"Why should I trust you?" I demanded, trying to shut out the pain that seared my heart. "You tried to kill me once— why should I believe you won't just do it again?"
"Do you remember how good we were together?" Cal whispered, and I shivered. "Do you remember how we touched, how we kissed, how we joined our minds? It was so good, so right. You know it was real; you know I'm telling you the truth now. Please, Morgan ..." Part of me was no longer listening, my senses attuned to another vibration, another image. I looked down the road. "Hunter," I said before I thought.
Cal wheeled and looked down the road. I thought I could see the faintest stripe of light on the tree trunks. Headlights. For an endless moment Cal and I looked at each other. He was just as breathtaking as he'd always been, with a new layer of vulnerability that he'd never had but that made him even more appealing. He was Cal, my first love, the one who'd opened new worlds to me.
"If you call me, I'll come," he sard so softly, I could barely I hear him.
"Wait!" I said. "Where are you staying? Where can I find you?" He just smiled, and then he was running easily toward the woods that lined the road, and he faded between the trees like a wraith. I blinked, and he was completely gone, with no trace of ever having been there.
The headlights caught me in their glare, and I understood how a deer or rabbit could be pinned by them in terror. I stood by Das Boot, waiting for Hunter to stop.
"Morgan," he said, getting out of his car. Illogically, even after the scene in the bathroom, I felt almost like weeping with relief to see him. "Are you all right? Did something happen?" My tongue pressed against my lips. Hunter was a Seeker. He had gone ballistic at the thought that Cal had even contacted me. If I told him I had just seen Cal, that Cal was nearby somewhere, Hunter wouldn't stop until he found Cal. And when he found him ... Hunter and Cal hated each other, had tried to kill each other. It was only luck that they hadn't killed each other. If Hunter found Cal now, one of them would die. That thought was completely unacceptable to me. I didn't know what to do about Cal, didn't know what to do about the knowledge that Selene was coming. All I knew
was that I had to keep Hunter and Cal apart until I figured something
out. "I'm okay," I said, making my voice strong and sure. I chose my words carefully, knowing that he'd sense it if I lied outright "I thought I almost hit a deer just now and stopped, but it's gone." Hunter glanced at the woods, then he frowned slightly. "I sense something. . . ." he said, half to himself. He stood still for a moment, a listening expression on his face. Then he shook his head. "Whatever it was, it's gone now." I kept my face blank. He looked back at me. "I got an odd feeling about you," he said. "Like ... panic."
I nodded, hoping he couldn't tell I was lying. "I thought I was going to crash. It's been kind of ... an eventful day. I guess I freaked." Hunter's frown cleared, and he looked contrite. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asked.
"Yeah." I started to get back in my car and prayed desperately that it would start, that Cal hadn't permanently disabled the engine. I couldn't believe I was lying so blithely to Hunter, Hunter who I had acknowledged was just about the only person I could trust. But I wasn't lying for me—I was trying to save Cal. And Hunter. I had to save them from each other.
Hunter leaned in the open doorway, bending to be at eye level with me. "Morgan—I'm sorry about the way I behaved earlier, in the bathroom. It's just—I'm upset about my father. I want to reach him and I can't. And I'm afraid for you. I feel that I need to protect you, and it kills me that I can't be with you all the time, making sure you're safe."I nodded. "And that's why you want me to do the tath meanma brach," I said.
"Yes." He paused. "Are you sore from the fall?" "Yeah. I bet we'll both feel awful tomorrow. Especially you." He laughed, and I turned my key. Das Boot's engine turned over at once.
"I'm going to get home now," I said unnecessarily. Quickly Hunter leaned in and kissed me, and then he stood back and shut my car door.
Had Cal seen that? I thought in panic. Oh Goddess, I hoped not It would only infuriate him more. I drove off, looking back at Hunter in the mirror until I went around the next bend and I couldn't see him anymore. All I wanted to do was go home, curl up, and cry.
10. Open
December 13, The mysteries of Amyranth can't hold a candle to the mystries of love/ What is it about Daniel Niall that makes me so crazy? Has he spelled my yo love him? No—that's ludicrous. Noble, honest Daniel would never do such a thing. No, I love him for himself, and it's so out of character for me that I can't stop questioning it. Why is he so compelling? How is she different from other men I had? Like every other man, he's given in to me—no one has ever told me no, and Daniel is no exception. Yet I sense an inner wall that I can't breach. There's something within him that my love, my power, my beauty hasn't touched. What is it?
