Henry and Timmy probably hadn’t even been to Mass since their children were baptized. The idea of voluntary attendance to church was beyond them now. Henry was so “of the world” and Timmy was so “out of the world”—searching for clarity of man’s psyche. But, once we were gathered together as a family going to church together, we all got into it.
Father Michaels watched us file in and rolled his eyes at our numbers. He shook each family member’s hand soundly, welcoming us. He was a tall man in his early fifties. His salt-and-pepper hair was beautiful and his paunch was an indication that the widows on Sullivan’s Island saw to it that he never missed a meal. Every member of his flock knew he loved a good dinner. It was a small earthly indulgence for the man who guided the spiritual lives of so many.
We sang with the choir, off-key of course. Our ungodly sounds sent ripples of giggles through the children. There was the predictable snoring from some of the men who had been overserved at dinner and the occasional wail of a child.
Father Michaels’s sermon was mercifully short. He had a reputation for three-minute homilies, tightly written, provocative and insightful. His words centered on the true meaning of Christianity. That it was all about love. Love of God, love of self, love of family, love of community. Love was a gift. He talked for a minute about compassion, and what constituted a gift, coming back again to his theme of love. In closing he wished us a future filled with hope and love. My heart began to ache for Tom and I prayed harder than I ever had for his recovery.
Father Michaels turned back to the altar to begin the second part of the Mass.
“Look!” an old man cried out. “The Virgin Mother is smiling!”
“Hush! Look!” an old woman called. “She’s smiling at all of us!”
I looked up to the painted plaster statue of Mary, the Mother of Christ, over the altar. I had been in the midst of trying to cut a deal with my maker on Tom’s behalf. I couldn’t see anything unusual in the statue at all.
A small group of dazed old people began to make their way to the center aisle of the church. Their arms were raised and tears streamed down their faces. They appeared to be in a trance. As they approached the altar, Father Michaels, who was bewildered by the whole scene, stopped them short of coming on the altar. The church was so silent his whispering voice could be heard in the choir loft.
“Tell me what you see,” Father Michaels said to the group.
“She’s beautiful,” the old man said. “She’s smiling at me, at all of us.”
Father Michaels turned again to face the statue. The altar boys shrugged their shoulders and looked too. I saw nothing. I looked at Beth, Maggie, Henry, Timmy and Grant. They shook their heads. Did we really expect the Blessed Mother to show herself to us? The notorious Hamilton clan? No way.
“Mother of God, pray for us!”
Father Michaels fell to his knees and began to say the Prayer Before the Rosary. There was a lot of rustling as women dug in their purses and men in their pockets for their rosaries. The entire church—including the Hamilton clan, rosary-less, slightly terrified and sinful—prayed with him.
We began the Joyful Mysteries, following Father Michaels’s lead.
“Concentrate on the Annunciation,” he said, “consider the humility with which Mary accepted the visitation of the Angel Gabriel and the role he told her she would play as the Mother of God.”
Humility, I thought, there’s precious little of that in me. O Lord, I prayed, please teach me to be humble. I held Beth’s hand and we prayed together with the congregation.
“Hail Mary, full of grace.”
We prayed the ten Hail Marys, one Lord’s Prayer and one Glory Be. Then Father Michaels added another prayer.
“O my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of hell, take all souls to heaven, and help especially those most in need of your mercy,” he said.
“Let’s pray for Daddy, Beth,” I whispered. “He’s most in need of mercy right now.”
She squeezed her eyes tight but the tears escaped anyway. I put my arm around her and choked back my own sobs. Please, God, please make Tom better. Please. I don’t want my daughter to lose her father as I lost mine. It just always hurt so much, not having my daddy. We never had a chance to make it right between us.
Father Michaels began the second decade.
“Think of the visitation and concentrate on charity. The Blessed Mother visited her cousin Elizabeth before Jesus was born. Think of your charity toward your neighbors.”
