CHAPTER 22
"What about Seth?" I asked stiffly. I waited then for the shouts, for the accusations. Any of them would have been understandable. What I didn't expect were tears building up in her eyes.
"I think. . . I think something's wrong. I think he's trying to let me down easy or something. "
"Why would you think that?" I channeled Grace and Mei, keeping my face as still and expressionless as theirs.
"He's just. . . I don't know. He's been so distracted lately. "
"Seth's always distracted. You know how he is with his books. "
"Yeah, I know. And it drives me crazy sometimes. " I remembered her disappointment at Casey's party. "But this is something different, I can feel it. Only, I don't know what it is. He's not around much, and when he is, it's like he's with me but not with me. He always says nothing's wrong, but it doesn't feel right. And we haven't. . . "
"Haven't what?" I asked, guessing the answer.
A deep pink blush blossomed on her cheeks. "We haven't been having sex. Each time I even kind of suggest it, he's just not. . . well, he doesn't really seem into it. "
Talking about their sex life was one of the most painful conversation topics I could imagine, short of her realizing I was to blame for its problems. So, I kept up with my pokerfaced therapist mode.
"How long has it been going on?"
"About a week. "
Yup, that made sense. That was right around the time my stasis had begun. Here I'd been expecting Maddie to come after me, to pick up on one of the covert looks Seth and I had shared. But she hadn't. It had never even crossed her mind to suspect me of anything duplicitous. In fact, she'd come to me for help because I was one of the few people she trusted with something like this.
And that made it all the worse when I had to lie to her. In any other situation, I would have advised a friend to take control of her relationship, to corner her man and not be used. And maybe. . . maybe I should have. If I advised her to break up with Seth, that would clear the way for us. Did I want that again? I didn't know. I still wasn't thinking past the day I would turn into a succubus again. I was living irresponsibly, focusing on the now, and continued that here with Maddie.
My next words were spoken so winningly, so convincingly that there was no way she could ever think I didn't have her best interests at heart. I might have been relying on my succubus abilities to smooth my hair all this time, but charming and persuading people was a core part of my personality. She never stood a chance.
"A week?" I gave her a gentle smile. "That's not very long. You can't really base a major crisis on that yet-especially when you consider who you're dealing with. I mean, like you said, you've seen him get so busy with work that he cancels or even forgets things, right?"
"Yeah," she said, sniffling in a continued attempt to keep back her tears. "It's just never been like this. I don't know. I've never had a serious relationship. I don't know how it's supposed to work. "
"You guys have only been going out for, like, four months. It takes longer than that to really get to know someone's patterns. " With a pang, I realized she and Seth had dated longer than he and I had. "This may be one you've got to get used to. He's probably stressed, and sex is the last thing on his mind-as hard as that is to believe. Give him some time. If it keeps happening, then it might be time to worry. But it's too soon now. "
I could tell by her face that my words had given her hope. "Yeah. . . you're probably right. But. . . do you think. . . do you think I'm doing something wrong? Should I do something different? Act differently? Dress sexier?"
Oh God. I so did not want to be advising Maddie on how to seduce Seth. "Well. . . I wouldn't worry about any of that quite yet. Overthinking it'll just stress you out more. Just wait a little bit. If something's on his mind, it may take him some time to work through it. "
She'd defeated her tears and now adopted a resolute look. "Sometimes I don't know if I'm fooling myself, like that I'm just caught up in my first big romance. But, seriously, some days, I feel like I've found the one. Like if he wanted to run off right now, I'd do it. " The love on her face was like a bullet through my heart. "If something's wrong, I want to help him through it. "
"I know, I know, but you still don't know what 'it' is. If it's a writing thing, he's got to work it out. If it's something else. . . well, I'm sure he'll come talk about it when he's ready. "
Her dark eyes were contemplative, looking at me without seeing me while she processed all of this. "You're probably right," she said at last. She gave me a small, rueful smile and shook her head. "God, I feel kind of stupid. Look at me. Some kind of champion for strong women, huh? Did I mess up my makeup? And oh God, did I really just ask that?"
