Special Trek
The Unknown Closet
by
Alexander R. Pennington
Copyright 2012 Alexander R. Pennington
License Notes
The metal deck plating gleamed, fresh from being cleaned at Starbase Wombat Two. A rainbow of lights flickered across consoles spread across the USS Magic Carrot's bridge. In the center stood the captain's chair, and in the chair, sat Captain Andy.
He thumbed a button on his armrest. “Stardate log, captain's two four five apple banana. We was just at a party on an asteroid in the sticky cluster. It was fun.”
A short, pudgy woman in a blue uniform walked up and handed Captain Andy a clipbook. “Here is you report sir,” she said.
“Well thank you pretty lady,” said the captain.
“Who is?”
“You, right there.” He pointed.
“I'm a lady?” she asked.
He scrunched his brow. “I'm pretty sure. Aren't you?”
“I better go check.” She walked into the quicklift and disappeared behind its sliding doors.
Captain Andy tapped his teeth with his fingertips, contemplating for a moment, then stood and straightened his golden uniform shirt. “I wants some happy talk for dinner!” he announced. All eyes on the starship's bridge turned to him. He flung an arm out at a side door. “I'm goin' in there. Someone else is goin' with me. I wants happy talk!”
Chocolate-skinned Lieutenant Uganda turned in her chair and batted her eyelashes, a small transceiver sticking from her nose. “I is can come with you,” she said. One set of eyelashes dislodged and fluttered slowly to the floor.
Captain Andy crossed his arms and rubbed at his chin. “Hmmm. You good at happy talk?”
“Yeah,” she replied.
The captain spun on his heel and marched to the door which whooshed open and closed as he passed through, not slowing at all. Lieutenant Uganda stood and pulled the transceiver from her nose, setting it on her console where it dripped green goo, and wobbly-walked after him.
Inside the captain's ready room Captain Andy lounged on a couch set against a curving wall, a portal above it showing the streaks of stars as the ship traveled through space. He arranged his legs comfortably, shoved a hand in his pants, pulled it out, sniffed his fingers, and waited.
The door chimed. “I'm already in here!” called Captain Andy. The door slid open, revealing Lieutenant Uganda, dark hair piled haphazardly on her head. Captain Andy steepled his fingers. “I am been expecting you,” he said.
“Me too,” she replied as she wobbled in and the door slid shut behind her. Captain Andy patted the space next to him. She took a step forward and collided with a large potted fern, setting its fronds to bouncing and her pile of hair sliding to the other side of her head. She stumbled in the other direction then regained her balance. Hand on hip, elbow bent, she fell across the table that sat before the couch, barely missing a tray of food, and landed face-first next to Captain Andy.
Captain Andy reached out and plucked a grape from the tray. “Happy talk.” The grape popped into his mouth.
“Mffff rffffr,” said Lieutenant Uganda. She pulled herself the rest of the way across the table and turned around, sitting up. Looking into Captain Andy's eyes, her lips parted. Light breath played between them. Drool drizzled down her chin. “I saw some clowns once,” she said.
Captain Andy pulled a blue bubblegum cigar from between the cushions of the couch and bit the end off, chewing. Speaking around the wad he said, “Go on.”
“He was makin' animals with balloons.” Her hands fluttered, describing shapes in the air. “An, he gots paint face, and red nose, and big big shoes.”
Captain Andy nodded, taking another bite of his cigar. “You have a grape,” he said.
“Thanks.” She took one and put it in a pocket. “This clown,” she continued, “it made a special sound. He went 'Honk honk!'”
“This good, but I want more happy,” said Captain Andy.
Lieutenant Uganda shoved a wriggling finger in her nostril. “I saw a dog an a tree once.”
“What was they doin'?”
“The dog was makin' hump-hump.”
“On the tree?”
Lieutenant Uganda nodded.
“Now that's happy talk,” said Captain Andy, shifting in his seat.
“Yeah, the tree wasn't sayin' much though.”
Captain Andy burped and shoved the rest of the cigar in his mouth. “You supposed to dance when the captain burps!” Spittle flew with each word.
Lieutenant Uganda jumped up and started quickly wobbling back and forth.
A klaxon blared through the room. Lieutenant Uganda stumbled and Captain Andy surged to his feet, crossing the room at a run, through the door which barely opened in time, and onto the bridge. “Commander Spit, what's goin' on!” he shouted.
Commander Spit, dark hair falling across pointed ears, straightened from where he looked into the boxy viewer on his console. “I'm watching TV.”
“What's that sound?” asked Captain Andy.
“That's a not logical question, Captain, because I don't know the answer.”
“Then find out the answer!”
“Right away Captain.” Commander Spit leaned back over his viewer, blue light washing across his face. A soft clicking accompanied the pressing of a few buttons and twisting of knobs. “There appears to have been an emergency depressurization on deck five.”
“Why?”
“Unknown.”
“Can you make that sound stop?”
Commander Spit straightened again. “I'm sure I could, Captain.”
“Well, then do it.”
Commander Spit pressed a button on his console and the klaxon stopped. Someone farted. Captain Andy spun, looking around the bridge. “Who made that toot?” he asked. Everyone concentrated harder on their work. “I said who made that toot?” Slowly, Ensign Check raised his hand. “Next time, you say excuse me!” said Captain Andy.
“Yes sir,” said Ensign Check. He scooted down in his seat, bringing his eyes level with his control board.
Lieutenant Shuzu reached from where he sat beside Ensign Check and smacked the top of his mop-haired head. “Bop.”
