My stomach ached with those words. Only you can understand me…
She wasn’t laughing at me. She was smiling at me, because she wanted me.
I couldn’t fucking believe it.
And she was so beautiful. Her big eyes, her full lips, her flushed cheeks. I knew I’d always want to look at her. But her hair was up, and I’d always wanted to touch her hair.
Reaching up with my hand, I placed it over the hair gathered at the back of her head and said, “Take your hair down.”
Maddie lifted her hand and began slipping pins out. In seconds her long thick black hair fell down and lay over her shoulder. The soft ends spread over my chest. I pushed my fingers through the strands and felt it between my fingers.
Maddie sighed. I could feel her looking at me, head tilted slightly to the side. My hand brought her hair to my nose and I inhaled. Strawberries.
It was silent for several minutes as I stroked through her hair, then Maddie said, “I wish to lay in your bed.”
Maddie’s small frame lifted above me and she brought my hand to her lips.
When she dropped them back to my chest, I said, “I don’t sleep in a bed. I sleep on the floor,” I sucked in a breath, thinking of the cellar. “I have to sleep over the hatch.”
Maddie blinked up at me. “You do not have to sleep on the cold floor. You deserve better. You deserve to sleep in a bed… with me…”
I shook my head, remembering the years I sat on the cellar’s dirt floor, the darkness, the knife, and him as he pushed inside me. And then that night, the screaming… the night my touch hurt my brother, when the evil came out.
Maddie’s hand landed on my cheek causing me to jump back. “No, Flame. Do not go there in your head. Come with me instead. Trust me.” She pressed my hand to her heart. “I am not hurt. Your touch has not hurt me.”
I stared over her shoulder in the direction of the bedroom, and with a clenched jaw, nodded my head. Maddie exhaled a long breath. We got to our feet, then walked to the bedroom door and she pulled me through.
Her hands were shaking as she climbed on the small bed. Maddie shuffled backward until her back pressed against the wall. I followed her to the mattress. Lying on my side, I held Maddie’s stare, chasing down the fucking discomfort at being in this bed.
“Flame,” Maddie called. “Focus on my hand in yours,” she continued, and she linked her fingers through mine. I stared at our hands, when a finger on her free hand lifted and ran over the raised scar on my stomach. “What is this from?” she asked.
I clamped my eyes shut, feeling the rattler’s fangs sinking into my flesh; Pastor Hughes declaring that I was a sinner, that evil ran in my veins because I was slow. Because of how I behaved.
“Flame?” Maddie pushed. I opened my eyes on a gasp.
“The snake,” I croaked, “the snake they put on me at church. The snake that told me I was a sinner. That I had hellfire in my blood.”
“I cannot begin to imagine…” Maddie shook her head.
“And people would scream. They would fall to their knees around me, praying for my soul. Because I was evil. Because I had evil in my blood.”
Maddie shook her head. “They were wrong.”
Maddie inched closer, and with her fingers running up and down my cheek, she stated, “That was why you came to my church that day? You feared they were hurting me, as you have been hurt?”
My eyebrows pulled down. I didn’t understand. “They don’t do that at your church?” I searched Maddie’s eyes for lies.
“No,” she said quietly, “at this church they do not touch me. Only at…” she took a deep breath, “only at The Order did they cause me pain. But this church is better. I sit at a statue and listen to music coming from the choir. I am not harmed. I am left alone.”
I shook my head, every muscle tensing at her words. “I don’t understand. Church is where you get hurt.”
Maddie shook her head. “No, Flame. I believe that your church, and the commune, were different. They hurt us. But most do not.” My eyebrows pulled down when Maddie laughed a humorless laugh. “Truth is, Flame, I do not even believe in God anymore. At least, I do not think I do. Too much has happened to me in my life for me to believe that an all-powerful being is out there watching over me, protecting me. I have lost my faith. But I went to church as a reprieve to the suffocating solitude of my room at Mae’s house.” Her big green eyes held mine, and she admitted, “You were gone for weeks. Gone from below my bedroom window and I could not cope. You had become the center of my world. You were my day and night as you paced beneath my room. But then you got shot and disappeared from my life. I did not know what to do. So I joined Lilah and Mae at church. I tried to pray for your return, but every day I lost faith when I came home to find you were not watching over me. So I kept going. I went there to listen to the music. To sit and watch people living their lives, while I simply existed in the shadows.”
