It was then that Sergeant Parker and PC Robinson realised that Super Lizard had a small pink pinafore stretch across his stomach, it looked as if the seams could burst at any time. "You might want to change that?" PC Robinson uttered pointing to the warped garment.
"Oh sorry," Super Lizard replied. He went back into the van and came out in a matter of seconds, transformed into his super hero self, well he had put the ill-fitting Jedi robe on.
"That looks so much better," Sergeant Parker said sarcastically.
"Thank you," Super Lizard replied missing the point completely, "Tony says it brings out the colour in my eyes."
All Sergeant Parker could do was shake her head, "let's just get this over with." She decided to debrief Super Lizard there and then, everyone there knew what was happening and the TV cameras would only beam the story into millions of homes as well. Better to get the facts straight then allow the media to have a field day. "Ok, Super Lizard, there is an elderly lady being held hostage in that Post Office. We know of one person but there may be more. They may have a gun but we have seen no evidence. Their only demand is to see you. Why do you look so scared?"
Super Lizard's face was screwed up in terror, it looked like a glove puppet when you pull your hand out too quickly. It seemed as if he could burst into tears at any moment. "You said they have a gun," there was a squeaky uneasiness to his voice.
"Yes, and you are ten foot tall, have super strength and can shoot laser beams out of your eyes. I know who I would back."
"But they could shoot me."
"They haven't got a gun."
"But you said they had," he sounded like a whiney teenager whose father had said he could go to a party only to change his mind at the last minute.
"Well, we are not one hundred percent sure, there is no evidence they have one though."
Super Lizard folded his arms and turned away from the Police officers. He continued to sulk, "you lied to me, that's not nice. I'm not going in."
"For heaven’s sake, can we just get this sorted?" Sergeant Parker cried out, exasperation dripping from every word.
"No," Super Lizard replied like a child who would not eat their tea, "I don't work with liars."
"Just apologise to him," PC Robinson interjected.
"Never work with kids or animals they say," replied Sergeant Parker in frustration, "maybe they should add ten foot lizards to that."
"Technically he is an animal."
"Oh shut up."
"Yes Sergeant."
"And you," Sergeant Parker pointed to Super Lizard, ready to unleash her mind before realising that would make him sulk more. She swallowed her pride, "I owe you an apology. Sorry, we just don't know if they have a weapon but we need your help. Could you go in and see what is going on?" She paused trying to stop her face showing what she was thinking. "Please," she added through gritted teeth.
"Well you did say sorry," Super Lizard replied, "and I do want to be helpful. I won't need to hurt anyone will I?"
"No," Sergeant Parker said without thinking.
"Ok, I'll do it," Super Lizard replied like an excited child. The others were concerned he might jump for joy and cause an earthquake, luckily his feet stayed firmly on the ground.
Just as they thought the problem might finally be solved, the pathway in the crowd was created once more. In the middle, with his hands on his hips in classic super hero pose, was a man dressed in a racoon onesie. "Never fear," he said, "Tanooki is here."
"Could this get any worse?" Sergeant Parker muttered sarcastically.
As the racoon man walked towards them Super Lizard said, "hey Tony."
"It's Tanooki," the man replied in a loud whisper.
"Oh....erm....yeah, sorry. Anyway, I won't be able to get tea on, I'm kinda like doing this thing here."
Before Tanooki could reply Sergeant Parker pointed at him and shouted, "arrest that man."
"Err....what for?" PC Robinson asked.
"I don't know....we'll think of something later."
But Super Lizard was having none of it, "but that's unfair," the sulky teenager was coming out once more. "If you arrest him I'm not going in there," he had once again turned away with arms folded.
"Ok," Sergeant Parker responded in frustration, "now, can we just get back to the task at hand, I have important paperwork to do this afternoon."
"Right, we need a plan," it was Tanooki taking charge now, "Super Lizard, you use your laser eyes to blow a hole in the wall and whilst the dust clears I will run in and apprehend them."
