“Should we measure? Should we draw a line?” She crumpled up the napkin and threw it at me, but missed.
“I’m only protecting us from the horror of my dad walking in while we’re in a compromising position. I would rather die than have that happen.” Yeah, me too.
“I know, I know. All these rules,” I said, taking my hair down. It was pulling at my scalp and I could feel a headache coming on.
“If you were a boy, he’d still have the same rules. Probably more.” True. There was that.
“At least he didn’t ask me if we were seeing each other,” I said, shuddering. That would have been the worst. The “so what are your intentions with my daughter” speech. Ugh. I hoped I would never have to hear one of those.
“Yeah, but he will after you leave. What do you want me to tell him?” Since my parents knew about her, I figured it was only fair.
“You can tell him. I mean, he’s going to find out anyway at this point, so lying would just be silly.” And I knew he wasn’t an idiot. Stella had gotten her smarts from somewhere.
“Yup. You’re right.”
There was silence as she finished the donut and I sipped my green juice.
“So, what do you want me to tell him? That we’re seeing each other? That we’re dating?” I tried to answer, but the truth was that I didn’t know.
“I guess? I mean, for lack of a better, more accurate, term.” She nodded.
“Do you think that at some day, you might want to call what we’re doing dating? Or be up for calling yourself my girlfriend?” My heart fluttered when she said the word “girlfriend.” I wanted that. I wanted to talk about Stella as my girlfriend. I wanted to introduce her as that.
Definitely.
But was I ready for that?
Was I ready for a girlfriend and all that came with it?
I didn’t know. Not yet.
“I’ll be totally honest with you: Yes. I want that, but I don’t know if I can handle it yet. I hate being the one who’s not ready because I feel like I’m holding you back, but I don’t want to say yes, and then let you down. That would be worse.” So much worse.
She reached out and took my hand. The one that still had the polish on it that matched hers.
“I don’t want to push you or rush you into anything. I totally get it. This is all new and scary for me too. We’ll get there. Because I like you and you like me and we’re excellent at making out.” I laughed as she squeezed my hand. I never knew hand-holding could be so awesome. I mean, seriously.
Awesome.
“Cool,” I said, kissing the back of her hand.
“Want to watch a movie and hold hands?” she said and I nodded.
“Yeah.”
So we did. I scooted a little closer to her, but still with enough room that if her dad came out again, we could play it off.
I let Stella choose the movie because I didn’t really care. I just liked being with her.
She chose the newest movie with Rebel Wilson, which I was fine with because she was funny as hell. Plus, it let me watch Stella laugh a lot and that was pretty damn great too.
We held hands the whole time, even though they started getting sweaty. Stella’s dad didn’t come out, which was great. I wondered if he was hiding in there, wary of walking into something.
“Stop being so paranoid,” she whispered in my ear as my eyes flicked down the hall to look at his office door.
“I can’t help it,” I hissed back.
“Stop it,” she said and then her tongue was licking my earlobe and I stopped thinking about just about everything.
“Fuck, Stella, you have to stop. What if he comes out?” My eyes fluttered shut as she kissed down my neck. This girl was trying to kill me. In the best way possible. I’d happily die at Stella’s hands.
“But that’s the fun. The almost getting caught,” she whispered against my skin as her hand crept under the hem of my shirt. Just the barest brush of her fingertips on my stomach nearly had me losing my mind.
“Seriously, Stella.” My protests were getting weaker and weaker.
She laughed against my skin and her fingers kept working. I was dying. I was actually dying.
And then I nearly did when my phone vibrated.
“Shit,” I said, reaching for it. My parents were calling, wondering where I was. I looked at the clock and it was five after nine. They were super strict about school nights. I mean, not that they really had to be. Until now, I guess. I’d always had a curfew, but they’d never had to enforce it.
“I should go,” I said after I got off the phone with my mom. I’d told her that I was with Grace. I hated lying, but I didn’t know if she’d approve of me hanging out with Stella now.
“Okay,” she said, walking me to the door. I put my coat on and told her to say goodbye to her dad for me.
“I hate to say it, but you should probably meet him in some sort of official capacity.” She cringed as she said it.
“You’re probably right.” Meeting the parents. Big step. For any relationship.
“I’ll see you tomorrow after practice?” she asked. As if I needed a reminder.
“I hope so. Have a good night, babe.” I wasn’t sure if I could kiss her or not and then she grabbed my coat and pulled me in, capturing my lips with hers. We both kept our tongues to ourselves and the kiss was over far too soon.
“I wasn’t letting you leave without my goodnight kiss,” she said, tapping my nose.
“Bye, baby,” she said as I opened the door.
I did see Kyle the next day before she met me by my car. We just happened to be walking into the cafeteria at the exact same time. Totally unplanned. I was with Midori and a few of the girls from the squad and she was talking with Grace and Molly.
I had a brief moment of terror, but then she beamed at me and my heart did back handsprings.
“Hey,” she said, as if we did this every day. My mouth was dry so I had to swallow before I could respond.
