Spoticus
and the Children’s Revolt
by Andrew Francis
Copyright 2011 Andrew Francis
Cover design by Andrew Francis
All rights reserved
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.
Andrew Francis
Visit my website at www.francis-emporium.co.uk
Chapter One
Let’s get a few things sorted first.
Lewis Spottiswood: Age 12. Bit ordinary. Parents both work in a local supermarket. Sister called Bev, age 14. Lives on a rather dull road in a rather dull town in the south of England. Goes to an ordinary school which is rather dull. Quite enjoys school and is OK at most lessons. Likes his Gran but she lives in another dull town. Likes games, especially on the PC. No pets. Best friends; Parker and Push. About to become an Enemy of the People.
That’s all you need to know for now.
* * * * *
It was Friday 7th May and it was the day after the General Election. Lewis was vaguely aware that there was some big change happening to the government but it wasn’t really sinking in yet. He was sitting on the settee waiting for his father to get bored with the news. It had been on for ten minutes and he could have been watching the Simpsons.
‘Why do they keep going on about the English Elections?’ he asked his father. ‘Why not Scotland and Wales and Thingy?’
‘Read a paper for once,’ his father said and tossed him the Daily Trumpet. Lewis scanned down the front page story. “Landslide for Jackman... blah-de-blah, blah-de-blah, First elections to new English Parliament... blah-de-blah, England For Adults take control, blah-de-blah” said the story.
‘The other countries in the UK have their own parliaments now,’ explained his father, but Lewis was already thinking about giving up on the telly and playing “Sword of Death” on the PC.
He didn’t quite realise what was in store for him and his mates in the coming months. He didn’t yet appreciate that the small cloud of grown-up lunacy that had had been building up for the past few months was now a fully fledged tornado and was about to sweep down on the children of England. He had yet to grasp that the England For Adults party was about to turn him into a criminal mastermind.
* * * * *
Colonel Jackman stood by the curtains of the Cabinet Room in Number Ten Downing Street and took a sneaky look at the cheering crowds behind the large iron gates. He was Prime Minister of England and he had achieved a political miracle. Six months before, no one had heard of his England For Adults party and national politics looked set to continue along the usual boring and predictable course. But he’d changed all that. He had created a legend.
A few minor events had changed the course of history. A boy in North Allerton had won a court case saying that his parents had violated his Human Rights because they wouldn’t take him to Disneyland, Florida. Some adults got quite cross about that.
A girl in Middlesborough burned her own house down and her parents were sent to jail for failing to teach her about the danger of playing with matches. Some adults got quite cross about that.
A teacher in Southampton was forced to apologise to the class that had chased her out of school because she hadn’t warned them in time that their homework was overdue. Some adults got quite cross about that.
The papers frothed and seethed about the Tide of Unruly Youths who were terrorising the nation. Television documentaries showed pictures of Young People on the Rampage. Politicians started talking about Taking Back the Streets from the hoodlums and the hoodies. And Jackman saw his chance.
* * * * *
But none of that had any impact on Lewis. Yet. His mate Parker had called round and they were fiddling with Lewis’s bike.
Parker was two months older than Lewis but two centimetres shorter. He had moved to the big school from a different junior school from Lewis so they had only known each other for a few months. But they were already life-long friends.
Parker held up his grease-covered fingers and grinned at Lewis from behind them. They had successfully replaced the dislodged chain from Lewis’s bike. ‘Let’s go down the shops,’ he said. It was early evening and, being a Friday, there was no homework. Leastways, none that wouldn’t keep till last thing on Sunday night. ‘I want to pick up my magazine and my sister owes me fifty pence for sweets.’
They pushed their bikes to the gate and were wobbling about on the pavement while trying to mount them when a voice rang out from behind next door’s hedge. ‘Spotty, wait up,’ it said, and it was followed round the corner by the face of Lewis’s neighbour, Push.
‘Not Spotty,’ said Lewis but without conviction. It was no use having a surname like Spottiswood and not expecting his friends to take advantage of it. The fact that he had a blemish-free complexion (but rather mousy hair) made no difference. He would always be Spotty and he had almost – but not quite – given up minding.