Maddie pulled my hand to her face and she tucked it under her warm cheek. “Until the day I heard you shouting my name from outside. And you were back. My sun, my light. You were back.” Maddie’s lip hooked up in the corner. “And here we are now. Touching. Together.”
My heart felt like it was filling my chest. Then she said, “But I must go to church tomorrow, for Sarai,” and it fucking smashed.
“No,” I bit out, ice ripping through my veins. “You’re not going back there. I can’t go in those fucking places. I can’t protect you.”
“There is nothing to protect me from, Flame. I am accompanying Mae and Lilah, to show Sarai there is more to faith than what we knew at The Order. I understand what she is feeling. She is so young and fearful. And she is most like me in disposition—quiet and withdrawn. I feel I must go.”
Maddie’s finger lifted to circle the flame tattoos on my chest and she said, “I promise you that I will not be hurt. I will only be there for a few hours, then I will return home.” She paused and then whispered, “I will return home to… you… to this cabin… and I shall never return to that place. Because you have returned. You are my faith awakened.”
My throat swelled. “Maddie,” I called and leaned in to her mouth. Maddie’s breathing was as fast as mine, then I leaned in further and pressed my lips to hers.
She was so soft.
I never wanted to break away.
When I pulled back, Maddie asked, “What is your name?”
My muscles froze and I asked, “My name?” A white hot pain ripped through my fucking skull.
“Yes,” she answered quietly. “What was your name before you were Flame?”
My eyes squeezed shut, and I pulled my hand back and clawed at my arm. I hissed as the flames ignited… I hated that fucking name. I HATED that fucking name!
“Shh… Flame, calm,” Maddie soothed. I looked up to see her holding out her hand. “Forget that I asked, it is unimportant, just as my former name is now nothing to me.”
I wanted to claw at my skin, when I heard his voice growling that name in my head, but Maddie closed in further, and swallowing her nerves, she slowly wrapped her arms around me. I fucking froze as her hands touched my back then, as his voice disappeared under Maddie’s touch, I wrapped my arms around her too. I breathed fast into her neck, relaxing as her fingers traced up and down my spine.
I squeezed my eyes shut and held on tight, then Maddie whispered, “I am Maddie and you are Flame. We are no longer who we were before.” I pulled her closer as she spoke those words. In minutes I’d relaxed on the bed I’d never slept in, holding my Maddie close…
… falling asleep as I held her, like I did in her picture.
Chapter Nineteen
Maddie
I could feel Flame’s eyes watching me as I brushed through my hair and tied it back in a bun.
I smoothed my hands over my dress and slipped my feet into my shoes. Checking the time, I saw that Mae, Lilah and Sarai would be here for me any minute. Turning round, Flame was sitting against the wall, his dark eyes watching
me.
My heart fluttered, and a blush coated my cheeks when I remembered waking this morning, my head laying on his chest and his arm around my shoulders.
And there were no nightmares. I had no unwanted memories of my time in the commune. And for once, I woke not to the intense fear that my new freedom was nothing save a dream, but to the heady knowledge that I was in Flame’s cabin, safe. And his huge arms were holding me close.
We lay in silence, wrapped in each other’s arms, for most of the morning. Until I had lifted my head and smiled at Flame’s expressionless face. I had lost my happy demeanor instantly.
“What is wrong?” I had asked.
Flame’s jaw tensed and he said, “Last night I laid in this bed, with you in my arms, listening to you sleep. But I barely slept. I couldn’t sleep thinking of you leaving to go to that church. I couldn’t sleep worrying about finding this with you, being able to touch you, kiss you… and losing you.” Flame had turned over his scarred arms, showing me his wrist and, running his arm along the flesh, he had said, “You cool the flames. But without you they come back. When I’m angry they come back. And when I think of you going in that fucking church, I can feel them waking. I can feel them beginning to push through my veins.”
