“But once Chris was born, when I held him, I just couldn’t give him up. Pam and Parker were really upset … they wanted a baby so much. You see, Pam can’t have children, so they have to adopt if they’re ever going to have a family. So, rather than lose Chris altogether, they suggested that we have a kind of open adoption—where I could live with them, take care of the baby, even finish school. We made up the story about me being his sitter so that I could fit in at school. Except it hasn’t been so easy. I don’t have anything in common with the girls my age anymore. I mean, when you’re changing diapers and fixing formula, it’s easy to lose interest in high-school life. And I sure don’t want to date anyone. Besides, what high-school guy wants to date a girl with a child of her own?” Kathy stared up at Ellie, her eyes large, luminous, and sad.
It broke Ellie’s heart. “What about your parents? What do they want you to do?”
“It’s complicated. My father really is a diplomat. He received his appointment to Kuwait a few months before Chris was born. And he couldn’t take his unmarried, pregnant daughter into that culture. It would have hurt him politically. He has a future in the diplomatic corps. I didn’t want to ruin it for him. All along they’ve wanted me to give Chris up for adoption—they never kept their feelings a secret.”
Ellie could only imagine the kind of pressure Kathy must have been under when Chris was born—adults bombarding her from every side with urgings to give up her baby. “You must have been so scared when you found out you were pregnant.”
Kathy nodded. “I was fifteen, a sophomore, and scared out of my wits. But I knew I’d never have an abortion. I couldn’t do that to my baby. It wasn’t his fault he was growing inside me. I waited until I was six months along before I told my parents. By then it was too late to have an abortion.”
Six months! That seemed like a lifetime to keep such a secret. “What about Chris’s father? Why didn’t the two of you get married?”
Kathy’s expression hardened. “He didn’t want to be saddled with a family at sixteen. You see, he was an athlete. He had big plans for college. He had told me he loved me. I believed him. Yet when I told him I was pregnant …” Kathy paused. “Ellie, don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t get pregnant the first time you ‘do it.’ You can. I’m proof of that.”
“I’m sorry.” Ellie was sorry, but the word sounded inadequate. She kept imagining Kathy’s fear and panic.
“Everyone was sorry. But it didn’t change anything—I was still going to have a baby. So my dad and brothers moved to Kuwait, and Mom stayed with me until Chris was born. When I didn’t sign the papers, Mom got pretty angry. But I just couldn’t.” Kathy turned her tortured gaze on Ellie. “That’s when Pam and Parker made their offer. I took it, thinking I could move up here, finish school on schedule, and go on with my life.”
“You can still do that.”
“But you’ve found out the truth.” Kathy hung her head. “I’m fuel for the gossip mill at school.”
Shocked, Ellie knelt beside her friend. “I will never tell your secret. Never! You can finish out the year without being afraid that I’ll say anything. I promise you, Kathy.”
“Having this to talk about would certainly get you back into everybody’s good graces.”
Hurt by Kathy’s insinuation, Ellie sat back on her heels. “I won’t do it. I don’t care if they never speak to me again.”
Kathy managed a smile. “I’d be very grateful if you kept my secret. In six months, I’ll graduate.”
“Then what?”
Kathy shrugged. “A lot depends on whether or not I sign the papers.”
“So are you going to?”
“I don’t know. I thought it would be easier to let Chris go after a year, but it isn’t. Every time Chris calls Pam Mama, it cuts me like a knife. I’m E, but she’s Mama.”
“So don’t sign. He’ll never remember the Davidsons if you move out and raise him yourself.”
“Look around you, Ellie. Look at all the things they can give him.”
“So they can give him a lot of stuff. It shouldn’t be about giving him stuff.”
“They can make him a part of a family,” Kathy said, her voice full of passion. “I can’t give him that. Pam and Parker love Chris, and they want to be his parents more than anything. Pam will quit work the second Chris is theirs. She only works now to give me lots of time with Chris, and to stay busy in case I—” She interrupted herself. “They love Chris, too. How can I take him away from them?”
