prospect of celebrating Mass. But now, as on most other mornings during the last four months, joy eluded him. He felt only a leaden bleakness, an emptiness that made his heart ache dully and that induced a cold, sick trembling in his belly.
Clenching his jaws, gritting his teeth, as if he could will himself into a state of spiritual ecstasy, he repeated his petition, elaborated upon his initial prayers, but still he felt unmoved, hollow.
After washing his hands and murmuring, “Da Domine, ” Father Cronin laid his biretta on the prie-dieu and went to the vesting bench to attire himself for the sacred celebration ahead. He was a sensitive man with an artist’s soul, and in the great beauty of the ceremony he perceived a pleasing pattern of divine order, a subtle echo of God’s grace. Usually, when placing the linen amice over his shoulders, when arranging the white alb so that it fell evenly to his ankles, a shiver of awe passed through him, awe that he, Brendan Cronin, should have achieved this sacred office.
Usually. But not today. And not for weeks of days before this.
Father Cronin put on his amice, passed the strings around his back, then tied them against his breast. He pulled on the alb with no more emotion than a welder getting dressed for work in a factory.
Four months ago, in early August, Father Brendan Cronin had begun to lose his faith. A small but relentless fire of doubt burned within him, unquenchable, gradually consuming all of his long-held beliefs.
For any priest, the loss of faith is a devastating process. But it was worse for Brendan Cronin than it would have been for most others. He had never even briefly entertained the thought of being anything but a priest. His parents were devout, and they fostered in him a devotion to the Church. However, he had not become a priest to please them. Simply, as trite as it might sound to others in this age of agnosticism, he had been called to the priesthood at a very young age. Now, though faith was gone, his holy office continued to be the essential part of his self-image; yet he knew he could not go on saying Mass and praying and comforting the afflicted when it was nothing but a charade to him.
Brendan Cronin placed the stole around his neck. As he pulled on the chasuble, the courtyard door to the sacristy was flung open, and a young boy burst into the room, switching on the electric lights that the priest had preferred to do without.
“Morning, Father!”
“Good morning, Kerry. How’re you this fine morning?”
Except that his hair was much redder than Father Cronin‘s, Kerry McDevit might have been the priest’s blood relative. He was slightly plump, freckled, with green eyes full of mischief. “I’m fine, Father. But it’s sure cold out there this morning. Cold as a witch’s—”
“Oh, yes? Cold as a witch’s what?”
“Refrigerator,” the boy said, embarrassed. “Cold as a witch’s refrigerator, Father. And that’s cold.”
If his mood had not been so bleak, Brendan would have been amused by the boy’s narrow avoidance of an innocent obscenity, but in his current state of mind he could not summon even a shadow of a smile. Undoubtedly, his silence was interpreted as stern disapproval, for Kerry averted his eyes and went quickly to the closet, where he stowed his coat, scarf, and gloves, and took his cassock and surplice from a hanger.
Even as Brendan lifted the maniple, kissed the cross in its center, and placed it on his left forearm, he felt nothing. There was just that cold, throbbing, hollow ache where belief and joy had once existed. As his hands were occupied with that task, his mind drifted back to a melancholy recollection of the exuberance with which he had once approached every priestly duty.
Until last August, he never doubted the wisdom of his commitment to the Church. He had been such a bright and hard-working student of both mundane subjects and religion that he had been chosen to complete his Catholic education at the North American College in Rome. He loved the Holy City—the architecture, the history, and the friendly people. Upon ordination and acceptance into the Society of Jesus, he had spent two years at the Vatican, as an assistant to Monsignor Giuseppe Orbella, chief speechwriter and doctrinal adviser to His Holiness, the Pope. That honor could have been followed by a prized assignment to the staff of the Cardinal of the Chicago Archdiocese, but Father Cronin had requested, instead, a curacy at a small or medium-sized parish, like any young priest. Thus, after a visit to Bishop Santefiore in San Francisco (an old friend of Monsignor Orbella’s), and after a vacation during which he drove from San Francisco to Chicago, he had come to St. Bernadette’s, where he’d taken great pleasure in even the most ordinary day-to-day chores of a curate’s life. And with never a regret or doubt.