The door to the quicklift whooshed open and Engineer Snackers rushed in. “Captain! Have ye heard the alarm?” his voice lilted in a light Scottish brogue.
“Yes I has thank you very much. And why did the alarm tell me something instead of you?”
“What?”
“How come we had to have an alarm? If something was going on, I would prefer to hear it from my chief engineer instead.”
“But –”
“No coconuts!”
“What?”
“No cuts no buts no coconuts!”
Engineer Snackers threw up his hands. “It's like I'm working on a ship full of retards!” He stormed back into the quicklift.
Captain Andy shook his head. “Spit, Shuzu, come on.” As a group they entered the quicklift, finding it empty, having already whisked Engineer Snackers away, and set the controls for deck five.
Commander Spit, Lieutenant Shuzu, and Captain Andy walked cautiously down the hallway of deck five. Commander Spit held a scanner out in front of him, lid flipped open, information scrolling across its small screen. “It's this way,” said Commander Spit.
They rounded a bend in the hall and stopped before a door. Captain Andy stepped up and pressed a button set into a small panel. Nothing happened. He pressed the button again. Still nothing. “No one's answering,” he said.
“We's gonna have to do a manual override,” said Commander Spit.
Lieutenant Shuzu started banging on the door until it popped open.
“Thank you Lieutenant Shuzu,” said Captain Andy, then stepped through, followed closely by the other two.
Clothes lay scattered about the floor of the crew quarters. A half-made bed was along one wall. To one side stood a table with dirty dishes piled atop it. On the far side of the room was a door. The group started walking through the room then Lieutenant Shuzu spun, whipped out his blaster, and shot a solid beam of energy into some of the clothes which disappeared with a puff of smoke.
Captain Andy and Commander Spit looked at him. He smiled sheepishly. “Sorry,” he said. “I thought I saw a rhinoceros.”
At the door, they found it was stuck shut. “I'll handle this one,” said Captain Andy. He banged his head on the door a few times and it slid open. The small room beyond held a toilet, a sink, a shower, and a crewman, laughing and giggling in his red shirt and black pants as he sat beside the toilet, his fingers holding the flush handle down. The toilet's lid was up and the dark of space could be seen through its bowl. The crewman threw a wad of toilet paper in the bowl and watched it get sucked away.
“What you doin'! You gonna let the space in!” shouted Captain Andy.
“I is not lettin' the space in. I'm lettin' the toilet paper out!” shouted back the crewman.
“Crewman, you know letting the space in is not a good thing,” said Commander Spit.
A dark orb, glowing blue about the edges, floated up from the toilet. “Space!” yelled Lieutenant Shuzu, shooting it with his blaster. The orb erupted outward, the force of which splattered the red-shirted crewman on the bathroom wall. Where the orb had floated now floated a wavering upright circle, with shapes dimly glimpsed through its curve.
“I think there's something in there,” said Captain Andy.
“What is it?” asked Lieutenant Shuzu.
“Unknown,” replied Commander Spit. He waved his scanner in front of the hazy shape. “These readings say it's a circle in a bathroom.”
“Thank goodness for technology!” said Lieutenant Shuzu.
“Let's go in,” said Captain Andy.
“If you think that's best Captain,” said Commander Spit.
Captain Andy grabbed Lieutenant Shuzu and threw him through the circle. He disappeared as though he was stepping through a doorway hung with a velvet curtain.
“Do you hear anything?” asked Captain Andy.
“No sir. No screaming or anything,” said Commander Spit.
“Maybe it's safe for us to go in then.” Captain Andy stepped through. And found himself in another world.
The room they stood in was massive, its further reaches almost beyond what they could see. Giant cubes lay piled haphazardly here and there, along with a large box next to what looked like a giant table with round legs far wider than any trees on any planets they had ever seen. The circle still wavered in the air behind them.
“What is this place?” breathed Captain Andy.
Commander Spit swung his sensor around. “Captain, I'm detecting high levels of poo-poo.”
“I knews it,” said Captain Andy, adjusting the waistband of his pants. “We're on Poo-Poo Planet.”
The soft, spongy ground shook and rumbled beneath their feet. A giant, dressed in blue overalls, rounded the corner of the box. “Waaahh,” it said, coming towards them, the sound reverberating off the walls, the box, the cubes. The three companions clapped their hands over their ears.
Lieutenant Shuzu sprayed beam after beam of blaster fire. The giant's massive face turned red and its pudgy hands bunched into fists. Its smashing stomps quickened. “Waaahhh!”
Captain Andy flipped open his talker. “Andy to Magic Carrot, come in Magic Carrot.” Static. He tried again. “Andy to anyone.”
Another burst of static then a voice came over a background of music. “Let's sit down in our thinking chair!”
Captain Andy flipped his talker closed. “Come on, we better go.” The three jumped back through the suspended circle. Once through they hurried from the bathroom, the door sliding closed behind them. “Commander Spit, I want you to seal that door,” said Captain Andy.
“Right away sir.” Commander Spit reached into his pants and pulled out a strip of tape, placing the tape firmly on the door.
“Good work!” said Captain Andy. “We need to make a label.” They scoured the quarters until they found a pen. “Lieutenant Shuzu, write this on the door. 'The Unknown Closet. No make open.'”
Lieutenant Shuzu scribbled some circles, squares, and wiggly lines on the door.
“Perfect,” said Captain Andy. “Come on men, let's go back to the bridge.”
Together, they walked out into the hallway.
###
About the Author
Alexander R. Pennington writes special stories. You can be special too at his website, the Library of Poo. https://libraryofpoo.wordpress.com.