There was no simple answer to Kathy’s dilemma. From what Ellie could see, there didn’t seem to be an answer at all. “What are you going to do, Kathy?”
“I don’t know, Ellie. I swear, I don’t know what to do.”
Nine
For days Ellie couldn’t get Kathy off her mind. She felt so sorry for her. What a terrible choice Kathy was left to make. Ellie didn’t even know the name of the boy who hadn’t stood by Kathy, but she hated him for Kathy’s sake. He’d deserted Kathy and his son. It didn’t seem fair.
Three days before Christmas, Ellie’s mother came home with good news. She’d gotten a Christmas bonus check and a promotion at her day job. Now she’d be able to quit her evening job at the mall. “What a relief!” she’d declared when she told Ellie and Marcy.
Ellie was happy for her mother—for herself and her sister, too. And the change in their mother was dramatic. She smiled more and grew less tense and edgy, which gave Ellie hope that Christmas wouldn’t be a repeat of Thanksgiving.
Ellie had gone to the mall for some last-minute purchases and was running out of a store when she bumped smack into Maria.
“Ellie! How goes it?”
“Fine. How about you?”
“Okay … a little crazy. My aunt and cousins are coming in tonight. They live in Indiana. We went up there last Christmas. Now it’s their turn to come here. My cousin Shelly is all right, but the other two are sort of a pain.” Maria poured on the details.
“Been to any more parties?” Ellie asked, her tone pointed. She was still upset with Maria for turning against her.
Maria turned red. “Listen, Ellie, I never believed one word of what Chad said about you after that party.”
“Really? I’d never have guessed it by the way you treated me.”
“I defended you. Honest. I told the others you would never have gone up to the bedroom with Chad unless he tricked you. I knew you didn’t have sex with him—no matter how much he bragged that you had.”
Ellie felt a sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach. The lies still hurt, but suddenly they didn’t seem so important. As Kathy was fond of saying, they were “very high school.” Ellie looked Maria in the eye. “He really did tell lies about me, Maria. I told Chad no, he got angry, and now he’s getting even. But I’m glad I told him no. He can say whatever he wants. I know the truth. He knows the truth. I said no to the great Chad Wilson.”
Maria managed a self-conscious smile. “I’ll do what I can to set the record straight with the others. And, uh—Ellie … I’ll see you at school after the holidays. Okay?”
“Okay.” Ellie watched Maria hurry off, knowing that whatever happened when school started again, she would never be quite so eager to fit in with the old gang. Kathy’s friendship—Kathy’s life—had changed her, made her see love and commitment with different eyes. Ellie left the mall feeling better about herself than she had in weeks.
“Are you sure they want me to come to this birthday party, honey?”
“Positive, Mom. Kathy and the Davidsons invited all three of us.” Ellie sat in the front seat, Marcy in the back, as their mother drove down the quiet residential streets in the late afternoon of Christmas Eve.
“It just seems odd, that’s all. I don’t even know these people.”
“You’ve met Kathy.”
“Well, yes, but it’s been years since I’ve been to a birthday party for a one-year-old.”
“Chris is really cute, Mom,” Marcy piped up fro
m the backseat. “You’re going to love him.”
“We can’t stay too long,” their mother said. “I don’t want to be late for church. The candlelight service is my favorite.”
“Mine too,” Marcy chirped.
The Christmas Eve candlelight service was Ellie’s favorite also. But tonight her mind wasn’t on Christmas. It was on Kathy. One year ago Kathy had been in the hospital, having a baby. A baby she loved and now had to decide whether to keep or give up for adoption.
“Turn here,” Ellie told her mother.
“Holy cow,” her mother said, pulling into the Davidsons’ driveway. “I didn’t know we were going to a palace. Did I dress well enough?”
“You look fine, Mom.”
The front of the house and the shrubbery were decorated with small white lights. There was a glowing candle in every window, and two enormous wreaths trimmed with red velvet bows hung on the double front doors. “They’re just regular people,” Ellie said, getting out of the car. Marcy grabbed the bag of birthday gifts and followed.