I know he loves me, and I know he wishes he didn't. I enjoy making him realize how much he wants me. I take pleasure in watching him try to resist and being unable to. And then I make him compliance worth his while. But what is he holding back? At any rate, Daniel is here an there working on various studies— he's very academic; he wants to understand everything, know the history of everything. A real book witch. It takes him away from me often. Which is a good thing, because his presence severely curtails my Amyranth activities. I'm now doing more and more iwthin the group and less with Turneval. The Unnamed Elders have begun teaching me the deeper magick of Amyranth, and it's more draining and exciting than anything I've imagined. I'm lost within it, drunk with it, immersed in it—and the only thing that pulls me out is the chance of spending time with Daniel. This makes me laugh. —SB
That night I dreamed that Selene took on the form of a giant bird and snatched me off the school playing field, where, ludicrously, I was playing hockey with Hunter and Bree and Robbie. They stood on the grass, waving their hockey sticks helplessly, and I watched them get smaller and smaller as Selene bore me away. She took me to a giant nest perched on top of a mountain, and I looked down and saw Cal in the nest, and before my eyes he turned into a baby bird and
gazed up at me with his sharp predator's beak gaping wide to engulf
me. Then I woke up, drenched with sweat and it was morning. I spent the morning trying not to think about Cal. Three times I found myself picking up the phone to call Hunter, and three times I put the cordless handset back in its cradle. I felt too conflicted about what I would say.
"What's the matter, Morgan?" my mom asked as I prowled through the kitchen for the fourth time. "You seem so restless." I forced myself to smile. "I don't know. Maybe I just need to go for a drive or something."
I grabbed my coat and car keys and headed out to Das Boot, not sure what my destination was. Then my senses tingled, and I knew Hunter was nearby. I felt a surge of elation and alarm as I saw him pull up in front of the house.
I walked over to his car, willing myself to seem calm, normal. He rolled down his window and peered out at me. "We need to talk. Can I drive you somewhere?" he asked. "Uh—I was just going for a drive," I mumbled. "I'm not I really sure where."
"How about Red Kill?" he suggested. "I need to pick up some essential oils at Practical Magick. And you need to talk to Alyce." So I climbed into his car and off we went. "This morning Sky and I examined the porch supports more carefully," Hunter said as he drove. "They'd definitely been sawed, and we couldn't find any trace of magick."
"So what are you thinking?" I asked.
"I don't know," he said, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel.
I thought: had it been Cal? Had he been trying to kill both me and Hunter at the same time? Had he cut Hunter's brake line as well? But why would he do it mechanically instead of with magick? Was I being a complete and total idiot by not telling Hunter that I'd seen Cal? I was so confused.
Alyce fed us lunch in her small apartment. I hadn't realized I was hungry until I smelled the beef stew that was filling the rooms with its rich scent. Hunter and I fell on it, and Alyce watched u
s, smiling. She sat at the table with us, not eating but sipping from a mug of tea. "I've been considering your request for a tath meanma brach," she said as I took a second slice of bread. "It's a serious thing, and I've given it a great deal of thought."
I nodded, my heart sinking at her tone. She was going to say no. I saw a glance pass between her and Hunter and felt my appetite fade away.
"You know, it can be very difficult," Alyce went on. "It would be
very draining, both physically and emotionally, for both of us." I nodded. I had asked too much.
"But I understand why you want to do this, why you asked me, and why Hunter also thinks it's a good idea," Alyce said. "And I've come to agree. I think that you're a target of Selene's group, and I think you need more protection than others can provide for you. The best kind of protection comes from within, and by joining with me and learning what I know, you will be much stronger, much more capable of defending yourself."
I looked at her with hope. "Does that mean—" "You'll need to free yourself of as many mental distractions as you can," Alyce said gently. "And there are some ritual preparations you'll need to make. Hunter and Sky can help you with them. Let's do it soon—the sooner the better. Tomorrow evening." Back in Hunter's car, on our way to my house, I could hardly sit still. The idea of being able to absorb all of Alyce's considerable learning, all in one day, was exhilarating and nerve-racking.
