I now have almost a pleasant friendship with Huriel, and we’ve got a pretty boring daily routine, but it makes me feel secure, so I’m not complaining. Life is slow and regular. We’ve agreed to leave my caste ascension work until I’ve settled in some more.
Sometimes, I can go for hours at a time and not think about my nemesis. I never thought I’d write those words and mean them. I sent a letter to my parents, again not sure how much the hara in Jesith might have told them, but explaining that my education had taken a turn for the better, and I’d been taken on by none other than a Codexia of Kyme. I talked about the books, which I know won’t interest my parents at all, and described how wonderfully dark and strange Kyme is. They won’t like that either. If something doesn’t emanate light and loveliness, my parents tend to put their hands over their ears, shut their eyes, and start humming loudly.
But, on to my shock…
High Codexia Malakess spends a lot of time in Almagabra, fraternising with the Gelaming, and making plans for the world. From what Huriel’s told me about him, I couldn’t help imagining him as looking like some kind of human wizard with a long grey beard or something. I know that’s ridiculous, but the idea of him just oozes fustiness and old age, as in pictures I’ve seen in some of Huriel’s books: serious men pointing at arcane instruments of alchemy, not looking at one another, their postures stiff and graceless. Anyway, yesterday morning at breakfast, Huriel said that Malakess was back in Kyme and coming to visit. He wanted to discuss with Huriel his recent meetings.
‘Do you want me to make myself scarce?’ I asked.
Huriel frowned. ‘No. Just don’t get in the way or be impertinent. Do you think you can manage that?’
‘I’ve been perfectly good, as you well know!’ I said.
Huriel’s frown changed to a smile. ‘I know. I have noticed. You might be bored though. Perhaps you should finally go out and about a bit. Take the day off.’
I realised, by the cold feeling that went through my stomach, that I might be developing a phobia about the outside. ‘I don’t mind working.’
‘Gesaril,’ Huriel said sternly. ‘I get the impression you really should go out.’
He could read my mind, I suppose. ‘Oh, all right, then.’
We hadn’t even finished breakfast when somehar knocked at the front door. One of Huriel’s staff went to answer it, and then conducted the visitor to the dining room. I looked up from the remains of my meal, saw him, and the cold inside me turned to ice. Ysobi har Jesith was standing at the threshold. (There: his name). It was like some hideous ghost. He was very tall, more so than hara tend to be, with the same bony-faced attenuated appearance. The impression lasted only a moment, but even so, it hit me like a punch to the stomach. Hara were talking, but I couldn’t hear anything. Eventually, the sound of my name penetrated my trance. ‘Gesaril… Gesaril!’ It was Huriel. ‘This is High Codexia Malakess. Where are your manners?’
‘I’m sorry,’ I blurted, physically incapable of looking at that har again. ‘I feel ill. Excuse me, tiahaara.’
Almost blind, I lurched from my chair and ran from the room. I fled to my own room, threw myself on the bed, and erupted into a fit of weeping. I realised, with horrible sick despair, how much I was still in love with Ysobi, no matter how I’d tried to squash all the feelings flat, fold them away and close the lid on them. How could life be so cruel? Why did it have to throw this har who looked like Ysobi in my path? Malakess har Kyme. Not a grey beard in sight. He was beautiful to me.
Huriel came to find me only minutes later. No doubt he’d been embarrassed having to explain to his great teacher that he’d taken on a lunatic like me. ‘What on earth’s the matter with you?’ he asked me.
‘Nothing,’ I said. Pathetic.
‘You look like you saw a ghost down there. What was it you saw in Malakess?’
Couldn’t Huriel see it himself? He knew Ysobi well, and had trained him here in Kyme. I thought the similarity was obvious, and certainly didn’t want to say it. An inventive fiction was in order. ‘I’m sorry, Huriel. I must have embarrassed you. The fact is, I think I’ve got a problem about going out. I was thinking about it when Tiahaar Malakess arrived, and it made me feel physically sick.’
Huriel sat down on my bed and folded his arms. ‘We’ll have to do something about that.’
I nodded. ‘Yes… I really am sorry. Ag knows what it must have looked like, me running out like that. I thought I was going to vomit.’
