“Sex brings out a lot of emotions. I just want you to be ready for that, but if you tell me that you are, then I believe you,” she said. Dad had let her do most of the talking, but had added his two cents here and there. I really wanted to stop talking about sex with my parents, but I sat and listened until they had talked themselves out. Then I scurried to my room to text Stella that all systems were go.
She’d also asked her dad if it was okay, and he had reluctantly agreed. It was a little weird knowing that both sets of our parents knew we were having sex. Or that we were going to. But that was the price we had to pay to be together. And in less than a year, we could do whatever we wanted.
Stella and I were still skirting the college issue, which was becoming more and more of an issue as colleges started sending reps to come and talk to us and convince us to attend their institution above the others.
I honestly didn’t care all that much. College was college, I figured and I wasn’t heading to an Ivy League, so what did it matter? Just seemed like kids went to fancy colleges so their parents could get a bumper sticker and brag in the Christmas letter.
I was going to wait until she brought it up, or there was a good time for it and I hadn’t found that yet. I didn’t want us to fight about it. We got along so well and I didn’t want to provoke an argument if I didn’t have to.
My dad is going away to a conference for the weekend she texted me the day after I’d given her the news about staying over.
You’re kidding. That’s like, perfect timing.
I know. It’s like we planned it.
I couldn’t stop the riot of butterflies that started beating their way through my stomach.
Guess I need to do some shopping . . . she texted back. I was going to die. I was going to die before she even got naked. Sex was going to kill me.
My dad definitely knew what was going to happen when he was away, but he just gave me a look and told me to be careful. I told him I would and then waited for him to leave so I could get everything ready. I hoped she would like it. I’d made dinner (buffalo chicken lasagna, avocado and tomato salad, and a double fudge cake for dessert), cleaned my room within an inch of its life, made my bed with new 100 percent cotton sheets, and gotten cute lingerie that I was wearing under my adorable pink dress.
There were also candles and I had a playlist and everything. I’d probably gone overboard, but I didn’t give a shit. I wanted this to be perfect.
An hour after my dad left, Kyle knocked on the door.
“Hey,” I said, my voice squeaking a little as I looked at her. “Oh, wow.”
She’d also put on a dress. A skintight black thing with a hint of gold shimmer. She’d also curled her hair and had mascara and red lipstick on. She was the sexiest bombshell I’d ever seen.
“Holy shit, Ky. Did you do all this for me?” She looked down at her feet. Still in black Chucks. It was so her, though.
“Yeah, and I’m freezing my ass off.” She didn’t have a coat on so I yanked her inside and she set down her backpack that presumably had a change of clothes anything else she might need.
“Well, you look hot as fuck freezing your ass off,” I said, taking her hand and twirling her around so I could see the back.
“I wish you could see how your ass looks right now,” I said and she turned back around.
“My turn,” she said, shoving my shoulder so I’d turn around. I did a little twirl for her, my skirt flaring out.
“You like?”
She stepped close to me.
“I want to eat you alive. And I mean that in every way.” I grabbed her face and we started kissing.
“I made you dinner,” I said as she started to back me up toward my room.
“Sex first,” she said.
“Okay, sure.” I completely caved and then I realized that the oven was still on so I reluctantly pulled away so I could go and turn it off.
She stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall and waiting for me.
I stepped toward her, slowly, watching her watch me.
“Give me like five minutes,” I said, brushing by her. She groaned, but nodded.
I rushed around my room and lit the candles and got the music going. Lot of Halsey on there. The first was a cover of “I Walk the Line” by Johnny Cash. It was slow and sexy and it made me think of her.
There was a knock at the door and I turned around to find Kyle in the doorway, a smile on her face.
“You didn’t have to do all this,” she said, waving her hand around the room. I walked toward her until we were only inches apart.
“I know. But I wanted to.” I leaned forward and our lips met. She tried to move things faster, but I slowed her down. There was no rush. We had all night.
One step at a time, we walked together toward my bed and sat down. I ran my fingers through her curls, loving how they felt.
“I love you so much,” she said in between kisses.
“I love you too,” I said and turned so she could unzip the back of my dress. I pulled my hair out of the way and listened to the way her breath hitched as she realized what I wanted her to do.
Her fingers trembled as she gripped the zipper and drew it down slowly. I waited for her to push the straps of the dress off my shoulders, but then I felt her lips on the back of my neck, right where my spine started. She kissed her way down my back, following the line of my zipper. When she was done, she pushed off one strap, kissing the skin she exposed before doing the same to the other shoulder.
I pulled my arms free and stood up, pushing the dress down until it hit the floor.
“You’re so beautiful, baby,” Kyle said, sounding like she was going to cry.
As for lingerie, when I’d gone shopping I hadn’t liked any of the fancy, elaborate contraptions that looked impossible to get in or out of. Instead I’d chosen a dark green silk bra and matching panties with a little lace on the edges. Simple.
Kyle stood and came to kiss me, but I stopped her.