"No, it's fine. And you're not stupid. Your feelings are normal. " I stood up, needing to get out of here. The room was making me claustrophobic. I had to get away from her, away from her trust. "I'm going to go do a sweep. They should be opening any minute. "
She rose as well and ran a hand over her eyes one last time. "Yeah, I've got things to do too. Thanks for listening to me. " Before I could open the door, she gave me a small, fierce hug. "I'm glad you're my friend. "
With that, she left to tend to her work. Meanwhile, I wished a hole would open on the floor and swallow me up. I almost wished Nanette would show up and end my misery. Thankfully, I only had two hours until I was meeting Roman. Then I'd be free of this misery and self-loathing that Maddie was unknowingly stirring up in me. But if I'd hoped store business would prove a distraction, I was wrong. A half-hour later, an errand to the caf¨
brought me face-to-face with Seth.
He sat at a table with his laptop and looked up as though he could sense that I was nearby. He smiled, and my heart raced. I smiled back before I could stop myself. He looked like he wanted me to come over, yet I worried about attracting attention or tipping others off. Of course, it might actually look more suspicious if I didn't talk to him, I realized. Long ago, it was perfectly common for me to stop by and chat with him. No one had ever perceived it as anything more than friendly banter.
So, after dropping off some books, I strolled over and sat across from him. "Hey," I said, feeling warm under his gaze.
"Hey," he replied. "You look beautiful today. "
I glanced down and laughed. Along with my limited wardrobe, I was also discovering that not doing laundry decreased my clothing options even further. I was in jeans and a plain black T-shirt today, and my hair had been lucky to get a quick brushing, let alone any real styling. I'd overslept and figured beachcombing didn't require much primping anyway.
"Liar," I said. "I practically rolled out of bed this morning. "
"You forget that I've seen you in just about every state imaginable. You don't have to have every detail primped and perfect. You're beautiful even when you're disheveled. Sometimes more so. "
"Hey! Are you saying I'm disheveled now?"
"No, you're somewhere in the middle of primped and disheveled. And you still look beautiful. "
I received compliments all the time, but from him, they were golden and wonderful. Even the smallest ones. "And you," I said, "seem to try to be disheveled. "
He ran a hand over his slightly messy hair. I think his intent was to smooth it, but he only mussed it further. "People spend fortunes on hair gel to get this look, you know. "
"And fortunes on shirts like that," I said, gesturing to his vintage Ovaltine T-shirt. "There are collectors who'd pay a lot of money for that on eBay. "
"I am one of those people. "
I laughed. "There's a treasure trove of T-shirts waiting for you in Vancouver, you know. I kept seeing them and thinking of you. "
With each moment that passed, I fell further and further into that electric, consuming connection between us. Love for him filled me, made me feel complete. Leaving him would have been agonizing just then, and I saw a similar sentiment for me on his face. I'd sat down, feeling gui
lty and conflicted over Maddie, but once I was with him. . . well, it was selfish and horrible, but I couldn't help but stay. And honestly, it became hard for me to fret too much over her feelings because I was too caught up in my own for him. I wanted him. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted him to love me. And yet, I knew as soon as I left the table, I'd feel bad about her again. There was no way this could end well.
"Do you have any more trips scheduled up there?" He lowered his voice, the flirty look now gone and replaced by concern.
"No, I think I'm done with my international travel. I've just got to figure out things here now. . . or, well, they'll be figured out for me in another day or so. Things are going to return to normal with or without Jerome soon. "
His expression grew troubled, and he glanced away from me to stare out the window. We'd both known the inevitable was coming from the beginning, yet neither of us had been able to talk about it then. It looked like we still couldn't talk about it now. There were a million things we should be discussing, but all we could think about was each other. All we wanted was each other. We'd spent so much of our time with boundaries between us that now that there were none, we just wanted to childishly lose ourselves in our longings and not think about the consequences-even though the consequences would be catching up with us any day now.
"Well," Seth said finally. "I just hope you stay safe. Are you any closer to finding him?"
I hesitated. Roman had told me not to trust anyone. I was pretty sure that Seth wasn't going to go run off to any demons in the area and report what I said. I also suspected, however, that Seth wouldn't be happy to find out Roman was in my life again, no matter how altruistic Roman claimed to be right now. Seth wouldn't trust him. Hell, I didn't trust him.
"I've got a few promising leads," I said finally. I thought about Grace. "Some more promising than others. . . I'm just not sure if I can do anything with them. "
"Still traipsing beaches? Do you need me and Kayla again?"
