So adorable.
If you’re weird, then I’m weird because I miss you too. I’m just having dinner now.
I found a bag of pasta with chicken and shoved it in the microwave.
What are you having?
I told her and then asked what she was eating. That led to a somewhat heated discussion about olives, (terrible or delicious) guacamole, (terrible or delicious) and beets (we both agreed they were terrible).
I liked learning those little things about her. The things that not everyone knew. I wanted to know them all. I wanted to know what song she had stuck in her head. I wanted to know her most embarrassing moment. I wanted to know what side of the bed she liked to sleep on.
I wanted to know it all.
Midori texted me again to ask if I was sure I didn’t want to go out and I said no again. I was too busy texting with Kyle. It was so much easier than actually taking face-to-face or on the phone.
She started sending me silly selfies and I sent a few back and we had a whole section of the conversation that were just emojis.
I really, really liked her.
She was funny and sweet and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it sooner. How could this amazing girl have been there all along? Was I that self-absorbed?
Probably.
The last message she sent me had a kissy emoji and two words.
Goodnight, babe.
On Sunday I was forced to do all the homework I’d ignored on Friday night and Saturday, along with listening to my parents go through all they’d learned about financial aid at the seminar.
Riveting stuff.
I could feel my eyes glazing over and the words were going in one ear and out the other. Basically, I had to apply for any and every scholarship I could, stay in state and maybe sell an organ or two.
My parents had been scrimping and saving my entire life, but it still wasn’t going to be enough. I hated it for them and I planned on getting at least two jobs this summer and stashing away as much money as possible to pick up the slack. They shouldn’t have to pay for my education. At least not all of it.
Stella was probably going to have no problem. Seeing as how her dad taught and I knew they had more money than my family. Whatever. It didn’t matter. She had her situation and I had mine.
Thinking about college just reminded me that it was happening in less than a year. Things with Stella were . . . complicated already. Neither of us knew what we were doing, or if anything was going to come of it. How could anything come of it? We’d not only have to both come out and hope everyone accepted us, but then deal with going to different colleges. There was just no way it was going to work out.
I guess I should just stop worrying about the future and just think about now. About how I wish we were making out instead of me sitting here and listening to my mom explain the FAFSA form.
I was about to head to my room when something my mom said made me stop in my tracks.
“So, who is that girl, Stella? She doesn’t seem like your kind of friend.” Ouch. But I knew what she meant. Stella looked like a princess and I looked like the stable-hand or something.
“Oh, we’re just working together in AP English. That’s it.” I shrugged and tried to slip away to my room, but my mom was giving me a look. Uh oh.
“It’s just that you don’t invite a lot of people over. We hardly even see Grace.” That was true. I didn’t like subjecting my friends to the nuttiness of my parents.
“Well, we had to work on the project, so . . .” I trailed off. Dad was still staring at the forms, but Mom was giving me one of those looks where you knew she knew you weren’t telling the whole story.
Shit.
“Okay, well, I’m going to do my homework.” I gave her what I hoped was a normal smile and headed off to my room.
I sat on my bed and wondered if I should text Stella. I was really terrible about keeping this secret and it had only been a couple of days. I’d make a horrible secret agent.
I’d told Grace and now my mom knew something was up. How long would it take everyone else?
The thought made my stomach churn.
I picked up my phone and texted her.
I think my mom knows. She was asking about you and I am pretty sure I’m a terrible liar.
Her response took a few minutes.
I mean, it was bound to happen, right? Guess it was just sooner. What did you tell her?
This was different than Grace knowing because now Stella was involved. Revealing my secret meant revealing hers and that made me feel sicker than anything.
Just that we were working on a project. I tried. I’m so sorry.
Kyle, it’s fine. I know you didn’t do it on purpose. We just have to be more careful. Or tell people. Those are the only options.
Two options; I didn’t know if I could handle either of them.
On Monday it was so hard not to kiss Stella when I walked by her in the hallway. She glanced at me, but didn’t give me a smile. I tried to keep my face neutral, but I couldn’t help but be happy to see her.
Grace was talking in my ear, but all I could see in the crowd was Stella. She passed me and it was so close that she just barely brushed my hand with hers. I shivered.
“Are you even listening?” Grace said, grabbing my other arm and stopping me.
“Yeah, sorry. I was just off in the clouds,” I said, refusing to look over my shoulder to see if Stella was still there.
“Uh huh,” Grace said and pulled me into the bathroom. We were going to be late, but something told me she didn’t care.
“Is this about what we talked about on Friday? I wanted to give you some space this weekend, but maybe I shouldn’t have?” I had been sort of surprised that she hadn’t texted me, but I’d been so wrapped up in Stella I didn’t really notice. It made me feel like a shitty friend.
“No,” I said too quickly. Grace crossed her arms and leaned against the wall as if she was going to stand there all day and wait for me.
“It’s not about that. Not exactly. Things are just . . . a little weird. Because I always thought I was straight,” I said the last part in a whisper, even though we were the only two in here at the moment.