Now, as he watched his altar boy slip into a surplice, Father Cronin longed for the simple faith that had for so long comforted and sustained him. Was it gone only temporarily, or had he lost it forever?
When Kerry was dressed, he led the way through the inner sacristy door, into the sanctuary of the church. Several steps beyond the door, he evidently sensed that Father Cronin was not coming after him, for he glanced back, a puzzled look upon his face.
Brendan Cronin hesitated. Through the door he had a sideview of the towering crucifix on the back wall and the altar platform straight ahead. This holiest part of the church was dismayingly strange, as if he were seeing it objectively for the first time. And he could not imagine why he had ever thought of it as sacred territory. It was just a place. A place like any other. If he walked out there now, if he went through the familiar rituals and litanies, he would be a hypocrite. He would be defrauding everyone in the congregation.
The puzzlement on Kerry McDevit’s face had turned to worry. The boy glanced out toward the pews that Brendan Cronin could not see, then looked again at his priest.
How can I say Mass when I no longer believe? Brendan wondered.
But there was nothing else to be done.
Holding the chalice in his left hand, with his right hand over the burse and veil, he kept the sacred vessel close to his breast and followed Kerry, at last, into the sanctuary, where the face of Christ upon the cross seemed, for a moment, to gaze at him accusingly.
As usual, less than a hundred people were in attendance for the early service. Their faces were unusually pale and radiant, as if God had not allowed real worshipers to attend this morning but had sent a deputation of judgmental angels to witness the sacrilege of a doubting priest who dared to offer Mass in spite of his fallen condition.
As the Mass progressed, Father Cronin’s despair deepened. From the moment he spoke the Introibo ad altare Dei, each step of the ceremony compounded the priest’s misery. By the time Kerry McDevit transferred the missal from the Epistle to the Gospel side of the altar, Father Cronin’s despondency was so heavy that he felt crushed beneath it. His spiritual and emotional exhaustion were so profound that he could barely lift his arms, could hardly find strength to focus on the Gospel and mutter the lines from the sacred text. The faces of the worshipers blurred into featureless blobs. By the time he reached the Canon of the Mass, Father Cronin could barely whisper. He knew that Kerry was gaping at him openly now, and he was sure that the congregation was aware that something was wrong. He was sweating and shaking. The awful grayness in him grew darker now, swiftly turning to black, and he felt as if he were spiraling down into a frighteningly dark void.
Then, as he held the Host in his hands and elevated it, speaking the five words that signified the mystery of transubstantiation, he was suddenly angry with himself for being unable to believe, angry with the Church for failing to provide him with better armor against doubt, angry that his entire life seemed misdirected, wasted, expended in pursuit of idiotic myths. His anger churned, heated up, reached the boiling point, was transformed into a steam of fury, a blistering vapor of rage.
To his astonishment, a wretched cry burst from him, and he pitched the chalice across the sanctuary. With a loud clank, it struck the sanctuary wall, spraying wine, rebounded, bounced off a statue of the Blessed Virgin, and clattered to a stop against the foot of the podiu
m at which he had not long ago read from the Gospels.
Kerry McDevit stumbled back in shock, and in the nave a hundred people gasped as one, but that response had no effect on Brendan Cronin. In a rage that was his only protection against suicidal despair, he flung one arm wide and swept a paten of communion wafers to the floor. With another wild cry, half anger and half grief, he thrust his hand under his chasuble, tore off the stole that lay around his neck and threw it down, turned from the altar, and raced into the sacristy. There, the anger departed as suddenly as it had come, and he stopped and stood there, swaying in confusion.
It was December 1.
7. Laguna Beach, California
That first Sunday in December, Dom Corvaisis had lunch with Parker Faine on the terrace at Las Brisas in the shade of an umbrella-table overlooking the sun-dappled sea. The good weather was holding well this year. While the breeze brought them the cries of gulls, the tang of the sea, and the sweet scent of star jasmine that was growing nearby, Dominick told Parker every embarrassing and distressing detail of his escalating battle with somnambulism.
