Even with the smoky gray clouds, Izzy’s grin brightened the day. “Rowan? Boy or girl?”
That brought an instant grin to my face. God, I’d missed her. “Little girl—two girls. Rowan is six and Ophelia will be five in two months. They’re so cute, Izzy.” The sense of pride edged my words while a feeling of deep love burned my soul. I wished they could know her. I wished they could call her Aunt Izzy. The thought of them seeing us both brought joy to my heart. I pictured their confusion while they tried to figure out which one was their mommy.
“I can’t wait to meet them. How are you? Wow, Gabby. Two kids.” Izzy hugged me and I closed my eyes. There’s a feeling between twins that can’t be explained. In an instant, I felt whole again. I hugged her back, embracing her with everything in me, everything I had missed.
“Let’s go for a ride,” Izzy said in a coaxing tone with the same desperate plea, head tipping to the side. Her hands held a tight grip on my shoulders while her eyes fixated on mine. God. It was her. I couldn’t believe it.
My gaze darted to my phone when I realized the time. Paxton would be livid. I searched my brain for the best time to meet her. A time when Paxton wouldn’t be with me. Rowan’s dentist appointment. That was the best I could come up with. Paxton would be busy with his work. I grabbed my purse from the seat when the idea came to me. I handed her the appointment card with the address. Without thinking it through of course. Rowan and Ophelia would race to be the first one to tell their dad about Izzy. Someone who looked identical to their mommy.
“Meet me here tomorrow. I’ll come a little bit early.”
“Wait. Where’re you going? I haven’t seen you in almost thirteen years. You’re ditching me?” Izzy stared at me, eyebrows scrunched toward her nose with confusion and hurt written all over her face.
Silence stood between us while I tried to obey my husband. I knew it was a bad idea before I agreed, but it was so good to see her. I missed her. I missed us. I would make up some lie to tell Paxton and hope for the best. Maybe I could say I got stuck behind a wreck or something. Traffic. That wouldn’t be a lie. The road was a lot more crowded than normal. People like me, out for supplies, or going inland to get away from the storm.
I looked up to the dark clouds hovering above our heads with a heavy sigh. “We’ll go for a short ride,” I said in agreement. Izzy smiled with excitement and jumped in the passenger seat of my car. That worried me, too. Paxton would know. Her butt would leave a print in the new leather, she’d lose an earring, or her shoes would leave dirt. He’d find out some way.
Izzy’s fingers glided over the tan leather. “Wow, nice ride. I bet this cost a pretty penny. I love this.”
Personally, I hated the tan. I’d wanted the gray. Paxton had wanted the tan. “It’s not as much as you think. Paxton just knows people. He got a good deal.”
“It’s a Lexus,” she said with a nod and a smirk, fingers brushing over the soft leather in front of her. “I don’t care how good a deal he got. This car cost a shiny penny.”
I stared at her, unbelieving. Izabella really sat there, in my car. Right next to me. “It’s new. Paxton just picked it up yesterday,” I said while rambling off word vomit. I didn’t know what to say. All these years of rehearsing it, of practicing what I would say. Gone. Noting came to mind.
“You look great, Izzy,” I said. A feeling of nostalgia blanketed me when I glanced at her and remembered us. Gabby and Izzy. Jonnie and Clydes.
“I’m a carbon copy of you, silly,” Izzy said in a quiet tone.
“You do amazingly resemble me. It’s a little creepy. We could swap clothes and you could take my place. We’ll swap lives for a while,” I said with a laugh. If she only knew how I wished we could. Like we did when we were kids. There was only one person we could never fool. We tried. We tried many times and she always knew. Our mother could tell us apart from fifty feet away.
Izzy dropped her eyes and crossed her ankle over her knee. “Yeah, you wouldn’t want my life.”
“Don’t tell me that, Izz. I’ve always pictured you with a really cool job, happy and in love.”
“It’s sort of that way,” she said through a lie. Even after all these years, I could tell she wasn’t telling me the truth.
“What have you been doing? Tell me? Did you go to school?”
