A tiny sob pops out of Caroline's mouth and she squeezes her eyes shut while she nods effusively in agreement. "I'll take every bit of this nastiness," she says in a quavering voice, then opening her eyes to look at me. "Every bit of it in exchange for the wonderful gift I got out of it."
"No other way to look at it," I agree, dropping my hand to grab hers, which sits limply on her lap. I lace my fingers with hers and squeeze.
Caroline tilts her head and her eyes widen as she realizes something. "The DNA...if the DNA in your case doesn't match JT...then...?"
I shrug nonchalantly even as a stab of pain lances straight through my heart. Caroline doesn't need to know how bad this feels to me, so I say, "I must have been mistaken."
She shakes her head, and squeezes my hand so hard the tips of my fingers go numb. "I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation."
"Perhaps," I say as I pull my hand away from hers. "But it's a worry for another time. If you're okay with it, I want to get back to the courtroom for Beck. Want to come?"
She nods her head. "Yeah...let's swing by the bathroom so I can repair this wreck of a face. I don't want to upset Beck, but maybe it will scare the reporters off if we run into them."
I laugh. "You two...your bond is amazing. I know you have a lot of reasons to be pissed at him, but you also have this love that's untouchable. I'm a little envious of it actually."
Caroline smiles at me. "You have the same thing with him. Don't ever doubt that."
And I don't...doubt it. But I do worry that might not be a good thing as we try to hold this puzzle of lies together because we're fueled by this love we have for each other.
"After considering the evidence before me, I believe the state has met its burden of probable cause in this matter. As such, I am binding this case over for trial and will set it on the trial docket to commence on April 21..."
The judge's words are still echoing in my head two hours later as Sela and I make our way wearily from the elevator into the condo.
I'd like to say this came as a surprise but it didn't. Not after the motivating factor for JT's murder is the fact he raped our sister, Caroline. There wasn't a judge in the state who was going to let that one pass by, no matter how liberal minded they might be.
After the hearing, Doug, Caroline, Sela, and I all met in the small conference room behind the courtroom. It was a brief meeting and was only for Doug to reassure us not to lose hope. That there would surely be a plea deal offered.
Nope, not even going to consider that.
"And besides," he had said, "with your resources, I'm sure we could hire a competent investigation team that can find the bookie who's behind JT's murder."
Yeah...that's not going to happen either, because the bookie or his goons didn't murder JT.
Of course, I wasn't about to tell my attorney that. He may be my attorney and sworn to confidentiality, but I wanted him doing whatever the fuck he could to prove me innocent, and while he might not be able to find evidence of the gambling to connect to JT's death, he could probably find something about the beating being related, and that right there could provide enough reasonable doubt.
Reasonable doubt.
My two new favorite words.
In fact, maybe when Dennis gets back in town, I can have a conversation with him and see if he can give me something to feed to my attorney that will push him in the right direction.
Sela wordlessly heads back to our bedroom while I detour into the kitchen to open a bottle of wine and perhaps put a frozen pizza in the oven. Not the poshest of meals, but I know she doesn't feel like going out tonight, and neither do I for that matter. My phone's already been blowing up with texts from people about me standing trial for murder as well as the secret that JT was my brother and he raped my sister.
Now that I think about it, I'm not sure I'm going back out in public again. Of course, following the trial, that could be a very true statement if I end up in prison, but that's not an outcome I'm willing to even consider. As Doug reminded me, the case is still entirely circumstantial. While money and anger might be motivating factors, Doug believes we'll be able to show that I'm really a guy who isn't moved to violence. I've got hundreds of people who can attest to that. We can build up just as much circumstantial evidence in the opposite direction, and the jury may very well see my side of things.
I hope.
In the kitchen, I open up the freezer and see there's nothing in it but half a pint of ice cream left. Looks like we'll be ordering takeout.
Chinese, maybe.
