Me: How did you get rid of your anxiety? Really get rid of it, I know you still struggle, I see the marshmallow trails, but how did you get out of that funk?
Zane: First off, I think it’s only fair you tell me what you’re struggling with even though I’m pretty sure I already know.
My hands shook as I took the phone and got ready to chuck it across the room, only to find my entire body shaking right along with my hands.
Me: So. Angry.
It hurt to type. My body convulsed.
Zane: You’re not angry, man. If you were angry, you’d be over it… you… my friend… have a broken heart.
Me: The HELL I do!
Zane: Sure. Okay. But in my experience, which is vast, by the way, when it comes to emotional conditions, as you know — anger is always rooted in sadness — ALWAYS. Find someone who’s angry and I can freaking guarantee you, that deep down, something’s broken. So yeah, you’re angry, but your anger isn’t the sickness — it’s the symptom.
I dropped my phone into my lap like it was on fire.
Was he right? It buzzed again. I was afraid to look.
Zane: And until you deal with the sadness, the anger will always be there, brother.
I don’t know how long I stared at my phone, but I do know that I never texted him back. I knew he wouldn’t mind either. Because with all the hatred I’d had for myself, for Angelica, for the entire situation. I’d never once realized that for years and years, I’d been angry, I’d been relentless, I’d been a workaholic, I’d been hell bent on being something other than the famous Will Sutherland, even going as far as to change the way I dressed, talked, acted.
And for what?
Because every single part of my identity.
Had been fused with hers.
“YOU LOOK LIKE crap,” Ang said handing me a cup of coffee before swiping my keys off the counter. “I can drive.”
“You can drive?”
This was news to me. The girl never drove. Why drive when someone could drive you and you could drink in the back seat of the limo? It was something that had always bothered me about her, the fact that she didn’t really have a license, I mean she could figure it out as good as anyone but she was too lazy to go in and take a damn test.
“Don’t worry, I won’t kill us.” She gave me a sly wink before tucking her hair under another one of her baseball caps and opening the door to the house, locking it behind us.
Who was this person?
She unlocked the Rover and jumped in. The sky was a clear inky black, stars scattered all around. The breeze was frigid. If we had to go in the ocean today I was going to kick Jay’s ass.
Again.
Or at least threaten to.
I quickly turned on the heated seats and watched in shock and a little bit of awe as Ang moved the mirrors and her seat so that she was closer to the pedals and maybe just because God wanted to punish me and make me feel like a judgmental jackass — she pulled out a pair of black-rimmed glasses and gave me a shy look. “I um, have night blindness a bit but these help, I only use them when I drive, I think it’s more of a security thing since my vision is normally perfect.”
My jaw dropped.
I quickly took a sip of coffee and choked out. “Cool”
Yeah, I said cool.
A thirty-year-old said cool.
I ground my teeth and tried to focus on the heat coming through the vents rather than the fact that she looked so damn natural, normal… pretty.
And, shock of the century, she was a good driver.
Didn’t run through any stop signs, and when a little duck tried walking across the road she stopped and waited.
The car ride felt too short.
“Wait.” I put my hand on her arm before she turned off the car and shook my head. “We’re early. Let’s just… wait a few more minutes.”
She nodded and took a sip of her coffee. The Rover was facing the ocean, the set was lit up like a Christmas tree as people stumbled around trying to get things ready for the night party scene.
My focus was on everything going on inside that car.
With her.
The steady inhale and exhale between her lips.
The soft way she sipped her coffee, and waited patiently without filling the empty void of space with her voice.
And suddenly I couldn’t take it anymore, I was sleep deprived, probably delirious and talking out of my ass, but I couldn’t stop the words from tumbling past my lips. “You broke my heart.”
I didn’t give her time to respond.
I just got out of the car and started walking.
And didn’t look back.
Two PAs took one look at my face then gave me a wide berth as I trudged between them in search of the big ol J, and not the one directing, but the one that came out of a bottle. And just maybe, after I finished it, I could bang that bottle across my head, bleed out, and blame my stupidity on a head injury.
Unfortunately, the wrong Jay found me first.
“Did I just hear that one of my PAs thinks you’re about ready to beat the shit out of someone?” Jay crossed his bulky tatted arms, then shivered, grabbed his black hoodie off his director’s chair and tossed it over his head. “Because I think I’d like to see you lose your shit again.”
I stared down at the sand.
Too upset to even give him a response.
“Aw, mate—”
“Don’t!” I gripped him by the front of his sweatshirt and glared into his eyes. “Call. Me. Mate.”
His lips spread wide into an arrogant smile before he cockily sneered out a. “Mate.”
I shoved him away.
He grinned harder. “Wow, this really is getting to you. The last time I saw you this emotionally distressed was when you thought Zane was going to die. And even then you were still robotic in how you dealt with work, answering emails, going on as if life wasn’t getting ready to kick you in the ass for a second time after Ang—”
“Stop.” I tried walking past him, but it was his turn to grab me by the front of the shirt. My coffee fell into the sand, and then Jay was in my face, his nostrils flaring. I didn’t jerk away; maybe I needed to be hit.