“Now it’s my turn.”
I waited as she slowly peeled the dress off me. It got stuck a few times and we laughed.
“It’s really tight,” I said as an apology.
“I’ll cut it off if I have to,” she said, finally wrestling the dress over my head. “There.”
I’d worn a simple black cotton bra and panties. I knew I didn’t have to fancy myself up for her. She looked at me as if I was the sexiest thing she’d ever seen.
“Mmmmm,” she said, running her hands up and down my sides, making goosebumps pop up. We backed toward the bed again and lay down next to each other just kissing. I was so afraid that if I slowed down, my anxiety was going to get the best of me.
I had no idea what I was doing. Sure, I could get myself off, but I had no idea what she liked. What she needed. What if I couldn’t do it right? What if I scratched her? I’d cut my nails as short as I could get them.
“Ky. Stop thinking.” Stella was staring at me. “If you don’t want to do this, then we don’t have to. Anytime you want to stop, you tell me. Okay?” She pushed my hair away from my face.
“Aren’t you scared?” I asked.
“A little. The upside is that neither of us knows what we’re doing. And I think I’m going to enjoy finding out what you like.” She smiled and I realized I hadn’t thought of it that way.
“Oh,” I said.
“Exactly.”
Our mouths met again and I let my hands wander across her body. So much skin to touch. So many places to explore and taste and linger over.
I got her under me and did exactly that until she was quivering under me and saying my name in a way that almost made me come.
She got me back with the same treatment and then we couldn’t take it anymore and the lovely lingerie quickly ended up tossed on the floor.
I had no words for how beautiful her body was. None. I just lay there and stared at her. She was perfect.
Me, not so much. I tried to hide my leg, but she caught me.
>
“You’re beautiful, baby. You’re perfect.” She scooted down and kissed my scars. Loved on every single one. It made me want to cry and then she slithered back up my body and stopped right at nipple level. Locking eyes with me, she very deliberately licked my nipple.
“Fuck, Stella.” She laughed and then did it again. I was completely lost as she tortured one nipple and then the other until I was begging her.
“What do you want,” she said, kissing down to my navel. “Tell me what you want, baby.”
“You. I want you,” I said, running my fingers through her hair.
“I know. Where do you want me?” She kissed down a tiny bit further and I was shaking.
“I’m scared.” She stopped and rested her chin in my lower stomach.
“What are you scared of? Asking for what you want?” I nodded.
“Well, you’ll never get it if you don’t ask.” She was torturing me.
“Why are you making me do this?” I whined and she laughed at my expense.
“Because I want to hear you say it.”
I looked down at her, wondering if she was going to back down. She just lay there like she could wait forever.
“I want you to . . .” Ugh, why couldn’t I say it?
“You want me to . . .” she said, waving her hand for me to go on.
I swallowed.
“I want you to go down on me.”
She grinned.
“Oh, okay. All you had to do was ask.”
I wanted to strangle her, but then she started kissing my lower belly, moving lower and lower until I almost told her to stop. She got close. So close and then stopped. I glared down at her, but she just smiled at me.
“Patience.”
She scooted down and started from my knees up, kissing the insides of my legs, traveling further and further toward where I needed her.
My legs quivered as she settled between them and gently pushed my legs further apart.
I almost jacked off the bed as she gently kissed me at the apex of my thighs. She put a hand on my stomach to keep me still and then the real torture began.
As if she had all the time in the world, she kissed me. Licked slowly, up and down, back and forth until I didn’t know my name or what day it was or even what planet I was on. I had one hand in her hair and one gripping the blankets of the bed.
She might not have done this before, but she must have done some research because it was good. It was all good. Or at least I thought it was good until she sucked my clit into her mouth and then sneakily slid a finger inside me.
“Stella!” I gasped. “Please.” She continued to suck on my clit and move her finger in and out of me before adding another finger and then I couldn’t take it.
I came so hard I saw stars and I thought my heart exploded. It went on for so long that when it was over, I didn’t know if I was ever going to be able to move again.
“Where the fuck did you learn how to do that?” I said to the ceiling. I looked down to find her with a very satisfied grin on her face.
“Beginner’s luck.”
I was pretty proud of myself. First time going down on a girl and I made her come. I should get a star or something.
It took Kyle a little while to recover, but once she did, she attacked me and then I was the one begging and pleading.
“You don’t have to,” I said as she licked her way down my body.
“No way. I want to fuck you with my tongue and watch you come apart.” I almost lost it just from that. She still had her glasses on and it was like all my fantasies were coming true in this moment.
Whereas I’d been gentler, she showed me no mercy, but it was exactly what I needed. I barely had to give her any direction as she sucked on my clit, hard, and thrust her fingers inside me, curling them to hit the right spot. It was wild and savage and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I came so fast that I didn’t know it was happening until I was already in the middle of it.
“Oh my God, Ky.” She kissed my stomach and crawled up to kiss my mouth. I could taste both of us and it turned me on so much that I was ready to go again.
