“Aw, man…” Mav didn’t know what to say, what to do. Of course, he hadn’t meant all the shit he’d told Enslow but how could he convince Duke of that? “Look,” he began, “I was just trying to—”
“Tryin’ to what? Deny everything we did the past few days? Forget you ever felt anything but friendship for me? Or did you even feel that?”
“Of course I did—I do,” Mav yelled, balling up his fists in frustration. “You’re my best friend, Duke. We just got…I don’t know, carried away a little in the past few days. But that’s no reason to scrap the whole friendship.”
“Oh, I get it. So you wanna just go back to the way things were before. We can be roommates and best buds and go on double dates with empty-headed bimbo cheerleaders and be completely hetero to the outside world,” Duke snarled.
“I didn’t say that—” Mav began.
“Yeah, best friends and that’s all,” Duke cut him off. “But what about at night when you’re cold and lonely—is it okay for me to come sleep in the same bed with you then? Or what about if you’re horny and want a handjob or a blowjob—you want me to take care of that too? I guess that’s okay as long as we don’t ever talk about it and none of the rest of the team finds out. As long as nobody suspects were gay. Is that it, Mav?”
“Duke, man, come on…”
“No!” Duke shook his head, his brown eyes suspiciously bright. “No, man, now that I know how you really feel I’ve got nothing else to say to you. I just…I can’t believe I ever thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. This whole time, the last four years, have been a complete waste. A total lie.”
He turned, his shoulders stiff with anger and tension, and walked away, leaving Mav to wonder what the hell had just happened and how his life had suddenly turned to shit.
Chapter Six
“Come on, Ethan, open up. I know he’s in there—I just want to talk to him.” Mav pounded on the door to the two gay Es’ apartment, demanding entry. It had been nearly a week since his fight with Duke and he hadn’t seen him since. Mav had gone to a local college bar to try and drown his sorrows after their confrontation and when he’d gotten back to his apartment in the wee hours of the morning his roommate had moved out lock, stock and barrel. The flat screen TV was gone, Duke’s clothes were missing and his bed stripped bare, even the hangers were gone from his closet. Mav had wandered the half-empty apartment that had been the scene of so many study sessions and parties and late-night cuddles in either his bed or Duke’s and felt like it was his heart Duke had cleaned out and left empty instead.
He’d heard through the grapevine that Duke had put his stuff in storage and was staying with the two gay Es, but he didn’t go over there immediately. Instead, he’d decided to give Duke time to cool off and come home on his own, which he surely would after he realized that this was all just a stupid misunderstanding.
It wasn’t like Mav didn’t care about him or want to be with him. And it wasn’t like they couldn’t fool around a little after the lights were down and nobody else was around. After all, where was the harm in a few blowjobs and handjobs? It was all no big deal, Mav had decided. But you couldn’t go around letting what you did after hours when it was dark and quiet and you’d had a little too much beer define the rest of your life.
Just because he liked the taste of Duke’s lips against him, liked the feel of Duke’s hand and mouth on his cock, didn’t make him gay. Not by a long shot. He just liked being close to his buddy. What he couldn’t understand was why Duke had to make such a big deal out of it. Why couldn’t they just keep being roommates and friends with a few fringe benefits? Why did they have to announce to the whole world that they liked sleeping in the same bed and occasionally sucking each other off?
All these thoughts had been running around in his head the entire week, making it nearly impossible to think of anything else. He’d done pretty poorly on most of his tests, making him glad he was already accepted to pharmacy school. If he hadn’t been, he would have been in deep shit considering what the final exam scores did to his GPA.
But now he was done thinking and done waiting for Duke to come around and come home. It was their last night on campus. All of his stuff was already bagged and tagged and loaded on a moving truck he would be driving to Tallahassee tomorrow. Mav couldn’t help thinking that there was plenty of room in the truck for more. If he and Duke hadn’t had their stupid fight, his roommate’s possessions could be there too, waiting for the trip to their new apartment and new life. Of course, he wasn’t sure how that new life would have gone with Duke insisting they should be out and proud instead of just keeping things under wraps, but he was sure they could have worked that out somehow. But now they weren’t working anything out. Instead he was going to be driving alone and looking for a place on his own instead of sharing the apartment Duke had picked out for them, wherever it was. He’d settle down and go to pharmacy school and probably marry some girl his mom would approve of and never see Duke again.
