Outside, it was a lovely night. Oh good, and all the stars were out hanging about waiting to see the next exciting installment in the Georgia is a prat saga.
Masimo leaned against the wall and looked at me. Please don’t look at me like that, it is heartbreaking. Then he said, “Can I to explain things? Gina has come from Italy, she is…er, was my girlfriend, I tell you about. The one I have serious love with, and then we break up, and I…well, I say to you that I want nothing serious.”
Yes, yes, I have been to this particular cakeshop of aggers before. I didn’t know what to say, so I thought I might as well practice my mate skills.
Big breath, relax, casualosity and matiness at all times and, “Did you see the footie scores this arvie?”
He looked at me as if I was bonkers.
I am.
Then he laughed. “The footie scores?”
I nodded in an interested way.
He said, “Georgia, Gina has come to see me to tell me she has a new boyfriend.”
Pardon?
He was still looking at me. “She was very, you know, in her heart breaking after us, so I felt well…hard for her hard for me to have a girlfriend. Now she tell me she is better. So all is good.”
Is it?
What is going on now?
He was still looking at me.
“So, Signorína Georgia, what do you think? Now I am free man for you. If you still want for us to go out.”
I was doing my very interesting and world-renowned impression of a goldfish with learning disorders when Jas and Tom appeared at the doorway beside themselves with excitement.
What is the matter with them? And why are they bothering me now when I practically have a Luuurve God in my hand.
A car pulled up behind me and I heard the car door open and then slam. I was too paralyzed to do anything, and besides I felt like I was in a slow-motion movie.
Masimo was staring over my shoulder. He looked really surprised and said, “Ciao. But when did you get back?”
I turned round and getting out of the car was Robbie.
Robbie.
Robbie whose name I wasn’t going to mention this side of the grave.
Robbie who was in Kiwi-a-gogo land.
Playing guitars in streams.
And snogging marsupials.
Except he wasn’t.
He was here.
I was quite literally speechless.
The Sex God had re-landed.
Glossary
allotment • A piece of land that you rent and grow stuff on. Like vegetables. Old men go to their allotments with their strange gardening trousers on and sit about complaining about how ridiculous young people look. Never go to one.
Alsatian • This is a big wolfy-type guard doggie, so called because it is from Alsatia, that well-known place in…erm…Lederhosen land. Possibly. Oh, I don’t know. Why am I being bothered with this? I am vair vair tired, and it’s only a dog when all is said and done.
arvie • Afternoon. From the Latin “arvo.” Possibly. As in the famous Latin invitation: “Lettus meetus this arvo.”
balaclava • This is from the Crimean War when our great-great-grannies spent all their time knitting hats to keep the English soldiers warm in the very, very cold Baltic. A balaclava covers everything apart from your eyes. It is like a big sock with a hole in it. Which just goes to show what really crap knitters our great-great-grannies were.
bhaji • A bhaji is an Indian food. An onion bhaji is brown and round and full of fat, hence my hilarious joke about Slim looking like one. I exhaust myself with my good humor, I do really.
billio • From the Australian outback. A billycan was something Aborigines boiled their goodies up in, or whatever it is they eat. Anyway, billio means boiling things up. Therefore, “my cheeks ached like billio” means—er—very achy. I don’t know why we say it. It’s a mystery, like many things. But that’s the beauty of life.
Blimey O’Reilly • (as in “Blimey O’Reilly’s trousers”) This is an Irish expression of disbelief and shock. Maybe Blimey O’Reilly was a famous Irish bloke who had extravagantly big trousers. We may never know the truth. The fact is, whoever he is, what you need to know is that a) it’s Irish and b) it is Irish. I rest my case.
blodge • Biology. Like geoggers—geography—or Froggie—French.
bloke • You must know what a bloke is…it is a person of the masculine gender. Hence the expression “my bloke”—as in “I am dumping my bloke because he is too thick.”
boboland • As I have explained many, many times English is a lovely and exciting language full of sophisticosity. To go to sleep is “to go to bobos,” so if you go to bed you are going to boboland. It is an Elizabethan expression (oh, OK then, Libby made it up and she can be unreasonably violent if you don’t join in with her).
Boots • A large drugstore chain selling mostly cosmetics.
boy entrancers • Ah, yes. The real emergence of the boy entrancers. Hmmm, well. Boy entrancers are false eyelashes. They are known as boy entrancers because they entrance boys. Normally. However, I have had some non-entrancing moments with them. For instance, when I put too much glue on to stick them on with. It was when I was at a Stiff Dylans’ gig trying to entrance Masimo. I was intending to do that looking up at him and then looking down and then looking up again, and possibly a bit of flicky hair (as suggested in How to Make Any Twit Fall in Love with You). I did the looking at him and looking down thing, but when I tried to look up again I couldn’t because my b.e.’s had stuck to my bottom lashes. So my eyes stayed shut. I tried raising my eyebrows (that must have looked good) and humming, but in the end out of sheer desperadoes I said, “Oooh, I love this one,” and went off doing blind disco dancing to Rolf Harris’s “Two Little Boys.” So in conclusion…boy entrancers are good but be alert for glue extravaganzas.
bugger • A swear word. It doesn’t really mean anything but neither do a lot of swear words. Or parents.
bum-oley • Quite literally bottom hole. I’m sorry but you did ask. Say it proudly (with a cheery smile and a Spanish accent).
cardi • Cardigan. Like pulli (pullover), only different.
chav • A chav is a common, rude, rough person. They wear naff clothes. A chav joke would be, “What are the first words a chav baby says to its single parent?” Answer: “What are YOU looking at??” Or: “If there are two chavs in a car and no loud music playing, what kind of a car is it?” Answer: “A police car.”