After a round of introductions, Ellie and her family were taken into the formal dining room, where the party had been set up. “The kitchen seemed too casual,” Pam explained. “But all of a sudden this looks too formal,” she added with a laugh.
At one end Parker had positioned a video camera. Chris sat in his high chair. His blond hair had been combed in an attempt to tame his curls, and he wore a big bib that had #1 BIRTHDAY BOY emblazoned across it in bright red. He grinned winsomely, and a lump closed off Ellie’s throat. How could Kathy let him go?
Kathy brought in a cake with one glowing candle. Everyone sang and Chris beamed while the video camera recorded every moment. After everyone had eaten cake and the adults had lingered over coffee, Marcy took Chris into another room to play with him and his new toys. Kathy and Ellie went outside. They walked across the lawn and out onto the dock that jutted into the lake. A long-necked crane lifted from the edge of the water and flew above the horizon across the bright orange circle of the setting sun. The air, barely tinged with coolness, was heavy with the scent of tropical blossoms.
“How’s it going?” Ellie asked.
“My parents called today from Kuwait to wish me a merry Christmas. They said that after I graduate, if I want to bring Chris and come live with them, it would be all right. They said they’d make up some story about the two of us to tell everybody.”
Ellie contemplated Kathy’s news. “Well, it would be a way for you to keep Chris.”
“They don’t really want us, Ellie. They’re just feeling guilty about the way they handled everything last year.”
“But once they see Chris, they’ll fall in love with him. They won’t be able to help themselves.”
Kathy managed a sad smile. “That’s probably true, but Chris and I couldn’t live with my parents forever. Eventually we’d have to come back and I’d have to get some kind of job. How will I take care of Chris all by myself?”
“Maybe Pam and Parker could adopt both of you.”
Kathy patted Ellie’s arm. “Nice thought, but probably not. No … Chris and I will have to be on our own.”
“Gee, Kathy, this is really tough. I wish I could help you.”
“You have helped,” Kathy said with a sigh. “I’m glad to have somebody to talk to about it. Until you, I had no one but Pam. Or my parents—if I wanted to call Kuwait.”
“And they all want you to give up Chris.”
“I want to do what’s right, Ellie. What’s best for both of us.”
At that moment the screen door slammed, and both girls turned to see Marcy sprinting toward them. “Mom says we have to go if we’re going to get a seat in church,” Marcy told Ellie.
Ellie turned to Kathy. “Do you want to come with us? It’s a really nice service. Real peaceful.”
Kathy shook her head. “I want to be with Chris. It’s his birthday.”
Marcy grabbed Ellie’s hand and pointed up. “Look! The first star. Everybody make a wish.”
Ellie looked up, then over at Kathy. Tears shimmered in Kathy’s eyes. “I’ve wished on that star a hundred times,” Kathy said. “I don’t even know what to wish for anymore.”
But Ellie did. She took Kathy’s hand, looked up at the bright, glimmering star, and wished with all her heart for Kathy to find her answer. For Kathy to be at peace with whatever she chose to do.
Later, when they were driving to church, Ellie’s mother said, “You know, I really had a good time tonight. I’m glad I went.”
“Me too!” Marcy cried.
“And when I was talking to the Davidsons, they said they might help me get the back child support your father owes. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?” Her mother glanced over at Ellie. “You’re awfully quiet. Anything wrong?”
“No … I just have some things on my mind.”
“Are you wishing you could live like Kathy does? If so, I understand. Who wouldn’t want to live like that?”
“No, Mom,” Ellie said quietly. “I wouldn’t trade places with Kathy for anything in the world.”
Ten
“Come look at all the presents we got!” Ellie buried her face in her pillow. “Geez, Marcy, what time is it anyway?”
“Six-thirty. Time to get up. It’s Christmas.”
Ellie smelled the aromas of coffee brewing and orange-raisin muffins baking. “Is Mom up?”
“Everybody’s up ’cept you.” Marcy tugged on Ellie’s hand.
“I’m coming,” Ellie mumbled sleepily.
By the time she got downstairs, her mother was sitting on the couch, sipping coffee. Marcy was eagerly pawing through the pile of gifts—a far larger pile than Ellie had expected. “Are all these for us?” Ellie asked her mother.