Only Mav wasn’t willing to do that. Not at least without seeing his former roommate and ex-best friend at least one more time. Tonight was the end-of-the-year party for the soccer team—the last end-of-the-year party he would ever attend and he didn’t want to be there without Duke. Didn’t want to leave without looking into Duke’s brown eyes once more and hearing his voice one last time. Just the thought of never seeing the man who had meant so much to him for the past four years tied Mav’s stomach in knots and brought a lump to his throat. He didn’t want things to end this way. Somewhere deep inside him a tiny voice whispered that he didn’t want things to end at all. That he wanted to take Duke with him to Tallahassee and live together as more than roommates, just as his friend had wanted. But that was a crazy idea and Mav knew it. He pushed the little voice to one side and concentrated on what was important—seeing Duke one more time and making things right between them before it was too late.
“Ethan!” he bellowed, pounding on the apartment door again. “Open up! I mean it, man.”
Finally the front door was unlatched, but it wasn’t Ethan’s chocolate brown complexion that greeted him but the tanned, blond visage of his partner, Evan. He was much less obvious about his sexuality than Ethan, without all the effeminate mannerisms, which made Mav a whole lot more comfortable around him. Most of the time he thought that Evan just seemed like a regular guy.
“Come on in, Mav,” he said mildly, stepping to one side. “Duke’s not here right now but you’re welcome to wait until he gets back.”
“And when will that be?” Mav asked, barging in angrily and throwing himself on the soft brown leather couch in the living room. He wondered if this was where Duke had been spending his nights and wished he dared to bend over and sniff the leather to see if he could pick up a trace of his friend’s spicy scent.
Evan shrugged. “Don’t know. I don’t have any idea where he went so you might be waiting a while.”
“That’s fine, I’m not moving ’til I see him,” Mav grumbled, sinking lower in the couch.
Evan grinned. “Well, seeing that you’re going to be here a while, how about something to dink? Beer, water with lemon or white wine?”
Mav sighed, disarmed by the other man’s good manners. “I’ll take the water, thanks.” He didn’t want to be in the least bit inebriated when he talked to Duke. He had things to say to the stupid sonofabitch and he wanted everything to come out perfectly.
Evan disappeared into the kitchen for a minute and came back with a cold glass filled with ice cubes and water with a twist of lemon on top. “Here you go. Looks like you could use it.”
“Thanks.” Mav took the glass and drained it in a few long swallows. Then he sighed and sank deeper into the couch. “That hit the spot. I was parched.”
“Yeah.” Evan settled onto a matching brown leather chair across from him. “Being miserable is thirsty work.”
“What do you mean? What makes you think I’m miserable?” Mav demanded.
“Wel
l just look at you.” Evan made a sweeping motion that indicated the way Mav was slouched despondently on the couch. “Anyone could tell. You don’t have to be a psych major to see that you’re hurting. Look, Maverick.” He shifted in the chair so he was facing Mav head-on. “I’ve been where you are. I know what you’re going through because I went through the same thing myself with my first boyfriend in high school.”
“What are you talking about?” Mav scowled. “What exactly do you think I’m going through?”
“Just listen.” Evan steepled his fingers and leaned forward. “Back in high school I was one of the cool kids—the jocks. I was on the football team, I dated the cheerleaders, went to all the pep rallies and when somebody made a faggot joke, I laughed louder than anybody. But there was something missing. And in my senior year I found out what it was—or should I say who it was.”
“Yeah?” Mav was intrigued despite himself. Not that he wanted to let Evan know that. But still, it would be rude not to at least pretend to be interested in the guy’s story.