Chingachgook • You must know who he is, you Hamburgese types made him up in the first place. He was the last of the Mohicans. He hung around with Davey Crockett and they both wore hats made out of old beavers. (They were dead the beavers, not just old and having a little doze on Davey’s and Chingachgook’s heads.)
chips • French fries.
chuddie • Chewing gum. This is an “i” word thing. We have a lot of them in English due to our very busy lives, explaining stuff to other people not so fortunate as ourselves.
clud • This is short for cloud. Lots of really long boring poems and so on can be made much snappier by abbreviating words. So Tennyson’s poem called “Daffodils” (or “Daffs”) has the immortal line “I wandered lonely as a clud.” Ditto Rom and Jul. Or Ham. Or Merc. of Ven.
conk • Nose. This is very interesting historically. A very long time ago (1066)—even before my grandad was born—a bloke called William the Conqueror (French) came to England and shot our King Harold in the eye. Typical. And people wonder why we don’t like the French much. Anyway William had a big nose and so to get our own back we called him William the Big Conkerer. If you see what I mean. I hope you do because I am exhausting myself with my hilariosity and historiosity.
crisps • I think you call them potato chips. I don’t know why because we invented chips in England and we all know that they are big fat potatoes deep fried. But have it your own way.
div • Short for “dithering prat,” i.e., Jas.
double cool with knobs • “Dou
ble” and “with knobs” are instead of saying very or very, very, very, very. You’d feel silly saying, “He was very, very, very, very, very cool.” Also everyone would have fallen asleep before you had finished your sentence. So “double cool with knobs” is altogether snappier.
duffing up • Duffing up is the female equivalent of beating up. It is not so violent and usually involves a lot of pushing with the occasional pinch.
dustbins • Things to put your rubbish in. Or probably as you say in America land, refuse. Or is it garbage? Or junk? In England it is dustbin because we have a lot of dust (possibly).
fag • Cigarette.
fandango • A fandango is a complicated Spanish dance. So a fandango is a complicated thing. Yes, I know there is no dancing involved. Or Spanish.
first former • Kids of about eleven who have just started “big” school. They have shiny innocent faces, very tempting to slap.
five’s court • This is a typical Stalag 14 idea. It’s minus 45 degrees outside so what should we do to entertain the schoolgirls? Let them stay inside in the cozy warmth and read? No. Let’s build a concrete wall outside with a red line at waist height and let’s make them go and hit a hard ball at the red line with their little freezing hands. What larks!
footie • Soccer.
form • A form is what we call a class at English secondary schools. It is probably a Latin expression. Probably from the Latin “formus ignoramus.”
fringe • Goofy short bit of hair that comes down to your eyebrows. Someone told me that American-type people call them “bangs” but this is so ridiculously strange that it’s not worth thinking about. Some people can look very stylish with a fringe (i.e., me) while others look goofy (Jas). The Beatles started it apparently. One of them had a German girlfriend, and she cut their hair with a pudding bowl and the rest is history.
Froggie and geoggers • Froggie is short for French, geoggers is short for geography. Ditto blodge (biology) and lunck (lunch).
fule • Fool. This is a more pleasant way of saying it (ish). It sounds more Christmas-ey somehow…“Let’s all go sing a hey nonny no and bring in the Christmas-tide fule for the fire” and so on.
full-frontal snogging • Kissing with all the trimmings, lip to lip, open mouth, tongues…everything. (Apart from dribble, which is never acceptable.)
f.t. • I refer you to the famous “losing it” scale.
minor tizz
complete tizz and to-do
strop
a visit to Strop Central
F.T. (Funny turn)
spazattack
complete ditherspaz
nervy b. (nervous breakdown)
complete nervy b.
ballisiticisimus
games • Sports.
get off with • A romantic term. It means to use your womanly charms to entice a boy into a web of love. Oh OK then—snogging.
ginger nob • Someone with red hair. Red hair in England is a sign of lunacy. This stems from Henry VIII, who had red hair and also cut people’s heads off. A lot. For a laugh.
gob • Gob is an attractive term for someone’s mouth. For example, if you saw Mark (from up the road who has the biggest mouth known to womankind) you could yell politely, “Good Lord, Mark, don’t open your gob, otherwise people may think you are a basking whale in trousers and throw a mackerel at you” or something else full of hilariosity.
goosegog • Gooseberry. I know you are looking all quizzical now. OK. If there are two people and they want to snog and you keep hanging about saying “Do you fancy some chewing gum?” or “Have you seen my interesting new socks?” you are a gooseberry. Or for short a goosegog, i.e., someone who nobody wants around.
gorgey • Gorgeous. Like fabby (fabulous) and marvy (marvelous).
havvies • Haversacks. Life is too shor to fini wor.
horn • When you “have the horn” it’s the same as “having the big red bottom.”
