TIM ROBERTS
Hey man, I don’t care what you say. If someone hits a ground ball to me, I’m still going to throw you out at home plate. That negative shit doesn’t work with me.
THIRD BASE UMPIRE
Play ball!
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
Groves steps to the plate, but it looks like they’re not going to pitch to him. Yup, they’re going to give him an intentional pass to set up a possible inning ending double play.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2
I’ll remind you of another famous piece of Banner banter. First baseman Banner once muttered to Eddie Gibson, the Cardinal’s fleet-footed centerfielder who had just singled and stood with him at the bag: “Didn’t anybody ever tell you hell is other people?”
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
That’s Jean-Paul Sartre, right? There’s ball one.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2
Very good! The famous French existentialist. Well, Gibson was not one to back off, so he replied: “Look man, people are not going to stop hitting singles so what the hell are you doing playing first base where you have to talk to everyone? I mean you should be like me, out there all by your lonesome in centerfield!”
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
There’s ball two.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2
And Banner said: “I wish I could, but apparently ‘anatomy is destiny’.” So Gibson says, “What the heck does that mean?” And Banner says, “If I had your goddam legs, that’s exactly where I’d be playing.”
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
Hah! Ball three. But which philosopher said “anatomy is destiny”?
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2
I have no idea.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
And ball four. Groves trots down to first base. Of course, the Red Sox are bringing in a pinch hitter for pitcher, O’Reilly. It’ll be Teddy Milowicz.
JOHNNY BANNER
(agitated and loud)
This is it, my last play...
(even louder)
…quoth the raven, nevermore!
TIM ROBERTS
Would you stop with the trash talk!
THIRD BASE UMPIRE
Time!
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
Time is called again, but this time because there’s a fan on the field.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2
In my years of broadcasting baseball, I’ve never seen this before. It’s an old…er… lady.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
Holy cow! What is she doing out there? She’s walking straight towards Banner!
(Edie Banner enters)
JOHNNY BANNER
(startled)
Mom?
EDIE BANNER
Whom did you expect, a deus ex machina? I can see how upset you are, Johnny. You know, for 14 years I’ve wanted to tell you this. But until this very moment I was certain you wouldn’t listen.
JOHNNY BANNER
What? That you were proud of me?
THIRD BASE UMPIRE
Lady, if you don’t leave now you’re going to be removed from the field.
(manager Craig enters to see what is going on)
EDIE BANNER
(bows)
Pas de probleme, your majesty, I’ll leave in a minute. Proud of you? For what? This? With your brain, baseball has always has been an utter waste of time.
JOHNNY BANNER
What should I have done?
EDIE BANNER
You have to ask? You should’ve been a professor, like everyone else on my side of the family. Not that this has been your fault. I blame it entirely on your father. All those Litter League double-headers he made you play!
TIM ROBERTS
Ma’am, that would be “Little” League.
EDIE BANNER
Oh please! You didn’t see all the trash they left behind. OK, you tell me, Mr. Third Baseman: What kind of career is this for a sentient human being?
TIM ROBERTS
Jesus! You sound just like him. I have no idea what you’re talking about.
ANNOUNCER 2
...and knowing it’s his last game, she probably thought it was her last chance to get an autograph.
ANNOUNCER 1
But, why do you think the umpire is letting her stay on the field?
ANNOUNCER 2
Darned if I know!
EDIE BANNER
(looking at audience)
What are all these people staring at!
(to audience)
Go home and do something useful! Read a book!
THIRD BASE UMPIRE
Ma’am, you’re going to be escorted off the field.
EDIE BANNER
I told you, all I need is a minute!
(to Johnny Banner)
And now look where you are. Your ex-wife took all your money, you have no kids, and you have no future. What are you going to do? And to make matters worse, there’s a long history of suicides in my family. If you had become a professor like I said, this never would’ve happened! Give me the number of your psychiatrist. I’ll call him as soon as we’re out of here.
(Edie hands Johnny a paper and pen—Johnny writes the number down and hands it back.)
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
Well, she just got her autograph!
