“What did we agree on? Was I stupid?”
“Desperate,” Paxton said in a quiet tone. He sounded sad, like thoughts were permeating his mind. Thoughts he didn’t want to think about. At least that’s how I saw it.
“I don’t understand what that means.”
I didn’t understand it any more after that. I didn’t understand Paxton, and I didn’t understand what the hell was up with him. Paxton didn’t elaborate on what it meant. He moved my sleeping tablet and hovered above me.
I waited for him to speak, say something, anything while he stared down at me, his own desperation, illuminating in his eyes. Our lips meeting were the only answers I got from Paxton. Of course, that confused me even more. His kiss was so emotional, and I knew Paxton fought his own demons. Demons that were trying to get to me. The ones that wanted me to remember. The ones he wanted me to forget.
Paxton was still Paxton. Even with this new sense of fucked-upness, he needed control. Control of something that didn’t need much persuasion.
“I need to spank you, Gabriella,” he said in a despairing tone, trying to fight it. He lost.
“Why?” I questioned as his tongue dove back into my mouth.
Another make-out session and he answered. “It’s what we do. You were bad.”
“I’m twenty-five,” I stated in a pant while my hips twisted into his erection hidden behind thin basketball shorts.
“I need you to listen to me, Gabriella. Do as I say. Please,” Paxton begged with an anxious attempt to get me to cooperate. Desperate words matched his tense expression.
I looked into the eyes of a different man. Something was unquestionably different. “Okay.”
“Stop talking.”
“Why? Why do you always want me to be quiet when we’re alone?”
Paxton replied with a frown and a finger over my lips. A warning for me to stop.
“Come here. Bend over my lap.”
My heart pounded a little faster as I dopamine rushed through my veins. The faint throb I’d felt between my legs moments before turned into a frantic pulsation. Even with the way Paxton made me feel smaller, I laid it on thick. I rose to my knees, letting my fingers glide through the back of his hair while my lips met his. He was taken back a little, I could tell. My tongue thrust into his mouth, dancing with his while his hand glided up the back of my leg. I moaned once and stopped to do as I was told. To bend over his lap and take my punishment.
I have no idea why I thought this was so erotic, so adrenaline-charged, so sensual, but it was. Paxton held very still for a second. Not even a breath. I laid there over his lap, and waited with an overactive clit and a pounding heart.
One finger moved up the back of my leg, stopping at the string between my legs. He tugged a little, pressing the line of lace into the pucker in my ass. That’s when I heard his breathing. Slow and concentrated.
“You can’t do this, Gabriella. You can’t change the rules. This is the way it is. The way it’s always been. It has to be this way,” he explained while his warm hand rubbed my ass. I didn’t answer, and it wasn’t because I was afraid of him. I wasn’t. Even when I tried to be, I wasn’t. Not really. Not anymore. I wasn’t afraid of him hurting me. Not physically anyway.
My entire body reacted with a jerk when the first contact of his hand met my right ass cheek. Paxton rubbed the pain away only to do it again. The same stiff jerk with a faint whimper that time. My eyes shut tightly and I gripped the soft, white duvet cover in two fists clamped closed.
My breath caught after the third blow. I thought he was done, that the spanking was finished after three cracks. Paxton slid my panties over my hips, taking his time with the string in the crack of my ass. Just when I was ready to let out the same held breath, his fingers slid between my legs. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t do anything. Every nerve in my body was on high alert. Intoxicating sensations flooded my entire being.
“Jesus. Why are you so wet?”
“Because you make me that way.”
“Shh,” he chided with an unexpected blow to my left ass cheek. I moaned that time. One finger, slipping in and out of me, mixed with the sudden assault, only intensified my emotions. I was a raging slut. No doubt about it. I wanted any and everything Paxton Pierce would give me. I’d take it all.
And I did. Seven seemed to be the magic number. Once Paxton had rubbed the pain away, he ordered me to move.
“Get on your knees,” he said in a sultry, low tone. I recognized it right away. Paxton fought a losing battle and I knew it.