We began another string of ten Hail Marys. Our prayers were so devout you could feel an electric pulse in the crowd. Suddenly, Stella Maris was filled with bright white light and the unmistakable scent of roses. No one, not even I, could deny that that much had absolutely happened. It was a miracle, proof that God existed, at least it was enough for me. I held Beth’s hand and we prayed together. As the rosary ended, Father Michaels began to distribute Communion. Every single person in the church lined up to receive it.
Finally, the Mass was ended.
“Go in peace to love and serve the Lord,” Father Michaels said.
“Thanks be to God,” the congregation roared.
The bright light faded and the smell of roses gradually dissipated into the thick musk smell of incense. Outside, people were crying tears of joy, exclaiming renewed faith. We gathered together, puzzled, sobered and confused. The church bells began to ring.
We began the walk home to see the fireworks, stunned by what we had witnessed.
“I don’t know. Mass hallucination,” Timmy said. “But I can’t say I didn’t see the change in light.”
“Me either,” Henry said. “Damn. I guess I’d better go to confession.”
“I need a drink,” Grant said. “That was the strangest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“What do y’all expect?” I said. “This is the Lowcountry, after all.”
“I brought a beautiful bottle of Corton Charlemagne,” Henry said.
“Hey, Henry,” Grant said, “no offense, bubba, but I don’t think any chicken shit wine spodie odie is gonna do it. I need a real drink.”
“Me too,” Henry said, “the wine will keep.”
“Me three,” Timmy said.
It was near midnight. We decided to walk home along the beach. The sky was filled with stars and the moon hung over our shoulders. We passed bonfire after bonfire, wishing everyone well. The beach was filled with people and music played from portable stereos. I held Beth’s hand, noting silently that it was now the same size as mine. I couldn’t help but remember when it had been so tiny. How she had grown. I was filled with memories.
“I’m nearly a grown-up, Momma,” Beth said. She seemed to be reading my mind.
“You’ll always be my little girl,” I said.
“Even when I’m old and you’re old too?”
“You bet. I expect you to sit on my lap once a day for the rest of your life.”
“Momma, what are we gonna do if Daddy doesn’t make it?” she asked.
I looked out at the ocean. I could feel her fear. I knew she worried that if she could lose him, she could lose me. She wasn’t nearly grown and what was grown anyway?
There were things I needed to say to Beth and now was as good a time as any. I led her over to a sand dune and we climbed together to the top. A cold December breeze came up from nowhere and blew our hair back away from our faces. We looked at each other in the blue light of darkness. I put my hands on her shoulders and held them tight.
“Beth, listen to me. This is a night to remember. It’s a turning point for you, and for everyone. You will remember what we did, who was here and everything that happened, like it was yesterday. For all of your life you’ll remember.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m gonna tell you something about your daddy. First of all, I think he’s gonna make it. But if he doesn’t, he’s never gonna leave you, Beth. The people you love never leave you and as long as you love him, he’ll live.
I know this is true, as sure as you and I are here.”
“Yeah, I know, but he won’t really be here. He’ll be gone. Your daddy left you, Livvie left you, your momma left. Momma, face it, when people die, they leave.”
“No, they don’t. It’s that simple, Beth. If you want them, they come. I swear it.”
She was quiet while her eyes searched my face. She saw me smiling and I knew she was reading my mind again. “The mirror, right?” she said.
“How did you know?”
“Momma, I’ve been talking to that mirror since forever!”
We burst out laughing, slapped high and low fives, and then hugged like a mother and child octopus. Laughing. Laughing. Laughter of hope, laughter of love.
“Beth, that weird old mirror is only one of many ways,” I said. “I think prayer works, meditation works. Hell, honey, in fifty years they’ll invent a telephone or something.”
I hugged her with all my might. “You love your daddy and he’ll never leave you. Of course, you’ll have to find out a lot of things for yourself. Just don’t wait too long to start. Life’s precious.”
“Yes. It is.” There was no beebop in her tone now. “I’m gonna make you proud, Momma. Daddy too.”
