I hit Tumblr and then Snapchat and, for some reason, I clicked on my Messages. The last one I’d sent or received was Stella’s. Before I could tell myself that it was a bad idea, I sent her a text.
I’m not going to tell anyone. I promise. Just wanted you to know. Again.
It was totally stupid and I didn’t know what she was going to think, but I went ahead and sent it anyway. Her phone was probably off, or on silent, so I didn’t expect a response.
And then the little typing bubble popped up that told me she was responding. It went away and then popped up again. And went away. Popped up. Went away.
Just hit send. I can see you trying to figure out what to say.
What the hell was I doing? Ugh. I needed to stop this ASAP.
Don’t tell me what to do.
I snorted, because I totally read the text in her voice.
Then don’t be indecisive. Why are you even awake right now?
Her responses came quicker.
Why are you?
Texting with her is just like talking to her. Only easier because I don’t get distracted by her face and her voice.
No reason.
I could just picture her face. Perfect eyebrow arched.
Uh huh. I believe you.
The sarcasm was thick with this one.
Well, I could call you a pot or a kettle so . . .
I had a stupid grin on my face and I kinda hated it, but couldn’t stop it.
Oh, you’re so funny. I never could have come up with that one.
I heard a sound and realized I was laughing.
You know you laughed.
Did not.
Are we arguing again? Because earlier when we did that, you decided to kiss me.
She typed for a long time after I said that.
It wasn’t a kiss. Not really.
I snorted again.
Then what would you call it? Mouth-to-mouth? Because I definitely wasn’t drowning.
I could hear her sighing from here.
Shut up Kyle.
You’re the one answering me.
She answered with a middle finger emoji.
Cute.
There was another long pause.
I’m turning my phone off now.
I laughed to myself.
Ok. Go ahead.
I am.
Fine.
Fine.
She stopped answering after that. But I kept checking my phone into the wee hours of the morning. Just in case.
I got to English early the next day and was waiting and waiting for Stella to show up. She rushed in, at the last minute and for the first time, probably in her life, she looked flustered. Her hair was messy; not in its characteristic spirals. Her face was free of makeup and she had jeans and a simple t-shirt on. She sat down without looking at me, but I couldn’t stop looking at her.
Okay, so I’d pulled back when she tried to kiss me last night, but if she did it now? Looking like that?
I definitely wouldn’t have pulled away. Oh no. I would have twisted my fingers in that shirt and pulled her closer so I could feel her body against mine and OH MY GOD I NEED TO STOP LOOKING AT HER RIGHT NOW.
With a herculean effort, I tore my eyes away from Stella, who hadn’t moved her eyes from her notebook or acknowledged my presence.
Class. I was in class. We were learning . . . things. Our teacher was saying words.
But the blood that was supposed to be running my brain was going to other places and I kept crossing and uncrossing my legs. I had never been this fucking turned on during school hours. Was this how guys felt? Like, things were almost getting painful.
I was actually considering running out to my car to get some relief, but then something poked me in the arm. It came from my right, and there was only one person sitting on my right.
“You look like you’re in pain,” she hissed. It was hard for us to talk to each other without getting caught since we were in the front row, but Mr. Hurley was standing by the window on the other side of the room, waxing on about literary theory or some such bullshit. He was all caught up in it and a quick glance around the room confirmed that just about everyone else had also checked out of this particular lesson.
“I’m. Fine,” I said through clenched teeth. I so wasn’t fine.
“Don’t look fine,” she said with a bit of a sing-song.
“I. Am,” I said. She really was asking for it. I turned to glare at her, but was arrested by the sight of her makeup-free face. Freckles.
She had freckles. Just a few on her cheeks, under her eyes that looked so, so beautiful. How was it that she looked better with a totally clean face? It didn’t make sense.
I realized my mouth was open a little so I closed it. The only indication that she wasn’t totally fine too was her appearance and the tiniest hint of pink in her cheeks.
Guess I wasn’t the only one knocked off their game today.
“I think we need to talk,” I said in a low voice that only she could hear.
“Right now?” she said, a hint of irritation in her tone.
“Well maybe not right now,” I tried to say, but then she raised her hand and said that she had to go to the bathroom. She tossed a meaningful look over her shoulder and I got the hint. But I couldn’t say that I also had to go, because that would be way too obvious. So it was time to embarrass myself in the name of talking with Stella.
“Ow! Oh my god!” I yelled out, clutching my bad leg and effectively putting a stop to the lecture.
Mr. Hurley rushed over and knelt down. Every now and then I had nerve pain, so this had happened before. But never this dramatic. I was laying it on thick.
“Is it your leg? Do you need to be excused?” he said as everyone else stared and whispered and made suggestions and some muttered words that weren’t very nice. Fuck them. I didn’t care.
“Yes, I think so,” I said, biting my lip and hoping he believed me. It was kind of awful to take advantage like this, but I needed to get out of this class and have things out with Stella. We hadn’t gotten anything out last night via our text messages. Now she couldn’t run away from me and we could figure this shit out.