Needed to feel something other than the anger.
Other than the revelation that I was so fucking sad I didn’t know who I was anymore.
A punch would be good for me.
I lifted my chin in preparation.
His jaw ticked. “You’re my friend, Will. Don’t make me hit some sense into you. Shocking, but I actually want you to learn the easy way.”
“Easy?” I spat. “You think this is easy for me?”
“No,” he snapped, releasing me. “Not at all. But I do think it’s necessary, otherwise you’re going to wake up one day alone and you’ll only have yourself to blame, what happens when you start pushing away your friends, what happens when whatever the hell that’s going on in here.” He tapped my chest. “Starts to poison every good thing in your life?” We were getting an audience, but I was too stunned to care. “You’re only as good as the space you put between you and your past. Well welcome to Hell, because you’re done running. That’s what true friends do. Now grab your shit from wardrobe and do your job before I punch out one of those perfectly capped teeth of yours.”
My chest heaved.
His matched.
So much testosterone swirled between us.
PAs were gaping.
Cell phones were out.
And two security guards were ready to break up the apparent fight.
I licked my lips and slowly picked up my discarded coffee cup then shuddered out a. “I think I’d rather be hit, man.”
“Wake up, Will, you’ve been taking hits every day since you walked out of her life, I’m not saying you’re going to shit rainbows if you deal with it, but at least you won’t die of a stroke at thirty-one alone in your pathetic Malibu mansion with all your toys and nobody to share them with.”
He shoved me away and walked off.
I was ready to slam the coffee cup back onto the ground when something caught my eye. It wasn’t my cup.
Or one of the cups that came with the house.
With shaking hands, I turned it over.
“I’ll always be your lighthouse. I’ll always lead you back home.” —Angelica
I HADN’T SEEN Will all day.
But I had heard about the drama that went on between him and Jaymeson, and I wasn’t the only one who was suffering for it. Every actor on set was ready to quit by the time the day was done. I’d never been yelled at more in my entire life.
Apparently, Jamie Jaymeson had a temper.
Who knew?
Nobody could do anything right, he was angry at the rain, angry that the ocean didn’t look blue enough, and when it was time to film the cast party scene all he did was complain that we weren’t trying hard enough.
I think even Linc was getting irritated.
About two hours in, and Pris, his gorgeous and perfect wife strolled on set with Linc’s girlfriend Dani. She took one look at the tension, grabbed his megaphone, and yelled. “Take lunch.”
Jaymeson opened his mouth to argue.
Then Pris grabbed it again and said, “One hour.”
Jaymeson kicked the sand.
I tried not to smirk, but it was hard. Huh, who knew he was such a softy when it came to his wife. A pang I recognized well started to flare to life in my chest, and I wondered, I allowed myself to think about the past, my choices both good and bad. What if things were different? Would I have had that?
Yes.
Because guys like Will, the guy he used to be, they didn’t just… magically appear every few centuries. And if they did, they were most likely taken by someone better than me.
Jay, Demetri, Alec, Linc, Zane — all of the guys were incredible, and they had equally incredible counterparts.
So maybe things wouldn’t have been different.
And now there was too much emotional damage between us.
I sat in the sand and wondered if it had been too much, serving him coffee in one of the many things I’d kept from our relationship and refused to let go of. He’d slammed his coffee cup into a million pieces while packing his stuff away the day everything ended, and I’d kept the one I made for him.
I never shot a film without it.
Never left home without it.
Because a part of me felt like every single time I took a sip from the mug, maybe, just maybe, I could still taste his lips.
I closed my eyes and laid back against the sand, too lazy to grab a towel or do anything but sulk and try to figure out why I was suddenly able to move forward while Will seemed stuck in quick sand.
“Hey!” Zane plopped down next to me, sand landed all over my body. I shouldn’t be surprised, it was Zane.
And then another body plopped on the other side, “Hey, man want a banana?”
“Love bananas,” Zane answered.
“Hey, Demetri.” I said it in a fake surprised voice. “Fancy seeing you here, on set…”
“We’re working on the theme song.” His response before another male voice interrupted. “Jay lost his shit today.”
Zane snorted. “It was bound to happen.”
“Surprised it didn’t happen sooner,” Alec said with his deep rumble.
My brother soon joined.
And I was surrounded by nothing but perfect men, half of whose lives I had wanted to destroy at one point, and most likely the only true friends I’d ever had.
I shrugged. “I heard there was a fight, but I don’t know what happened.”
Nobody made eye contact except Zane, and he had this funny look on his face like I should know exactly what the fight was about.
Demetri coughed.
Zane’s eyebrows shot up in encouragement.
Finally, Linc threw up his hands. “It was about you.”