“You already do, baby. God, I love you so much.”
From down the beach I saw Maggie and Henry coming toward us. There was a loud boom and the first fountain of fireworks burst against the sky. It was midnight and the dawn of the new millennium.
“Coming!” I grabbed Beth and we ran down the dune to them. “Hey! Who’s watching our fire?”
“Oh, an old friend,” Henry said.
We were about a hundred feet away from home when I saw the figure of a man throwing logs on our fire. He turned to face us.
“Hey, Suz!”
I’d have known that voice anywhere.
“Simon?” I said to Maggie, who nodded her head at me, smiling. “Simon!”
“Susan!” he called back.
I ran to him. He held out his arms and hugged me so hard I thought I’d break. His gorgeous curls were close-cropped and shot with silver. I was positively giddy.
“Just where have you been?” I said.
“Been busy. I heard you needed a friend.” He was laughing at me.
“Boy, do I ever! Hey, you look pretty good for an octogenarian,” I mumbled.
“I’m not an octogenarian.”
I wiggled and pretended to resist his arms around me, but I was grinning from ear to ear. He burst out laughing again and then so did I. I didn’t know how I’d missed him until I saw him again. He looked at me and I knew his lips were headed for mine, and then he kissed me.
“You make me feel like boneless chicken, boy,” I said.
“You make me feel carbonated, girl,” he said.
“You’re one romantic son of a gun. Still got all your hair? Lemme see! Is this a rug?”
He swatted me on the backside and I jumped away.
I looked up and saw Maggie there with Grant, Beth and everyone.
“Happy New Year,” we called out as we hugged and kissed each other.
“You have to be the one and only Simon,” Beth said.
“My God, she’s a screaming beauty,” Simon said, winning Beth in one swoop.
“Just like my momma,” she said.
“Yep, just like your momma.”
If they thought so, it was fine with me.
The fireworks went on for over an hour, and the church bells continued ringing. The sky was filled with explosions of white, red, green—every color I could name. I couldn’t stop looking at Simon. He held my hand and looked over at me every few minutes. My skin crawled with goose bumps.
“Let’s go for a walk,” he said, finally.
“Hey! Wait for me!” Beth said.
We reached out for her and held hands as we walked toward the end of the Island. It took no effort to fall in love all over again. As the fireworks boomed and burst we squealed and yelled together. When they finally ended, we rejoined the others, put out our bonfire and gave everyone something to carry inside.
“I have to get my suitcase out of the car,” Simon said.
“I’ll give you a hand,” I said.
“By the way, how was church?”
“We got our money’s worth,” I said, thinking that when he heard the story, he’d say we were all a bunch of crackpots.
Beth went ahead of us with her cousins, but not before turning to me and giving me a wink.
“Great girl,” Simon said.
“Yeah, thanks.” I took a deep breath and walked around the side of the house with him. His car, with Georgia tags, was a new white Lexus.
“Cool car,” I said.
“The seats fold down,” he said.
“You, suh, are a lecherous pig,” I said.
“Yeah, I am. Come here to me.”
“What?”
He kissed me again, and I felt that old feeling in the pit of my stomach like I was going to sink. Livvie always said that when you met the man of your dreams, you would know. This was a bit like getting clobbered on the head. He pushed me against the car and leaned against me. When he kissed me for the third time, I knew he meant business.
“You still want me, don’t you?” I said, laughing.
“Yeah, and this time I’m going to have you.”
“Don’t you think you should at least send a girl flowers first, Mister Big Shot Infectious Disease Doctor?”
“You’re right. It was a most insensitive thing to say. I’ll have to buy you a diamond bigger than the one old Stanley gave your mother,” he said. “Susan, one way or another, Tom or no Tom, you’re mine. Do you understand me?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Well, as long as that’s settled, let’s get a beer,” he said.