“I did go to school. Want to know what for?”
A concrete smirk froze on my lips. “Duh! Of course.”
“Business, landscaping, and design.”
My heart felt a pang of longing, but I wasn’t sure what for. Missing all of that, or wanting it. I never got to go to college. “I’m not surprised by that. You were just like mom. Always needing to be on the move and outside. I can see you doing that. So you have your own business?”
Izzy played with the strap on her sandal with a troubled expression. I internally smiled when I realized her shoes were almost identical to mine. Other than the gold buckle, mine were just likes hers. Her closed-mouth grin faded into a frown, and then it returned. “Nah, not really. I tried it, but it didn’t really take off. I live in Michigan; not really the market for something like that. I need to move to Los Angeles or something. Ya know?”
“Is that the plan?” I questioned, returning her frown.
Izzy sighed, a look of shame and disappointment marring her face. But then she smiled. “I doubt it. I don’t know. It takes a lot of money. I’m working as a waitress on the side. Weekend tips pay pretty good.” Izzy’s grin wasn’t convincing. It seemed fake. Something weighed heavy on her mind. I could tell Izzy had trying events in her life, too. I wanted to hear all about it, every last detail of the past thirteen years. Everything.
“Oh, yeah? Where?” I tried not to sound depressed. I wanted her to have the fairytale, the one where she was happy, in love, and successful. I suddenly thought of Paxton and his fury. The digital clock screamed for me to turn around and go home where I belonged.
Izzy laughed and jiggled her boobs. “Hooters.”
I giggled and glanced away from the clock. I need this time with her.
“You’re doing all right for yourself. I love your house, the neighborhood, the beach. You live by a beach! Oh, my God, Gabby,” she said with happy excitement.
“I know. Who would have thought, right? Do you have someone, Izzy? Are you married, kids?”
Izzy playfully drummed a rimshot off the dashboard with two fingers, the kind a drummer plays after a joke. “No kids, and I just got out of an eight-month relationship. Before that, I was just a slut, trying to drink you away.”
She meant it to be cute and happy. I didn’t feel that way. “That makes me sad, Izz. You drink?”
“Nah, not much. I’m fine. I had a decent upbringing. I’ve made mistakes, but hey, who hasn’t, right?”
I stared up the street and agreed. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“Let’s go somewhere and talk. I want to hear all about these little girls.”
The market loomed ahead on the right. I knew with everything in me that I should turn in, go to the store, drop Izzy back off at her car, and go home. That’s what I should have done.
The pit of my stomach balled and tightened. A gut feeling. That dreaded instinct when you know you’re doing something wrong, or you can sense something bad about to happen. I passed the parking lot with a deep sigh.
It was worth it. I would deal with Paxton later. For an afternoon with my sister, I would face Paxton’s wrath. With no direction in mind, I drove through town and took the next right. My nerves jerked a little when I realized I’d driven way past my boundaries. Paxton would be furious when he checked my mileage. I had gone past my seven-mile allowance within minutes. Three point two miles each way. That gave me a little bit in case I needed to detour around a block or something. I was at nine. That was two miles over.
“Remember when mama would pull us out of bed in the middle of the night, needing to run. The stupid games we played on our way to our next destination?”
My lips turn
ed upward while thinking about it, allowing the memory to creep back in. “Do you think she really ever knew where we were going?”
“Hell no. Why do you think we slept in the car half our life?”
“True, but think about it, Izz. We didn’t care where we slept, how long we stayed, or where we went next. Remember how we would park underneath bridges and climb up the concrete walls every time it rained? We didn’t even care that we were eating peanut butter sandwiches again.”
“Yeah, we would sit up there and listen to the rain while mom told us stories of how our lives were about to change. Remember how she always promised we were going to have our own house with matching twin beds?”
“Or the dirt roads we would take for the hell of it? Like taking all rights. There is no way in hell she knew where we would end up. Not like that.”