Sitting up, I cupped Flame’s cheeks in my hands, his beard tickling my palms, and I said, “I will be fine. And the flames are not there. Think of me if they come back. Remember holding me and your touch not harming me.”
Flame had nodded his head, but his eyes remained on his wrist. Since then he had not said much.
As I lowered to the floor, Flame looked up. “They will be here soon,” I said, and reached out my hand. Flame took it in his, and his nostrils flared. “I will not be long. In that time, I think you should sleep.” I lifted my hand to run my finger along the dark circles under his eyes. “You are tired.”
Flame stared away across the room, and I knew the thought of my going to church frightened him. And when I thought of what was done to him as a child in his place of worship, I had to fight back my anger at what he’d endured.
A knock sounded at the door. Flame tensed. Getting to my feet, Flame rose to his, his large frame towering over me. The silence was stifling as he stared down at me. Putting both his hands on my cheek, he leaned down and softly pressed his lips against mine.
They were so soft. So gentle. My eyes welled with tears, because I knew that kiss was how he felt about me. I knew from that kiss that he cared beyond measure. That I was precious to him. And that he did not want me to go.
Pulling back, Flame put his forehead to mine and exhaled a breath. I ran my hand up his arm and whispered, “I shall miss you too.”
Flame’s exhale told me I had read his kiss correctly.
A second knock sounded as Mae’s voice called out my name. “Maddie?”
Closing my eyes, I breathed though my nose and declared, “I must go.”
Flame did not say anything, rather he just released his hands from my face and followed me to the door. I opened the door to find Mae, Lilah, Sarai and Ky. Mae’s eyes immediately checked me over, and Ky’s face was stern as he looked past me to Flame.
His eyes narrowed. “You good, brother?”
“You fucking take care of Maddie. Don’t let anyone hurt her. Because I’ll kill them if they do, VP. I’ll fucking kill them.”
Sarai stepped back at Flame’s threatening tone. Ky crossed his arms over his chest. “Reel it the fuck in, Flame,” he bit back.
“Promise me,” Flame snapped.
Ky’s jaw clenched and he said, “You think I’m gonna let anything happen to my bitch?”
Feeling the air crackle with tension, I turned to Flame and reached down to hold his hand. I heard the gasps of shock behind us, but I ignored my sisters and Sarai, to say, “Ky will take care of me, Flame. He protects Lilah as you do me.”
Flame’s dark eyes were focused on mine, the dilation of his pupils betraying his nerves over my leaving. I squeezed his fingers and assured, “I will be only a few hours. Then I will be coming right back to you.”
Flame’s head dropped, and I released his hand to join my sisters. I could see their questioning gazes, but I kept my head down and made a beeline for Ky’s truck. The door was unlocked, and I sat inside waiting for the others to join us.
As Mae and Sarai sat beside me, and Lilah and Ky sat in the front seats, I glanced out of the window and saw Flame still standing in the doorway, watching me.
My heart fluttered anew, and a smile broke on my lips knowing that he was mine. He had midnight eyes. Was pierced. Tattooed. Strong. And filled with pure rage. But he was mine. And when he was mine, he was gentle, caring, and just as broken as I. And I adored that it was me who got to witness that side of him, and me alone.
He was special to me, as I was special to him.
“We ready?” Ky asked. In unison, Mae and Lilah answered 'yes'. As we pulled away, I waved to Flame, seeing him walk out of the door and watch us go. When I saw his face blank, I almost shouted to Ky to let me out, but then I thought of Sarai beside me, and I forced myself to stay.
The cabin of the truck was calm, until Mae asked, “Are you okay, Maddie?”
My eyes lifted to meet Mae’s and I nodded my head. “Yes.”
Mae’s eyes were searching mine, but I did not want to speak. I knew how they felt about Flame. And what broke my heart more was that he knew what people thought of him too. It was why he barely spoke in company. Nobody understood the real Flame.
Nobody but me.
“Are you nervous, Sarai?” Mae asked. I looked to the small blonde teen. Sarai’s hands were tight in her lap and she looked up to Mae.