I obeyed on my terms. With my panties around my calves, I obliged. I turned and got on my knees, ass in the air, staring right at him.
“Not on the bed. Get on your knees on the floor.”
“No, get on your knees behind me,” I countered.
“God dammit, Gabriella. Stop.”
“Get behind me, Paxton,” I coaxed with a finger gliding through my wet slit. I felt the bed rock when his knees moved behind me. And then I moaned. A lot. “Hmm,” I muttered as every inch of him slid inside me. My erotic noises became even louder when he reached around and pinched my throbbing nub between two fingers. “Yes, baby. Right there. Hmm, fuck.”
“Shh. Gabriella,” he warned as his hips stopped.
I didn’t care. I could do the work myself, and I did. I backed into him more, helping myself to his pleasure. All the way in and then out.
Paxton grunted a few incoherent words and a few of ordering me to stop, but he didn’t mean it. Or I didn’t care. One of the two.
“You’re driving me up the fucking wall,” he suddenly stated in serious, defeated tone. Yes!
Paxton grabbed my hips, kneeling in a one-knee stance. His other leg wrapped around my waist, holding me firm against his body. I’m not sure if his hips moved at all. It was more of a grinding sort of thing. His hands directed my ass to rock up and down on his cock. I knew before three seconds were up that I was going to come. I was done for.
“Aahh!” I moaned while my body convulsed wildly. I came to my knees in an upright position, and let my fingers slide through the hair on the back of his neck. My back touched his chest and his arms went around me. One hand cupped my aching sex while the other explored my body, stopping to twist a nipple here and there. I turned and fell to my back, bursting into a post orgasmic cry. My right eyelid dropped in a deadpan wink, inviting him to do whatever he wanted. He didn’t do what I had hoped he would do. I wanted what was in the cabinet. Something wicked and taboo. Paxton dropped his body to mine and slid into me. His tongue thrusting with the rhythm of his hips.
With his hands all over my body, Paxton made love to me. He kissed me, pulled me closer, explored every inch of my body with the tips of his fingers, and made love. That’s exactly what he had done. He knew it, and I knew it. We made love.
At precisely the same moment, Paxton stilled deep inside me, and my body quivered below him. Our moans escaped into a deep kiss, and our bodies exploded together. Mine trembled below his, trying to find still ground. Everything spun around me while erotic endorphins submerged my mind, body, and soul. The devil’s drug. Powerful. Exhilarating. Passionate. Potent. And addicting. Extremely addicting. I was hooked on Paxton.
And just like that. It was gone. Paxton turned his eyes from mine and pulled out of me. “You better get some rest. You have a busy day tomorrow,” he said like he hadn’t just felt what I felt. What had just happened between us?
“Yeah, so I hear, Jekyll,” I replied as I sat up, narrowed eyes shooting daggers at his back. I covered myself with the sheet and watched him pull his shorts over his hips.
“I’m not doing this. Goodnight.”
And he was gone.
“Doing what?” I said to the empty room. Although it wasn’t really empty anymore. Now that I knew my room was booby-trapped with cameras, I wasn’t really alone. Looking at the time, I debated reading more of my poems. They calmed me in a weird sort of way. My eyes went to the tablet with a deep breath and I laid do
wn. Apparently, my day was filled with activities, starting at six in the morning. Maybe I would just take it with me and read while my kids did whatever it is they do. Everything. That’s what. Too much.
~~
“Can we stop now? Please. I have to pee,” Izzy whined from the backseat.
“We’re almost there. Hang on,” my mom said. Her head turned to me, sitting in the passenger seat. Her smile was instantly contagious. I knew what came next before she ever did it. The first couple of beats coming from the speakers was a dead giveaway. She smiled, beaming with joy when the song came on the radio. Free bird. Her song. She sang to the top of her lungs as she drove us right into downtown Chicago.
I hadn’t even realized our surroundings had changed until Izzy tapped me on the shoulder. I climbed over the seats and sat with her, elbows locked, looking straight up. The buildings were tall enough to touch the sky.