But I do know we have wine, and I decide on a crisp pinot grigio I have in the fridge. Pulling it out, I efficiently remove the cork and pour two glasses before carrying them back to the bedroom to see what Sela wants to order. I'm ready to get out of this monkey suit, relax, and perhaps cuddle with her after dinner. Maybe watch a mindless movie.
Probably fuck.
That's always guaranteed to get my mind out of my dark place.
When I hit the bedroom, I see Sela in the large walk-in closet taking her skirt off and letting it slip to the carpeted floor. She'd already removed the cranberry turtleneck she had on, and now she looks beyond angelic in snow-white lace panties and bra. Her blond hair blankets her shoulders and falls forward to momentarily hide her face as she leans first to one side, then another to remove her heels while balancing herself against the doorjamb with her hand.
When she straightens up, I'm surprised to see her reach for a hanger and take one of her lightweight sweaters off and put it over her head. After threading her arms through the sleeves, she reaches for a pair of gray wool slacks, pulling them right off the hanger.
"What are you doing?" I asked, perplexed as to why she's getting dressed. Perhaps I misread her exhaustion and desire to go out for dinner.
She jumps lightly and turns to look at me, the slacks held before her. Her eyes are wide for a moment as if she got busted doing something illicit, and then they change right before me into a hardened flatness.
"This farce is over," she says briskly, and shakes the slacks out before her with the intent to put them on.
And I know exactly what she means by that statement, and fuck if I'm going to let that happen. I put the glasses of wine on the long dresser that sits by the door and then I'm on her, ripping the pants out of her hands and tossing them to the back of the closet, where they land on top of a built-in dresser with thin drawers that holds all of Sela's lingerie.
"Beck," she says with anger and frustration, but I don't let her get any further.
"You are not fucking turning yourself in," I growl at her.
I expect her to argue, but instead she throws herself into my arms, and with desperation such as I've never heard, she begs me, "Then let's leave the country. Dennis can get us fake passports. You have enough money to buy us a nonextradition island. Let's run."
"We can't," I tell her softly, one hand stroking her hair, the other her back. "I can't leave Caroline and Ally...my business. It's not a good option."
She tears out of my arms, spitting at me like a cat and rage flashing in her eyes. "Then I'm done with this. I'm turning myself in."
"Sela, baby--"
"This has gone too far," she yells as she stomps her foot, her cheeks tinged red with anger. "You are not going down for what I did and you are as good as convicted if you go through with that trial."
"We don't know that," I try to reason with her, even though I can feel myself getting angry at this same old argument we've had time and again. "The judge has only heard their side of the story. We'll put on evidence. They have to prove I was there and I did it and they can't do that."
"They can," she insists. "You've got motive and your DNA will be in that house. You know it."
"The motive is conjecture," I point out. "For every witness they call that says I wanted JT out for the money, we'll have ten that say it's just not true."
"What about the fact JT raped Caroline?" she hisses at me. "How're you going to convince a jury that wouldn't make y
ou mad enough to kill that sick fuck?"
"They can't prove I knew it," I argue.
"Do you even understand the level of crazy you've stooped to by letting this go this far, Beck?"
"It's what you do when you're in love," I tell her honestly.
"You're absolutely ridiculous," she snarls at me, eyes flashing in fury. "You think you're protecting me, but you're not. You think you're protecting the idea of 'us,' but you're not. If you go down, I'm destroyed...we're destroyed...and that's not protecting me. Stop trying to act like the fucking white knight."
"I can say the same to you, Sela," I growl at her. "You turning yourself in isn't fucking protecting me either. What do you think will happen to me if you get convicted of this? I'm not ready to live with that level of pain, baby."
"It doesn't matter," she screams, beyond reason at this point, as she turns toward the back of the closet, intent on grabbing her pants, putting them on, and then going to the police to ruin both of us. "You can't stop me."
"It does too fucking matter," I yell at her as I grab her from behind. But rather than pull her out of the closet, I push her two more steps until we're flush against the dresser and I have her pinned so she can't move.