"I thought she had something going on. . . "
The look on his face said he would do anything for me. "Yeah, but if you really needed her, I could try to pull some strings. If you wanted. "
Oh, did I. A pleasant, aching yearning gathered in my chest. There was nothing I'd love more than to spend another afternoon with the two of them, even if it was searching for rocks. It had let me indulge in the illusion of being a family.
"No, I'm fine. " Reluctantly, I let the image go. As much as I wanted to be with them again, Roman was the better partner on my hunts now. I would rather put him at risk than Kayla, and anyway, he was more likely to be able to know what to do if we actually found what we were looking for. I glanced at the clock. "In fact, I need to finish up my work here. My shift's over soon, and I can't be late. "
Seth's face was a mixture of worry and disappointment. "No lunch, huh?"
I couldn't be certain, but I suspected lunch with him would have involved both food and sex in some surreptitious location. Damn. I wanted both.
Sadly, I shook my head. "I wish I could. . . but this comes first. I'm sorry. " For half a second, I remembered Maddie in the office, so sad and heartbroken. I even thought about Dante and his compulsive spending. If I had any scrap of morality left in my damned soul, I'd tell Seth that we needed to end this, right now. But like every other time I'd told myself that, I never listened. "Maybe. . . maybe tonight, though. . . "
Roman and I would be done searching. Dante might be around, but well. . . I'd deal with that later. I felt confident I could dodge any plans he might want to make. Details like that didn't matter. Only being alone with Seth again did. How could being around him affect me like this?
He nodded, as eager as me. "Call me when you're free. "
I started to joke that I'd never be free, but that wasn't what he'd meant. Standing up, I hoped I looked like I was leaving a platonic conversation and that I wasn't actually struggling with the temptation to kiss him good-bye. We stared at each other for a few heavy moments, and with his eyes, Seth said a million things, both sweet and indecent. Walking away, I was certain that anyone who'd seen us would instantly realize what was going on-but no one seemed to be paying attention to us.
My shift wound down rapidly after that, and as I walked home afterward, I heard invisible footsteps walking along with me. "I know you're there," I said under my breath. I didn't want anyone thinking I was crazy. "Glad to see your voyeur ways haven't changed. "
My car was parked behind my building today, and as I rounded the corner onto a quiet block, Roman materialized beside me. He looked gorgeous, smug, and dangerous. The usual.
"I hope you had an entertaining time following me around. " I took my keys out.
"You should be a reality show," he said. "It's that good. And you know, I might be a totally unstable former assassin, but man. You manage to shock even me. "
"Oh, be quiet," I snapped. I unlocked the car doors and slid into the driver's side. "Your snarky commentary is neither wanted nor appreciated. "
"It's not commentary. It's me thinking aloud. It has nothing to do with you, really, nor does it require any response on your part. "
"This is it, isn't it?" I asked, pulling out of the parking spot. "This is why you aren't going to kill me. You're going to just torture me for the rest of eternity. Long suffering, right?"
He grinned, flashing perfect white teeth against his tanned skin. It triggered a memory in me, how I'd once found that so attractive. Now, though, my fear and unease blocked any sort of desire.
"I suppose that's one way of looking at it. And besides, don't act like there isn't some part of you that secretly enjoys playing this eternally woeful, tormented role. If you were happy, you wouldn't know what to do with yourself. "
"That's not true. " I was surprised to feel myself blushing. "Stop trying to fuck with me. "
"I'm just intrigued, that's all. You wear this mask of moral superiority. So does Mortensen. Yet, here you two are, sneaking around. "
"You don't understand. We're in love. " The wry look Roman gave me immediately made me regret my words.
"Oh, I understand. Believe me, I do. " I kept my eyes on the road. He had once told me he loved me, and I'd thrown it back in his face. "If you guys were so in love, why'd you break up in the first place? You were fawning all over each other the last time I saw you. "
"For a lot of reasons," I mused. "It's complicated. "
"It always is. "
I sighed. Edmonds was about twenty five minutes away. This was going to be a long drive.