“Yeah? I bet. Are you having second-thoughts?” About my sexuality? Oh, hell no. Definitely 100 percent gay. Gay, gay, gay. Lesbian. Whatever.
“Nope. I know that it’s right and that it’s true.” Grace opened her mouth as if she was going to ask me how, but then shook her head.
“You want to know how I know. I know you do. If the situation were reversed, I’d want to know. But I can’t tell you that. Just that I do.” Her eyebrows drew together and we stood there in silence for a while.
“I’m sorry, Grace. I don’t like keeping secrets from you. I don’t like keeping them from anyone, but I need you to trust me on this one. Please?” She bit her bottom lip and sighed, putting her arms around me.
“I know. I’m sorry. I just hate that you feel like there are things you can’t tell me. But of course I trust you.” I rested my chin on her shoulder for a second and thought about how different hugging Grace was than hugging Stella.
Two different galaxies.
“I promise that if/when I tell someone, you’ll be the first. Okay?” She let me go and nodded.
“Okay. And if you need a friend to go to the Pride Parade, I’m your girl. I mean, your heterosexual girl,” she said, giving me two thumbs up. I laughed and we headed off to class.
Stella and I headed to the library again during English class.
“This worked out in our favor, didn’t it?” she asked as we sat next to each other. I was starting to think of this corner as our place. Or one of our places.
“Totally,” I said, kissing her cheek. She wrinkled her nose in the cutest way and then kissed me on the lips.
“No tongue,” I said into her mouth. She pulled back and pouted, which made me laugh.
“I love your tongue, but it makes me forget everything and that’s probably a bad id
ea to do in a place where someone could catch us,” I said and she moved away from me.
“Yeah, you’re right. So tell me more about how it went with your parents.” I told her and that made me want to tell her about Grace.
“I’m worried you’re gonna hate me,” I said as I handed off the bag of gummy bears. I’d made sure I had some when I left for school today.
“Why would I hate you?” Stella said, running her fingers up and down my arm, causing goosebumps.
“Because I told Grace I was gay.” The fingers stopped and I couldn’t look at her face.
“How did that happen?” Her voice was level, so maybe she wasn’t going to be pissed?
“Basically I was ignoring her at the game and she made me go back to my car and tell her what was wrong. She’s not really good at letting things go.” I looked up at her and she had a neutral expression on.
“So I basically broke down and told her. I didn’t say anything about you, I swear, but today she talked to me about it again and I think she’s on high alert for any lesbian behaviors. Like me not being able to stop staring at you.” She gave me a half-smile.
“Well, you’re not the only one who’s guilty of that. I would stare at you all day if I could.” I loved it when she said things like that.
“Anyway, I just . . . I’m really bad at this secret thing and I just wanted to let you know that I might do something that is going to out us.” Both of us.
She sighed and looked down at her nails. They were polished in a soft grey today.
“It’s not your fault that you suck at lying, I guess. And our friends and family would be pretty stupid if they didn’t notice at least some change.” She took a breath. “I think my brother knows. Or at least suspects.”
She’d talked to me about her older brother, Gabe, who she absolutely idolized. It was so sweet and I was a little jealous, being an only child.
“Yeah?” She nodded.
“He’s really perceptive, but he hasn’t pushed me or anything. If I told anyone, I’d tell him. Or at least I’d tell him first.” I nodded.
“I hate that we feel like we have to lie. I mean, we shouldn’t feel this way,” I said. Stella gave me a sad smile.
“It’s just the way things are right now. They’ve changed a lot. At least we’re probably not going to get stabbed or spit on, but who knows? There are still plenty of homophobes in the world.” I bet there were. It wasn’t something I’d given a lot of thought to. Until now, of course. Now it was something I had to consider.
My mind was starting to spin again.
“Hey,” Stella said, squeezing my shoulder. “I’m not going to lose you again, am I?”
“No. I just . . . I was thinking about homophobes and that got me thinking about a whole lot of other shit. There’s a lot to this liking girls thing, isn’t there?” Stella scooted over and put her head on my shoulder.
“But there’s a lot of good things too.” I rested my head on hers. That was true. It wouldn’t be worth doing if there weren’t more pros than cons.
“Should we make a list?” I said, almost as a joke.
“Let’s do it.”
She laughed a little and I decided her laugh was number one.
“Girls are prettier,” Stella said.
“Girls smell better.”
“Girls are better listeners.”
“Girls have better boobs.”
That one made us both laugh.
“Boobs are pretty fantastic. How did I not notice?” I said, looking down at my own chest.
“Yours are really nice. In case you were wondering,” Stella said. “But don’t get a big head about it.”
“Why, Stella, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.” She smacked my shoulder.
“Shut up.”
“Girls have better nails,” I said, taking her hand and stretching her fingers out.
Stella was just about to reply when the bell rang, shattering our little bubble. We both got up and it was almost painful to walk away from her.