“There are some perks when you work in a department store,” her mother said with a laugh. “One is a twenty percent discount.”
“Thanks, Mom,” Ellie said, realizing that the pile of gifts meant sacrifice, not surplus.
“I know this past year’s been rough on you girls, but I love you both and I only want the best for you.” She squeezed Ellie’s hand.
“This big one’s for me!” Marcy said. She pulled out a large box from where Ellie had stashed it behind the tree. “It says it’s from Santa.” Marcy giggled. “I’m too old for Santa.”
“You sure about that?” Ellie asked. “He’d be insulted if he knew you felt that way about him, you know.”
Marcy ripped off the paper and squealed. “It’s my Barbie apartment! Look! Just what I wanted.” She looked at her mother. “Thanks, Mom!”
“It’s not from me,” their mother said, looking surprised.
“Don’t look at me,” Ellie said when Marcy turned her way.
“But who …?” Marcy paused. “Oh, who cares? I love it. It’s just what I wanted.”
Eventually Ellie opened her clock radio, which she’d carefully wrapped and labeled TO ELLIE FROM SANTA. Much later, after all the gifts had been opened and Marcy was playing happily in the living room, Ellie and her mother nibbled on warm muffins at the kitchen table. “That’s a nice radio you bought for yourself,” Ellie’s mother said. “But it isn’t the one you told me you were getting. There’s no CD player in it.”
Ellie shrugged. “I decided I didn’t need a CD player. A radio is just fine.”
“You bought that toy for Marcy, didn’t you?”
“She really wanted it.”
“You really wanted that CD clock radio.”
Ellie shrugged. “Not as much as I thought I did.”
Her mother cupped her hand over Ellie’s. “It was kind of you, Ellie. And it makes me proud of you. You’re turning into such a fine young woman.”
Ellie felt a deep pleasure at her mother’s words. “It’s nice to have a family, Mom. Even half of one.”
“I love you, Ellie. You and Marcy mean the world to me. I don’t know if your father will ever be a part of your lives again. I hope he will. He’s missing so much by staying away.”<
br />
Ellie couldn’t answer around the lump in her throat. She took a big swig of milk to keep from bawling.
Night had come before Ellie made it over to Kathy’s. She found Kathy sitting on the dock, looking across the dark water. On the far side of the lake, houses were ablaze with lights, and the faint sounds of Christmas music drifted on the cool night air. A lamp, secured to a post on the dock, cast a pool of soft yellow light downward, illuminating the wooden boards. “Hi,” Ellie said, sitting beside Kathy. “I brought some Christmas presents for you and Chris. They’re from me and Marcy.” She slid the paper bag she’d been carrying closer to Kathy.
“That’s nice of you,” Kathy said, fingering the bag. “Did you have a good Christmas?”
“Yeah, we did. Better than I ever expected. How about you?”
“The Davidsons gave me tons of stuff. And Chris, too. He fell asleep before he even finished opening his gifts.”
Ellie smiled, imagining the little boy nodding off over his piles of presents. She reached into the bag. “This is for Chris from Marcy. It’s a sock doll that she made herself.”
“I’ll let him open it tomorrow.”
“And I bought him this Nerf soccer ball. I figure he can’t do too much damage with it.” Ellie reached down into the bag. “And these are for you.”
Kathy unwrapped the smaller box first and found a pair of soccer-ball earrings. “Cute,” she said.
“Marcy’s idea to match up the soccer balls!”
The next box held a beautiful book, its cover decorated with angels. The pages were blank, except for the first one, on which Ellie had written, The Thoughts and Feelings of Kathy Tolena. Given to her by Ellie Matthias, Christmas Day. “I thought you might like to keep a journal,” she said. “It’s supposed to help you feel better to write down your feelings.”
“It’s beautiful. Thank you.” Kathy smoothed her palm over the surface of the book. “I have plenty to write about.” She reached into the pocket of her oversized sweater and pulled out a small box. “I’ve been carrying it around all day. It’s for you.”