CHAPTER XLI
LISTENERS HEAR NO GOOD
"Not that there is anything to make one so very uneasy," said Mr.Twemlow, "only that one has a right to know the meaning of what we areexpected to put up with. Nothing is clear, except that we have not oneman in the Government who knows his own mind, or at any rate dares topronounce it. Addington is an old woman, and the rest--oh, when shallwe have Pitt back again? People talk of it, and long for it; but theCountry is so slow. We put up with everything, instead of demanding thatthe right thing shall be done at once. Here is Boney, a fellow raised upby Satan as the scourge of this island for its manifold sins; and now heis to be the Emperor forsooth--not of France, but of Europe, continentalEurope. We have only one man fit to cope with him at all, and the voiceof the nation has been shouting for him; but who pays any attentionto it? This state of things is childish--simply childish; or perhaps Iought to say babyish. Why, even the children on the sea-shore know, whenthey make their little sand walls against the tide, how soon they mustbe swept away. But the difference is this, that they don't live insidethem, and they haven't got all that belongs to them inside them. Nobodymust suppose for a moment that a clergyman's family would fail to knowwhere to look for help and strength and support against all visitations;but, in common with the laity, we ask for Billy Pitt."
"And in another fortnight you will have him," replied Captain Stubbard,who was dining there that day. "Allow me to tell you a little thing thathappened to my very own self only yesterday. You know that I am one ofthe last people in the world to be accused of any--what's the properword for it? Mrs. Stubbard, you know what I mean--Jemima, why the deucedon't you tell them?"
"Captain Stubbard always has more meaning than he can well put intowords," said his wife; "his mind is too strong for any dictionary.Hallucination is the word he means."
"Exactly!" cried the Captain. "That expresses the whole of what I wantedto say, but went aside of it. I am one of the last men in the world tobecome the victim of any--there, I've lost it again! But never mind. Youunderstand now; or if you don't, Mrs. Stubbard will repeat it. What Imean is that I see all things square, and straight, and with their owncorners to them. Well, I know London pretty well; not, of course, asI know Portsmouth. Still, nobody need come along with me to go fromCharing Cross to St. Paul's Church-yard; and pretty tight I keep all myhatches battened down, and a sharp pair of eyes in the crow's-nest--forto have them in the foretop won't do there. It was strictly on duty thatI went up--the duty of getting a fresh stock of powder, for guns are notmuch good without it; and I had written three times, without answer orpowder. But it seems that my letters were going the rounds, and wouldturn up somewhere, when our guns were stormed, without a bit of stuff tomake answer."
"Ah, that's the way they do everything now!" interrupted Mr. Twemlow. "Ithought you had been very quiet lately; but I did not know what a goodreason you had. We might all have been shot, and you could not havefired a salute, to inform the neighbourhood!"
"Well, never mind," replied the Captain, calmly; "I am not complaining,for I never do so. Young men might; but not old hands, whose duty it isto keep their situation in life. Well, you must understand that the airof London always makes me hungry. There are so many thousands of peoplethere that you can't name a time when there is nobody eating, and thismakes a man from the country long to help them. Anyhow, I smelled roastmutton at a place where a little side street comes up into the Strand;and although it was scarcely half past twelve, it reminded me of Mrs.Stubbard. So I called a halt, and stood to think upon a grating, and thescent became flavoured with baked potatoes. This is always more than Ican resist, after all the heavy trials of a chequered life. So I pushedthe door open, and saw a lot of little cabins, right and left of a foreand aft gangway, all rigged up alike for victualling. Jemima, I told youall about it. You describe it to the Rector and Mrs. Twemlow."
"Don't let us trouble Mrs. Stubbard," said the host; "I know the sort ofthing exactly, though I don't go to that sort of place myself."
"No, of course you don't. And I was a little scared at first, forthere was sawdust enough to soak up every drop of my blood, if they hadpistolled me. Mrs. Twemlow, I beg you not to be alarmed. My wife hassuch nerves that I often forget that all ladies are not like her. Nowdon't contradict me, Mrs. Stubbard. Well, sir, I went to the end of thiscockpit--if you like to call it so--and got into the starboard berth,and shouted for a ration of what I had smelled outside. And althoughit was far from being equal to its smell--as the character is ofeverything--you might have thought it uncommon good, if you had nevertasted Mrs. Stubbard's cooking, after she had been to the butcherherself. Very well. I don't care for kickshaws, even if I could affordthem, which has never yet been my destiny. So I called for anotherration of hot sheep--beg your pardon, ladies, what I mean is mutton--andhalf a dozen more of baked potatoes; and they reminded me of being athome so much that I called for a pint of best pine-apple rum and abrace of lemons, to know where I was--to remind me that I wasn't where Icouldn't get them."