“What are we doing here?” Izzy yelled over Lynyrd Skynyrd.
“Why does it smell like that?” I questioned. My scrunched nose looked to Izzy’s crinkled face.
“That, my Clydes, is city air,” she explained. My mom went into great detail about how important it was to take care of the earth. “You know how I am always telling you to take care of your temple? Your body? Our planet should be the same way. People don’t respect their bodies, or their dwellings. It’s the nature of a human to want more, have more, do more. You just can’t get caught up in that, girls. You hear me?”
She was always preaching stuff like that. We may not have understood it at the age of eleven, but we were no doubt used to it.
“It doesn’t matter what the neighbor has. Let him have it. That’s not what life is supposed to be girls. That’s not your purpose here. You don’t need stuff.”
“I like stuff. I’m going to marry a man and have two kids. Twins like me and Izzy so they have someone to play with. My car is going to be a white one with two backseats. And my house is going to have a swimming pool and a swing set and a sandbox,” I rattled on while we drove through the city, mirrored windows and skyscrapers everywhere.
“I’m going to drive a blimp,” Izzy put it simply.
I could see the sadness in my mom’s eyes when she looked at me. I couldn’t help it. I did want a house with a yard and pool. No way was I going to grow up and live in a thousand places. Maybe I would live in California or Oklahoma. We stayed at a ladies house there once on a horse farm. Izzy and I wanted to stay there, but my mom wouldn’t let us.
“That’s why people eat animals, ya know. If people would have been happy with what they had, animals wouldn’t have to die. It’s a cruel pleasure. One that you don’t want, Clydes,” she assured us with great intent. “The world would be a better place if everyone could stop wanting more. God gave us what we needed and our egos wanted more. You don’t need stuff to be happy. You remember that. You hear me, Clydes?” She didn’t acknowledge us through the mirror, so neither of us answered.
“Where’re we going?” Izzy asked at precisely the same moment I said it. We did that a lot. Saying things at the same time, or finishing each other’s sentences.
“Remember a few months back when we met Brice? The guy with the big dog?”
“Yes, his name was Pluto,” I said as I remembered the dog. His head came all the way to my chin. I liked Brice. His tent was close to ours when we stayed on the beach.
The car got quiet once my mother started to concentrate on the directions scribbled on a McDonald’s bag. Izzy and I felt out our surroundings with a knowing look toward each other. She didn’t feel right either. I read it in her face.
We parked on the street in the middle of a slum neighborhood and walked up four stories. The elevator was broke. We both complained after the first flight.
The feelings Izzy and I shared in the car continued throughout the evening. We mostly watched Nickelodeon on a musty stench mattress thrown in the corner of the room. My mom, along with Brice and two other guys, smoked weed and drank out of the same bottle of booze. We got one piece of pizza each before we went to bed, on the dirty mattress. My mom kissed us both goodnight, promising to move on first thing in the morning.
She knew we weren’t in a good place, and she felt guilty for putting us there, but she still did it. Every single time. If there were men, drugs, and alcohol she was there. Especially if they were free. Not that they were ever really free, not even that night.
Izzy and I never talked about it, but we knew what went on in the next room. We knew our mother didn’t go into a room with three guys to sleep. It wasn’t the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last.
“I hate it when she does that,” I whispered to Izzy while we pretended to be asleep. Brice flipped a needle in the air while my mom held out her arm. Instantly, her head fell back and she sucked in a deep breath.
“Fuck, yeah,” she called out.
“It’s okay, Gabby. We’ll leave in the morning. She said so. She promised.” Izzy held my hand and I held hers, never taking my eyes off my mom. Ten minutes later, and all three guys were touching her. She let them. She even kissed them on the lips with opened mouths and all.
One of the guys put his hands inside her pants and she moaned, but only for a second. She made him stop long enough to take them to the bedroom. Away from Izzy and me.
I closed my eyes and tried not to hear the noises. Try not to focus on what I knew went on behind the closed door. What Izzy knew. This wasn’t our first go-around, but it would be our last.