She lets out a tiny gasp of outrage and starts to squirm to get away from me, but my hand circles around her stomach, dips into her panties, and I'm pushing a finger inside of her. "And I can stop you."
"Stop it, Beck," she grits out, and when her hand locks around my wrist, trying to pull me away, I have a slight moment of doubt.
But I push it far away from me.
"No," I growl into her ear, and because she's no match for my strength, I pull my finger out and sink it back in deep. Her insides flood with wetness even though she pulls at my arm to try to get me away.
"Beck," she says pleadingly. "Let me go."
"I am never letting you go," I tell her, my voice harsh and husky with anger that she'd even think about doing this. "If I have to tie you to that bed and fuck sense into you, I'll do it."
I plunge my finger in and out of her a few more times, add another, and feel a measure of triumph when her grip loosens on my wrist and her hips rotate seeking more contact.
"This doesn't change anything," she seethes, and even though she's practically fucking my fingers right now, I'm surprised by the venom in her voice.
"We'll see about that," I retort, pulling my hand free and rejoicing at her mewling sound of loss. But then she's gasping as I spin her around, lift her up, and deposit her on top of the sturdy built-in dresser. My fingers go into her panties at her hips and I rip them down her legs, which are dangling over the edge. With my palm to her sweater-covered chest, I push on her hard until she falls back against the wall, and then I'm spreading her legs open.
Bending over, I put my mouth between her legs and I eat my fucking pussy like a man on a mission. Sela's hands fly to my head, grip it tight, and she pushes my face against her harder. She knows it's my pussy, but she's also reminding me that my lips and tongue are hers.
I hit it hard, letting one hand drop to my belt, where I manage to work it free of the buckle through the magic of multitasking. Sela moans and begs me, and when I sense her getting close, I let my tongue fly against her clit.
"Beck," she gasps, and I have to stop myself from smiling at how easy it was to get her turned around from this ludicrous idea of leaving.
I tongue her harder.
"Beck," she moans again. "Make me come and then fuck me."
I pull back briefly and mutter against her wet lips, "I will."
"Good," she says, pressing me down harder against her. "Because after...I'm going to the cops and you can't stop me."
Son of a fucking bitch.
I rear back from her, leaving her hanging high and dry on that massive orgasm that I know was moments away. I swipe the back of my hand across my mouth, and even though her face is flushed with pleasure and I know she'd drop to her knees and beg me to finish her off right now, I also see the fire of resolve in her eyes.
"Yeah, that won't fucking do," I snap at her, enraged she's still even thinking that, but also hard and horny as hell, and more determined than she ever will be.
I use both hands to quickly unbutton my slacks and push them down my hips along with my underwear. I take my aching cock in one hand and snake my other arm around her back, pulling her to the edge of the dresser. Her hands come to my shoulders and she spreads her legs wide for me, all indications that she wants to be fucked. And yet she looks me square in the eye and I know this argument isn't over by a long shot.
The dresser is the perfect height, and with another pull on her body, I have her ass hanging halfway off but her pussy now pressed against my dick. I groan because just that tiny, wet, hot touch has me about crazy with lust for her. I bring both hands to the back of her hips and hold her steady as I slam deep into her, both of our eyes locked on each other in challenge-fueled passion. Her gaze burns bright with rebellion, and I'll be damned if I want to listen to her further arguments while I'm fucking her.
I put a hand to her jaw, press lightly at the joints, and tell her, "Open that pretty mouth so I can kiss it."
She gives me a gamine smile and does as I ask. I lean in slightly, tilting my head, but then my other hand snags the panties I had pulled off her moments ago and I shove them in.
Her eyes flare with surprise and heat before they narrow into a glare. I grin at her and kiss the corner of her mouth. "There...now I can fuck you without hearing your ridiculous words."
This pisses her off and she shoves at my chest, trying to push me away from her. I merely get hold of her hips again and pump in and out of her a few times. I'm fascinated as I watch the struggle on her face not to show me how good that feels and to keep that malcontent look leveled at me. Her fingers come to my shoulders and she digs her nails down into me, not sure if that's a sign of lust that she's so turned on or a form of punishment, but fuck...it hurts.
