The desire in eyes was blatant. I breathed in to catch each heavy breath that escaped his lips. If I couldn’t kiss him, I wanted to at least taste every breath.
Then, he touched his forehead to mine.
It was a simple and seemingly innocent gesture, but couple that moment with the climactic part of the song, and that was it for me.
To save myself from falling further into this, I intentionally replayed his words to Chelsea in my head. “I love you, too.”
This. Was. My. Breaking. Point.
I ripped myself away from him and ran off of the dance floor.
I could hear him calling after me. “Greta, wait!”
Tears were pouring down my face as I weaved through the heat of the club, bumping into sweaty drunk people as I tried to find the exit. Someone’s drink spilled on me in the process. I didn’t care. I just needed to get out of there.
He’d lost me through the crowd.
Having escaped the darkness of the club, the lights of the casino lobby were a welcome contrast.
I ran to the elevators and pressed the up button, hoping to get to my room as fast as possible. The doors started to close right before I saw a tattooed arm slide inside, prompting them to open.
His breathing was erratic. The doors closed.
“What the fuck, Greta? Why did you run from me like that?”
“I just need to go back to my room.”
“Not like this.”
He pressed the stop button, causing the elevator to come to a jolting halt.
“What are you doing?”
“This isn’t how I wanted our night to end. I crossed a line. I know that. I got lost in the moment with you, and I’m so fucking sorry. But it wasn’t going to go any further because I won’t cheat on Chelsea. I couldn’t do that to her.”
“I’m not as strong as you are, then. You can’t dance with me like that, look at me like that, touch me like that if we can’t do anything about it. And for the record, I wouldn’t want you to cheat on her!”
“What do you want?”
“I don’t want you to say one thing and act in a way that contradicts it. We don’t have much time left together. I want you to talk to me. That night at the wake…you wrapped your hand around my neck. It felt like for a moment you were back in that place where we left off. That’s sort of how I feel around you all of the time. Then, later that night, Chelsea told me what happened after you got home.”
He squinted. “Exactly what did she tell you?”
“Were you thinking about me? Is that why you couldn’t perform that night?”
Understandably, he looked shocked that I knew. I still didn’t understand why Chelsea shared that with me.
Because she trusted me, and she shouldn’t have.
I regretted saying anything, but it was too late.
He stayed silent, glaring at me, but he looked like he wanted to say something.
“I want you to tell me the truth,” I said.
The look on his face turned angry, like he’d lost some battle of self-control within himself. “You want the truth? I was fucking my girlfriend and could see nothing but you. That’s the truth.” He took a few steps toward me, and I stepped backwards as he continued, “I got into the shower that night, and the only way I could finish the job was to imagine coming all over your beautiful neck. That’s the truth.”
I leaned against the elevator wall as he locked his arms on each side of me and continued, “You want more? I was going to ask her to marry me tonight at her sister’s wedding. I was supposed to be engaged right at this very moment, but instead, I’m in an elevator fighting the urge to back you up against this wall and fuck you so hard that I’ll have to carry you back to your room.”
My heart was beating out of control, and it was unclear which part of what he’d just said shocked me more.
He dropped his arms and lowered his voice. “Everything I thought I knew has been turned upside down in the past forty-eight hours. I’m questioning everything, and I don’t fucking know what to do. That’s. The. Truth.”
He released the stop button, and the elevator continued rising up to our floor—the 22nd floor.
He was going to ask her to marry him.
It was still sinking in. What a rude awakening as to exactly how far out of my league I’d been all of this time.
The elevator doors slid open, and as we walked down the hall, I simply said, “I don’t want to talk anymore. I need to be alone.”
He didn’t protest as I retreated to my room without saying anything further. It saddened me that our night had been cut short, but it finally became crystal clear that any more time spent with him would be dangerous. He was leaving on a plane tomorrow, and there simply wasn’t enough time to resolve all of these feelings.
Since I hadn’t bought any pajamas, I wrapped myself in a sheet and lay down. Devastated from the proposal bombshell he’d dropped and still painfully aroused by what he’d said to me after, I knew that sleep was not in my future tonight.
A half-hour passed. It felt like déjà vu as the red digital numbers of the alarm clock taunted me.
My text alert sounded at 2 A.M.
If I knock on your door tonight, don’t let me in.
CHAPTER 17
He was trying to do the right thing, and I respected the hell out of him for it. As powerful as temptation could be, I meant it when I told him I would never want him to cheat on her. At the same time, if I hadn’t gone to my room, I’m not sure that we could have avoided something happening. Tonight proved that whatever connection existed in the past between us was very much still alive and powerful. That was why it was best that we spent the rest of the night apart.