Parker Faine was his best friend, perhaps the only person in the world with whom he could open up like this, though on the surface they seemed to have little in common. Dom was a slender, lean-muscled man, but Parker Faine was squat, burly, beefy. Beardless, Dom went to the barber for a haircut every three weeks; but Parker’s hair was shaggy, and his beard was shaggy, and his eyebrows bristled. He looked like a cross between a professional wrestler and a beatnik from the 1950s. Dom drank little and was easily intoxicated, while Parker’s thirst was legendary and his capacity prodigious. Although Dom was solitary by nature and slow to make friends, Parker had the gift of seeming like an old acquaintance just an hour after you first met him. At fifty, Parker Faine was fifteen years older than Dom. He had been rich and famous for almost a quarter of a century, and he was comfortable with both his wealth and fame, utterly unable to understand Dom’s uneasiness over the money and notoriety that was beginning to come his way because of Twilight in Babylon. Dom had come to lunch at Las Brisas in Bally loafers, dark brown slacks, and a lighter brown-checkered shirt with a button-down collar, but Parker had arrived in blue tennis shoes, heavily crinkled white cotton pants, and a white-and-blue flowered shirt worn over his belt, which made it seem as if they had dressed for entirely different engagements, had met outside the restaurant sheerly by chance, and had decided to have lunch together on a whim.
In spite of all the ways they differed from each other, they had become fast friends, because in several important ways they were alike. Both were artists, not by choice or inclination but by compulsion. Dom painted with words; Parker painted with paint; and they approached their different arts with identical high standards, commitment, craftsmanship. Furthermore, though Parker made friends more easily than Dom did, each placed enormous value on friendship and nurtured it.
They had met six years ago, when Parker had moved to Oregon for eighteen months, in search of new subject matter for a series of landscapes done in his unique style, which successfully married suprarealism with a surreal imagination. While there, he had signed to give one lecture a month at the. University of Portland, where Dom held a position in the Department of English.
Now, while Parker hunched over the table, munching on nachos that were dripping with cheese and guacamole and sour cream, Dom sipped slowly at a bottle of Negra Modelo and recounted his unconscious nocturnal adventures. He spoke softly, though discretion was probably unnecessary; the other diners on the terrace were noisily involved in their own conversations. He did not touch the nachos. This morning, for the fourth time, he had awakened behind the furnace in the garage, in a state of undiluted terror, and his continued inability to get control of himself had left him dispirited and without an appetite. By the time he finished his tale, he had drunk only half the beer, for even that rich, dark Mexican brew tasted flat and stale today.
Parker, on the other hand, had poured down three double-shot margaritas and already ordered a fourth. However, the painter’s attention was not dulled by the alcohol he consumed. “Jesus, buddy, why didn’t you tell me about this sooner, weeks ago?”
“I felt sort of ... foolish.”
“Nonsense. Bullshit,” the painter insisted, gesturing expansively with one huge hand, but keeping his voice low.
The Mexican waiter, a diminutive Wayne Newton look-alike, arrived with Parker’s margarita and inquired if they wished to order lunch.
“No, no. Sunday lunch is an excuse to have too many margaritas, and I’m a long way from having too many. What a sad waste to order lunch after only four margaritas! That’d leave most of the afternoon unfilled, and we’d find ourselves on the street with nothing to occupy us, and then without doubt we’d get into trouble, attract the attention of the police. God knows what might happen. No, no. To avoid jail and protect our reputations, we must not order lunch sooner than three o’clock. In fact, bring me another margarita. And another order of these magnificent nachos, please. More salsa—hotter if you’ve got it. A dish of chopped onions, too, please. And another beer for my dismayingly restrained friend.”
“No,” Dom said. “I’m only half-finished with this one.”
“That’s what I meant by ‘dismayingly restrained,’ you hopeless Puritan. You’ve sucked at that one so long it must be warm.”
Ordinarily, Dominick would have leaned back and enjoyed Parker Faine’s energetic performance. The painter’s ebullience, his unfailing enthusiasm for life, was invigorating and amusing. Today, however, Dom was so troubled that he was not amused.