“Yeah,” Evan said. “His name was Jamie and he was in my fifth period drama class. We all had to take an elective and I thought drama would be an easy A. I got paired up with Jamie as an acting partner and we just…clicked. I can’t explain it any better than that. But there was a problem.”
“Yeah?” Mav said again. He leaned forward a little on the couch, drinking in what Evan was saying. “What?”
“Jamie was gay.” Evan sighed. “And he wasn’t low key about it either. He was extremely flamboyant—what you might call a flamer. But I fell for him anyway. And then I broke his heart.”
“What? How’d you do that?”
“He wanted to be up front about how we felt about each other. Wanted to go to the prom together.” Evan shrugged sadly. “But I didn’t have the courage. We fought about it and I wound up taking one of the girls that had been on the homecoming court instead. Jamie refused to see me again after that. He said if I wouldn’t see him in public he wouldn’t see me in private.” He sighed. “It tore me up inside but there was nothing I could do. I spent the rest of my senior year vowing that the next time I fell for someone I’d give it my all. And then my first semester at USF I met Ethan.”
“So let me get this straight—I mean right,” Mav said. “You weren’t gay until you started college?”
“No, I was gay, I just wouldn’t admit I was gay,” Evan corrected him. “And believe me, it wasn’t easy but I didn’t want to keep on lying to myself and everybody else. It was too late for Jamie and me but I was determined not to lose Ethan the same way.”
Mav ran a hand through his hair. “So I guess you think it’s the same kind of deal between Duke and me?”
Evan smiled gently. “I know it’s the same kind of deal. And I don’t want to see you throw away something special and important to you because you’re worried about what other people think.”
“And what makes you think I’m so worried about what other people think?”
“Because,” Evan said “I know what happened between you and Duke.”
“You and the whole rest of the campus,” Mav said tiredly. “Everybody’s probably seen that damn website by now. I’m sure Enslow couldn’t wait to spread the word.”
“Actually, your pictures were taken off the Str8te Boys website.” Evan nodded when Mav shot him an incredulous look. “Oh yes, Duke went there the day after you two had the fight and paid to have them taken down.”
“But…but we signed contracts. They wouldn’t just…” Mav shook his head.
“The owner is a personal friend of mine,” Evan said coolly. “I called and explained to him what had happened and he agreed to take them down. He said he had no idea that you two weren’t publicly out yet when you took them and as long as Duke refunded the money he’d get rid of them.”
“What do you mean, ‘publicly out’?” Mav growled. “Why would we be out at all? We’re not gay.”
“Mmm hmm.” Evan raised one blond eyebrow at him. “And how’s the water in that river this time of year?”
“Fuck you.” Mav set his glass down on the end table beside him hard enough to make the ice cubes rattle. “Look, I’ll admit we did…some stuff. I’ll even admit I enjoyed it. But that doesn’t make Duke and me gay.”
“Well, if committing homosexual acts with a homosexual man doesn’t make you gay, then I don’t know what does.” Evan’s voice was bland.
“What? Duke’s not a homo. He’s just…” Duke shrugged. “I don’t know. Confused.”
“No.” Evan shook his head. “His feelings for you are the one thing Duke has never been confused about. Don’t you know he’s been in love with you for the last four years, Maverick?”
“He…he’s what?” Mav could hardly believe his ears. “You’re kidding.”
“I’m serious as a heart attack.” Evan’s green eyes flashed angrily. “He made Ethan and I swear not to tell anyone, to keep his secret, but he’s been eating his heart out over you for ages. Then when you finally started to reciprocate, he was over the moon. Started making all these plans for you two to move in together in Tallahassee, to be a real couple, not just roommates…” He shrugged. “I told him he was moving too fast, that he was going to freak you out, but he wouldn’t listen. And now he’s so despondent I don’t have the heart to say ‘I told you so’.”
“Duke’s really that upset? Over me?” Mav felt something catch in his chest. Had his best friend really been in love with him all this time? It would certainly explain the way Duke always wanted to be near him, touching him. And the way he had started sleeping in Mav’s bed at night and let it be known that Mav was welcome in his.