‘Spotty, hold-up,’ said Push. ‘I’ll get my bike. Where are we going?’
‘WE are going to the newsagents,’ said Parker but he didn’t really mind the intrusion. He and Push had been mates since Infants and the fact that she lived next door to his new ‘best friend’ was a bit of a bonus. She was officially “OK for a girl, I suppose.”
‘My Dad is a new Councillor,’ beamed Push as they peddled down Pankhurst Way. ‘He’s part of the District Council and everyone has to call him Councillor Patel.’ Parker groaned. ‘Boring!’ he said, but Push was undeterred.
‘He’s part of the new England For Adults party and he says they are really going to kick some ass in the stupid council. He says they won’t know what’s hit them when they take over on Monday. I think it’s a laugh. My Dad! A Councillor!’
* * * * *
The Colonel pushed the shiny red button on his desk marked, “Cabinet Secretary”, and waited the 2.4 seconds it took for the government official to slide in through the large oak doors at the end of his office.
‘Yes, Prime Minister?’ he asked.
“YES PRIME MINISTER,” thought Jackman. “I love it!”
He turned slowly to the secretary. ‘Oh, nothing, just testing the button.’
‘Yes, Prime Minister,’ purred the secretary and slid back out of the room.
Jackman waited ten seconds and pushed the button again.
‘Yes, Prime Minister?’ said the secretary as he glided back into the room.
“YES PRIME MINISTER,” thought Jackman. “I will never get tired of hearing that.’”
‘Do you like my tie, Mr Secretary?’ (He hadn’t quite memorised his name yet).
‘It’s very nice, Prime Minister.’
‘Good. Thank you,’ he said and waved his hand in a sort of Go Now way.
Thirty seconds later the secretary was back in the room and looking ever so slightly frowny.
‘Yes, Prime Minister?’
‘Get me some milk for Mrs Bootles, would you,’ he said. The Secretary regarded the disgustingly large cat that was sleeping on a fluffy pink cushion in an armchair in the corner.
‘I’m sure that can be arranged, Prime Minister. I’ll have a word with the household staff,’ he bristled.
‘No, I want you to do it. I’m not trusting the job to one of those oiks. You get the milk.’ Jackman pulled himself up to his full five foot eleven and glared at the secretary.
‘I don’t think my job description extends to feeding domestic animals, Mr Prime Minister,’ said the secretary. He had started to sweat a little bit.
‘Do you like your job, Mr Secretary?’ asked Jackman.
; ‘It’s an honour to serve Her Majesty’s Government, sir.’
‘THEN GET THE MILK,’ bawled the colonel, ‘Or I’ll have you peeling spuds in the kitchen! And it will be your job to make sure no harm comes to Mrs Bootles. And if she so much as waves her tail while you’re in the room, I’ll have you locked up in the Tower of London. NOW GET OUT!’
The secretary took out a spotted handkerchief and dabbed at his sweating forehead. He backed slowly towards the door. He even did a sort of bow before slipping out silently.
Jackman waited thirty seconds and pressed the red button again.
‘Yes, Prime Minister?’
‘You forgot to say, “Yes, Prime Minister”.’
* * * * *
The three of them burst into Mr Khan’s shop still laughing at something Parker had said about geography teachers. ‘I’ll have my usual please, Mr Khan,’ said Lewis and slammed a two pound coin on the counter. They were all giggling too hard to notice the tide of red slowly covering the shopkeeper’s face.
‘Get out of my shop!’ he blurted and slammed the till shut with a resounding ching.
‘You wot?’ said Parker. They had all straightened up and stopped laughing now.
‘You can read, can’t you? Get out of my shop,’ he said and pointed at the door.
‘Mr Khan, it’s me, Lewis,’ said Lewis but without effect.
‘You,’ he said, digging a finger into Push’s chest, ‘Go to that door and tell me what it says.’
