She waved his comment off like it was nothing. "I'm not worried about Joe. She dates when she wants to. When she's ready to settle down she will."
Eric gaped at her. "How exactly is that different from what I'm doing?"
"Because you, my baby boy, have never had a steady girlfriend." She held up her hand to stop his protests. "Beth doesn't count, sweetie. You dated for maybe a month before you got engaged and then were together for another two weeks and I don't think I heard or saw you treat even her anything other than just a friend. You keep all your relationships casual, sweetie. It's past time you had a serious girlfriend. Then we can work on getting you married off," she said with a hopeful smile.
"I just haven't met anyone that I want to get serious about. Has that occurred to you?' he asked.
She smiled. "That is exactly why I invite woman over so that you have a chance to meet someone."
"Mom," he growled softly. "I meet new people every day."
"It doesn't kill you to meet more people," she said, placing two plates into Nathan's hands.
"Well, maybe he'd be more receptive to your matchmaking if,....gee, I don't know, maybe if they weren't nut jobs and frightening as hell," Nathan said wryly.
Alice gasped. "She's not that bad.....is she?"
Both men stared at her.
She nibbled her lip. "Well, she seemed so nice at the grocery store. We talked a few times and she expressed that she would like to meet a nice guy, so," she shrugged her shoulders, "I thought I'd introduce the two of you." She gave him a sheepish smile.
"I'm touched," Eric said dryly.
She sighed warily. "Here." She thrust one of the plates in his direction. "Bring this to Camie so I can get coffee."
Reluctantly he took it, hoping she didn't think this meant they were engaged. The thought made him inwardly cringe.
Grumbling to himself, he carried the two plates into the living room. He found Camie sitting on the love seat, glaring at him like he'd just forgotten their anniversary or something. Without a word he handed, well, more like thrust, a plate into her hand. He ignored her gasp of outrage and walked over to one of the two large overstuffed grey couches, wondering where the hell Joe was.
It had been a good twenty minutes since she discovered he sort of smothered her with a pillow. You'd think she'd be over it by now. Such a drama queen, he thought as he plopped down on the couch.
"Where'd Joe go?" he asked around a huge spoonful of cake and ice cream.
Caitlyn cleared her throat. "She left," she said, sounding on the verge of laughter.
"Left?" he demanded, placing his dessert on the coffee table. His eyes shot over to Camie who was glaring at him. Oh, he was going to spank Joe's ass raw for this. He couldn't believe she'd leave him with this nut because he may have inadvertently smothered her and encouraged Greg to hound her this morning. Nothing he'd done to her warranted this. Oh, when he got his hands on her-
"You should have just said you were gay instead of wasting my time," Camie snapped angrily as Nathan and his mother walked into the room. She got to her feet. Eric couldn't move as her words registered in his mind. What the hell? Gay? Him? Not a chance.
All four of them silently watched her leave. Three pairs of eyes turned on him as the sound of the front door slamming shut echoed throughout the suddenly quiet house.
He forced himself to remain calm as he asked, "Why does she think I'm gay?"
"You mean you're not?" Nathan asked, feigning innocence.
Their mother sighed heavily as she reached up and slapped her oldest son upside the head.
"Ow!"
"Would you people focus? Why does that lunatic think I'm gay?"
"Joe may have led her to believe that," Caitlyn said quietly, drawing everyone's attention.
Eric thought over that little revelation and after a few minutes shrugged. As long as the psycho was gone he really could care less how it was done. He sat back down with his dessert and dug in. He ignored his brother's teasing remarks while he enjoyed his cake lunatic free.
Besides, being accused of being gay was a small price to pay for weekend of deep sea fishing. He considered this little episode as payment in full. Although he may decide to make her life a living hell on the boat for a couple days, it really depended on if he was bored or not. For Joe's sake she better hope the fish were biting this weekend.
Chapter 7
"That's my Coke, woman!"
"Not anymore," Joe said, finishing off the last few ounces of the cold beverage that he desperately needed.
Eric glared. "You owe me a drink."
"Nope."
"What do you mean, 'nope'?" he demanded. "You just finished my soda and I'm thirsty."
"You should have thought about that before you pulled your shit this weekend," she said as she leaned back against the passenger seat.
He felt his lips twitch. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he said, trying to sound innocent and probably failed since he couldn't wipe the shit eating grin off his face.
She turned her head and glared at him, just glared.
He cleared his throat in an attempt not to laugh out loud.
"You pushed me over the side of the boat a grand total of fifteen times!" she shouted, throwing the empty soda bottle at his head.