‘Stay up here for a while,’ Huriel said. ‘Calm down. Then go into the garden, take some air. Perhaps you’d feel better going beyond the grounds with somehar else. We’ll talk about it with Ystayne and Rayzie.’
‘Do we have to?’
‘There are no secrets in this house,’ Huriel said. ‘They’re good hara. They’ll help you.’
He patted one of my legs and then left me.
I curled onto my side, and I swear I could smell Ysobi’s personal scent around me. Morning sunlight came in through the window, filtered green by the Virginia creeper that had stretched tendrils over it. The day was so beautiful and mellow and there I was, remembering the way Ysobi used to smile at me, how he was always so pleased when I got something right in my caste work, because I could be such a nasty petulant thing and liked to annoy him by not working. When I did something well, he saw it as an achievement for both of us. Back then, in those days when I had begun to see him as more than a teacher, I thought he had exorcised the ghosts of my past, but in fact he’d invoked them. He’d opened me up, as if I was spread-eagled on a dissecting board, and had started fiddling around with my insides. He didn’t know about my past, of course. I didn’t tell him, when I should have done.
Curled in on myself, I tried to banish the image of Ysobi’s face from my mind. I wept because I knew I could never see him again. He had a chesnari, who had fought for him and won. Once Ysobi had truly realised what I’d felt for him, he’d acted horrified and had backed off, even though he’d been responsible, for the most part, for making me feel that way. I know he’d wanted to make me love him but once he’d achieved that, it became a nuisance, so he’d abandoned me without a second thought. Jassenah, his divine consort, had been free to gloat. I wonder if they ever talk about me? If so, it’s probably to laugh. I was just a harling to them, and a messed up one at that. Their pity would be worse than their scorn. Why, why, why did my stupid parents send me to Jesith?
Such thoughts are pointless. It is torture. Love is a vile thing. It’s a disease. I’m still infected, but once I’m over it, and I’ve decided I will get over it one day, it’ll never ever happen again.
Later
After an hour or so, I felt stable enough to go back downstairs and out into the garden. One of the staff, Ystayne, was out there, kneeling on the lawn next to the herb bed, cutting some sprigs for lunch with a pair of tiny silver scissors. He was so precise about it. It made me feel warm inside for some reason. I wandered over to watch him and he glanced at me over his shoulder. ‘I heard you had a fit at breakfast.’
‘Hmm, yes,’ I said. ‘I’m scared of going beyond this house.’
Ystayne twitched a smile. ‘Oh dear. Do you want to come into town with me later?’
As my phobia was only partly fictional, I said, ‘Thanks. I think perhaps I should.’
‘Yes, don’t let it get too strong a hold.’
There was a pause, then I had to ask. ‘Do you know about me, Ystayne?’
He didn’t look at me. ‘Everyhar knows about you, Gesaril. Gossip flies as quickly here in Kyme as it does anywhere else.’
‘What happened in Jesith… It wasn’t all my fault, not really.’
He glanced at me again then and grinned. ‘Looking at you, lovely, I can see that perfectly.’
‘I’m not lovely on the inside.’
Ystayne stood up. ‘Who cares? Come to the kitchen after lunch.’
Ystayne, of course, is not your typical Kymian in the Codexia sense. In fact, the community compris
es two sorts of hara: the scholars and academics and then everyhar else who looks after them while they wrestle with their mighty thoughts. As I sat on the lawn, it occurred to me that I must eventually be intimate with hara again, and that Ystayne would be more than willing to accommodate me in that regard. Another realisation occurred. I’m more scared of taking aruna than of going out into town. I have no desire for it at all. Physically numb. Ysobi has done this to me. Wretched wretched har. Perhaps if I train myself to hate him, things will be easier for me.
Huriel asked me to join him and Malakess for lunch. There was no way I could eat in front of that har, so I still had to pretend to be ill. After lunch, when Huriel and Malakess had once again retired to Huriel’s office for more talk, I went to the kitchen.
‘You do look off colour,’ Ystayne said. ‘Are you sure you want to come out today?’
‘Might as well,’ I said. ‘If I feel weird, can I hold onto your arm?’