"Thank you for speaking to Alyce for me," I said. "Encouraging her to do the tath meanma brach."
"It was her decision." He sounded remote, and I felt a surge of frustration about our relationship. It struck me for the first time that Hunter and I were similar, and that was why we clashed so much. With Cal it had been clear, easy— he had been the pursuer and I the pursued, and that had worked well with my shyness and insecurity. But both Hunter and I would be more comfortable if the other person were taking charge. At this point I had to assume there was some reason why we had kissed each other, and not just once or twice. Hunter wasn't the kind of person who would do that lightly, and neither was I. So what were we doing? Were we falling in love? I have to lay myself on the line, I realized with a flash of perfect clarity. If I want to go deeper with him, I have to open myself to him and trust that he doesn't want to hurt me. And I do want to go deeper with him.
But first... but first I had to tell him about Cal. It was too huge a secret between us. Nor was it my secret to keep. Hunter was in danger from Cal as much, maybe even more than I was. I would have to tell him and hope that he wouldn't let his emotions overtake his good sense. I swallowed hard. Do it, I told myself. Do it! "I saw Cal last night," I said quietly.
Next to me Hunter went rigid, his hands clenching the steering
wheel. He glanced quickly right and left, then swung the car onto a dirt road that I hadn't even seen. We bumped over rocks and frozen mud before coming to a halt about twenty feet off the main road. "When?" Hunter demanded, turning off the engine and facing me. He unclipped his seat belt and leaned toward me. "When?" he repeated. "Was it when I saw you on the road?" "Yes," I admitted. "It wasn't a deer I saw. It was Cal. He was standing in the road, and he held up his hand and my car went dead." "What happened? What did he do to you?"
"Nothing. We just talked," I said. "He said he came back to Widow's Vale to be with me. He told me he's broken away from Selene."
"And you believed that load of crap?" Hunter exclaimed. His eyes blazed.
My chin came up. "Yes." His contemptuous tone made me feel small, hurt. "I did tath meanma with him. He's telling the truth." "Goddess." Hunter spat out the word. "How could you be so bloody stupid? You've done that meanma with him before, and he still managed to fool you."
"But I controlled it this time!" I cried. "You think you did. Why did you lie to me?" His eyes narrowed. "He has put a spell on you!"
Remembering how it had felt when Cal had put a spell on me made me shiver. "No. I just—I had just told you about his witch message, and you freaked out, and I thought if I told you he was right there, you guys would—would fight, and it made me sick to think about."
"You're damn right I freaked out!" Hunter said, raising his voice. "Good God, Morgan, we've been looking for Cal and Selene for three weeks now! And all of a sudden you say, guess what? I know where he is! I mean, what the hell kind of game are you playing?" I hated the way he was looking at me, as if he were questioning his trust of me—if he had ever trusted me at all, and to my horror, I started crying. I don't cry easily in front of people, and I would have given up a lot to have not cried then, but everything crashed down on me all at once, and I crumbled.
"I'm not playing games!" I said, dashing my tears away. "I'm just confused, just human! I loved Cal, and I don't want you two to kill each other!"
"You're not just human, Morgan," Hunter said. "You're a witch. You have to start living up to that fact. What do you mean, you loved Cal? What has that got to do with anything? He tried to kill you! Are you stupid? Are you blind?"
"It wasn't all his fault!" I yelled, seeing the blazing fury in
Hunter's eyes. "You know that, Hunter. He grew up with Selene for eighteen years. What would you have been like in that situation?" I took a couple of quick, hard breaths, trying to get hold of myself. "I'm not blind. Maybe I am stupid. Mostly I'm just confused and scared and tempted."
He narrowed his eyes, seizing on my words like a snake does a rat "Tempted? Tempted by what? The dark side? Or by Cal? Is that it? Are you saying you still love him?"
"No! Yes! Stop twisting my words! All I'm saying is that I loved him, and I thought he loved me, and I haven't forgotten that!" I shouted. "He introduced me to magick. He made me feel beautiful!" I abruptly shut up, breathing hard.