Epilogue
The Year 2000
I was taking down the Christmas decorations, trying to get my house back to normal. The tree had lasted well, but a shower of pine needles came down with each ornament I removed. The big gilt mirror reflected my movements. I wondered if anyone was watching me. I had the feeling someone was.
The holidays never passed without a deluge of memories about Livvie. I thought about the Thanksgiving that Daddy had died and how she brought us that mangy dog that we all loved. I thought about how she spoiled us as we wished someone would and how she had given me the courage to go away to school. I wondered if she could see us, if she’d be proud of us, Beth and me.
I thought about Livvie so hard and wanted her to see me so badly that I started getting emotional and felt a surge of tears rising, wishing I had a nickel for every tear I had shed in the past year.
The mirror became foggy. I wiped my eyes and stared again. There she was. I saw Livvie standing in front of me with a man, as clear as day. I began to shake all over with excitement. Livvie stood still and I realized it must be her husband whose arm she held so tightly. It was really Livvie and I was joyous. I whispered to them.
“Oh, my God! Happy New Year, Livvie! And you must be Nelson!”
He nodded his head, leaned in and kissed Livvie on the cheek. Her smile was pure happiness.
“Is this a dream?”
“No, chile, the sheets was a dream, but this is for real!”
“It was you! It was really you! You were trying to tell me about Mr. Struthers and Fat Albert! How did you know?”
“Chile, I’m in the place of knowing. Ain’t no lies ’eah.”
“Have you seen either one of them?”
“Can’t rightly say, but I hear tell Mr. Marvin coming ’eah soon. He done his time to repent.”
“And what about Fat Albert?”
“I think he done open up a barbecue place down south. Don’t think he gone be ’eah. No, ain’t got no room for poor old Albert.”
“Hell? He’s in hell?”
“Ain’t never seen no hell, but if you ain’t ’eah, you is there!”
“So you made it to paradise and you found Nelson! I??
?m so happy for you!” I couldn’t think of what to say so I said, “Seen Momma lately?” Tears flowed down my cheeks in spite of my attempts to stop them.
Livvie shook her head, smiling. “Don’t fret about your momma. She fine.”
“Well, when you see her, tell her I asked about her, okay? Tell her that I understand now. God, I miss you, Livvie, I love you, you know.”
She smiled and nodded her head. In my mind I could hear her say, “Me too, chile, me too! But I got my Nelson. What about you? You gone finally give your heart to Simon?”
“Livvie, Tom’s had cancer. Simon’s back in Atlanta for now. Things have been pretty complicated! If you were ’eah with me, it would be so much easier! You’d tell me what to do.”
“But, chile, ain’t I ’eah now? Ain’t I ’eah? Did you think I ever gone leave you? And don’t you know what to do?”
“Yes, I know what to do. Give my trouble to the Lord, right?”
“That’s right. And use that brain of yours!”
“What’s gonna happen to Tom, Livvie? What can I do?”
“Say your prayers, girl. Prayers work miracles; don’t you see that much yet?”
“You know, Livvie, I think I was as smart at thirteen as I was ever going to be. Seems like I haven’t learned much at all.”
“Now, why was you so smart at thirteen? ’Cause you had a situation to rise above! Ain’t you back there again?”
“You mean the time’s come to rise?”
“The time has come to rise up and take your place again. I love you, baby. Don’t be afraid to love. Iffin you love Simon, don’t be afraid. And don’t worry about Tom.”
“Buck up, right? Just go for it?” She nodded her head to me. I was laughing now through my tears, tears of joy, tears of relief. I could feel her starting to leave and I concentrated with all my might to hold her with me a moment longer. “I love you, Livvie, forever.”
I was whispering to her. Love. It mystically transcended death. It healed hearts. It changed thoughts. And when you met it head-on, it gave you courage in return. I put my hand up to the mirror and she held hers to meet mine. The mirror was warm. I would have given anything to hold her hand, but the warmth was there. She faded away until she and Nelson were visible no more. Finally I saw just my own reflection.