“You’re excused. I’ll email you tonight with everything you’ve missed. Go see the nurse.” And with that, I gathered up my things and limped (harder than normal) out of the room and then resumed my regular walk. I was headed toward the bathroom when a hand reached out and yanked me into a corner shielded by a wall of lockers. We’d be pretty safe here until the bell rang in a few minutes.
“Hey, watch it,” I said, yanking my arm back. She put both palms up in surrender.
“You were the one who wanted to talk. So. Talk.” She crossed her arms and I tried not to stare at her chest. Somehow it was even more on view in the tight t-shirt. I could just see the line of her bra through the fabric.
Definitely not the point. I pulled my gaze up to her face. Those freckles. Those freckles.
“We need to talk about it. Whatever it was. I promised not to tell anyone, but I’m going to need an explanation. Because . . . what the fuck, Stella?” That was the only thing I could come up with. “I mean, did I give you some sort of signal that I wanted to kiss you or . . .” I trailed off. Oh. God. She knew. She must know. I’d been too obvious.
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.
“No! No,” Stella said the second no more quietly. Her arms uncrossed and she twisted her fingers together and looked at the floor. I’d never seen her look so . . . vulnerable.
“I don’t know why it happened. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” She sounded small. And scared. I knew the feeling. My stomach was flipping all over the place and I almost had the urge to hug her. Just gather her in my arms and let her rest her head on my shoulder. I wanted to do that. I really wanted to do that.
“Do you? I mean, are you . . .” I couldn’t finish.
“Did I try to kiss you because I like you and I’m a big fat dyke?” I flinched at her words. “Do
n’t flatter yourself.”
“Uh, okay, then what was it?” Because generally, you only kiss people because you want to kiss them. Because you want your mouth and their mouth to touch as a sign of affection. I mean, I didn’t have a lot of kiss experience, and none with another girl, but I was pretty sure that was how things worked.
She tossed her hands in the air and a few wisps of hair floated around her face.
“I don’t know! God.”
“Jesus, I’m not interrogating you. I just want to know what was going through your head,” I said, trying to use a calm tone. She looked on the verge of flipping out.
“I . . . It was just . . .” She clamped her teeth down on her bottom lip and shook her head.
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“What would I understand?” I asked gently. She shifted her feet; ready to bolt.
“You just wouldn’t, okay?” she snapped.
“Try me.” I was both curious and freaked out to hear what she had to say. Because I was pretty sure I understood exactly what she was talking about and what she’d been thinking because I had been thinking the same thing about her. There was no denying it now.
I liked Stella. I really, really liked her and if she kissed me again, I’d kiss her back. I would so kiss her back.
I shouldn’t have left the classroom, but I had to get out. She was looking at me in a way that made me want to drag her out to my car and throw her in the backseat. She was still sort of doing it, actually.
I mean, I was a total hot mess, but I guess that worked for her?
I kept telling her that she wouldn’t understand why I tried to kiss her, but I wasn’t getting that vibe now. I was getting a completely different vibe that made my cheeks flush and my skin too tight.
I’d already told her that I didn’t want to kiss her because I was into her, which was the biggest lie ever.
I liked her a lot, but I had no idea if I could trust her. She could just as easily turn on me and I couldn’t handle that. I stood there, weighing the risks as she waited. She tilted her head to the side just a little and it was so unbearably cute.
“Come on,” she said, lifting her chin.
“Come on what?” I said.
“Come on,” she said, backing up and heading toward the door. All of my stuff was still in English, except for my purse, which was in my locker.
“Okay,” I said. This was either the best decision I was ever going to make, or the worst.
Time would tell.
I followed Kyle out of the building, after a brief stop at my locker. We didn’t say much until we were in the parking lot, presumably headed toward her car.
She stopped and unlocked the door with the press of a button on her keychain.
“Get in,” she said, but it wasn’t a command. It was more a question.
I looked over my shoulder toward the school. The minute I got in this car, things were going to change. They already had. They had the second I’d signed up for AP English. That first day that I looked at her and felt something new and hot swirling inside me.
I got in.
Kyle didn’t turn the radio on and the car was terribly quiet.
“Where are we going?” I finally asked.
“You’ll see,” she said. That was it.
“If you’re going to take me out to the woods and strangle me, I’d like to inform you that I’ve taken several self-defense classes and I think I could take you.” For a moment, she took her eyes off the road and gaped at me.
Then she laughed. Such a surprised and delighted sound that it made little things in my chest start fluttering.
“You’re adorable,” she said when she was done, a smile lingering on her face.
“Am I?” I asked.
She sighed.
“Yes. You are. It’s driving me crazy.” I froze. I stopped breathing and thinking and I was pretty sure my heart stopped for a moment.
“I drive you crazy?” I asked in a small voice.
She pressed her lips together and her face flamed up. I didn’t think she was going to answer.
“Just a little,” she said with a wry twist of her lips. “Just a little bit, Stella.” I wasn’t sure what to say to that, so I didn’t say anything.