“Hey.” Wow, amazing response. I was so good at this.
Grace and Midori were both watching us and the other girls had puzzled looks on their faces.
“Do you want to sit with us?” Midori said and I whipped around to stare at her. She just shrugged one shoulder.
“Um, thanks. We’re good,” Grace said, hiding a little smile. Kyle and I didn’t hang out with the same people. It wasn’t as if there was an impossible divide between us, but meshing our two groups didn’t seem like something that was going to happen. At least not without a reason.
“Okay,” I said, and started walking.
“Okay,” I heard Kyle say behind me.
“That was a little awkward,” Midori said in my ear. “Are you into her?” I gave her a look.
“Ohhhhhh,” she said as it dawned on her. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep my mouth shut.” We grabbed trays and got in line.
“What was that?” Courtney asked.
“What was what?” I said, trying to play it off.
“You talking to Kyle. Did anyone else get a weird vibe there, or was it just me?” Nope, wasn’t just you, Courtney. Pretty sure everyone felt it.
“We got paired up in English for a project so we’ve been talking. She’s nice,” I said, hoping that would satisfy them.
“Huh,” Courtney said and got distracted by a cute boy. As usual. Midori poked me in the back and winked. She was definitely going to want details later. Well, as many details as I could give her. There weren’t a whole lot. I bet Grace was going to do the same thing with Kyle.
What had we gotten ourselves into?
“So?” Midori said as we changed for practice. I looked around; I really didn’t want to discuss this in the locker room. Especially not while I was getting naked.
“So, what?” I said. “I don’t think this is the right venue for this discussion.” I looked around and popped my shirt over my head and switched out my bra.
Midori huffed.
“Fine. But after practice, you’re going to tell me. Because
I definitely saw something going on there,” she said in a sing-song voice.
“Shut up,” I said.
“Hey, I’m not criticizing. She’s cute. In a nerdy kind of way. Is that your type?” We were not having this conversation right now.
“I will talk to you later,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Fine, fine. But we will talk.” Guess I wasn’t getting out of that one.
She winked at me and then skipped out of the locker room while I tried to get my shit together.
Practice got cut short because one of our freshman flyers had a bad fall and needed to go to the hospital with a potentially broken wrist. Coach was beside herself and it was chaos until the ambulance came, and then she left with Macey, so the rest of us rolled up the mats and headed home.
I took my time in the locker room and so did Midori until we were the only two left.
“Okay, it’s just us,” she said after she’d walked around and made sure we were alone. I sat down on the bench and she sat facing me.
“Is she your girlfriend?” was the first question.
“Um, yes and no. We aren’t official, but I think we will be soonish. It’s still weird and new and scary so we’re taking things slow.” I was absolutely fine with that. I knew Kyle thought she was dragging her feet, but I was happy with how things were going with us. I didn’t want to rush and then fuck this up. I didn’t want my first relationship to end in complete disaster. I didn’t want to end it at all, really. But I couldn’t think that far ahead. Not yet.
“Oh my God, that is so cute! I can’t even deal with this.” I gave her a look.
“You seem more excited about this than I am.” She laughed.
“I’m just excited for you. Because I can see how much you like her. You look at her like you’re falling in love with her. If you haven’t already.” I froze.
What?
I tried to make words come out of my mouth, but I couldn’t. I was out of them.
“I wish you could see your face right now,” Midori said. She looked like she was highly enjoying this. And I was ready to slide off the bench and onto the floor.
Falling in love.
Falling.
In.
Love.
What?
I wasn’t in love with Kyle. I barely knew her. We weren’t even dating, for fuck’s sake. We’d only kissed a little. Okay, a lot. But we hadn’t even gotten close to being naked. Or anything else.
Shit.
My mind started reeling and I could tell that I was starting to hyperventilate.
“Whoa, Stella, breathe.” Midori clamped onto my hand and helped me calm down.
“I don’t know what that was,” I said, feeling cold sweat run down my back.
“I think that was you freaking out about Kyle. I’m sorry, I think I said too much.” I shook my head and swallowed a few times.
“No big. I think you just blew my mind a little. And I need to sit here alone and think for a minute. If that’s okay with you?” She got up and squeezed my shoulder, but left me alone.
One of the sinks had a leaky faucet and the dripping was driving me crazy. I got up and went to turn it all the way off and stared at myself in the mirror. My face was all shiny from sweating during practice and my hair was a mess. I pulled it out of my ponytail and then put it in a bun on the top of my head.
Like Kyle’s.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her. My fingers dug into the porcelain of the sink.
I wasn’t going to think about what Midori had said. I wasn’t going to think about the feeling I’d had when she said it. Nope. I wasn’t.
Once I’d finally gotten a grip on myself, I threw everything in my bag and headed out to my car. And froze when I remembered that Kyle was meeting me.
“Hey, what took so long? I was going to come in and make sure you hadn’t drowned in the shower or something.” She saw my face.
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” I took a breath and tried to act normally.