‘Do so anyway,’ Ystayne said. ‘I’ll enjoy the envious looks it’ll earn me.’
And he did get envious looks. We laughed about it. He took me to the market, and I didn’t feel strange at all. I wanted to look around some of the old buildings, soak up the atmosphere. Ystayne showed me the black church, which is really bizarre. It’s supposed to be a religious building, but it looks like the sort of place where people would have been sacrificed by men wearing cowls. Why would someone build a church out of black bricks? Perhaps they were cheaper. Or maybe the builders really were evil dark magicians. How funny.
We ended our walk by taking tea in a café in the town square. There were trees all around us, the sunlight coming down and flowers growing in old barrels by the café door. Ystayne flirted with me and I half-heartedly responded. He’s not a bad-looking har, and quite young, probably second generation like me.
Eventually he asked me: ‘Do you sleep alone?’
‘Yes, but for the ghosts,’ I replied. ‘Why?’
‘We wonder, Rayzie and me, exactly why Huriel brought you here from Jesith. The answer seems obvious.’
‘It’s not what you think. He’s never touched me.’
Ystayne raised his eyebrows. ‘Is the har mad?’
I took a breath. ‘I have problems. Huriel knows that. He doesn’t desire me, and that’s good. I need to be alone for a while, sort my head out.’
Ystayne could not hide his disappointment. ‘That’s a shame.’
I laughed. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll come knocking on your door the moment I change my mind.’
Ystayne pulled a face. ‘Sorry, am I that obvious?’
‘Yes.’ I reached out and flicked the end of his nose. ‘I don’t mind.’
‘You’re used to it, of course.’ He shook his head and sighed.
Yes, I am used to it, Ystayne, and to be honest I’m sick of it too. It’s like the moment hara see me, they think they have this divine right to possess me. It’s as if I have to pay for the fact that I’m beautiful by having to give myself to everyhar who wants me. If I say no, hara think there’s something wrong with me, which of course there is. And then, when I do find somehar I really like, this beauty thing gets in the way. He’ll think he won’t be able to interest me for long, or maybe when he looks at me, he thinks about the thousands of hara I’ve supposedly taken aruna with, because I’m so irresistible I must be rooning constantly. You see, it’s really annoying. Inevitably, I go for those who seem the most challenging – except perhaps for Huriel. He doesn’t have that whiff of danger about him that I like, I think. It’s obscene that Malakess looks like Ysobi, because he’s a tedious academic and that face doesn’t belong to him. Nohar has the right to look like Ysobi and not be him. Why can’t Huriel see it? He could have warned me. Surely he can see it? I’m rambling to myself. Maybe I should shave off my hair and eyebrows. Would that make a difference?
Agavesday, Meadowmoon 28
It’s as if the universe has cracked its knuckles and thought Aha, how can I discomfort this wretched creature even more? I say this because Malakess has been around a lot the past few weeks. I’ve become very adept at avoiding him, because every time I see him, I get that cold shock. He is actually a lot more physically attractive than Ysobi, who as I said is rather odd-looking, but to me his looks just seem washed out and pale in comparison, despite the shock I experience each time I lay eyes on him. He gives me strange glances, as if he’s just turned over a stone and some weird insect is waving its feelers in his face. No doubt he thinks I’m peculiar. Whenever we bump into each other, which thankfully is only rarely, he’ll pause for a moment, then incline his head and say, ‘Hello, Gesaril.’ It sounds sort of insulting, which should make it easier for me, but it never does.
I’ve been making friends with Ystayne and Rayzie, who are easy going and, despite claiming to be gossips, never try to question me about the past. Rayzie was the more cautious to begin with, and I thought this might be because he and Ystayne are an item, and Ystayne makes no secret of the fact he likes me, but it isn’t that. Rayzie is just cautious with every new har he meets. I’m glad it isn’t the same old story, with Rayzie running off to his friends to complain about me being a predator, and so on.