One of the guys started yelling and we knew it was at our mom.
“What the fuck are you doing? Get in here!”
“Dude, get the fuck in the window,” another one said. That one was Brice.
“Yo, get in here kids,” the skinny guy said from the door. “Your mother’s gone whacko, can’t handle her drugs.”
We both got up and walked to the man closing his fly.
“Mom! What are you doing? Stop. You’re scaring us,” Izzy yelled, feet flying toward the fire escape behind the window.
I didn’t go to her. I stood back, seeing my mother balance herself naked on the metal railing. My heart pounded out of my chest and tears formed behind my eyes.
“Mom! Come in here. Please!” Izzy begged.
“It’s okay, baby. It’s okay, Clydes. This isn’t the end. There’s more after this. This is only a hint, an experience in a human body.”
“Mom, please,” Izzy pleaded, tears streaming down her face. Brice stopped her when she tried to climb out, too. I still didn’t move. I couldn’t. My feet stayed planted while I watched my mom, arms out to her sides, balancing on a thin bar. Naked as a jaybird, and crazy in her head.
The rest is a permanent implant, tattooed in my brain. Her right foot went first, and for a quick second, I thought she recovered. She fell, one leg catching on the bar. Her hands caught the ledge, but she didn’t hold on. She let go. Her fingers straightened out as if she’d done it on purpose and she let go. She let go. She let go.
~~
I sat straight up in bed, my heart beating out of my chest. Adrenaline pumped ferociously through my veins. My mouth was completely dry, and I could feel the dampness covering my entire body. Deep breaths in and out slowly calmed my panicky condition.
The clock read four in the morning, but I knew there was no going back to sleep for me. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I got up and slipped my arms through my robe. I used the bathroom and splashed water on my face while I tried to calm my nerves. It was so real. So right there. All the reactions, the feelings, the visions, they were all so real. So raw.
I walked out to my patio, but didn’t get what I needed from the ocean. I didn’t feel safe at all. Not in the least. The ocean was mammoth, powerful, dark, and full of emotion. Like me. I really didn’t think much about it. I just did it. I walked back inside and right up the steps. My knuckles raised to the door, but then I stopped. I tried the doorknob instead, turning it in my hand.
“Pax,” I whispered.
“What? What’s wrong?”
“I had a bad dream,” I whispered again as I stepped closer toward his bed.
“You’re fucking kidding. Tell me you’re joking.”
“I’m not. Can I lay in bed with you?”
“No, Gabriella. We don’t do that. And stop calling me Pax. I’m not going to tell you again,” he assured me. He would because I would forget again, or maybe I didn’t care.
“Please,” I begged in a soft, desperate tone.
“Oh, my God. Get in here.” Paxton raised the covers and my robe fell to the floor. I crawled in. Right to his chest with my back. I didn’t really give him a choice, I wrapped his arm around me myself. And for whatever reason, I felt safe. Safe in the arms of a man who didn’t want me there. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be anywhere else.
“What was your dream about?” Paxton asked in my hair.
“My mom. What do you know about her?”
“Nothing. You told me you’ve been in foster care since you were eleven. I think she died, but you never told me how.”
“Because you don’t want to know, right?”
“Yes, exactly. I only cared that you were one-hundred-percent mine. That’s it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t want someone with a family getting in my way.”
“In the way of you controlling me?”
“You signed up for this. You wanted this. You knew what this was. It’s not my fault that you forgot all of that.”
“Okay.” That was my simple reply. I didn’t want to do that at this moment. I wanted to feel safe. That’s it. Feel like I belonged somewhere. As wrong as it was, that somewhere was in Paxton’s arms.
“Okay, you’re going to do as you’re told?”
“Yes, I’m going to try.”
Chapter Fourteen
“Gabriella, wake up,” I heard in my ear at the same time I felt the pinch on my nipple. I pushed Paxton’s hand away and tried to roll over.
“Uh-uh. Wake up. I’ve got something for you.”
The poking in my ass was a dead giveaway. I knew what he had for me. I mumbled something about needing sleep, to no avail.