So I pull her off the dresser, expecting her to wrap those legs around my hips for leverage, but she starts to scramble off my cock and that just won't do. No way I'm not fucking this pussy now that I'm sunk in deep.
I spin forty-five degrees and push her right into the line of suits I have hung up on a bar that sits high enough that her head clears it easily. I push her into them hard, some of them falling from hangers, and some hangers falling from the bar to rain down around us. I push her all the way back with my suit coats at her back until she's pinned against that side of the closet, and I ram into her hard, holding her in place and grinding against her. She moans, her eyes fluttering in the back of her head, and finally...those beautiful legs come around my waist to hang on.
And she needs to hang on.
I let my anger and frustration and anxiety out on her body. I let my fear and love and uncertainty drive the force of my thrusts into her, letting that delicious wet heat cradle me and soothe me. I fuck my misery out on her, burying my face into her shoulder and closing my eyes. I hear her panting against the lace in her mouth and her moans every time I drive deep.
This right here...never giving this up, and I'm not going to let Sela destroy this.
Pulling my head up, I find her staring at me, her eyes now completely soft, her spirit completely in the moment with me. I reach a hand up, pull the panties out, and place my lips against hers, all while I push in and out with the force of a battering ram. Little bursts of air pump from her mouth into mine every time I slam in, and her arms wrap around me tight as we kiss.
Never fucking giving this up.
It's a quarter till five in the morning when I walk into the Sausalito Police Department. I left Beck sleeping soundly, utterly exhausted. I left him sleeping with the delusion that I'd be by his side when he woke up.
The only way I was going to be assured of slipping out of the condo was if I could get him into a deep and restful sleep. So after he fucked me in the closet, I urged him to take me to our bed where we kissed, and cuddled, and whispered
sweet nothings. I let him make love to me, our eyes locked as we just rocked against each other. I let him extract promises that were nothing but lies while he tenderly fucked me.
"Promise me, Sela...you'll give up this idea of turning yourself in."
"I promise."
"Swear it for me."
"I swear it."
"Swear it on your love for me."
"I swear it on my love for you."
We came together and it was so beautiful I almost started crying. Then Beck pulled me into his arms, satisfied that I was put back in my place for the time being, and we fell asleep.
Well, he fell asleep.
I feigned it.
I didn't move a muscle and let him hold me for a few hours, memorizing the feel of his skin, his hair, the pace of his breathing...his scent. I inhaled against him deeply, committing it to my deep memory so I'd never lose it.
He never stirred once when I slipped out of bed and quietly put my clothes on.
By the fact he hasn't called me on my phone means he's still in our bed sleeping...probably with a contented smile on his face.
Chest pain...squeeze of regret.
I turn my phone off, so I won't be tempted to answer it when he calls.
A uniformed cop sits at the curved reception desk and looks at me curiously when I walk in. "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I need to talk to Detective Denning or DeLatemer...either one."
"Well, neither one of them are in yet," he says with a smile. "They usually roll in around seven. You could come back...there's a twenty-four hour McDonald's about a mile away; you could go get some coffee or something."
"I need you to call them," I say firmly. "Tell them that Sela Halstead is here."
He has no clue who I am and there's no doubt it's crazy that I've walked in here during the dark morning hours demanding he call in a detective.
A flash of irritation across his face. "Miss Halstead...I can't--"
"Call one of them and tell them I'm here to confess to the murder of Jonathon Townsend," I say softly and with such honesty he immediately turns to the computer in front of him.
He types a few things on the keyboard as he says, "Just a minute...let me look up their cell numbers."
The cop finds them fast as he picks up the desk phone, and with his eyes pinned to me in disbelief the entire time, he calls Detective Denning. "Um...I've got a Sela Halstead at reception asking for you to come to the station. She said she wants to confess to the Jonathon Townsend murder."