“He didn’t tell you? I can’t stay for the funeral.”
“Why?”
“My flight leaves at nine in the morning. My sister is getting married tomorrow night. I know…a Friday night wedding, right? I guess having it on a weeknight cut the cost of the venue in half. But it still sucks for the rest of us who have to work or have lives. I’m her maid of honor. The timing couldn’t be worse.”
She was leaving.
“When is Elec going back?”
“His flight is Saturday night.”
“Oh.”
She crossed her legs and took a bite of the scone. “Was he always this complex? I mean, when he was younger?”
“From the brief time I knew him, I would say so…yes. His writing books is a good example of that.”
She tilted her head. “His writing…books?”
She didn’t know?
“Oh…uh…just something he toyed around with. I shouldn’t have brought it up. It’s irrelevant.”
“Wow, I need to ask him about that. I can’t believe I didn’t know he liked to write. Books about what?”
How could he not have told her?
I started to panic. “Just fiction. Don’t say I told you.” I shook my head, urging her to drop it. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
His voice was cold. “No. You shouldn’t have.”
We both turned at the same time to find Elec standing in front of us.
Shit.
The icy stare he gave me was all the indictor I needed that I’d made a big mistake. But it was too late. Now, he was the one that had to do damage control.
Chelsea patted the seat next to her. “Come here, baby. Why would you not tell me you used to write? That’s so cool.”
“It’s not really a big deal. It was just a hobby I had when I was a teenager.”
It wasn’t a hobby; it was a passion.
Why aren’t you writing anymore?
“I can’t believe you never told me,” she said.
He brushed it off. “Well, now you know.”
I was waiting for him to look at me so that I could at least mouth a silent apology, but he never gave me the opportunity.
Clara walked into the room. “Elec, can I get you anything?” she asked.
“Something strong.”
“You got it.”
She returned with three shot glasses filled with some kind of amber-colored liquor. Elec downed the first two immediately.
Chelsea whispered to me. “See? Promise you’ll keep an eye on him for me, okay?”
Elec slammed the last shot glass down after finishing its contents. “She doesn’t need to keep an eye on me,” he spewed.
“You know how badly I feel about leaving you alone.”
“You shouldn’t. I’ll be fine. I’ll be home before you wake up on Sunday morning.”
He’d be gone again before I knew it.
She leaned her head on his shoulder. Elec had changed into jeans, and his feet were bare. That triggered a flashback to the night he initially opened up to me in my bedroom when I noticed for the first time how beautiful his feet were bare. I willed the thought away because when Chelsea had asked me to keep an eye on him, I hardly think she meant ogling him.
My mother walked into the living room. “Honey, I think I need to get home and rest up for tomorrow.”
“Okay, we’ll get going.” I couldn’t get off that couch fast enough.
Chelsea stood up. “Greta, I won’t see you again. I can’t tell you how good it was to meet you. I hope we’ll meet again.”
“Likewise.” I lied.
As I hugged her, I looked behind her shoulder at Elec and mouthed, “I’m sorry,” hoping he’d forgive me for letting the cat out of the bag about his writing. He just looked at me with an unreadable expression. While I couldn’t understand why he never mentioned it to her if they were so serious, that didn’t matter. I’d once again overstepped my boundaries when it came to him. Despite whatever that was between us downstairs at the funeral home, I had no real place in his life anymore. I made a vow then and there to keep my distance from him tomorrow unless he sought me out.
He doesn’t need me. He has her. That would be my mantra.
She hugged my mother. “Sarah, please accept my sincerest condolences again. I’m so sorry that I have to be in California for my sister’s wedding tomorrow.”
“Thank you,” my mother said. I could tell she was exhausted.
Chelsea whispered into my ear. “Thank you for letting me vent about that stuff earlier, too.”
“Anytime.”
Thank you for traumatizing me.
In another life, this girl could have been my best friend. I could just tell she was the kind of person you could call at any hour of the night to vent about all your problems. She was that nice, and I was that evil for the amount of relief I’d felt knowing that she’d be leaving on a jet plane tomorrow morning.
Now, the only hurdle would be getting through the next twenty-four hours. Then, Elec would be on a plane, too and out of my life again.
Right?
It didn’t quite turn out to be that simple.
CHAPTER 14
It was a beautiful day despite the somber mood. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and I’d actually managed to sleep. But this wasn’t your ordinary beautiful spring morning in Boston. Today, my mother would have to bury a husband for the second time in her life, and Elec would have to bury his father.
I hadn’t realized until Chelsea told me she was leaving last night how much anxiety her presence had caused. Even though I’d have to face Elec again, today didn’t feel half as horrible as yesterday.
When I walked into my mother’s room, she was sitting on the bed holding a picture of Randy and her on their wedding day. She had been wearing a simple white suit for their ceremony at Boston City Hall. They seemed really happy together back then.
“He had a lot of demons, but he loved me,” she said. “That was probably the only thing I was certain of when it came to him.”