Jammy Dodger • Biscuit with jam in it. Very nutritious (ish).
jimjams • Pajamas. Also pygmies or jammies.
jumper • Pullover. Hey, do you think it is called a jumper because it is made from wool and sheep jump about? No, neither do I.
Kiwi-a-gogo land • New Zealand. “A-gogo land” can be used to liven up the otherwise really boring names of other countries. America, for instance, is Hamburger-a-gogo land. Mexico is Mariachi-a-gogo land and France is Frogs’-legs-a-gogo land. This is from that very famous joke told every Christmas by the elderly mad (Grandad). Oh, very well, I’ll tell you it.
A man goes into a French restaurant and says to the French waiter, “Have you got frogs’ legs?”
The waiter says, “Oui, monsieur.”
And the man says, “Well, hop off and get me a sandwich then.”
This should give you some idea of what our Christmases are like.
knickers • Panties, briefs, things you wear to conceal girlie parts. Boys don’t wear knickers; they wear underpants or boxer shorts. Some of them wear underpants that have a Union Jack or a funny joke on them. So Jas says, but she is, as we are all only too aware, mad.
“Late and Live” • A late-night gig which has live bands on.
lippy • Oh come on, you know what it is! Lipstick!! Honestly, what are you lot like!!
loo • Lavatory. In America they say “rest room,” which is funny, as I never feel like having a rest when I go to the lavatory.
lurgy • Is when you feel icky-poo. Please tell me that you know what icky-poo means. Oh good Lord. It means “poorly.” Lurgy is like a bug. An illness bug. Ergo, tummy lurgy = stomach bug.
Manchester United • An English football team from the North of England. Otherwise known as “The Scum.” The most hated team apart from “The Blue Scum” (Chelsea). There is an important difference between them…one wears a red stripe and the other wears blue. That is all you need to know.
maths • Mathematics.
midget gem • Little sweets made out of hard jelly stuff in different fruit flavours. Jas loves them A LOT. She secretes them about her person, I suspect, often in her panties, so I never like to accept one from her on hygiene and lesbian grounds.
mug’s game • As in “love is a mug’s game.” The beauty of Billy Shakespeare language is that it is multi-whatsit. For instance “mug” can mean a cup. However, even the very dim amongst you (and I mean that in a caring way) can see that saying “Love is a cup’s game” is just silly. A mug can also mean a face. However “love is a face’s game” doesn’t have je ne sais quoi and verve. And this is where we come to my nub—mug can also mean a “fool,” like, for instance, my vati. So there you have it. “Love is a fool’s game.” Which is le fact.
naff • Unbearably and embarrassingly out of fashion and nerdy. Naff things are: Parents dancing to “modern” music, blue eyeshadow, blokes who wear socks with sandals, pigtails. You know what I mean.
nervy spaz • Nervous spasm. Nearly the same as a nervy b. (nervous breakdown) or an f.t. (funny turn), only more spectacular on the physical side.
nicked • Stolen.
nippy noodles • Instead of saying “Good heavens, it’s quite cold this morning,” you say “Cor—nippy noodles!!” English is an exciting and growing language. It is. Believe me. Just leave it at that. Accept it.
noughts and crosses • A “game” on paper where you try to fill in squares with either a nought or a cross. The first person to get three in a row wins. It is a terribly, terribly boring, pointless game, probably invented by Hawkeye.
nuddy-pants • Quite literally nude-colored pants, and you know what nude-colored pants are? They are no pants. So if you are in your nuddy-pants you are in your no pants, i.e., you are naked.
nunga-nungas • Basoomas. Girl’s breasty business. Ellen’s brother calls them nunga-nungas because he says that if you get hold of a girl’s breast and pull it out and then let it go—it goes nunga-nunga-nunga. As I have said many, many times with great wisdomosity, there is something really wrong w
ith boys.
pacamac • A rainproof coat that folds up into a tiny packet that you can pop in your handbag. It keeps you dry but you look like a fool.
panstick • Stick of makeup that you use to cover up spots with. Or in my mutti’s case to cover up the ravages of time and a careless attitude to skin care.
Pantalitzer • A terrifying Czech-made doll that sadistic parents (my vati) buy for their children, presumably to teach them early on about the horror of life. Essentially the Pantalitzer doll has a weird plastic face with a horrible fixed smile. The rest of Pantalitzer is a sort of cloth bag with hard plastic hands on each side like steel forks.
I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but I am not reassured that Eastern Europeans really know how to have a laugh.
pantibus • Latin for pants. Possibly. Who cares? It is a dead language. Who is going to complain if it isn’t Latin for pants—Romulus and Remus?
Pavlov’s dog • Pavlov was some Russian bloke who had some dogs. He trained them to dribble when he rang a bell. Don’t ask me why. The Russians are, as we all know, a bit on the strange side. Cossack dancing, for instance. I rest my case.