I was tossing and turning, still conflicted about leaving him alone. Even though what happened in the elevator had tainted the rest of the night, I needed to remind myself how this day started; he was still mourning his father. He really shouldn’t have been by himself tonight. Not to mention, we were wasting precious time because once he returned to California, I’d probably never see or hear from him again.
He was going to marry her.
Rustling in my sheets, I couldn’t take the insomnia anymore. The fact that the room was freezing didn’t help. I got up to shut off the air conditioner and grabbed my phone before returning to the bed.
Are you awake?
Elec: I was just about to order this amazing juicer. If I order right now, they’ll even throw in a bonus mini chopper all for just 19.99.
Greta: Can we talk? On the phone?
Not even three seconds went by before my phone rang.
“Hi.”
He whispered, “Hi.”
“I’m sorry,” we both said in unison.
“Jinx,” he said.
“You go first,” I said.
“I’m sorry for what I said to you in the elevator. I lost control.”
“You were being honest.”
“That doesn’t make it right. I’m sorry for the way it came out. You bring out the worst in me.”
“I’m touched.”
“Fuck. That came out wrong.”
I laughed. “I think I know what you’re trying to say.”
“Thank God you could always read between the lines with me.”
“How about we not rehash anything that was said in that elevator. I just want to talk.”
I could hear him moving around in the bed. He was probably gearing up for whatever conversation we were about to have.
He let out a deep breath into the phone. “Okay. What do you want to talk about?”
“I have some questions. I don’t know if this is my last opportunity to ask them.”
“Alright.”
“Did you stop writing?”
“No. I didn’t.”
“How come you didn’t tell Chelsea that you write?”
“Because from the time that I met her, I’ve only been working on one project, and it’s not something I really feel like I can share with her.”
“What is it?”
“It’s autobiographical.”
“You’ve been writing your life story?”
“Yeah.” He sighed. “Yeah, I have.”
“Does anyone know?”
“No. Just you.”
“Is it therapeutic?”
“Sometimes. Other times, it’s hard to relive certain things that happened, but it just felt like I needed to do it.”
“If she doesn’t know about it, when do you write?”
“Late at night when she’s asleep.”
“Are you gonna tell her?”
“I don’t know. There are things in there that would upset her.”
“Like what do you—”
“My turn to ask a question,” he interrupted.
“Okay.”
“What happened with the guy you were engaged to?”
“How did you know I was engaged anyway?”
“Answer me first.”
“His name was Tim. We lived together for a little while in New York. He was a good person, and I wanted to love him, but I didn’t. The fact that I wouldn’t consider moving to Europe for him when his job transferred him there proved that. Really, there’s not much more to it than that. Now, will you tell me how you knew?”
“Randy told me.”
“I thought you were estranged.”
“We still spoke from time to time. I asked him about you once, and he gave me the news. I assumed that meant you were happy.”
“I wasn’t.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Did you have any other girlfriends besides Chelsea?”
“Chelsea’s my first serious relationship. I screwed around a lot before that.”
“I see.”
“I didn’t mean…you. You weren’t part of the screwing around. What happened with us was different.”
“I know what you meant.” After a block of silence, I said, “I want you to be happy, Elec. If she makes you happy, I’m happy for you. You told me she was the best thing that ever happened to you. That’s great.”
“I didn’t say that,” he said curtly.
“Yes, you did.”
“I said she was one of the best things. So were you. Just in another time.”
Another time—a time that’s passed.
You get the picture now, Greta?
“Thank you,” I said.
“Don’t thank me. I took your fucking virginity and left. I don’t deserve your thanks.”
“You did what you felt you had to do.”
“It was still wrong. It was selfish.”
“I still wouldn’t change anything about that night if that makes you feel better.”
He let out a deep sigh. “You seriously mean that?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t regret one thing that happened that night either, only what happened after.”
I closed my eyes. We were both silent for a long time. I think the day had finally caught up with both of us physically.
“You still there?” I asked.
“I’m still here.”
I let those words sink in, knowing that tomorrow he wouldn’t be. I needed to get at least a couple hours of sleep before the two-hour drive back to Boston in the morning.
I needed to let him go.
Let him go.
“I’m going to try to get some sleep,” I said.
“Stay on the phone with me, Greta. Close your eyes. Try to sleep. Just stay on the phone.”
I pulled the comforter over myself.
“Elec?”
“Yeah…”
“You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I hope someday I can say you were one of the best, but for now, it’s only you.”
I closed my eyes.
***
Elec met me at the hotel registration desk where we both checked out.
We had each showered but were wearing the same clothes we’d worn to the club the night before. The scruff on his chin appeared to have grown out overnight and even though his eyes were weary, he still looked painfully hot in his club attire at 10 in the morning.
His words from last night rang out in my head. “I’m fighting the urge to back you up against this wall and fuck you so hard that I’ll have to carry you back to your room.”