As the waiter turned away, a small cloud passed over the sun, and Parker leaned in farther under the suddenly deeper shadow beneath the umbrella, returning his attention to Dominick, as if he had read his companion’s mind. “All right, let’s brainstorm. Let’s find some sort of explanation and figure out what to do. You don’t think the problem’s just related to stress ... the upcoming publication of your book?”
“I did. But not any more. I mean, if the problem was just a mild one, I might be able to accept that career worries lay behind it. But, Jesus, my concerns about Twilight just aren’t great enough to generate behavior this unusual, this obsessive ... this crazy. I go walking almost every night now, and it’s not just the walking that’s weird. The depth of my trance is incredible. Few sleepwalkers are as utterly comatose as I am, and few of them engage in such elaborate tasks as I do. I mean, I was attempting to nail the windows shut! And you don’t attempt to nail your windows shut just to keep out your worries about your career.”
“You may be more deeply worried about Twilight than you realize.”
“No. It doesn’t make sense. In fact, when the new book continued to go well, my anxiety about Twilight started fading. You can’t sit there and honestly tell me you think all this middle-of-the-night lunacy springs just from a few career worries.”
“No, I can’t,” Parker agreed.
“I crawl into the backs of those closets to hide. And when I wake up behind the furnace, when I’m still half-asleep, I have the feeling that something’s stalking me, searching for me, something that’ll kill me if it finds my hidey-hole. A couple of mornings I woke up trying to scream but unable to get it out. Yesterday, I woke up shouting, ‘Stay away, stay away, stay away!’ And this morning, the knife ...”
“Knife?” Parker said. “You didn’t tell me about a knife.”
“Woke up behind the furnace, hiding again. Had a butcher’s knife. I’d removed it from the rack in the kitchen while I was sleeping.”
“For protection? From what?”
“From whatever ... from whoever’s stalking me.”
“And who is stalking you?”
Dom shrugged. “Nobody that I’m aware of.”
“I don’t like this. You could’ve cut yourself, maybe badly.”
“That’s not what scares me the most.”
“So what scares you the most?”
Dom looked around at
the other people on the terrace. Though some had followed Parker Faine’s bit of theater with the waiter, no one was now paying the least attention to him or Dominick.
“What scares you the most?” Parker repeated.
“That I might ... might cut someone else.”
Incredulous, Faine said, “You mean take a butcher’s knife and ... go on a murdering rampage in your sleep? No chance.” He gulped his margarita. “Good heavens, what a melodramatic notion! Thankfully, your fiction is not quite so sloppily imagined. Relax, my friend. You’re not the homicidal type.”
“I didn’t think I was the sleepwalking type, either.”
“Oh, bullshit. There’s an explanation for this. You’re not mad. Madmen never doubt their sanity.”
“I think I’m going to have to see a psychiatrist, a counselor of some kind. And have a few medical tests.”
“The medical tests, yes. But put a hold on the psychiatrist. That’s a waste of time. You’re no more neurotic than psychotic.”
The waiter returned with more nachos, salsa, a dish of chopped onions, a beer, and a fifth margarita.
Parker surrendered his empty glass, took the full one. He scooped up some of the corn chips with generous globs of guacamole and sour cream, spooned some onions on top, and ate with an appreciation only one step removed from manic glee.
“I wonder if this problem of yours is somehow related to the changes you underwent two summers ago.”
Puzzled, Dom said, “What changes?”
“You know what I’m talking about. When I first met you in Portland six years ago, you were a pale, retiring, unadventurous slug.”
“Slug?”
“It’s true, and you know it. You were bright, talented, but a slug nonetheless. You know why you were a slug? I’ll tell you why. You had all those brains and all that talent, but you were afraid to use them. You were afraid of competition, failure, success, life. You just wanted to plod along, unnoticed. You dressed drably, spoke almost inaudibly, dreaded calling attention to yourself. You took refuge in the academic world because there was less competition there. God, man, you were a timid rabbit burrowing in the earth and curling up in its den.”
“Oh, yeah? If I was all that disgusting, why on earth did you ever go out of your way to strike up a friendship with me?”
“Because, you thick-headed booby, I saw through your masquerade. I saw beyond the timidity, saw through the practiced dullness and the mask of insipidness. I sensed something special in you, saw glimpses and glimmers of it. That’s what I do, you know. I see what other people can’t. That’s what any good artist does. He sees what most cannot.”