"Oh, Adam!" cried Mrs. Stubbard, "what will you say next? Not onweekdays, of course, but nearly every Sunday--and the samples of hispowder in his pocket, Mr. Twemlow!"
"Jemima, you are spoiling my story altogether. Well, you mustunderstand that this room was low, scarcely higher than the cabin of afore-and-after, with no skylights to it, or wind-sail, or port-hole thatwould open. And so, with the summer coming on, as it is now--though aprecious long time about it--and the smell of the meat, and the thoughtsof the grog, and the feeling of being at home again, what did I do butfall as fast asleep as the captain of the watch in a heavy gale of wind!My back was to the light, so far as there was any, and to make sure ofthe top of my head, I fetched down my hat--the soft-edged one, the sameas you see me wear on fine Sundays.
"Well, I may have gone on in that way for an hour, not snoring, as Mrs.Stubbard calls it, but breathing to myself a little in my sleep, when Iseemed to hear somebody calling me, not properly, but as people do ina dream--'Stoobar--Stoobar--Stoobar,' was the sound in my ears, like myconscience hauling me over the coals in bad English. This made me wakeup, for I always have it out with that part of me when it mutinies; butI did not move more than to feel for my glass. And then I perceived thatit was nothing more or less than a pair of Frenchmen talking about mein the berth next to mine, within the length of a marlin-spike from myblessed surviving ear.
"Some wiseacre says that listeners never hear good of themselves, andupon my word he was right enough this time, so far as I made out. TheFrench language is beyond me, so far as speaking goes, for I never canlay hold of the word I want; but I can make out most of what those queerpeople say, from being a prisoner among them once, and twice in commandof a prize crew over them. And the sound of my own name pricked me up tolisten sharply with my one good ear. You must bear in mind, Rector,that I could not see them, and durst not get up to peep over thequarter-rail, for fear of scaring them. But I was wearing a shorthanger, like a middy's dirk--the one I always carry in the battery."
"I made Adam promise, before he went to London," Mrs. Stubbard explainedto Mrs. Twemlow, "that he would never walk the streets without steel orfirearms. Portsmouth is a very wicked place indeed, but a garden of Edencompared with London."
"Well, sir," continued Captain Stubbard, "the first thing I heard thoseFrenchmen say was: 'Stoobar is a stupid beast, like the ox that takesthe prize up here, except that he has no claim to good looks, but thecontrary--wholly the contrary.' Mrs. Stubbard, I beg you to preserveyour temper; you have heard others say it, and you should now despisesuch falsehoods. 'But the ox has his horns, and Stoobar has none. Forall his great guns there is not one little cup of powder.' The villainslaughed at this, as a very fine joke, and you may well suppose that Ialmost boiled over. 'You have then the command of this beast Stoobar?'the other fellow asked him, as if I were a jackass. 'How then have youso very well obtained it?' 'In a manner the most simple. Our chief hashim by the head and heels: by the head, by being over him; and
by theheels, because nothing can come in the rear without his knowledge.Behold! you have all.' 'It is very good,' the other villain answered;'but when is it to be, my most admirable Charron?--how much longer?--howmany months?' 'Behold my fingers,' said the one who had abused me; 'Iput these into those, and then you know. It would have been already,except for the business that you have been employed upon in this blackhole. Hippolyte, you have done well, though crookedly; but all isstraight for the native land. You have made this Government appear moretreacherous in the eyes of France and Europe than our own is, and youhave given a good jump to his instep for the saddle. But all this throwsus back. I am tired of tricks; I want fighting; though I find themquite a jolly people.' 'I don't,' said the other, who was clearly a lowscoundrel, for his voice was enough to settle that; 'I hate them; theyare of thick head and thick hand, and would come in sabots to catchtheir enemy asleep. And now there is no chance to entangle any more.Their Government will be of the old brutal kind, hard knocks, and nostratagems. In less than a fortnight Pitt will be master again. I knowit from the very best authority. You know what access I have.' 'Thenthat is past,' the other fellow answered, who seemed to speak more likea gentleman, although he was the one that ran down me; 'that is theDevil. They will have their wits again, and that very fat Stoobar willbe supplied with powder. Hippolyte, it is a very grand joke. Withinthree miles of his head (which is empty, like his guns) we have nearlytwo hundred barrels of powder, which we fear to bring over in thoseflat-bottoms for fear of a volley among them. Ha! ha! Stoobar is onefine fat ox!'
