Chapter Eight
It had hit her like a blow to her stomach after Mr. Vallentyn had asked whether she was enjoying her time in town. Tatiana took a closer look at her sister. "How did you know?"
Trina shrugged. "Something happened while we were at the park. I could feel you. It was odd, actually. At first you were very happy walking with Mr. Vallentyn, and then very quickly you became upset and then angry. I looked to see what happened, and saw Mr. Vallentyn watching you as if waiting for an answer to a question."
"Yes. He asked me how I was liking my stay here."
"And that made you upset? Are you not enjoying yourself, my dear?" her grandmother asked, concern laced in her words.
"Oh, yes, Grandmama! I am enjoying myself immensely. It's just..." Tatiana didn't quite know how to answer.
"It has something to do with Mr. Vallentyn," Trina answered, clearly trying to figure out what was going through Tatiana's mind.
It was so odd, thought Tatiana. She had never realized her sister could be so empathetic before. How could she have not noticed?
"When he asked me that," Tatiana explained, "at first I thought about how much fun I've had— at the ball after I met Mr. Vallentyn, shopping, visiting, even at the soiree last night, ma'am. Your insightful comments about everyone there was great fun!"
"But..." Trina supplied.
"But it's Mr. Vallentyn's presence I've enjoyed the most," she said, trying hard to keep the distress from her voice.
Their grandmother sighed loudly. Her eyes flicked to Trina before settling back on Tatiana. "You are attracted to Mr. Vallentyn." It was a statement, not a question.
"I suppose I am," Tatiana admitted, allowing her gaze to fall to her hands clasped tightly in her lap. "But I will not be given a choice or even allowed to suggest candidates for my hand as far as I know. It will all be up to my mother to choose for me. For the first time in my life I..." she swallowed hard and then continued in a whisper, "I almost wish I hadn't been born to this destiny."
Silence held the room in its grip for a good minute.
"But there is nothing I can do," Tatiana said finally, taking control of herself and mentally pressing her back against the wall of duty in her mind. She shoved her silly dreams firmly behind it.
"My destiny is my own, and I shall do my duty as I always have." She paused to distance herself from her emotions. "And so should you, Trina. You need to decide which man you want to marry. I know there are a number vying for your hand, but you've got to make an effort to choose one."
Trina looked for a moment as if she would cry. Tatiana wondered whether it was on her behalf or because she'd scolded her sister. It didn't matter. They would both do their duty. She would think no more of Mr. Vallentyn. There could be nothing worse than pining for someone you could never have.
Trina gave a sniff but pulled herself together. "Yes. You're right. I..." she cleared her throat. "I will do my best to discover which of my suitors I like best."
Tatiana turned this way and that, studying her reflection in the mirror. Her looks weren't that bad. She was just... thinner. Her dress hung rather limply on her frame, but her eyes still held their own sparkle. At least she knew she still hid behind this reflection that was her, yet not really her.
A knock on the door made her jump. "Yes?" she called out.
Her grandmother closed the door behind her. "Tatiana, I believe we need to have a word."
Confusion dampened the fire in Tatiana's eye before she turned to face her grandmother. "Yes, ma'am?"
"I am certain that you are well aware of what your role here is meant to be, but I'm worried that you might get caught up in the excitement of your sister's come-out." Well, it was clear where Tatiana got her straight-forward way of speaking!
Nodding her head, Tatiana said, "It is quite exciting, ma'am, but I assure you I am not about to forget myself or why I am here. Have I not done all that I could to help my sister so far?"
"Indeed you have, and you are. I appreciate that, and I'm certain your parents will as well. However..." she paused to give Tatiana a meaningful look. "I am still concerned."
"You need not..."
"There is the matter of Mr. Vallentyn, Tatiana," her grandmother interrupted.
Tatiana swallowed hard. She should have known this would come up. "I am trying my best to not think of him. And I will avoid him if I can." Why did this hurt so much? It should not be painful to merely avoid a man, and yet...
"I promised your mother that you would not have your head turned by any gentlemen," her grandmother reminded her.
"I know, ma'am."
"You promised her the same."
"Yes."
"And yet..." Lady Ashurst's frown became fiercer by the minute. Tatiana didn't know if her grandmother was leading up to something more serious—a punishment? Some sort of magical impediment? Tatiana had no idea what was going through her grandmother's mind, the old woman had shuttered it against intrusion.
"I swear, Grandmother, I will not allow Mr. Vallentyn to turn my head any further. I'm just not certain I know what to do. If he speaks to me, politeness dictates that I respond.”
Her grandmother frowned. "Naturally, if he speaks to you, you must respond, but try not to prolong the engagement. Be firm and polite and move on."
"Yes, ma'am. I will keep my promise."
Lady Ashurst nodded, satisfied. "I will trust you as your mother has done so. Just be mindful..."
"I am. And I will be. I am here to support Trina and nothing else."
Her grandmother was right. It wasn't pleasant. It wasn't what she wanted. But it was what she'd agreed upon when her mother had finally relented and allowed her to accompany Trina to London. She would try harder to avoid Mr. Vallentyn.
If only her eyes would stop stinging and her stomach would unknot.