He easily ducked out of the way. "They were all accidents," he said with a straight face, "I swear."
Of course they hadn't been. Well, maybe that first time was. He couldn't recall if he'd meant to knock her over the side of the boat into the ocean or not. At the time he was only trying to get that prick from Vermont away from her. If he had to watch that asshole try to "show" Joe had to hold her pole one more time he would have killed the bastard and left the body at sea.
Eric maneuvered between the two of them when the bastard went to put his arms around Joe, again. Somehow during his little rescue he accidentally knocked Joe into the ocean. At least he was pretty sure that time was accidental. The fourteen times that followed were definitely intentional, mostly because they brought a smile to his face. Her wet clothes clinging to every curve of her body was just an added bonus. A very nice bonus that currently had him shifting in his seat.
Something in his expression must have clued her into where his thoughts had wandered. Glaring, she reached to unbuckle her seat belt, probably to kick his ass, when the radio went off.
"Echo seventeen," dispatch said over the radio.
Joe swore softly under her breath at the interruption. Eric sent her a triumphant grin as he grabbed the microphone.
"Echo seventeen," Eric said in his deep rich voice. Joe mentally kicked herself for noticing. These little moments were really starting to creep her out.
"What's your location?"
"West side."
"Echo seventeen, I need you to respond to an unknown emergency at 278 Slade Street."
"Received," Eric said as Joe righted herself in her seat and buckled her seat belt.
"What do you think? Prank call?" Joe asked, all business now, as she pulled out an emergency run sheet and attached it the clipboard.
Eric put on his sunglasses, giving him the ultimate bad boy look that made her mouth go surprisingly dry in seconds.
"Probably," he said as he flicked on the emergency lights.
Two minutes later they were pulling up in front of a small townhouse. Joe jumped out of the ambulance and opened the backdoors. Eric was there instantly, helping her unload the stretcher. As they pushed the stretcher up the driveway of the small townhouse a woman in her early thirties with tightly curled mousy brown hair came running out, holding her cell phone against her chest.
"Thank god you're here!" she cried out, tears ran down her cheeks as she raced towards them.
"Where's the emergency, ma'am?" Eric asked as he pulled on a pair purple nitro gloves as Joe continued to push the stretcher. As soon as he was done he took over pulling the stretcher so she could do the same. After twelve years they were at the point where words were unnecess
ary. Working together was like a well coordinated dance. They could anticipate each other's needs without a word.
She gestured frantically with the cell phone towards the house. "He's in the bathroom! He won't open the door, but he told me to call 911 and he won't tell me what's wrong! It's gotta be bad....oh god!" She put a hand over her mouth and sobbed loudly.
"We'll have a look and see what we can do to help," Joe said softly. She could promise that everything was okay and that they'd take care of it, but only if she wanted to face a huge lawsuit. It was always best to avoid making promises and watch each other's backs. They'd come across their share of disgruntled patients and family members looking to get back at someone or make a quick buck and knew all the key words to avoid by heart.
The woman nodded in jerky motions. "T-that stretcher won't fit down the hall," she said between sobs.
Without a word they pushed the stretcher against the house. "That's fine, ma'am. Can you show us where he is now?" Eric asked, throwing the tech bag over his shoulder.
They followed the woman into a small foyer that led to a narrow hallway with a light lavender door at the end. Before they reached the door they could hear a man grunting and swearing.
"Sean?" the woman said, knocking on the door. "The ambulance is here!"
"Thank god," the man said, gasping.
Joe reached out and tried the doorknob only to find it locked. "Sir? We need you to unlock the door if you want help."
There was a slight pause before he said, "Marie?"
"Yes?" Marie said, sobbing softly.
"I need you to go find my insurance card. It's in my office," he said, sounding distressed.
The woman looked confused, but did as she was asked. "O-kay, Sean."
A minute later they heard the lock click. "Okay, come in," Sean said, sounding in pain. "Just shut the door behind you."
Joe and Eric shared a look before stepping inside, Eric first. It was a bit of a squeeze as they stepped inside the small bathroom and shut the door behind them. They found a man in his late thirties wearing a gray tee shirt and nothing else, kneeling on the floor, bent over the edge of the tub and looking incredibly uncomfortable. Of course she'd be uncomfortable with two strangers in the room and her bare ass pointing out for all to see.
She quickly looked around for blood or any obvious signs of trauma and found nothing but his discarded pants on the floor and a small tube of personal lube on the counter in the rather tidy bathroom. She was about to ask him what was wrong when a vibrating sound reached her ears. She frowned and looked at his pants.