"You could just use the door," PC Robinson stated the obvious which, in superhero stories of this ilk, tends to go out of the window along with common sense and any feeling of realism.
"That's not very superhero like," Tanooki replied and, to be fair, he was right. In most superhero movies catching the bad guys is the most important thing but you always get bonus points for wanton destruction. What the DVD releases fail to show is the delete scene where said superhero is at home opening a bill for millions of pounds for repairs and needing to get a second job to afford this or run the risk of hour upon hour of community service. Although they might argue saving a city from a super villain hell bent on causing total annihilation might, in some way, be considered a service to the community and anyway, surely partial annihilation is better that total annihilation so it all evens out in the end.
Despite being a relative bystander, PC Johnson felt this was the most inappropriate time to join the conversation so duly obliged by doing just that. "Yeah, and it would look cool."
"Johnson," Sergeant Parker said with authority.
"Yes ma'am."
"I preferred it when you were picking your nose."
"Yes ma'am." PC Johnson, taking this as a direct order, decided to mine the other nostril.
~
"What's going on Dad?"
Kevin was trying to look through the window whilst not being seen and thus had a view that was blocked by a large cut out of a postman and two tins of baked beans. "They're just talking, but Super Lizard is there."
As Toby tried to contain his excitement, which manifested itself as a dance that looked like he was desperate for the toilet, Mrs Sutherby said smugly, "I told you the plan would work."
"Yeah," replied her son, "but so are three police offices, two television crews, that racoon guy and a massive crowd of people. We're going to get into trouble for this."
"We'll be fine, you always have to put a downer on everything."
"Sorry Mum."
"Can we go out and see him?" Toby asked, "please please please."
Kevin left the reply to Grandma, he knew his place in this family. "Aww sweetie, we need to wait a little longer. We'll see him soon enough."
"But I want to see him now."
"Why don't you have a chocolate bar whilst you wait?"
"Can I? Really?"
"Certainly sweetheart."
Kevin instinctively routed in his pocket for some cash.
~
"Go on, do it," Tanooki urged.
"Look we need to think about costs of repair and you're already in debt, not to mention safety of civilians," Sergeant Parker was saying.
"I just think the door is the obvious option," PC Robinson was adding.
The argument raged on with each person slowly getting louder. Super Lizard was getting stressed, it was all too much, why couldn't he be at home preparing tea? He currently had his eyes screwed tight as he tried to ignore everyone.
"And who's going to foot the bill?" Mrs Barnes added, even though she was not part of the decision making group. A good gossip, though, knows when to get involved.
"Who asked you?" Sergeant Parker snapped.
"Ooooooh, listen to her. Just because she has a uniform she thinks she's better than us."
"I know," Mrs Dale backed up her partner in gossip.
"You're civilians, you have no right to make Police decisions."
"Hang on there toots," Tanooki came to their defence despit
e arguing a completely different point, "we are here to protect them, they should have a voice."
"WE are," Sergeant Parker interjected, unhappy with Tanooki's derogatory comments but not having the time to deal with it now, "YOU’RE just a menace to society."
Mrs Barnes was not one to shy away from a battle, "well I for one agree with this lovely young man, don't you Jean?"
"Oh yes," said Mrs Dale.
Tanooki looked smug, Sergeant Parked enraged and Super Lizard as if he were about to explode.
"Right, that is it," Sergeant Parker had made a decision, "you two can leave now, Tanooki can wait here and Super Lizard will go in through the door."
"How dare you tell me what to do young lady," Mrs Barnes replied as if she were some sort of royal.
"Yeah," to Sergeant Parker's surprise it was Tanooki and not Mrs Dale, "I'm a superhero, I do what is right by my citizens not some jumped up Police Officer."
Sergeant Parker was not proud of her response but she snapped, "you're not a super hero you're a fat man in a racoon suit."
"Shut up, all of you," Super Lizard had had enough. He opened his eyes and, unable to control his gifts, laser beams shot from them and flew over Sergeant Parker's head towards a police car.