Push dutifully edged towards the door and peered round it to see what Mr Khan was pointing at. There was a piece of card blu-tacked to the inside of the glass. It looked as if it had been torn from the back of a cornflakes packet. In the middle, in untidy red felt-tipped letters, it said, “CHILDREN UNDER 16 MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY AN ADULT. THANKYOU”. She read it out aloud.
‘So why do you barge in here like you own the place. Things are going to be different from now on. I’m not putting up with you little thieves anymore!’
Lewis considered himself to be a fairly honest boy and he thought his friends were more or less the same. It was true, there were some older kids who crowded into the shop and nicked sweets while Mr Khan was distracted. But that was nothing to do with them.
‘I only came in to get my magazine,’ said Lewis.
‘Then you come back with a responsible adult,’ said Mr Khan. ‘This is a new era. We’re in charge now, not you little buggers.’
Push muttered something about Taking Their Custom Elsewhere as they backed out of the door. Mr Khan had picked up a broom and was waving it with menace.
‘What’s he mean – New Era?’ asked Parker as they slumped down on the wall next to their bikes.
‘He’s in the same lot as my Dad,’ said Push. ‘You know, The Adults Party, the thing on the news.’
‘Anyone would think we were criminals,’ said Lewis and kicked a pebble into the road.
* * * * *
The Cabinet Secretary had slipped out of Number Ten and nipped along to The Strand where he found a small shop that could sell him toys for cats. He returned with a Catnip-scented mouse, a ball with a bell in it and piece of squeaky foam in the shape of a dog. He was busy introducing Mrs Bootles to her new possessions when Colonel Jackman crept in behind him.
Mrs Bootles was pawing at the mouse with half-hearted disdain, but she wasn’t actually waving her tail. The secretary was relieved.
‘Treating her with respect, I see. Good. You’ll go far.’
The Cabinet Secretary jumped. Secretly, he thought he had already Gone Far and things had taken a bit of a turn for the worse in the last 24 hours. But he would never dream of saying it.
‘I want you to get me the Head of Science,’ continued Jackman. ‘Get him in here now.’
‘I’m afraid you haven’t actually appointed a Minister for Science and Technology yet, Mr Prime Minister. I could ask the Permanent Under Secretary to join us.’
‘That’s the chappy,’ exclaimed Jackman as he absent-mindedly stroked Mrs Bootles. ‘Get him in here now.’
* * * * *
While they were sitting on the wall outside the paper shop and reviewing their options, Benny from the tower block came shuffling along. He was wearing a scruffy parka and clutching something in a plastic bag to his chest.
It was Lewis’s mum who called him Benny and said it was something to do with the Falklands War but Lewis didn’t think he looked old enough to be in some old war.
‘Orright, Lew,’ he said and made a little wave.
‘Benny!’ cried Parker. ‘How you doing? What’s in the bag?’
‘I ain’t called Benny,’ muttered Benny and changed his direction of travel to give Parker a wide berth.
‘Gis a look, Benny,’ Push said and made a grab for the bag.
‘Gerroff,’ said Benny and whipped the bag out of reach.
‘Can you go in the shop with us, Benny?’ asked Lewis, ‘Mr Khan says we’re not allowed any more.’
‘Gerroff,’ said Benny and held the bag above his head. Parker started jumping up for it.
‘He’s not a Responsible Adult,’ said Push and she too started leaping up at the elusive bag.
‘You gerroff!’ shouted Benny and the bag flew from his grip and landed on the pavement. A copy of Frogman Super Fighter slid out and flopped into the road.
‘Ooow, he’s a Frogman fan,’ cooed Push. ‘Bit basic, innit Benny? Do you like looking at the pictures?’
‘Are you wearing a Frogman costume under your Y-Fronts, Benny?’ said Parker. He had the comic behind his back and was fending off Benny’s every attempt to reach it.
‘Benny can’t read. Benny can’t read,’ sang Push and joined in the shoving.
Then came the smack.
Parker was on the floor and there was a eerie silence.