"Is that your phone going off, sir?" she asked.
"No," he said softly.
"What seems to be the problem today, sir?" Eric asked as he quickly assessed the situation. He looked just as confused as she felt.
"I-I had an accident," the man stammered.
"Okay," Eric said slowly. "Where are you injured?" As he asked, Joe ran her eyes over the man again and couldn't see anything wrong.
The man averted his eyes and sucked in a deep breath. "I slipped on something," he said and Joe again wondered where the hell that phone was.
Eric nodded sympathetically. "Okay, do you think you broke anything when you slipped?" he asked, setting down the tech bag on the narrow counter.
Sean shook his head. "No.....I...." He licked his lips nervously. "It's inside me," he whispered hoarsely.
As if on cue their eyes dropped to his exposed ass.
"I see," they both murmured.
Joe cleared her throat. "And that vibrating sound....." she prompted.
"Is coming from me," Sean said tightly.
"What is-" Eric started only to be cut off by Sean.
"It's a vibrator. My wife's. S-she must have left it out on the floor because..because I came in here to take a shower and slipped and landed on it. I tried to pull it out, but I can't reach it," the man rambled on.
"I see," Eric said and Joe could tell he was struggling just as hard as she was not to laugh. Laughing at patients was bad she learned her first year. It could set them off into violence, a shouting match or worse, a write up. "So, um, you slipped on the floor and landed on it causing it to impale you?" Eric asked in his most professional tone, making it harder for her not to laugh.
"Yes, that's exactly what happened," Sean said, sounding relieved that they were at least pretending to buy his story.
"Can you stand up?" Joe asked.
Sean shook his head. "No, it's eight inches long. Every time I try to stand it really really hurts!" he cried.
Eight inches, pretty impressive, she thought and could definitely be a problem moving him, but they were going to have to do it.
"Please don't tell my wife," he said, sounding mortified.
"Our only concern right now is getting you to the hospital. What you tell your wife is your business," Eric said casually, but she didn't miss the humor in his eyes.
"Do you think...do you think one of you could possibly get it out?" Sean asked, sounding hopeful.
Eric threw her a horrified look as he shook his head frantically. She had to agree. There just wasn't enough money on earth to make her want to put her fingers up some guy's ass and retrieve an eight inch vibrator. Nope, not going to happen.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't extricate something embedded in your body," she said smoothly, inwardly thanking OEMS then and there for that little rule. The only time they could attempt to remove something from the body was if it was blocking the airway. Since his ass wasn't required for breathing they were good to go.
The man nodded solemnly. "I understand." He swallowed hard. "Can we go now?"
"Yes, we have a few options here, Sean. We can get you back into your pants to protect your privacy-"
"That's fine. Please, let's just get going I want to get the most embarrassing event of my life over with," he said, panting.
"Okay," Eric said, nodding. "We're going to help you stand then one of us will help you pull your pants up."
"I can't stand up," Sean pointed out.
"You can remain bent over, but you should be able to use your legs to stand. We'll help you take it slow," Joe said.
"Okay," Sean said with a small whimpering sound.
Without a word they moved into position and carefully helped him stand up by pulling him up by his arms. Once they stood they stared across the man's back at each other. Eric gestured with his eyes for her to get the pants. Joe adamantly shook her head. He gestured again, harder this time. Nope, wasn't going to happen.
"Eric, I'll hold him so you can help him with his pants," she said, giving him a shit eating grin. Yup, she trapped him into it, but she wasn't feeling guilty about it. Not in the least. Not after this weekend.
He glared at her, mouthing, "Bitch".
"Hurry, please!" the man sounded like he was in extreme pain.
"Sir, is this hurting you?" she asked, concerned.
He moaned softly before saying in a strained voice, "Not exactly."
Eric got into position with the pants. "Step into them," he said.
The man shuffled his feet, moaning softly as he did it. He began panting, causing Eric to send Joe a nervous look. Eric pulled up the pants and stood up behind him just as the man groaned loudly. His body shook beneath Joe's grip.
She bit her lip to stop from laughing. Eric turned his head quickly away, making choking sounds. He was having a hell of a time not laughing. Sean seemed oblivious to it as he continued to moan and shake. Joe glanced down at her pants and boots, making sure the man hadn't just made a deposit on her. If he did they were going in the trash. It was one thing to get puked on or bled on in her job, but quite another to have some guy with a sex toy fetish come on her shoes. She sighed with relief when she spotted the white mess on the bottom of the mauve shower curtain.
"I'm sorry...didn't mean to," Sean said, panting softly.