The argument stopped suddenly, not by Super Lizard's words or the laser beams from his eyes but the explosion of PC Robinson's and PC Johnson's car. As they turned to see the fire a flaming wheel bounced down the road simply because that is what is supposed to happen.
A child came running from the Post Office and General Stores, chocolate smeared around his face, "wow, that was amazing."
Before Super Lizard could reply Sergeant Parker said, "what exactly is going on in there?"
It is not that children cannot lie well, simply that when asked a direct question they tend to tell the truth. Toby, being only seven years old, just blurted everything out, "I wanted to see Super Lizard so my Grandma came up with the idea, pretend to hold up the shop and then he would come," whilst doing the trying to suppress excitement dance he finished with, "and it worked."
By this time Kevin and Mrs Sutherby had joined them. Sergeant Parker did not take her eyes off of them as she said, "Robinson, Johnson, arrest these two."
"What for?" asked Robinson.
"Wasting police time."
"Yes Sarge, and what about the boy."
"He can travel back to the station with Super Lizard, I'm not heartless," she gave Toby a smile.
Hoping to appeal to Sergeant Parker's better nature, Mrs Sutherby said, "but surely you understand, we did it for my grandson, how else were we suppose to meet Super Lizard?"
"Follow the guy in the racoon suit?"
"Oh, yeah, didn't think of that."
SUPER LIZARD AND TANOOKI WILL RETURN IN ‘REVENGE OF THE WHITE STEED’
Revenge of The White Steed
“Unhand me you fiend,” the boy said aggressively.
“I am afraid,” PC Merriweather replied, “that you have been caught stealing.” He produced a small pack of cards, “and here is the proof.”
“Is it a crime to want a Level X Charizard?”
PC Merriweather sighed, looked to his partner who was holding the boy and then to the pack of Pokémon cards in his hand, “in this case I think it is.”
“Damn, well if you release me I can make it worth your while. How does one hundred million pounds and a small island off America sound?”
“And how are you going to get that?”
“It is all part of my cunning plan, but I cannot reveal such details to you unless you promise to swear allegiance to The White Steed.”
“Oh, it’s a horse,” Merriweather sounded surprised as he look at the white outfit the boy wore. Maybe it was a horse, it looked like some sort of flannelette onesie with a stuffed ball on top. Now Merriweather titled his head he could sort of make some horse like features, there were two eyes sown on at slightly different heights and an attempt at a frilly mane. The whole head was hanging at an angle which made it harder to distinguish exactly what it was.
“Of course it is a horse, a cunning disguise to protect me from the law, admittedly the hooves do make it hard to pick things up but never less you will never know my name.”
“It says your name is Martin Watson on this junior cash card here.”
“Oh,” Martin replied slowly. “So are you going to join my highly secret, underground organisation bent on taking over the world?”
“No, I’m going to phone your Mum.”
~
Chief Inspector Langley looked stern on the outside but inside he was laughing, this would distract them for a while. He was a little annoyed he hadn’t thought of the idea himself, paying someone to dress as a super villain and pretend to run amok was a great plan. It would have kept Super Lizard and Tanooki entertained for days. Well this fourteen year old boy would have to do, he might say he wants world domination but pilfering two packs of Pokémon cards, pushing an old lady out of the way and throwing eggs at his school on a weekend was, by all means, a very slow start. No, now this would be his time, he would face a battle against the forces of good or rather they would spend some time having a chat before the boy understood how foolish he was. Super Lizard would not hurt a fly and this White Steed was about as athletic as a three legged cow. Langley knew there would be no violence, in fact he would insist on this to at least cover his back. This development had made his day, finally some time where he did not have to deal with those two idiots.
Tony beamed back at Langley, the grin going from ear to ear and widening every second. It threatened to encompass his whole head.
“I don’t know why you’re grinning, this is a serious matter,” Langley was playing the part beautifully.