One night, Rayzie and I got drunk together and sat outside in the garden to look at the stars. We sprawled on the lawn that was wet with dew. Once a fox stared at us from the bushes; eyes like topazes. Somewhere nearby, a har was singing; the song came through the evening like a sad memory. I couldn’t hear the words, but I didn’t need to. It was a song of longing; perhaps it made both Rayzie and I think. He said to me, ‘You really are extraordinary to look at, Gesaril. I bet you get fed up with hara lusting after you.’
This was actually the first time anyhar had said this to me, in quite that way. ‘I hate it,’ I said, tongue loosened by the wine we’d drunk. ‘It’s like they can’t see me, and my body is a prison I’m trapped inside.’
Rayzie nodded. ‘I can understand that.’ He clasped my shoulder. ‘Don’t worry. It’ll get better as you get older.’
‘Will it?’
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘You’ll have a different kind of beauty then, and because you won’t be young anymore, hara won’t think they can take liberties or make assumptions. I’ve noticed myself how hara can be with second generation. It’s like we’re some kind of delicious treat. They’d never dare treat their peers that way.’
‘Did it get better for you?’ I asked.
He laughed. ‘I’m not in your league, but yes, it did.’ He paused. ‘Soume is strong in the young. It makes us seem like young women, and a lot of first generation, who of course all used to be men, don’t realise that appeals to them so much. They have a tendency to treat us in a similar way to how men used to treat women.’
I’d never heard such an astounding idea, mainly because I’d never thought about it. ‘What do you mean? How did men treat women?’
Again, he laughed. ‘Like hara treat you! Sweetmeats for the bedroom… sometimes. Women had to fight to get political power. I study anthropology – that’s the study of humans - whenever I can, because I used to feel a bit like you do now.’
‘Was that why you wanted to be in Kyme, to study?’
He shrugged. ‘Partly. It’s difficult to get work in the houses of the Codexiae, and Huriel has been good to me.’
‘But you clean his home!’ I exclaimed. ‘Why aren’t you studying with him like me?’
‘My parents don’t have much to barter with, and certainly no coin,’ Rayzie said.
‘Oh.’ I didn’t tell him that my education was free, simply to get me away from Jesith and the tarnished reputation of the esteemed Ysobi. ‘Do you mind cleaning the house?’
‘No,’ Rayzie said. ‘It’s very relaxing and I can think while I’m doing it. Nohar bothers me.’
‘I like it here too,’ I said. ‘In some ways, it seems enchanted, like I’ve left life behind and have come to live in a dream.’
Rayzie nodded. ‘Huriel is a good har. He treats us all like family,
but that’s because he has none, I suppose.’
‘He doesn’t have a chesnari,’ I said. ‘Has he ever had anyhar special?’
‘I’ve been here for three years, and the answer is no, not in my time. Ystayne and I know he has liaisons, but he’s always discreet about them. He’s a strange one. Comes from being a scholarly type, I expect. In human times, they were often anti-social creatures. Hara can’t be that different. Huriel loves words more than hara.’
‘You seem to know a lot about humans,’ I said.
‘We should all know,’ Rayzie replied. ‘Otherwise, we could end up the same way.’
‘Does Huriel know about your thoughts?’ I couldn’t resist asking.
Rayzie twisted his mouth to the side. ‘He knows I like studying.’
‘Maybe you should talk to him. I don’t think income is his first priority when it comes to education. You should be doing something other than cleaning houses, Rayzie.’
Rayzie shook his head, but he was grinning. My comment had pleased him. ‘Perhaps. Like you, I enjoy life here. I’m not eager for change.’
I sensed he wanted me to drop the subject, so I did, but it made me think.
Aruhanisday, Ardourmoon 6
Today was an interesting day, in the sense of interesting being somewhat grotesque and unexpected. At breakfast, Huriel announced he wished for me to help the High Codexia that morning. He did this without looking at me, which should have perhaps told me something.
‘What?’ I exclaimed. ‘Why?’
‘He needs somehar to take notes for him, for a report he’s sending to Immanion. You’re quick at writing things down. I think it’d be good for you.’
‘I’d rather not,’ I said. ‘I’ll do anything else. Ask Rayzie to do it. I’m sure he’d like to.’
‘Rayzie?’ Huriel raised his brows, smothered a smile. ‘I don’t think so, Gesaril. This is part of your job.’