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2
I’m not sure I approve of that. Not in the middle of a game. It sets a bad example.
EDIE BANNER (CONT’D)
(gently to Johnny)
Honey, it’s not your fault. My mother was right: I should never have married Mr. Baseball. That’s what she called your father, you know. She always said my children would be stuck between a rock and a hardball.
THIRD BASE UMPIRE
Mrs. Banner, that’s it. You need to leave the field.
EDIE BANNER
(Throws her arms around Johnny)
Not without my son. Don’t you get it? He has no future! He’s wasted his life playing this meaningless game. What’s he going to do now? I’ll tell you what he’s going to do…
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
And she’s giving him a big squeeze, too!
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2
I don’t know if the listeners can hear it, but the crowd is on its feet cheering and applauding! Banner looks a little embarrassed, though. I guess the umpire is letting it happen because she’s an old lady and this is Banner’s last hurrah.
THIRD BASE UMPIRE
(to security offstage)
That’s it! Get her out of here. We have a baseball game to play!
(looks back onto the field and then says)
Oh, Christ!
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
Folks, you’re not going to believe this, but there’s another fan on the field!
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2
This time it’s an old man jogging as fast as he can towards third base!
MIKE BANNER
Oh my God! Oh my God! Edie, what are you doing out here! Don’t you know no one is allowed on the field during a game? I’m so sorry
(slight bow of deference to the umpire)
She’s my wife. I went to the can after Johnny hit the triple, and when I came back, I saw her out here!
(to Edie)
What are you doing?!!!
(to Third Base Umpire)
Don’t worry, we’re leaving right now.
(while extricating Edie from Johnny whom she is still clutching)
You see, sir, there’s something wrong with her… she has to analyze everything that happens, you know, for meaning or significance…her whole family’s like that, you know, very cynical. And she’s stubborn to boot! Like a rock you can’t move!
(finally pulls her away from Johnny, and as they’re walking away)
Johnny, forget everything that just happened. OK? You know how she gets. Poof, it’s gone! Dear, we’re going right now!
(Edie resists, holding Johnny Banner’s hand. Mike Banner, even louder)
&nb
sp; Right now, or we’ll be arrested.
EDIE BANNER
(agitated)
But I’m worried Johnny is going to kill himself!
MIKE BANNER
(laughs loudly)
That’s ridiculous!
(bows slightly to the umpire)
I’m sorry, I’m very sorry!
(grabs Edie’s arm and pulls her away. Just before exiting he turns and says)
That was a great hit, Johnny! You really stung it!
JOHNNY BANNER
(agitated)
But Dad, don’t you get it? This is it… my last game! What’s next?
MIKE BANNER
Coaching!
(Mike Banner gives Johnny Banner a “thumbs-up”, Edie holds up and waves the paper Johnny wrote on, and Mike and Edie exit)
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
Well the old-timers were given a standing ovation as they walked arm in arm back into the stands.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2
And I thought I’d seen everything on a baseball field! I guess fans are fans at any age!
THIRD BASE UMPIRE
What in God’s name was that all that about? Banner, listen to me. I’m gonna tell you exactly what’ you’re going to do. You’re gonna get your ass back on third base and finish your career like a man!
(Johnny Banner goes to third base, and manager Craig exits)
THIRD BASE UMPIRE (CONT’D)
(yells)
Play ball!
(Johnny Banner stands forward of the bag and Tim Roberts crouches closer to the imaginary home plate off stage)
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
OK, here we go, again. Banner is back on third, taking a long lead. Here’s the pitch…
JOHNNY BANNER
(loudly, while strolling forward)
And 90 feet to go before I sleep…
(screams as he starts running at full speed towards imaginary home plate off stage and exits)
…and 90 feet to go before I sleep!
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1
Banner is off and running towards home! It’s a suicide squeeze! The pitcher saw it coming…he throws the ball in the dirt …Milowicz bunted at it and missed…the catcher is scrambling to get the ball…here comes Banner barreling down on him at full speed…the catcher tries to pick it up….there’s a tremendous collision at home!…Banner’s……………
The End
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