Heavy silence filled the car. I sensed Hunter striving to rein in his anger. What am I doing? I thought miserably. Then his face softened. I felt his hand at my neck, brushing my hair back, stroking my skin. My breath caught in my throat, and I turned to him.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. My skin felt like it was on fire where his fingers passed over it.
"What do you want? I know you were happy with Cal, and I want you to be happy with me. But I'm not Cal, and I never will be," he said, his face close to mine. His voice was soft. "If you want me, then tell me. I need you to tell me."
My eyes widened. Cal had always been almost forceful, the one who decided, cajoled, seduced. Why was Hunter asking me to make myself vulnerable?
As if reading my thoughts, he said, "Morgan, I can tell you and show you what I want. But if you don't know what you want, I don't want to go there. You need to know what you want, and you need to be able to tell me and show me." His eyes were wide, vulnerable, his lips were warm and close to mine.
Oh my God, I thought.
"It's not enough for you to let me want you," he went on. "I need you to actually want me back and to be able to show me that. I need to be wanted, too. Do you see what I mean?"
I nodded slowly, processing a hundred thoughts. "Can you give me that?"
My eyes felt huge as I wondered if I could—if I was brave enough. I didn't speak.
"Right, then." He pulled back, my body saying, no, no, and then he started the car, carefully backed up, and we went back to Widow's Vale. In front of my house he stopped and turned to look at me again.
"I have to look for Cal," he said. "You know that, don't you?"
I nodded reluctantly. "Don't hurt him," I said in a near whisper. "I can't promise that," he told me. "But I'll try. Will you think about what I said?" I nodded again.
Hunter took my chin in his hand and kissed me hard and fast on the mouth, not once but again and again, hungrily, and I made a little -sound and opened my mouth to him. Finally he pulled back, breathing hard, and we looked at each other. He put the car into gear again. I climbed out in a daze and headed up my front walk. 11. The Graveyard
Beltane, I've been married for less than twenty-four hours, and already my new husband is threatening to leave me—he thinks the ceremony wa
s all my doing, it wasn't what he expected, I didn't respect his wishes, etc. He'll be all right. He needs to calm down, to relax, to get over his fears. Then we can talk, and he'll see that everything is all right, everything id fine, and we were meant to be together. Why did I marry Daniel Niall? Because I couldn't help myself. Because I wanted him too much to let him go. Because I needed to be the one he wanted, the one he would live with and come home to. My mother would have approved of this match. Anyone who actually knows me thinks I'm crazy. At any rate, Daniel and I were married last night, and for me it was beautiful, powerful, primal. When we stood, sky clad, under the ripe, full moon, with Turneval chanting around us, the heady scent of herbs burning, the warmth of the bonfire toasting our skin—I felt like the Goddess herself, full of life, fertile. For me it was so natural that we embrace, open our mouths and kiss, that I press myself against him. And how could he not respond? We were naked, I was seducing him, it was a full moon. Of course he responded. But he found his physical response (so public, so witnessed) to be unbearable. For Daniel it was humiliation, abasement. How will I reconcile these two areas of my life? How can I keep my work with Amyranth a secret? How can I protect Daniel from Amyranth?
I'll have to solve the problems as they come.
—SB
On Sunday, I once again skipped church and tried to ignore my mother's disapproving looks. She and my dad tried to talk me into meeting them for lunch at the Widow's Vale Diner afterward, but I was fasting to purify my body for my upcoming tath meanma brach with Alyce, so I declined. Instead, I stayed in my room, meditating. Alyce had recommended that I spend at least three hours meditating on the day of the ritual to cleanse my spirit and my psyche of negative patterns and clutter, for lack of a better word. By eleven o'clock, I was starving. My stomach cried out for Diet Coke and a Pop-Tart, but I resisted, feeling virtuous. At noon I'd just pulled out my altar when Hunter called. He told me In a neutral way that he'd gone to Cal and Selene's old house and one or two other places to see if he could find Cal, but he'd had no luck. "I know he's been there—I can feel traces of him," Hunter said. "But every-where I go, he's moved on, and I can't tell where he's gone. I didn't think he was skilled enough to hide his trail from me once I'd picked up a trace of him, but he seems to be." I decided it was time to change the subject. "I can't believe the tath meanma brach is tonight," I said. "I'm kind of nervous. Should I be?"