"Well, not that it's any of your business, but I mean, there were a lot of things going on. We were having communication problems, for one thing. "
"How terribly mundane. "
"And I was starting to freak out-you know, about how he could die. I didn't think I could handle that. " I waited for Roman's snide response to that, but there was none. "And, of course. . . I mean, there was always sex. I wouldn't do it. I couldn't stand the thought of stealing part of his life away. Our love wasn't dependent on sex. . . but well, it still muddled things up. "
"And now you have no problem with sex. "
"Because I can't hurt him now! Look, I can't help the timing-or the fact that we still care about each other. "
"Or the fact that each of you have significant others. " Now I stayed silent. Roman tipped his head back against the seat thoughtfully. "In all my observations this week, I've got to admit, I like Maddie. "
"I like her too," I said quietly.
"But that guy you're dating? Well, I think you can do better. "
"I'm almost starting to wish you'd kill me. "
"Oh, I've thought about it," he said. To my dismay, the joking was gone from his voice.
Again, I refused to look at him. "I'm sorry. . . about Helena. I never meant for that to happen. "
Roman gave a laugh that sounded like it choked him. "Oh? What did you think would happen, then? A slap on the wrist?
I survived it, and I was still in pretty bad shape. "
"You said you were going to kill Carter. And I didn't know who else you'd go after," I said quietly. "I didn't know what else to do. There was no easy option for me. "
"There would have been if you'd really loved me like you said you did," he replied bitterly. "And I told you I'd leave the rest of them alone. "
"It was too late when you told me that. By then, I'd already called for help. " I didn't add that in a way, I really had loved him. It had been different from the way I loved Seth, but it had been love nonetheless.
"Well, whatever. It's not relevant now. Finding Jerome is what's important. " Out of the side of my eye, I saw him study my profile. "Of course, I'm surprised you've been so eager. . . it's going to put an end to your little affair. "
"It's going to come to an end anyway. I'd rather have Jerome in my life afterward than some other demon. " In my mind, I could see Seth's kind eyes and gentle smile. I could almost feel the way his hands touched my body. "I'll have the memories, at least. They'll stay with me. "
"Memories. " Roman shook his head. "How the hell can someone who fucks random men for a living be such a romantic idiot?"
I didn't answer that, and the rest of our drive contained little conversation. The place we were going to in Edmonds was another park. Funny, I thought, that humans kept sectioning off these magical places and preserving them. I wondered if they sensed that power on some inherent level. I'd read up a little on this park and how it had some significance to Native Americans in the area. Surely that was promising. It was a small beach flanked by a woodsy area with picnic tables. Children ran around while their mothers watched.
"This place isn't very strong," said Roman, once we were out of the car. "There's a little magic in the earth but not much. I can't imagine they'd hide Jerome here-they'd want a lot more to mask it. "
I refused to let that drag me down. "We have to look. We don't know anything for sure. "
The park wasn't huge. I suspected it would take us less time to search it than it would to drive back. Just as we'd stepped out of the parking lot, my cell phone rang. I didn't recognize the number. "Go on without me," I told Roman. When I answered, the voice was no one I recognized.
"Is this Letha, also known as Georgina Kincaid?"
I grimaced. Only high-up hellish employees called me by my original name. "Yes. "
"This is Ephraim, from Internal Affairs. " The demon's voice was clipped and hurried, giving the impression that I was the one who'd called him and interrupted something. I found it amusing that he'd called me rather than speak in person. More efficient, I guessed.
I sat down at a picnic table. "What can I do for you?"
"Nothing, I'm sure. But I've been instructed to interview all lesser immortals in the area about The Jerome Situation. " I could hear the capitalized letters in his voice, kind of like The Manhattan Project. "First, I'd like to know where you were when Jerome disappeared. "
"On my way to Canada. Jerome had been lending me out to help Cedric. "
There was a moment's pause. "My records say that Cedric was in Seattle when Jerome disappeared. "
"Well, when I left, Cedric was still up there, yeah. But then when the Army of Darkness did their thing on the Space Needle, I called Cedric because I figured he'd want to know. I thought that was when he came down here. "
"Did you say Army of Darkness?"
"Um, yeah. It's this cult in Vancouver that was doing embarrassing things. "
"Ah. The ones with the spray paint. "
"Yup. I'd been helping Cedric with them, and when he heard they were down here, I guess he came to talk to Jerome and do some damage control so Jerome wouldn't think he'd sent them. "
"Your information's incorrect. Cedric never met with Jerome. "
"What?" I frowned, thinking back to my conversation with Kristin. I'd asked if Cedric had come to talk to Jerome, and while she'd confirmed that he'd been down here, she hadn't mentioned them actually speaking.