He could still remember the first time he’d taken his roommate up on that unspoken offer. It had been the middle of their sophomore year and he and Duke had been living together for a while and having a great time. Duke had crashed a few times on his bed—mostly when they’d both had too much to drink—but Mav had never returned the favor. But that night Mav’s mom had called to let him know that Jonesy, the dog he’d had since he was in fifth grade, had finally been called to the big doghouse in the sky after chasing the wrong car. The news left him feeling like shit and he’d gone to Duke’s room almost without thinking about it. His roommate was lying on his bed reading a textbook but he’d put it down when he caught a look at Mav’s face.
“Hey, man, you look like shit. What the hell happened?” Duke had asked mildly, scooting over to make room for him.
Mav had shrugged. “My mom just called. My, uh, dog died. It’s stupid, I know but I’d had him since I was a little kid. I mean, he was getting really old but I guess I just never thought—”
“Hey, no way, man. It’s not stupid. Dogs are great—like friends. It hurts when you lose a pet you’ve had a long time. Hurts like shit.”
“Uh huh.” Still Mav had hovered, standing right beside the bed, uncertain of what to do.
“C’mere, Mav.” Duke had patted the spot beside him invitingly. “Take a load off. It’s okay.”
Mav had sunk gratefully onto the bed and into his friend’s arms. Duke’s chest had been warm and strong under his cheek and Duke had been nice enough not to say anything when a few hot tears slipped from under Mav’s lashes and wet his t-shirt. Instead, he’d hugged Mav hard and made him feel better without saying a word.
They hadn’t talked about it but after that, they’d spent more time sleeping together than apart. Mav had never felt so lonely as in the past week when he didn’t have Duke’s warm, muscular body beside him in the dark. He supposed he could see why Evan thought he was miserable—it was because he was miserable. More miserable than he could ever remember being in his whole sorry life. And all because Duke was gone. Could he really chalk those feelings up to losing someone who was just a friend?
Then something Evan had said hit him for the first time. “Wait a minute, are you telling me that Duke really is gay? That he’s been in love with me and acting straight this whole time whe
n he’s actually like you and Ethan?” he asked, looking at the man across from him for confirmation.
Evan nodded without speaking.
“So all those cheerleaders he took out, all the times we double dated, every time he acted like some kind of idiot at a kegger, hitting on girls and shit, every time he watched porn with me, the way he pretended to get sick at our photo shoot for Str8te Boys—you’re telling me that was all an act?”
“Not an act, exactly.” Evan looked thoughtful. “I believe for awhile Duke really did try to get away from his true orientation. He wanted to be normal—to fit in with everyone else and that meant acting like everyone else. But deep down he couldn’t deny himself—anymore than he could deny his love for you. That was why he was so happy when it looked like you were finally coming around. Because he could stop denying what he was and what he felt and just be real for a change.”
Dimly, Mav remembered Duke saying how glad he was that he didn’t have to act like a dumb jock anymore. Finally he understood. The real Duke was the one that nursed kittens back to health and worked with poor kids. The obnoxious party guy who never thought about anything but beer, pussy, weed and porn was an illusion. A pretty good one—one that had fooled him for the last four years—but an illusion all the same.
“I don’t know what to say,” he said at last. “I mean—he’s been lying to me for the past four years.”
“Yeah, but I’d been lying to myself for a hell of a lot longer than that.”
Duke’s voice behind him nearly made Mav jump out of his skin.
“You’ve gotta stop doing that, man,” he said, turning around in the couch and looking up to meet his ex-best friend’s eyes. “Seriously. You almost gave me a heart attack.”
“Sorry. And I’m sorry I lied to you, Mav.” Duke shrugged. “I didn’t mean to. I was just…in denial about what I was for so long and it was easier to just pretend. I shouldn’t have done that—shoulda told you what I was right away but back when I first met you I was trying so hard not to be that person. And then it was too late.”