“Yes,” she replied softly.
Lilah turned in her seat, her hand remaining in Ky’s. “There is no need to be, Sarai. Pastor James is kind. She has closed the church so that no one will be there to make you nervous.” Lilah smiled and sighed. “And you will see that the Lord can still be worshipped. Only purely, not contaminated by hurtful men and false truths.”
Sarai sighed and shook her head. “I cannot imagine such a place, though I am excited to see it.”
My chest tightened as I stared at this young girl. I was beyond thankful that she had found the courage to run away. I knew I would never have left if Mae had not returned. I would have spent my entire life locked in that hell. Until the day Brother Moses killed me. Because he would have. I know now that Brother Moses would have eventually broken me, as Gabriel had done Bella. And I would never have met Flame.
And him not meeting me would have condemned him to a life alone too. I forced down the emotion creeping up my throat and focused instead on remembering his lips against mine.
Without conscious thought, my fingers had lifted to my lips and a smile had graced my face.
My heart leapt with hope. Hope that, maybe together, we may not be so damaged. That we could somehow make one another whole.
The journey passed quicker than most, my thoughts occupied by Flame. Then Ky pulled the truck to a stop.
Mae took Sarai’s hand and left the truck. I went to leave when I saw Ky lean in to Lilah and crush his mouth to hers. Lilah melted into his embrace, and they both broke away with leaden eyes.
“Love you, baby,” Ky hushed out.
Lilah leaned forward once more to press a single quick kiss to her husband’s lips. “I love you too. So much,” she added, and my heart lurched with envy.
“Call me when you want picking up. I’ll be here, downtown, taking care of some business.”
“Okay,” Lilah replied and jumped out of the truck. I quickly left too. I joined Mae and Sarai on the sidewalk. Sarai was staring up at the church, her mouth gaping at the sight.
“Beautiful, is it not?” Lilah prompted, as Ky’s truck pulled back onto the road.
“It is,” Sarai said, clearly in awe. As one, we ascended the steps. Lilah stepped through the large wooden doors first, the three of us following behind. The church was completely silent. At the end,
Pastor James stood, obviously awaiting our arrival.
Seeing us enter, Pastor James came down from the altar and we met her half way down the aisle. Her face broke into a smile and she embraced Lilah and Mae. When she reached me, she nodded her head. Then her eyes fell upon Sarai.
“You must be Sarai,” she said. Sarai pressed closer into Mae, obviously shy at meeting the pastor for the first time.
Mae put her arm around Sarai and nodded her head. “This is Sarai. She’s a little shy, but she’s eager to see for herself how people worship here, in Our Savior.”
Pastor James smiled directly at Sarai and showed her the pews. “This is where we worship. The congregation generally comes to a sermon on a Sunday, but the church is open for its people to come by anytime, to worship in private or to have a quiet place for contemplation.”
I watched Sarai staring at Pastor James and my heart clenched at her face absorbing every word. I understood how strange all of this would be for her. And at fourteen, she must feel so lost and alone.
My fingers tensing at what I was about to do, I took a deep breath, and reached down and took Sarai’s hand in mine. Her blue eyes darted to me. I cast her a supportive smile. Sarai’s eyes dipped at my hold, and I felt Mae’s hand squeeze my shoulder.
“Thank you,” she mouthed. I followed Pastor James, hand in hand with the little lost girl at my side. We reached the altar and turned to face the body of the church. Pastor James stepped in front and pointed to the balcony. “That’s where our choir practices and performs on a Sunday.” She turned back round, and pointed to the altar. “This is where I preach my sermons, and offer the blood and wine.”
Sarai’s hand began to tremble in mine. I glanced down at her hands to see her staring down, when suddenly, she dropped my hand and reached into the long pocket of her dress. What followed seemed to happen in slow motion.
Sarai pulled out a gun. In seconds she raised it to Pastor James’ head and pulled the trigger. The sound of the firing of the bullet echoed like thunder in the church. Mae, Lilah and I leapt back, just as the bullet passed through Pastor James’ head, blood showering our clothes as her lifeless body dropped to the ground.