“Jonnie and her Clydes,” I concluded, lifting the corners of my mouth in wistful memory. That’s what she used to call us. She did have a boy name. Unfortunate for her, she’d been born without a penis. Her parents still named her Jonnie. After a dead uncle or something.
“I’m Jonnie, and these are my Clydes. Get it, Jonnie and Clyde?” Izabella said, voice mimicking our mother’s. She always said that. Every time we met someone new, she’d stick out her hand and introduce us as Jonnie and Clyde. The name was perfect. It suited us just fine. Most little girls got cute nicknames, like Princess and Half Pint. Izzy and I got the same one. Clyde. If my mom yelled for Clyde she meant both of us. I was Clyde and Izzy was Clyde, and we were Jonnie and Clyde.
“Want to go right?” I asked, eyes twinkling to match the smile on my face. Izzy was here. Izzy sat beside me. My Clyde. I told myself that I wouldn’t go far, maybe turn around at the next stop sign. That was my plan. An uneasy feeling bubbled in the bottom of my stomach. The darker the clouds became, the more the strong breeze picked up. The treetops swayed back and forth, whipping wildly across the ominous sky as sporadic gusts of wind shook the car.
Izzy’s eyes grew larger and she nodded. “Uh, yeah!” Thirteen years had been such a long time to be away from her. How surreal. I always knew we would find each other again. I just didn’t know in what way or when.
For the first time since I had met Paxton, I defied him. Not with little things that irked him, like being a few minutes late. I mean something big. Something like this. I would be punished for a month, but I would face it. It was worth it to spend an hour with my sister.
Happy memories were spoken in words between us as miles flew by. One hour was quickly over and I didn’t care. I didn’t care about the time, Paxton’s anger, or the storm. I didn’t even feel anxious when I glanced at the clock, knowing he was angry with me. The damage was done. His feet were pacing back and forth, dialing my number, and watching out the window. I could see it in my mind as plain as day.
I listened to Izabella tell a story about our mother’s song while I tried to keep my mind there. With her and nowhere else.
“Free Bird. Lynyrd Skynyrd,” Izzy recalled through a yell when it suddenly came to her.
I remembered the story well. We’d slept outside on a beach in California that entire summer. Tent City. My mother had crazy danced to that song. I mean straight-up crazy. Arms flowing in the air while her body rose and fell with the tune, her eyes were closed and she had an expression of appreciation on her face. It had been as if she’d talked to God, praising the universe through twinkling stars. Izzy and I sat huddled up in front of a fire, waiting for her to come down. We couldn’t have been more than four or five years old, but we knew. We didn’t know that she acted like that because of the shrooms they talked about. We just thought she was sick.
I silenced my phone with the controls on the steering wheel, seeing Paxton’s name take over the screen on my dash. I’d already immersed myself knee deep, but that was no different than chin deep. The consequences were the same. “You do know she was higher than a kite that entire summer, right?” I questioned.
“It didn’t matter. Those were the best days of my life. Think about what a boring life we would have had if we would have been born to a sane mom. Turn right,” Izzy said while directing me with a straight finger. I turned right again and silenced my phone for the fourth time. An hour and fifteen minutes of nothing but right turns can have you out of the city and in the middle of nowhere pretty damn quick. I had no idea where we were headed, and I didn’t care. I would figure it out later with the GPS. For now, I was enjoying my time with Izzy, reminiscing about the good old days.
“He’s just going to keep calling, you know?” Izabella assured me.
I shot her what I hoped to be an evil smirk and held the button in on my phone, shutting it down.
Izzy got all serious on me, her face matching the gloomy tone. “Is he good to you, Gabby? Are you happy?”
I didn’t respond to Izzy’s question right away. I stared straight ahead, contemplating my answer.
“For the most part, yes.”
“What does that mean? For the most part?”
“Paxton can be a little overbearing sometimes, but he’s a good provider. He’s a good daddy, and he puts us first.”
“I don’t even know what that means, Gabby. I want you to be happy.”