I wrapped my arm around her and took the picture frame from her grasp. “I remember that day like it was yesterday.”
“This marriage…it was like a fresh start for him, but he was never able to resolve his past or his anger over it. He never opened up to me about it, and I never pushed it.”
Sounds familiar.
She continued, “I didn’t really want to know everything, I guess. After the pain of losing your father, I just wanted something easy. It was a bit selfish of me.” She started to cry. “I’d been prying lately, and it caused a lot of tension. I felt ashamed for never getting involved in the situation with Elec. I was living in a bubble.”
“Well, neither of them made it easy to figure out how to help,” I said.
She wiped her eyes and looked at me. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
“Me? Go through what?”
“Seeing Elec with her…with Chelsea.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know, Greta.”
“What do you think you know?”
“I know what happened between you and him the night before he left for California.”
I put the picture I’d been holding down on the bed to prevent it from accidentally smashing to the ground in the midst of my shock. “What?”
“I’d gotten up early that day. Elec didn’t know I saw him leaving your room to go back to his. Then, later that afternoon, after I came home from running errands, I went to check on you, but you had gone to the store. I found a condom wrapper in your room, and there was a little blood on your sheets. The week after he left, you were so depressed. I wanted to tell you I knew. I wanted to be there for you but didn’t want to embarrass you or get anyone in trouble with Randy. He would have blown a gasket. I kept telling myself that you were eighteen, and if you wanted me to know, you would have told me.”
“Wow. I just can’t believe you knew all this time.”
“H
e was your first…”
“Yes.”
She held my hand. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
“It’s okay. Like you said, it was better that you kept it quiet.”
“Was it…just sex…or was it more?”
“It was a lot more to me. I think he felt the same way at the time. But that doesn’t matter now.”
“He seems pretty settled with that girl.”
“Yeah. They live together.”
“He’s not married, though.”
I squinted my eyes. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Just that if there’s anything left unsaid between the two of you, this might be your last opportunity to get it out in the open. With Randy gone, we’ll likely never see Elec again after today.”
Even though I knew that was the case, it really hit home when she said it.
“Thanks for the advice, but I’m pretty sure that ship has sailed.”
A tear fell down my cheek despite my attempt to seem unaffected.
“Clearly, for you it hasn’t.”
***
I could smell that he was right behind me. Even before that, my body could feel him there. The windows in the church were open, and a brisk wind blew the scent of cologne and clove cigarettes right into me. It was strangely comforting. The only other scent was the burning of candles that surrounded the altar and the occasional whiff of the lilies that had been transported here from the funeral home.
My mother and I were sitting in the front pew. I turned around to find Elec sitting next to Greg and Clara. They had arrived just a few minutes after us. Dressed in a fitted black satiny button-down shirt with no tie, he was looking down. Either he didn’t catch me watching him for those few seconds, or he pretended not to notice.
There weren’t half as many people here as there were at the wake. It was quiet except for the distant sounds of traffic and the echo of shoes as people walked down the long aisle to their seats.
An organist started playing On Eagle’s Wings, and the music prompted my mother’s tears to flow heavier.
The priest said the eulogy, which was generic and impersonal. When he referred to Randy as a “loving father,” every muscle in my body tightened. Technically, if Randy and Elec had a normal relationship, his son might have gotten up to speak. I couldn’t imagine what Elec would actually say in reality if he had the opportunity. Instead, he was quiet the entire service. He wasn’t crying. He wasn’t looking up. He was just…there, which I suppose was better than not showing up at all. I had to give him credit for that.
The service went by quickly and at the end, the priest gave out the address of the cemetery and announced that the family would like to invite everyone for a meal at a local restaurant following the burial.
I watched as Elec, Greg and a few other men who were Randy’s friends served as pallbearers and carried the coffin out of the church. Elec continued to show no emotion.
My mother opted not to use a limo, so we drove together in my rental car and followed the hearse. Greg, Clara and Elec were in the car behind us.
When we got to the graveyard, we gathered around the massive dirt hole that had been dug into the ground right in front of a granite headstone with O’Rourke carved into the front. The question of whether my mother would be buried in this same plot or with my father crossed my mind.
Elec emerged from the car and walked over to where I had been standing and looking down into the ditch. He was staring down into it just as I was. When he turned to me, the look in his eyes was one of panic.
It’s funny how fast you can set aside your pride when you truly sense that someone you care about needs help. I reached out for his hand. He didn’t resist.
“I can’t do this,” he said.
“What?”
“What if they want me to help lower the casket into the ground? I can’t do it.”
“It’s okay, Elec. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I don’t think that’s something they expect you to do anyway.”
He was just nodding and blinking but not saying anything. He swallowed anxiously. Then, he let go of my hand, turned around and weaved through the people who were starting to arrive. He kept walking down the road farther and farther away from the burial site.
Without thinking it through, I jogged in my heels to catch up with him.
“Elec…wait!”
