In a second the Wilson swimmers were there shaking our hands. Charlie Knows-His-Guns pulled Nortie down off the block and said, “I don’t know, little man, we were awful damn fast.”
Nortie laughed, tears streaming down his face, and said, “We could have. Awful close.”
Swimmers from the other teams moved toward us now, and the danger of losing our hardware and points obviously passed. There would be no protest. No one there was willing to take anything from us.
So there it is. Wouldn’t it be nice to make sense of it, get some idea of what it all means?
The remainder of the year stretches before me like an infinite anticlimax, though I’m sure, as spring opens up and we get out the boat and skis, and as scholarship offers roll in, demanding my immediate attention, I’ll feel less empty.
But Jeff is still the same, and we’ll have to go on carrying the uncertainty of his status with us. God, sometimes in my most selfish moments I want it to just be over with; want Jeff to go to sleep one night, dreaming of himself and Colleen whole and strong, with a life and everything, and not wake up. But I never wish it really, because I can’t even comprehend what it’s going to be like when he’s gone; how desperately I’ll miss him.
I think I expected something more out of my senior year, or at least something really different. I wanted to come out of it with more answers than questions; but for answers I got zip. For questions I have legions.
I think if I ever make it to adulthood, and if I decide to turn back and help someone grow up, either as a parent or a teacher or a coach, I’m going to spend most of my time dispelling myths, clearing up unreal expectations. For instance, we’re brought up to think that the good guys are rewarded and the bad guys are punished; but upon close scrutiny, that assumption vanishes into thin air. Nortie certainly never did anything to warrant the horror of his life, and Jeff sure isn’t one of the bad guys. Look what he gets to give up.
And who are the bad guys anyway? Are they guys like my brother who are so damaged and weak they prey on people when they’re down, or are they guys like O’Brian who are damaged and strong and prey on anybody who gets in their way? And what about guys like Nortie’s dad? Is it his fault that ten generations of men before him beat the hell out of their families, and he’s too mean and dumb to stop it?
And if a guy like Max Il Song can’t pull off a decent relationship with a woman, when his own daughter, who he loves so fiercely, is hanging in the balance, then who am I to think I can when my most powerful emotion in my current relationship is ambivalence? That is, next to lust.
All questions; no answers.
But I guess I have learned a few things. I’ve learned that asking “why” is more often than not a waste of time; that it’s much more important just to know what is so. It doesn’t matter why Elaine and I can’t be lovers, it only matters that we can’t. And it doesn’t matter why Jeff has to go; he just does.
I think my job in this life is to be an observer. I’m never going to be one of those guys out there on the tip of the arrow of my time, presenting new ideas or inventing ways to get more information on a smaller chip. But I think I’ll learn to see pretty well. I think I’ll know how things work—understand simple cause and effect—and, with any luck, be able to pass that on. And that’s not such a bad thing. I’ll be a Stotan observer: look for the ways to get from one to the other of those glorious moments when all the emotional stops are pulled, when you’re just so goddam glad to be breathing air—like when I was standing at the foot of lane nine at State with Nortie and Lion and Max, having won it all, or at least “awful close.” Yeah.
But first things first. Right now I’ve got to get dressed and go pick up Devnee. Gotta set her straight.
About the Author
CHRIS CRUTCHER is the critically acclaimed author of seven young adult novels and a collection of short stories, all of which were selected as ALA Best Books for Young Adults. Drawing on his experience as a family therapist and child protection specialist, Crutcher writes honestly about real issues facing teenagers today: making it through school, competing in sports, handling rejection and failure, and dealing with parents. The Horn Book said of his novels, “Writing with vitality and authority that stems from personal experience…Chris Crutcher gives readers the inside story on young men, sports, and growing up.”
Chris Crutcher has won two lifetime achievement awards for his work: the Margaret A. Edwards Award for Outstanding Literature for Young Adults, and the ALAN Award for a Significant Contribution to Adolescent Literature. He lives in Spokane, Washington.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.
ALSO BY CHRIS CRUTCHER
RUNNING LOOSE
THE CRAZY HORSE ELECTRIC GAME
CHINESE HANDCUFFS
ATHLETIC SHORTS: Six Short Stories
STAYING FAT FOR SARAH BYRNES
IRONMAN
WHALE TALK
Credits
Cover photograph © 2003 by Ali Smith
Cover design by Hilary Zarycky
Cover © 2003 by HarperCollins Publishers Inc.
Copyright
STOTAN!. Copyright © 1986 by Chris Crutcher. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Adobe Digital Edition August 2009 ISBN 978-0-06-196851-8
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
About the Publisher
Australia
HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.
25 Ryde Road (PO Box 321)
Pymble, NSW 2073, Australia
http://www.harpercollinsebooks.com.au
Canada
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
55 Avenue Road, Suite 2900
Toronto, ON, M5R, 3L2, Canada
http://www.harpercollinsebooks.ca
New Zealand
HarperCollinsPublishers (New Zealand) Limited
P.O. Box 1
Auckland, New Zealand
http://www.harpercollins.co.nz
United Kingdom
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
77-85 Fulham Palace Road
London, W6 8JB, UK
http://www.harpercollinsebooks.co.uk
United States
HarperCollins Publishers Inc.
10 East 53rd Street
New York, NY 10022
http://www.harpercollinsebooks.com
Chris Crutcher, Stotan!
Thank you for reading books on BookFrom.Net Share this book with friends