“I am happy. Let’s not talk about that.” I didn’t want to talk about Paxton with Izzy. That conversation could wait until another time. Maybe I would even sneak one of those prepaid phones so that I could talk to her. But not now. Not today. I was too high on life to think about anything but the moment. We were together again. Me and Izzy. Our mother, no doubt, smiled down on us. Live in the moment. Those were famous words, preached my entire childhood. That’s what I did. I lived in the moment with my twin, forgetting everything else.
Our next right led us to a dirt road. Driveways wound toward a section of scattered mobile homes, and the dark clouds followed us. Patches of green grass grew through deep ruts, but we bounced over them. I imagined the same two or three cars traveled that road, all commuting to one of the nearby towns. It wasn’t near as bad once the road came to a fork a few miles on in. We took the next right for at least seven to eight miles.
Paxton would be enraged. He’d kill me.
“Do you have any idea where we are?” Izabella asked through a giggle, shoulders bouncing up and down. It felt good to hear her laugh. Free. Like a free bird.
“I did see a sign back there that said River Ledge Road. Does that count?” I asked in a teasing manner.
Izabella pointed up ahead to the next right. Another back road, this one running along the river. It didn’t seem to be well traveled, either, but it was pretty. Very pretty. I scanned the country road with its tall, thick trees swaying with the wind and shading our path. Even the temperature had cooled with air from the impending storm.
“Remember this?” Izabella asked. I knew what she was going to do as soon as she removed her seatbelt. Her window came down and her body went outside the car, arms out to the wind. I laughed like I did when I was a kid. Like I did when I was Clyde and Izzy was Clyde, too. When our mother was crazy and we were all free birds. Crazy together.
“Come on, stick your head out the window,” she called from above. I cackled the silly laugh again and lowered my window. I moved only my hand went out at first, surfing up and down the waves of wind, and then I stuck my head out. This was the kind of stuff our mother used to do. She would put the car in a low gear and drive with her feet while Izzy and I hung out the windows, arms gliding through the air like birds. Free birds. We couldn’t have been much older than Ophelia—four, maybe five years old.
My eyes closed as I remembered how happy we had been. How liberating. I ignored the gut feeling again and dropped the car into low gear.
“No way! Are you serious?” Izzy questioned, head popping down for me to see her happy face and sparkling eyes. I didn’t even think about it. I slid up to the windowsill just like my mom had, flipping my sandals to the floor and pulling my dress around my waist. The road straightene
d and we were barely moving, but it felt like we really were flying, especially with the gusting wind.
“Remember how she used to make us close our eyes and think about being happy? Visualize our future?” Izzy questioned.
I briefly closed my eyes, both arms floating with the wind, and then glanced back at my twin. “I got mine, Izzy. All my life I wanted a good-looking guy with his shit together. Someone who worked hard for his family. And two kids. I wanted a little boy and a little girl. I got girls. That’s what I used to wish for. I just wanted a family.” It was the truth. My entire childhood was spent wishing for a home. A real house and a real family with a mom and a dad. Mine may not have been what I planned out in my head, but it was mine. For now.
“Well, that’s not fair. I got the shaft. I used to wish I was rich and famous.”
I giggled and reached for her hand. We couldn’t touch, but the pull still existed between us, a pull that only a twin could understand.
“I’m glad you came,” I sadly admitted. Not that it mattered. There was no way I could tell Paxton about her anyway. That’s what was on my mind when I saw the turn and the guardrail up ahead. I tapped the top of the car and sighed a heavy breath, moving back in to take over the driving. I wished with all my might it could be different, that Paxton would accept her and she could be in my life.
I don’t even know if Izabella saw it coming. Her eyes were closed and her voice had grown loud, singing the chorus to a childhood memory. Everything else happened in slow, but fast motion. I couldn’t stop it. My eyes went to the bend in the road and then to the pedals. I couldn’t reach them. The tail of my dress caught on something. I screamed for Izzy right before we drove off the side of the road. The car just sort of glided like a bird, missing the guardrail completely. Like we drove off the cliff on purpose, a true Thelma and Louise.
And then darkness.
I love you my little Clydes.
Chapter One