"This was all I heard, for they began to move, having had enough sugarand water, I suppose; and they sauntered away to pay their bill at thehatch put up at the doorway. It was hopeless to attempt to follow them;but although I am not so quick in stays as I was, I slewed myself roundto have a squint at them. One was a slight little active chap, withdapper legs, and jerks like a Frenchman all over. I could pardon himfor calling me a great fat ox, for want of a bit of flesh upon his ownbones. But he knows more about me than I do of him, for I never clappedeyes on him before, to my knowledge. The other was better built, and ofsome substance, but a nasty, slouchy-looking sort of cur, with high furcollars and a long grey cloak. And that was the one called Hippolyte,who knows all about our Government. And just the sort of fellow whowould do so in these days, when no honest man knows what they are upto."
"That is true," said the Rector--"too true by half. But honest mensoon will have their turn, if that vile spy was well informed. Theastonishing thing is that England ever puts up with such shamefulanarchy. What has been done to defend us? Nothing, except your battery,without a pinch of powder! With Pitt at the helm, would that havehappened? How could we have slept in our beds, if we had known it?Fourteen guns, and not a pinch of powder!"
"But you used to sleep well enough before a gun was put there." Mrs.Stubbard's right to spare nobody was well established by this time."Better have the guns, though they could not be fired, than no guns atall, if they would frighten the enemy."
"That is true, ma'am," replied Mr. Twemlow; "but until the guns came,we had no sense of our danger. Having taught us that, they were bound toact up to their teaching. It is not for ourselves that I have any fear.We have long since learned to rest with perfect faith in the Hand thatoverruleth all. And more than that--if there should be a disturbance, mynephew and my godson Joshua has a house of fourteen rooms in a Wiltshirevalley, quite out of the track of invaders. He would have to fight, forhe is Captain in the Yeomanry; and we would keep house for him till allwas over. So that it is for my parish I fear, for my people, my schools,and my church, ma'am."
"Needn't be afraid, sir; no call to run away," cried the Captain ofthe battery, having now well manned his own portholes with the Rector'ssound wine; "we shall have our powder in to-morrow, and the French can'tcome to-night; there is too much moon. They never dare show their nosesnor'ard of their sands, with the man in the moon--the John Bull in themoon--looking at them. And more than that, why, that cursed Boney--"
"Adam, in Mr. Twemlow's house! You must please to excuse him, all goodpeople. He has sate such a long time, without saying what he likes."
"Jemima, I have used the right word. The parson will back me up in everyletter of it, having said the same thing of him, last Sunday week. ButI beg Mrs. Twemlow's pardon, if I said it loud enough to disturb her.Well, then, this blessed Boney, if you prefer it, is a deal too full ofhis own dirty tricks for mounting the throne of the King they murdered,to get into a flat-bottomed boat at Boulogne, and a long sight toojealous a villain he is, to let any one command instead of him. Why,the man who set foot upon our shore, and beat us--if such a thing can besupposed--would be ten times bigger than Boney in a month, and would situpon his crown, if he gets one."
"Well, I don't believe they will ever come at all," the solid Mrs.Stubbard pronounced, with decision. "I believe it is all a sham, andwhat they want is to keep us from attacking them in France. However, itis a good thing on the whole, and enables poor Officers, who havefought well for their country, to keep out of the Workhouse with theirfamilies."
"Hearken, hearken to Mrs. Stubbard!" the veteran cried, as he patted hiswaistcoat--a better one than he could have worn, and a larger one thanhe could have wanted, except for the promised invasion. "I will back mywife against any lady in the land for common-sense, and for putting itplainly. I am not ashamed to say thank God for the existence ofthat blessed Boney. All I hope is that he will only try to land atSpringhaven--I mean, of course, when I've got my powder."
"Keep it dry, Captain," said the Rector, in good spirits. "Yourconfidence makes us feel comfortable; and of course you would draw alltheir fire from the village, and the houses standing near it, as thisdoes. However, I pray earnestly every night that they may attempt it insome other parish. But what was it you heard that Frenchman say abouttwo or three hundred barrels of powder almost within three miles of us?Suppose it was to blow up, where should we be?"
"Oh, I don't believe a word of that. It must be brag and nonsense. Tobegin with, there is no place where they could store it. I know all theneighbourhood, and every house in it. And there are no caves on thiscoast in the cliff, or holes of that kind such as smugglers use.However, I shall think it my duty to get a search-order from AdmiralDarling, and inspect large farm-buildings, such as Farmer Graves hasgot, and another man the other side of Pebbleridge. Those are the onlyplaces that could accommodate large stores of ammunition. Why, we cantake only forty barrels in the fire-proof magazine we have built. Weall know what liars those Frenchmen are. I have no more faith in the 200barrels of powder than I have in the 2000 ships prepared on the oppositecoast to demolish us."
"Well, I hope you are right," Mr. Twemlow answered. "It does seem a veryunlikely tale. But the ladies are gone. Let us have a quiet pipe. A manwho works as hard as you and I do is entitled to a little repose now andthen."