"When Cedric came, Jerome was already missing. He and Mei attempted to find him, and when the lesser immortals began showing the effects of the summoning, we knew what had happened. " Ephraim's words were still brisk. Clearly, he had no interest in discussing what he already knew.
I was close to something here-so, so close. Had Jerome been summoned before Cedric arrived? That would rule him out as the summoner. Of course, if Ephraim had received his information from Cedric, then it could have been a lie. Maybe Cedric was being framed. Maybe he'd actually been here the exact moment Jerome was summoned. Mentioning Mei meant that she had probably corroborated Cedric's story. Which meant what, exactly? Was she in on this too? I knew Grace was involved already. It was possible Mei and Cedric were working with her, but that meant three demons were in the conspiracy now. There was only one reward in Seattle, and I couldn't see how they'd all benefit. Getting a large group of demons to organize was hard. Getting them to do it when it offered no advantage for all of them? Impossible.
Ephraim was eager to get back on track. He asked me a few more questions about Jerome's disappearance and a bit about my day-to-day affairs. He never asked for my opinion about who should replace Jerome or what I thought of other demons. That wasn't particularly surprising, however. As my friends and I had discussed, our input probably wouldn't play a large role here.
I hung up and went to find Roman. I expected him to have practically finished the search, but instead, I found him playing ball with some kids over in a clearing near the trees. They were pretty little, and there wasn't much to the game. Mostly everyone stood in a circle and tossed the ball back and forth. Roman's throws were gentle and carefully aimed so as to make it easy for the kids to catch the ball. I stood off to the side, watching them in wonder. He actually seemed pretty into it, and the oddity of a sociopathic half-angelic bastard playing with small children wasn't lost on me.
Roman caught sight of me watching them and tossed the ball over to a little girl. He left the circle to approach me, much to the dismay of the kids left behind. They entreated him to stay, but he merely waved and told them he had to go.
"Maybe we can come back later," he said jovially.
"I can't decide if that was cute or creepy," I told him. "Maybe a little of both. "
"Why creepy? I only kill immortal beings. Not kids. "
"The fact that you just said all that with a straight face is proof enough. " I gestured around. "Did you check this place out?"
"Nope. Didn't want to steal the fun from you. Who was on the phone?"
We started walking along the beach, and I recapped what Ephraim had told me. "I almost told him what I knew about Grace," I admitted.
"No, better that you didn't," said Roman. "We still need more information. "
"We're running out of time," I grumbled. "There's not much more info we can get. And there's something there. . . something weird about the day Jerome was summoned. I just can't-" I froze, staring off down the beach. "Roman. Look. "
He followed my gaze. There, near a trash can, was a patch of small, rough rocks mixed in with the sand. Gray and white. I ran off down the beach, ignoring the sand filling my shoes. Holy shit. After all these fruitless searches, after relying on all these sketchy half-assed clues, we'd actually found something. We'd found Jerome, and not a moment too soon.
Ignoring the looks of some startled kids, I knelt down near the rocks and began pushing them aside, digging through the sand. I realized then I should have brought a spade or something. A few moments later, Roman arrived and stood over me.
"Well, what are you doing?" I demanded. "Help me. "
"He's not here, Georgina. "
"He has to be! We're near salt water. There's sand. There's white stones. For the rest of the seal's camouflage to work, he's buried here somewhere. "
"I can't sense anything. He's not here. "
The rocks were cutting my hands as I dug, and I felt tears st
inging my eyes. Until that moment, I didn't realize just how horribly and truly afraid I'd been of Jerome not returning. My time as a succubus had been filled with upheaval. I liked the small piece of tranquility I'd carved out here in Seattle. I didn't want that to change. I couldn't let it change, not after everything else I'd been through recently.
"The whole point of the seal imprinting its magic was to mask Jerome's prison! Of course you wouldn't feel it. "
"The seal hides it from anyone not actively seeking it. I am, and I'm telling you it's not here. "
"Maybe it's because you're not strong enough. "
With a sigh, Roman knelt down behind me. "Georgina, stop. "
"Damn it! He has to be here!"