“And you called me insipid?”
“It’s true—about what an artist does and about you being a rabbit. Remember how long you knew me before you found enough confidence to admit being a writer? Three months!”
“Well, in those days, I wasn’t really a writer.”
“You had drawers full of stories! More than a hundred short stories, not one of which had ever been submitted to any publication anywhere! Not just because you were afraid of rejection. You were afraid of acceptance, too. Afraid of success. How many months did I have to hammer at you till you finally sent a couple to market?”
“I don’t remember.”
“I do. Six months! I wheedled and cajoled and demanded and pushed and nagged until you broke down and started submitting stories. I’m a persuasive character, but prying you out of your rabbit hole was almost beyond even my formidable talent for persuasion.”
With an almost obscene enthusiasm, Parker scooped up dripping masses of nachos and stuffed himself. After slurping his margarita, he said, “Even when your short stories started selling, you wanted to stop. I had to push you constantly. And after I left Oregon and came back here, when I left you on your own again, you only continued to submit stories for a few months. Then you crawled back into your rabbit hole.”
Dom did not argue because everything the painter said was true. After leaving Oregon and returning to his home in Laguna, Parker continued to encourage Dom through letters and phone calls, but long-distance encouragement was insufficient to motivate him. He’d convinced himself that, after all, he was not a writer worthy of publication, in spite of more than a score of sales he’d racked up in less than a year. He stopped sending his stories to magazines and quickly fabricated another shell to replace the one Parker had helped him break out of. Though he was still compelled to produce stories, he reverted to his previous habit of consigning them to his deepest desk drawer, with no thought of marketing them. Parker had continued to urge him to write a novel, but Dom had been certain that his talent was too humble and that he was too lacking in self-discipline to tackle such a large and complex project. He tucked his head down once more, spoke softly, walked softly, and tried to live a life that was largely beneath notice.
“But the summer before last, all of that changed,” Parker said. “Suddenly you throw away your teaching career. You take the plunge and become a full-time writer. Almost overnight, you change from an accountant type to a risk-taker, a Bohemian. Why? You’ve never been clear about that. Why?”
Dominick frowned, considered the question for a moment, and was surprised that he had not thought about it much before this. “I don’t know why. I really don’t know.”
At the University of Portland, he had been up for tenure, had felt that he would not be given it, and had grown panicky at the prospect of being cast loose from his sheltered moorings. Obsessed with keeping a low profile, he had faded too completely from the notice of the campus movers-and-shakers, and when the time arrived for the tenure board to consider him, they had begun to question whether he had embraced the University with sufficient enthusiasm to warrant a grant of lifetime employment. Dom was enough of a realist to see that, if the board refused tenure, he would find it difficult to obtain a position at another university, for the hiring committee would want to know why he had been turned down at Portland. In an uncharacteristic burst of self-promotion, hoping to slip out from under the university’s ax before it fell, he applied for positions at institutions in several Western states, emphasizing his published stories because that was the only thing worth emphasizing.
Mountainview College in Utah, with a student body of only four thousand, had been so impressed by the list of magazines in which he had published that they flew him from Portland for an interview. Dom made a considerable effort to be more outgoing than he had ever been before. He was offered a contract to teach English and creative writing with guaranteed tenure. He had accepted, if not with enormous delight then at least with enormous relief.
Now, on the terrace of Las Brisas, as the California sun slid out from behind a band of white jeweled clouds, he took a sip of his beer, sighed, and said, “I left Portland late in June that year. I had a U-Haul trailer hooked to the car, just a small one, filled mostly with books and clothes. I was in a good mood. Didn’t feel as if I’d failed at Portland. Not at all. I just felt ... well, that I was getting a fresh start. I was really looking forward to life at Mountainview. In fact, I don’t remember ever being happier than the day I hit the road.”
Parker Faine nodded knowingly. “Of course you were happy! You had tenure in a hick school, where not much would be expected of you, where your introversion would be excused as an artist’s temperament.”
“A perfect rabbit hole, huh?”
“Exactly. So why didn’t you wind up teaching in Mountainview?”