We would text later, but it wasn’t the same. I just wanted to be with her. As much as I could. Basically all the time. Being with her was like breathing fresh air for the first time and it was so hard to let go. I hoped it wasn’t going to keep getting harder.
I was totally off again at practice on Monday night and coach was not pleased. I kept messing up simple choreography I could do in my damn sleep. It was so bad that she pulled me aside.
“Is everything okay? Everything at home or in class?” Everyone else had headed to the locker room to change or had left, so it was just the two of us in the gym.
“No, I’m just tired,” I said. I figured it was a good enough excuse. “Or maybe I’m coming down with something.” Mysterious illness was another good one. Maybe I should have said I had PMS.
Coach put her hand on my shoulder and did that thing that adults do when they sort of lean down and look deeply into your eyes as if they’re going to decipher all your secrets with one look.
“I’m fine, Coach. Promise.” I gave her a smile and she pulled me into a hug.
“You let me know if you need absolutely anything. You got it?” I hugged her back and thanked her. I was all gross and I just wanted to go home and take a shower. I grabbed my stuff and headed out the door, taking my hair down and running my fingers through it. I was thinking about other things so I didn’t notice that someone was standing beside my car. It was almost dark, but not so dark that I didn’t recognize who it was.
“What are you doing here?” I said, nearly dropping my bag in shock.
“Um, waiting for you and feeling like a creepy stalker?” Kyle said, crossing her arms in the cold. I was still overheated from practice so I didn’t have my coat on.
“Do not tell me you’ve been standing out here for hours, because that might veer into stalker territory.” I unlocked my car and threw my duffel in the back and shut the door, walking over to where she was leaning against the driver’s side.
“Yeah, no. I definitely didn’t do that. I went home and did homework and thought about you and figured I would come and bring you a little pick me up.” She held out a bottle of green juice and a paper bakery bag.
“What’s in there?” I asked. She smiled.
“Open it and find out.” I moved so I was under the streetlight and opened the bag. A chocolate croissant.
“Because the green juice and the croissant cancel each other out. Calorie-wise,” she said, pushing her glasses up on her nose.
“You know that’s not how it works, right? I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.” She snorted.
“See if I do anything nice for you again.” I reached out and took her hand.
“I love it. Thank you. And I’m really happy to see you. Even if I’m all gross.” Kyle laughed and pushed some of my hair over my shoulder. We looked more alike now, with me in sweats and with my hair all messy.
“You are so beyond gross right now,” she said, and demonstrating by pulling my face forward for a kiss. It was quick, because we didn’t want anyone to see us.
“Thank you for the croissant. And the juice.” I kissed her cheek and squeezed her hand again.
“You’re welcome, babe.” She let go of my hand and headed back to her car across the lot.
“Girls are more thoughtful,” I yelled after her and she gave me a thumbs up.
“Definitely!”
I ate the croissant first and had the juice second, but I was still starving when I got home, so I made myself some dinner.
“How was practice?” Dad asked.
“Good,” I said, which was what I always said.
“And how’s your presentation?” I froze in the act of putting together my salad.
“Good,” I said again.
“Are you going to give me any more details than that? I thought we’d passed this phase a few years ago.” He leaned against the counter.
“It’s good. We’re basically done and we made the c
hanges you suggested. We’re ahead of everyone else, so we’ve been using our class time for studying.” Studying, cuddling.
“Good, good. And how’s it working out with your partner?” I’d told him the bare minimum about Kyle. And now I was starting to get suspicious.
Were the two of us wearing neon signs on our foreheads advertising that we were hanging out together? Or did we just have very perceptive people around us?
Or was I just paranoid?
“Fine,” I said, for some variety. “She’s actually really cool.” I could talk about Kyle as a friend without raising too many red flags. Because his assumption wouldn’t be that Kyle and I were into each other.
“That’s nice. It’s good to make new friends. I mean, friends that are more into academics.” I gave him a look.
“You’re saying Midori isn’t into academics?” I asked. “She’s a National Merit Scholar.” He sighed and looked at the ceiling. He was more than used to debating with me.
“That’s not what I meant and you know it. I like seeing you branch out and meet new people. Why don’t you have her over sometime?” Um, I’d already done that and it had ended in me kissing Kyle. But my house was a better place for the two of us to hang out, if only because my dad was gone so much.
“Yeah, maybe I will. She’d probably like to get out of her house. Her parents are a little obsessive and hovery,” I said and cut it off there because I was saying too much.
“Is she an only child?” He crossed his arms and smirked.
“Yes, as a matter of fact she is.” We both laughed.
“I can understand that. You only want what’s best for your kids and sometimes it’s easy to go a little overboard.” I finished making my salad and started pouring on the olive oil dressing.
Dad came over and stole a cherry tomato before I could swat his hand away.
“I’m glad you didn’t hover. I mean, not like that. They’re constantly checking in with her, making sure she’s happy and healthy and everything.” I started eating while standing up because I was still so hungry.