“Uh, yeah. One of the girls had to go to the hospital and she might have broken her wrist. So things were a little crazy.” I took the green juice with a shaking hand that I hoped she didn’t see. It was freezing, so we got in my car and I cranked the heat for her.
“Oh, I’m sorry. But you looked really freaked out.” I was. Still. Sitting next to her wasn’t helping. I realized I hadn’t kissed her, so I leaned over and gave her a peck.
Shouldn’t have done that.
“Okay, something is definitely wrong.” I shook my head. She didn’t let me get away with anything.
“I just had a talk with Midori. About us.” She groaned.
“I had one with Grace too. She wanted to know a lot of details and got . . . really personal about things. She knows way too much about what lesbians do in bed, by the way and I really don’t want to know how she knows all that.” She shuddered and I wished I could laugh.
“Yeah, Midori didn’t do that. She just . . . said some things.” I knew I was digging myself into a hole, but I didn’t know what else to do. Short of pushing her out of the car and driving away.
“Okay, babe, you’re being really vague and it’s freaking me out a little.” She turned to face me and I scrambled to figure out what to say to her.
“It’s nothing. It’s nothing.” I turned away from her, but she grabbed my face and made me look at her.
“Nope, I’m going to sit here and stare at you until you’re uncomfortable enough to tell me. So there.” I tried to get away, but she just held on.
“This is ridiculous,” I said, but she just smiled.
“It’s only ridiculous if it doesn’t work.”
“Kyle, please. I don’t want to talk about it. Please.” Her fingers stroked my cheeks.
“Oh, babe, what’s got you so rattled? I want to help. Talk to me.” Her voice pleaded and I wanted to tell her. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
I closed my eyes and tried to pull away again, but she wouldn’t let me.
“Please.” Her eyebrows drew together in concern, but she nodded.
“Okay,” she said, but I could tell she was hurt.
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice cracking. Her thumbs brushed my skin.
“It’s okay, babe. It’s okay.” She brought my face forward and kissed me. Even though I was being an asshole. Even though I was hiding something from her. She kissed me anyway.
Something major was up with Stella. I’d never seen her so freaked out. Completely freaked. She almost looked like she was going to be sick.
I wanted to know what it was, because I wanted to help her, but she closed right up and wouldn’t tell. Just like she wouldn’t tell me why she was such a bitch in front of everyone else, but not with me.
Stella had her secrets and I guess part of being with her was living with them. I could do it, because I wanted to be with her no matter what. It was a small price to pay for getting to kiss her and laugh with her and hold her hand.
She seemed like she wanted to be alone, so I left her and went home, feeling on edge. My parents asked what was wrong at dinner and I caved and told them. Not everything, but that Stella was being weird and I didn’t know what to do about it.
“Do you think someone maybe said something mean to her?” Mom asked. That had been my first thought too. And my second thought was that someone had maybe threatened her. Who knows? But I was pretty sure she’d tell me about something like that. No, this was something different. And I was pretty sure Stella would have no problem telling someone that they could shove their homophobia right up their own ass.
“She just won’t talk to me about certain things and it drives me crazy,” I said, putting my head in my hands. I sighed and looked up to find my parents giving each other one of those looks that parents did when they didn’t say anything out loud, but you could tell they were thinking the same thing. It was weird.
“Well, maybe you should give her some space? Some time? She might find that she’ll want
to come and talk to you, if you give her a little room.” I’d thought about that and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like anything that put more space between us than there already was.
“I just don’t want this to end before it’s even started.”
“Aw, honey, I’m sure it’ll work out,” Mom said. I loved that she was acting like this was just another relationship because, to her, it was.
“Girls are tough,” Dad said and I burst out laughing.
“Doesn’t make them any easier to understand being one, let me tell you,” I said. In some ways I thought it was harder.
I texted Stella once that night, telling her I was thinking of her and if she wanted to talk, I was there. She sent a goodnight message back and thanked me, but that was it. I knew I was going to see her in English the next day and I had no idea what she was going to say or what I was going to say or what the hell to do.
I made the mistake of looking online and succeeded in confusing myself and making myself more anxious about the whole thing. I stopped before I worked myself into a frenzy and tried to sleep, but it didn’t work.
My alarm rang after only a few fitful hours of sleep and I wanted to tell my mom that I was sick and stay in bed and have her skip work and fuss over me like I was a little girl again. But what if Stella decided she did want to talk and then I wasn’t there? I couldn’t risk it.
So I dragged my ass out of bed and got dressed and threw some concealer on under my eyes, grateful that my glasses distracted people from how bad my dark circles were.
I wanted to chew on my nails, but they were both still polished, which only made me think of Stella even more. To be fair, just about everything made me think of her.
She beat me to English and her head snapped up when I walked in. She looked gorgeous, as always, but I could tell she hadn’t slept well either.
“Hey,” I said, sliding into my seat next to her.
“Hey,” she said, her voice rough.
“Are you okay? I was worried about you,” I said under my breath. “I almost called you so many times.” She looked straight ahead.
“I’m sorry.”