Kyle kept driving and I kept stealing glances at her. Maybe more than glances. I wanted to lay in a flower-filled field and stare at her skin as shadows and sunlight played across it.
Ugh, I wanted to punch myself in the face for that thought. I was making myself sick.
I shouldn’t have gotten into this car, but here I was and we were headed somewhere and . . . I had no idea what was going to happen.
I didn’t like Kyle being in control. I didn’t like anyone being in control of my life but me, ever.
“I don’t trust you,” I said.
“Oh, I’m sure you don’t trust anyone. Even yourself.” Ouch. She’d hit too close to home on that one.
“Shut up,” I said. Brilliant response. She laughed a little.
“You don’t like it when other people figure things out about you either.”
“Just stop talking.” I was getting more and more irritated and annoyed.
“I never should have gotten in this stupid car with you. I have no idea why I did,” I said, crossing my arms.
“But you did, Stella. You did get in the car and now here we are.”
Here we were.
“And also, here we are,” she said, stopping the car.
We’d arrived at the lighthouse. I’d been here before on class trips and so forth, but not in the fall. In the summer the parking lot was be jammed with tourists, but now there were just a few cars here and there.
And us.
“Come on,” she said again. And again, I did what she said. We both got out and I wrapped my arms around myself because it was always chillier on the coast than inland.
“Here,” Kyle said, handing me a sweatshirt. I gave her a look, but she just shoved it at me. Reluctantly, I put it on. And almost passed out because it smelled like her. The sleeves were a bit too long, so I rolled them up. Kyle coughed and I turned to find her staring at me, her face red.
“It . . . it looks good on you,” she said, looking at the gravel parking lot.
“Thanks,” I said. “So should we . . . ?” She nodded and we walked, not toward the lighthouse, which stood like a tall white sentry protecting boats from the ravages of the rocks below, but toward those rocks.
A portion of them jutted out into the ocean, like granite fingers. Kyle and I picked our way down and headed toward the water, but not too close. One nasty fall could send you tumbling into the water, and you probably wouldn’t make it out alive. The water rushed and smashed against the rocks, as if it had a vendetta against them.
I could understand that anger.
Kyle and I sat on a rock that was far enough away from the water that we wouldn’t get sprayed, but close enough that we were surrounded by the rushing sound and it felt a little bit dangerous. As if we were on the edge of something dark and all-consuming that didn’t care about us and our problems.
“Why did you bring me here?” I asked, pushing my hair back. It kept blowing in my face. Kyle reached into her pocket and pulled out a hair tie, handing it to me without a word. I tried to pull my hair back like hers, but I could feel that it didn’t look half as good.
“Not sure. I just always come here when I need to think about something. I know it’s cliché, but I don’t care. Hashtag deep-thoughts.” I laughed a little and she looked at me.
“This is kind of crazy, isn’t it?” she asked.
“Yeah, you could say that.” She scooted a little bit closer to me. Our legs were almost touching.
“Do you? I mean, you kissed me because you wanted to. And I freaked out. And I’m assuming you think it was because I didn’t want you to kiss me,” she said, tracing a black vein in the rock we sat on.
I couldn’t move. If a wave came right then, it would sweep me away and I wouldn
’t move to get out of its way. The ocean churned and I waited for her to continue.
She didn’t.
“Did you want me to kiss you?” My words were so soft, they were almost lost to the noise surrounding us.
Her response was even quieter, but I would have heard it in a room with a thousand other voices.
“Yes.”
We stared at one another and something crackled between us. And then I was leaning forward and she was leaning forward and our mouths were meeting. We both initiated it this time and the brush of Kyle’s lips over mine didn’t stop. Didn’t end.
It was delicate, hesitant. She shook just a little. A whisper against my mouth, but we both waited. Held onto that moment.
It was unlike any other kiss I’d ever had and I melted into her. One of my hands slipped up to cup her cheek and the other wound around the back of her neck. Her hands were on me too, but not to push me away.
To pull me closer.
Her mouth opened and her tongue darted out to tease the seam of my lips. It was sweet and a little aggressive at the same time and I moaned in the back of my throat because hell, she tasted so good. Completely different than kissing anyone else.
Our tongues touched so carefully and then something ignited and we were devouring one another. Her nails dug into my skin and the little jolt of pain made it even better. She stole my breath and my lungs ached, but I couldn’t stop.
Kyle could. She pulled away and I opened my eyes to see hers. Behind her glasses, her eyes were green. So green.
Beautiful.
“Wow,” she breathed over my lips and I almost reached out to capture her mouth again.
I couldn’t talk.
“So that’s what it’s like to kiss a girl,” she said, moving her face away and studying me. Her lips were a little red and her cheeks were flushed.
I could stare at her forever.
“Stella, can you say something? I really need to know what you’re thinking right now.” I opened my mouth and then licked my lips. They tasted like her. I shuddered and gathered myself.
“I don’t know what I’m thinking, Kyle. I have no idea. All I can think about is that I want to kiss you again.”