When he stopped, his breathing was heavier than mine even though I’d been running. If I thought he was having a breakdown last night at the funeral home, I was wrong. I was pretty sure this was the moment where he was actually coming undone.
“There’s just something about this part of it all that makes it final for me. I can’t watch them putting him in the ground, let alone having a hand in it.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to.”
“I don’t think he’d even want me here, Greta. Either way, I can’t witness it.”
“Elec, that’s a perfectly normal reaction. We don’t need to go back. I’ll stay here with you.”
He just kept shaking his head no and stared out away from me. He was deep in thought.
A black crow landed near us, and I wondered what that symbolized.
After several seconds of silence, he started to talk. “It was during one of our worst fights, probably about a year before I met you. Randy had said he’d rather be dead and buried than to have to live to see what a fuck up I’d turn out to be.” He looked down at his shoes and shook his head repeatedly. “I said something back to him along the lines of, ‘well, then, I’ll be smiling the entire time they’re lowering you into the ground.’” He let out a deep breath as if he were holding it the entire time he’d been speaking.
I was starting to cry. “Elec…”
He spoke in a whisper looking up at the sky and said, “I didn’t mean it.” You could barely hear him, and I realized that was because he was talking to Randy in that moment.
He looked at me with his hand on his chest. “I need to get out of here. I can’t be here. I’m losing it. I feel like I can’t breathe.”
He suddenly started walking fast, and I followed him.
“Okay. Where? Where do you want to go? The airport?”
“No…no. You have your car, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Just get me the fuck out of here.”
I nodded my head as he followed me down the gravel road to the parking area. A crowd was still gathered around Randy’s grave several feet away. I fumbled with my keys, unlocked the car and Elec got in, slamming the door.
I immediately started the engine and pulled out of the lot, heading toward the exit.
“Where do you want to go?”
“Wherever the fuck the polar opposite of this nightmare is. Just drive for a while.”
Elec was leaning his head back on the seat rest with his eyes closed. His chest was rising and falling as he loosened the top three buttons of his shirt. When we hit a red light, I sent a text to my mother.
Everything is fine. Elec had something like a panic attack and I’m driving him around. Make sure Greg gives you a ride to the restaurant and let him know Elec is with me. Not sure if we’ll miss the meal.
I didn’t expect her to respond since the service was still going on but hoped she’d check her phone once she noticed we were gone.
He grunted. “Fuck.”
“What?”
“My cigarettes are in Greg’s car. I really need one.”
“We can stop and get some.”
He held up his hand. “No. Don’t stop. Just drive.”
So, that’s what I did. For two hours straight, I drove on the highway. It was the middle of the day, so traffic was light. Elec was quiet the entire time, mostly looking out the window.
I had to stop at some point; otherwise, we’d be heading out of state. Sure enough, fifteen minutes later, the Welcome to Connecticut sign greeted me. He’d told me to take him to the polar opposite of a graveyard, to make him forge
t. I suddenly had a brilliant idea and knew exactly where we could go.
“Just about another twenty minutes then we’re gonna stop somewhere, okay?”
He turned to me and spoke for the first time in hours. “Thank you.”
I wanted to reach for his hand but resisted. A few minutes later, it looked like he’d fallen asleep. I remembered Chelsea saying he hadn’t been getting any sleep since finding out Randy died.
My phone rang, and I picked it up.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Greta, we’ve been worried. The meal is over. Is everything okay?”
“Everything is fine. We’re still driving. We’re gonna stop soon. Don’t worry, okay? I’m sorry I had to leave you.”
“I’m alright. The worst is over. I’m with Greg and Clara for the night. Just take care of Elec. He shouldn’t be alone.”
“Okay. Thanks for understanding, Mom. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
We were approaching our destination, so I nudged Elec. “Wake up. We’re here.”
He rubbed his eyes and looked over at me as we continued down the long driveway.
“Are you taking me to visit the magical Wizard of Oz?”
He was right. The approach to the building kind of reminded me of the yellow brick road with the massive castle at the end.
“No, silly. It’s a casino.”
“We escaped from a funeral so that you could take me gambling? What the fuck?”
When I turned to look at his face, I expected to see a confused expression, but instead, he was giving me that rare genuine smile that I’d only seen a few times—the one that told me he was just messing with me. It was the same look that always made my heart flutter.
Then, he started laughing hysterically into his hands. I think he was delirious.
“You think it’s distasteful?”
He wiped his eyes. “No, I think it’s fucking brilliant!”
When I pulled into a parking spot, he was still laughing.
“Well, you told me to take you to the polar opposite of a graveyard, Elec.”
“Yeah, I was thinking maybe a Zen Japanese restaurant or I don’t know…a beach?”
“You want to leave?”
“Hell no. I would have never thought of it myself, but shit, if there’s one place where you can drown your sorrows, this would be it.” He gazed out the window then turned to me with a look that gave me chills. “So, help me drown my sorrows, Greta.”