Benny looked around him as if to see if there were any witnesses and then back at Parker. ‘I ain’t called Benny,’ he said and knelt down to pick up his things. There was a small group of people at the bus shop watching the scene unfold.
Parker’s mouth was wide open and his eyes were staring at Benny in disbelief.
‘He hit me,’ he whispered.
‘You hit him!’ snarled Push. ‘You can’t do that!’
‘He hit me,’ repeated Parker and a bit of wet appeared at the corner of his eye. It wasn’t hurt so much as shock that put it there.
‘You ain’t to call me that,’ said Benny and he started to shuffle away.
‘You hit him! You hit him!’ called Push, turning to the onlookers. ‘He hit him! He’s not allowed to do that.’ She was screaming now.
There was a long pause until a man with one of those pull-along shopping bags lifted his eyes from his paper and stared at Push. ‘Quite right, too,’ he said.
It was as if someone had pushed a button. The entire bus queue turned to each other and all started talking at once. “Bout Time Too”; “Got To Learn”; “Getting Away With It For Too Long”, were some of the things that Lewis heard. Then they all turned back to face the way the bus would come and resumed their silent wait.
Only one old lady was still facing Push. ‘Better get used to it, Kid,’ she said. She didn’t sound unkindly.
Parker got up and rubbed his aching jaw. A small purple bruise was starting to appear.
Chapter Two
Colonel Lionel Jackman (Retired) lived in a leafy avenue near Cheltenham. It was nice. Except for the children who congregated on the corner by the phone box, sometimes until as late as 9.30 AT NIGHT. He didn’t like them. And neither did his wife, Dotty, (that was her name).
Colonel and Mrs Jackman didn’t have children. They couldn’t see the point of them. ‘What bloody use are they?’ he would ask his wife. ‘Horrible, smelly, loud, rude.’
He didn’t like children with bikes who rode on the pavement and expected you to get out of the way. He didn’t like children with skate boards that made loud kerklunking noises outside his office. He didn’t like children with spikes sticki
ng out of their faces or hats on back-to-front.
He talked to people at the Golf Club about it and they agreed with him. He found ten like-minded people and before you could say, “Bring Back National Service”, they had formed A Committee. It wasn’t long before the committee became A Political Party, with a logo and headed notepaper and a newsletter and all.
Then one of his richer friends gave him a million pound loan and he set up a Party Headquarters and started paying An Organiser. They called themselves England For Adults and they had a mission. They would get some respect from Young People even if they had to beat it into them.
They talked about MANNERS and ELDERS AND BETTERS and something called THE OLD DAYS. Their favourite expression was “It never did me any harm”, which usually related to dimly-remembered thrashings they received from sadistic schoolmasters.
But it wasn’t going anywhere. They won a few seats on local councils but not enough to get them noticed. And they weren’t a national party. The idea of joining England For Adults didn’t go down too well in Scotland or Wales or Thingy. So they bobbed along in obscurity and if anyone did mention them it was usually when taking the piss.
But then the government of the day decided they had had enough of one government for the whole of the UK and announced that the next elections would be for a new Parliament for England. And Jackman saw his chance.
* * * * *
The first bit of law produced by the new government was “The Hoodies and Other Offensive Headgear Act” and it came into force just two weeks after Jackman swept to power in a landslide election victory. He had annihilated the other parties and England For Adults had so many MPs that they could do what they liked.
The new Act first came to the attention of Lewis as he sat round the kitchen table at Parker’s house. Parker’s mum was oiling her javelin on the kitchen table.
Parker took a lot of stick for his mum. She represented the county at the Javelin and she was good. Some said she could be on the way to the next Olympics. But there was no denying that she was quite large. Dean Spiller had once said, ‘Is that your Mum or your Dad?’ to Parker when she met him at the school gate one day to take him to the Dentist’s.
‘Yeah, well she could sort your Dad out any day,’ was Parker’s response. Dean never repeated the comment. Parker was very proud of his mum.
Parker was reading the instruction book for a PC game and Lewis was leaning over his shoulder. Push’s face appeared at the kitchen window and she squealed with delight when she saw the javelin.