We’d gotten the first rush over with, so we slowed down. Fucked each other at the same time. Tried different positions. Some were failures, but it didn’t matter.
It was perfect and it was real.
Finally, exhaustion got the best of us and we both lay together, limbs entwined. She rested her head on my chest and I stroked her back.
“Should we try scissoring?” I said and she giggled.
“Why the hell not? I think we should try everything. I mean, not the weird stuff. You know, I saw a statistic that lesbians have the best sex lives. Better than heterosexual couples.” I kissed the top of her head.
“Not surprised. Plus, we can do so many more positions.”
Kyle’s stomach chose that second to growl and we finally decided to have dinner. I grabbed a robe and tossed Kyle a long t-shirt I wore to bed sometimes.
“I just want to see you in my clothes,” I said as she put it over her head.
“Ditto,” she said and went to get her backpack. She pulled out a baggy t-shirt and athletic shorts and threw them at me. I put them on and took off the robe.
“Better?”
“Hell, yeah.”
We’d worked up quite an appetite and we ate snuggled together on the couch, sharing one plate.
“You said we’d never feed each other,” Kyle said.
“We’re not feeding each other. We’re sharing a plate. That’s different,” I said. “We each have our own fork. That’s the difference.” She didn’t argue with me. We were both in post-orgasm haze.
“So, I made a decision,” I said, stabbing a piece of cucumber.
“About what?” she asked.
“About college.” She stared at me.
“And?”
I set my fork down.
“And I’m open to us going to the same school. Because you’re the most important thing to me. More than having a cool campus, or anything like that. And there’s nothing wrong with that.” I’d thought about it until I’d sat with the decision for several days. I didn’t get that bad feeling that I was making the wrong choice. All I felt was rightness, but I’d wanted to wait until tonight to tell her.
She took a deep breath.
“Really?”
“Really.”
She set the plate down and tackled me.
“I hope your dad doesn’t mind if I fuck you on the couch.”
I shrugged one shoulder.
“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”
“High V! Low V! T! Candlesticks! Low V!”
I was struggling to keep up with Stella’s instructions and finally messed up.
“I’m not good at this,” I said, putting my arms down. For some reason, I’d thought it was a cute idea for Stella to teach me a little about cheerleading and we were starting at the bottom with motions, which were a lot harder than they seemed.
“Oh, come on, baby, you can do it.” I pouted at her and she came over and took my bottom lip between her teeth.
“It’s hard,” I said when she broke the kiss.
“Well, how about we try something different? Lay on the grass.” It was June and we were in her backyard. Stella and I were making the most of the time we had together since we both had full time jobs to help pay for college in the fall.
I lay down and then she told me to bring my knees up.
“Now what?” I asked and then she straddled me, leaning back against my knees.
“I enjoy the view?” she said, giving me a wink.
“You’re terrible,” I said, reaching up to tickle her. She squealed and rolled off me as I gained the advantage and tickled her until she breathlessly begged me to stop.
“Now who’s on top?” I asked and she raised an eyebrow.
“You know what I mean,” I said, grinding my hips a little.
“Mmmm,” she said, holding onto my sides. “We can’
t fool around out here. The neighbors.” I looked around.
“Eh, who cares?” I leaned down and shoved my tongue in her mouth.
The sunshine poured down on us and I was so glad that we didn’t have to spend this summer saying goodbye. We’d both been accepted to the same school in Maine and were headed there in September. She’d chosen English as her major and I was still on the fence. We’d made lists, but I wanted to get to school and then figure out what I wanted. I had time.
We’d decided against rooming with one another, but our dorm rooms were only one building apart, so we’d be spending a lot of time together and maybe down the road we could get an apartment. Stella and I would figure it out. We’d already checked out the LGBTQIA organization so we could meet new people. In just a few months we’d become close with Tris and Polly and the other queer kids at school, but we were all headed in different directions next year. Still, Tris and Polly had given us an open invitation to visit them in Austin anytime and we were definitely going to do that on Spring Break.
I broke the kiss and looked down at my beautiful girl.
“I’m so glad your dad forced you to take AP English,” I said.
“Let’s not talk about my dad while we’re making out.” I snorted and watched how the light sparkled in her hair.
“Good plan.” I pushed my glasses up my nose and she sighed happily.
“I love you, Ky.”
“Love you too, baby.”
This is my first f/f book and I never thought I would be writing it. But here I am, writing the story of my heart and I wrote this book for me. I wrote this book for the girl who thought she was straight for 29 years. I wrote it for the girl who couldn’t seem to find the right boy. The girl who was so deep in denial, she was drowning in it. The girls who, at last, figured out her own truth.
I wrote this for me and there was not a minute of writing this book that was work. I loved every single second of this (not that I don’t love all writing, but some books come easier than others). This book was like breathing. And I’m so happy I got her. I’m so happy I made it to this point in my life. I’m so happy to be myself. Finally.