“Me?” I frowned, “Did I do something wrong? Again?” I laid back against the sand and leaned up on my elbows. “Because I’ve been on time.”
“And you’ve been kicking ass.” Linc winked, “Nah, sis, not about the movie, I mean well, sort of, you know what, maybe you should ask Jay?”
Zane sighed loudly and gave a look to each one of the guys before he said, “You know he’s been my agent since he quit music, right?”
I swallowed, my throat getting drier by the second. “Yes.”
Zane flicked some sand away from his ripped jeans. “So, basically he was a wreck, totally focused on work. Not the guy I remembered, the guy I used to tour with. God, I worshipped him. It’s why I signed with him, he was like… larger than life.”
Alec smiled at Zane sadly. “Remember when the lights went out in Madison Square Garden? And he asked everyone to turn on their cell phones? He created a spotlight and kept singing. The entire place was so silent it was… eerie. They hung on his every word.”
“Lighthouse.” I said. “He was singing Lighthouse.”
And then Demetri started singing.
My mouth dropped open in shock.
Alec tapped against his legs like he was playing drums, and then Zane joined in, and Linc just grinned at me.
“Come on, Ang, sing with us.” Zane elbowed me.
I bit down on my lip, suddenly nervous. I’d only ever sung for Will. The fact that Zane knew that only told me that these guys… these guys knew his secrets, they knew things about us, and in their own way…
They were trying to help.
“I haven’t sung since…” Well, I’d sung the other night with Will, but before then, it had been years.
“Nobody’s here.” Zane shrugged. “One hour lunch.”
And then he started in on the next verse, a slow melody of rhythm followed the way he and the other guys harmonized perfectly. No wonder they were in charge of the music.
“Light me on fire…” I closed my eyes and kept singing. “How can I spend any amount of time without your light?” I bobbed my head as Linc took out his phone. “It makes me think of lonely nights, when you’re not leading the way, but I should have begged you harder to stay.”
Alec crooned. “Be my lighthouse — lead the way — wherever your light shines, I’ll forever stay.”
“You spread your wings across the sky,” I lifted my arms up, “And said you’d catch me since I can’t fly. Let me go.”
“Never.” Demetri added. “Because you light me on fire…”
The guys suddenly stopped singing.
All eyes fell behind me.
Zane looked guilty.
I felt guilty even though I didn’t know what I had done wrong.
Hair stood on the back of my arms as someone sat behind me and said, “You guys forgot the last verse.”
“It’s yours,” I croaked heart racing.
And for the first time since we’d broken up, I heard perfection, also known as Will Sutherland’s voice, the Sutherland Sunset, the voice that had once set a million teenage hearts on fire.
“I’ll let you go, if I can go too, I’ll let you fly if I can carry you.” I shuddered as his voice wrapped around me, as Zane harmonized with him. “I always wanted the fire in your eyes, promise me it will never die, forever you said, forever we stay, forever will always lead the way.”
The guys ended with the chorus.
And a stunned silence fell over the group.
“That’s it.” Zane tilted his head. “The theme song to the movie, why not?”
Will went immobile behind me, I was afraid he wasn’t even breathing. “I don’t know if Jay’s going to want to go for that.”
“He said yes.” Linc grinned. “I just sent him the video. Oh, and Will, he says if you ever threaten to kick his ass again he’s going to knock your pretty—”
“—my pretty capped teeth out. Yeah, got it” Will finished with a rasp. “And I don’t have capped teeth.”
“It would be okay if you do.” Demetri patted him on the arm. “I mean I’m not even sure Alec has a real
penis at this point.”
Alec didn’t even flinch just said, “At least mine works.”
Demetri burst out laughing, but I was frozen in place. Will was almost behind me, I wasn’t exactly sitting between his legs, but it was close.
I tried not to feel so awkward, but I could barely move, barely breathe.
And then the awkwardness got worse when every guy straightened as Jay walked up to the group and announced that our break was over since the rain had stopped, and he wanted me and Will to do our scene.
I was okay with a scene.
But I wasn’t okay with the fact that he thrust a script in my face as well as Will’s and said, “I think you’ll be happy with the re-write. After all, you’re professionals, right, Will?”
I WAS SURROUNDED by clothes, costumes, makeup, and basically another version of Hell and yet I couldn’t wipe the grin from my face.
She’d always had a beautiful voice, angelic, and it always pissed me off that she never shared it with the world, that acting was more important when she could have made a killing on Broadway. The only song she ever agreed to sing was Lighthouse the one song that when I recorded it for my own solo release…
She had been too busy getting high to lay down the tracks.
It had become a thing.
The tardiness.
Losing weight.
Losing interest.
Losing the light behind her eyes.
And I hated that she refused help as if nothing was wrong with what she was doing.
And I still didn’t know why.
I knew there was pain there, I knew there was misery, but why self-destruct? Why not let the people you love help you?