We stopped at the casino Starbucks, and as we were waiting for our coffees, I could feel him staring at me. I’d been intentionally trying not to look at him because I was sure he’d be able to see the sadness in my eyes.
We ended up taking our breakfast on the road. The ride home was eerily quiet. It was like the calm after the storm. The whirlwind of the previous day had given way to a numb and helpless feeling this morning.
Light rock played on the radio station as I kept my eyes on the road. What felt like the weight of a million unsaid words loomed over us as we remained silent.
He said one thing the entire ride. “Will you drive me to the airport?”
“Sure,” I said without looking at him.
Clara was originally going to drive him, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about the change of plans, which would prolong the agony.
We pulled into Greg and Clara’s. Elec ran in to gather his belongings while I waited in the car. Since we had a little extra time, the plan was to go to my mother’s house and check on her before we headed to the airport.
He’d left his phone on the seat and a text came through. The screen was lit, and I couldn’t help peeking down at it. It was from Chelsea.
I’m going to wait up. I can’t wait until you’re home. Have a safe flight. Love you.
I regretted looking at it because it solidified that this was really the end.
Before I could wallow in self-pity, Elec approached carrying a large black travel bag. He got in, looked down at his phone and sent a quick text as I put the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway.
Mom wasn’t home when we got to the house. When I texted her, she said she’d gone for a walk.
It certainly wasn’t my intention to find myself alone with Elec in the house that held all of our memories together.
He leaned against the counter. “Hey, you got any of your ice cream lying around? I’ve been jonesing it for seven years.”
I’ve been jonesing you for seven years.
“You might just be in luck,” I said, opening the freezer.
Ironically, thinking I was going to need it, I’d made a batch with my old ice cream maker the night before the funeral and put it in the freezer. Of course, I never came home to have it.
I scooped it out into one bowl and took two spoons out of the drawer. We always shared the bowl and for old times’ sake, I kept to that tradition.
“You put extra snickers in it.”
I smiled. “I did.”
He closed his eyes and moaned upon taking the first bite. “There is nothing better than your fucking ass cream. I’ve missed it.”
I’ve missed this.
Being in this kitchen and sharing the ice cream with him made it really feel like yesterday more than any other moment up until now. I wished we could go back to that time for just one more day. He’d be right upstairs and not heading home to her. We’d play our video game. It was so simple then.
Then, memories of the night he made love to me started to flash through my mind at a tremendous pace. Not so simple. His leaving was starting to really hit me all of a sudden. The silence wasn’t working for me anymore, and I tried to make light conversation to mask my melancholy.
“What did Greg and Clara have to say?”
“They were asking where we went. I told them.”
“Did they think it was bizarre?”
“I could tell Greg was a little concerned.”
“Why would he be concerned?”
He pulled the spoon slowly from his mouth and looked down in hesitation. “He knows.”
“Knows what?”
“About us.”
I put my spoon down and wi
ped the corners of my mouth. “How?”
“I confided in him a few years back. I knew he wouldn’t tell Randy.”
“Why would you tell him?”
“Because I felt like I needed to talk about it. I didn’t have anyone else I could trust.”
“It’s just…you told me not to tell anyone, and I didn’t for a long time until I finally told Victoria years later.”
“Greg is the only person I told.”
“I just didn’t think—”
He raised the tone of his voice. “You didn’t think what happened between us affected me in the same way it affected you. I know. Because I led you to believe that.”
“I guess it doesn’t matter anymore,” I said under my breath so low that I didn’t think he heard me.
Elec scowled as he took the empty bowl to the sink, washed it and put it in the strainer.
He looked back at me. “You’ll always matter to me, Greta. Always.”
I just nodded, refusing to shed a tear but feeling completely broken inside. This was different from the last time we said goodbye. Back then, even though I was an emotional wreck, I was young and suspected that my feelings might have been infatuation and that I would grow out of it.
Unfortunately, this time with the advantage of experience and hindsight, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was hopelessly in love with him.
***
The drive to Logan Airport seemed like it only took a few minutes. A pink hue lit up the sky, appropriate symbolism for sending Elec off into the sunset. Unprepared for how to say goodbye, I opted not to say anything at all during the ride, and neither did he.
As we exited the car at the curb just outside the entrance to his terminal, the wind was powerful amidst the deafening sound of jets taking off.
Clutching my own arms protectively, I stood across from him. I didn’t know what to say or do and couldn’t even look him in the eye. Now was not the time to completely freeze up, but that was exactly what was happening to me.
I looked up at the sky, down at the ground, over at the luggage handlers…anywhere but at Elec. I knew as soon as I looked into his eyes, I would lose it.
His tone was gruff. “Look at me.”