Roman reached from behind me and grabbed my arms. I struggled, but he was too strong. "Georgina, enough. Jerome isn't here. The only thing unusual about this spot is the smell from the garbage can. I'm sorry. "
I struggled against him a little bit more and finally gave up. Apparently feeling certain I wouldn't fight anymore, Roman released me. I turned and looked at him, swallowing back my tears. "This was our last chance," I said softly. "We don't have any time left. "
Roman studied me with his sea-green eyes. I saw no anger or threat on his face, only compassion. "I'm sorry. And you don't know for sure that it's too late. "
"Ephraim will finish his assessment anytime now. And where are we going to go next? The Olympic Peninsula? Wenatchee? Hitting places at random was one thing when they were in our backyard. These others are too far away. We choose the wrong one, and that's it. Game over. We won't have time for anything else. "
"I'm sorry," he repeated. From his face, I could see that he spoke the truth. "I want to find him as much as you do. "
I stared beyond him out at the blue-gray water and the circling gulls. "Why? Why do you want to find someone who tried to kill you?"
Roman smiled. "Why do you cling to a romantic ideal when everything in your life has pretty much shown you that it's impossible?"
I think he'd spoken rhetorically and seemed surprised when I dragged my eyes from the water to look at him and answer. "Because of a dream. "
He arched an eyebrow. "What dream?"
I took a deep breath, and like that, the images flashed through my mind, just as vivid and real as they'd been the first time. "Awhile ago. . . Nyx was here. "
He looked startled. "What, the mother of time and chaos?"
"Yeah. Long story. "
"What is it about this city?"
"Beats me. Anyway, she was preying on my energy and distracting me by sending me these dreams. They were so real, Roman. You can't even imagine. " My voice was small as I spoke. "I was washing dishes in a kitchen, and 'Sweet Home Alabama' was playing. In the other room, there was this little girl sitting on a blanket. She hurt herself, and I came in there to comfort her. She was maybe two or three, and she was mine . My daughter. Not someone else's. Not adopted. The daughter of my body. Aubrey was there too and this tortie and-"
"A what?"
"A tortie. A tortoiseshell cat. " I waited, but his expression was still blank. "It's like a calico, but without any white. Just brown and orange patches. How can you be millennia old and not know that?"
"Because I don't subscribe to Cat Fancy magazine. And I can't believe you remember things like cat breed and background music. "
"It was so real," I said quietly. "More real than my own life. I remember everything. "
Whatever snarky retort was on his lips disappeared, and he turned serious again. "I'm sorry I interrupted. So, what happened then? With you, the girl, and the cattery?"
"We were just all there together, warm and happy. Then a car pulled up outside, and I carried the girl out to look. A man was getting out, and he was the one . My lover, my husband, her father. The one my life centered around. "
"Who was he?" Roman asked, face intent.
I shook my head. "I don't know. I couldn't see his face. It was dark out, and it was snowing. I just know that I loved him, and that he and the girl completed my life. "
Roman didn't answer right away as he turned my words over. "But it was a dream. "
"I don't know. Nyx can show the future. . . she showed others theirs. She claimed this was mine, but it's impossible. I can't have any of that. And yet. . . "
". . . and yet, you secretly hope it might be true. "
"Yeah. And when this whole stasis thing happened, I thought maybe. . . "
Again, Roman completed my words. ". . . maybe it could be true. After all, you could suddenly touch Seth. Maybe you could have a kid too?"
He'd guessed my secret hope. "I didn't know. I still don't. Maybe I can get pregnant. I mean, my body is kinda sorta human, right?"
"Yes. But not enough. I don't know every detail of this whole demonic hierarchy and the way they channel their powers, but I know you can't have kids. Even if you seem human, you're still immortal. You still belong to Hell. I'm sorry. "
I held his eyes for a moment and then looked down. "Well. I guess I can't really be surprised by that, huh? And I have no reason to trust Nyx anyway. Not after what she did. "
There it was. No kids. Another piece of the dream had slipped away from me. All I had left was the faceless man, the man I wanted to be Seth, and even that seemed unlikely now.
Roman tugged me up. "Come on. Let's head back before the rain comes. We'll get some ice cream. Maybe that'll cheer you up. "
"I'm not really sure ice cream can fix my failed hopes and dreams or an impending demonic takeover. "
"Probably not. But it'll help. "