“I am sorry sir,” Tony replied with the body language of someone who was anything but sorry, “but I am honoured that you have called us, that you have realised that we are earth’s finest heroes, that we will defeat the forces of darkness and bring peace to this galaxy.”
The rousing speech was lost on Langley. “Quite,” he said, turning away in case either Tony or Ropo saw him holding in the laugh that threatened to escape from his mouth. After a few seconds it was under control. “Ok, here is a picture of the boy,” he handed across a high resolution image, the sort you get on crime dramas. You know the ones, they are a screen grab from a grainy CCTV camera yet when blown up and printed appear at better quality that your eyes can even make out. “He has been seen hanging out in Fosstop,” Langley handed over a map of an area the boy had never been seen in.
“Haven’t you go his address?” Tony asked.
“Unfortunately he gave my officers the slip, all we know is he calls himself The White Steed.”
“Oh, I see,” Tony was beaming with pride once more, “your average police types can’t do the job so you’ve called in the big guns, I understand completely.”
“Yes, that’s it,” Langley was trying to sound convincing but failing a little, he was surprised at how Tony was lapping up all this information without questioning anything.
“Well I know you little guys are good at your jobs but sometimes you need real heroes to catch these bad guys.”
That was too far, but Langley couldn’t blow it now. He kept his anger in check, largely helped by his next comment, “we are not sure where in Fosstop he could be so you will need to take some time scouting the area. Look everywhere, down any street you find, in the bushes, even inside dustbins, he could be anywhere.” Langley winced, the dustbin comment may have blown it.
“Don’t worry,” Tony replied, “we understanding these devious criminal types, we will find him.”
‘This guy will believe anything I say,’ Langley thought, and then an idea popped into his head. It was from that part of the brain that never quite grows up, the part that is still a teenage boy, the part that revels in being a prankster, the part that even people as stern, as uptight, as professional as Langley still have. “We will need some sort of symbol to show
other Police Officers you are under cover.”
“Oh, yes, of course.”
‘Seriously,’ Langley thought, ‘you are walking round with a ten foot lizard, how undercover can you be?’ As he thought about this he fished around in his desk draws. Ah, there they were, those hideous driving gloves his wife had bought him a few Christmases ago, he could finally get some use out of them. He passed them across to Tony, “pop these on when you are out investigating, you will also need some sort of signal.” Langley made the shadow puppet hand gesture for a duck and said, “quack quack.” His face was a picture of calm professionalism but inside he was dying of laughter.
Tony took the gloves and tried them on, they were tight but he managed to squeeze his hands in. He made the duck gesture and said, in far too proud a voice, “quack quack.” He looked to Ropo and said, “right, you got that?”
“Isn’t it a bit silly?” Ropo asked, “I know it is not my place to question but it doesn’t seem right, people will laugh.”
‘I’ve pushed it too far this time,’ Langley thought but was saved by the enthusiasms of Tony.
“Things are done in a certain way to throw people off the scent, it does look silly but that means that the criminals will drop their guards and then we pounce. These evildoers are masterful in their treachery and we need all the help we can get.”
Langley snorted, but managed to stop the laughter.
“Ok,” said Ropo, “if you say so. I’m sorry I questioned you.”
“Right,” Langley composed himself, “you had best be off, no time to waste, who knows when The White Steed may strike again?”
“Too true,” said Tony, “we shall update you on proceedings later today.”
“No, that is fine. I would not want to hamper your investigations by making you come all the way back here. Just remember, no violence, I just want him brought in.”
“We will do you proud,” Tony turned to Ropo, “come Super Lizard, we have crime to stop.”
Langley waited a whole minute once they left before he punched his fist into the air.
~
The old lady edged away when Super Lizard and Tanooki arrived. Things were not going well, they had been in Fosstop all day and there was no sign of The White Steed. Super Lizard had questioned their mission, worried they had been sent on a wild goose chase, but Tanooki was more concerned that an insider in the North Yorkshire Police Force had leaked information to the criminal genius and The White Steed had scarpered.