I stopped, my lips still barely touching hers, and met her eyes. They were so bright and full of want and need that it was difficult not to press my body against hers, drive my tongue into her mouth, and just take her as quickly as possible. But I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to kiss her again, so I did – softly, slowly, and over and over. I tilted one way, then the other, wanting to taste every part of her lips. I didn’t push my tongue at her; I just kissed her gently, lovingly…
I pulled back, met her eyes again, and I felt my chest clench as nothing short of sheer terror rippled through my skin. This feeling wasn’t new – I’d been here before. I’d felt this way before, and I had vowed to never let this happen again.
I should want her for one reason and one reason only. Sex was good – you could have sex, feel good, and then move on – no emotional attachment. I was good at that. I knew what to expect, and I always made it clear what should be expected of me. I didn’t want to feel anything more – not for Raine or for anyone else. You could stab me, shoot me, beat me beyond recognition – I could cope with that kind of pain. You couldn’t make me feel for you – couldn’t make me want to care because caring meant hurting in a way that I couldn’t handle. I was not going to let this happen. Never, ever again…
Raine’s voice broke me out of my mental tirade against myself.
“She broke your heart, didn’t she?”
My hands balled into fists, my eyes closed tightly, and I held the air in my lungs a moment longer before slowly letting the air back out. I didn’t want her to say anything. I didn’t want her to know. Most of all, I didn’t want Raine to realize I wasn’t worth anything other than physical release, the same realization she had before she laughed at me and told me to wise up.
Her hand moved against my cheek, running her fingers over my skin and back into my hair. It felt good – it felt too good. I couldn’t do this, so I pushed away, turned my back to her, and moved over to the front of the raft to pour a cup of water.
“Bastian?”
“Just…don’t,” I growled. “Don’t fucking say anything.”
“Bastian, you don’t have to be afraid of me,” Raine said. I could see her sitting up out of the corner of my eye. She looked so much stronger already, and she hadn’t even eaten much. My shirt slid partway off her shoulder, exposing her collarbone.
“I’m not fucking afraid!” I yelled, knowing how ridiculous it sounded. “I’m just…not good at this. I’m not good for this. If you want to fuck, we can fuck, but I’m not doing…this.”
I waved my hand in her general direction. I didn’t know what the fuck this was, but I knew it wasn’t going to work for me.
“You deserve more, Bastian.”
I laughed.
"I'm a nutcase, Raine," I told her. "I'm a murderer and a drunk. I use women as a place to stick my cock. That's who I am. You don't want to delude yourself into thinking I'm something else."
"Maybe in the beginning I would have believed you," she said. "I don't believe you now. I've seen you, Bastian – the real you. I know what's inside that thick skin you try to use as a shield. I've seen you at your worst, and I'm pretty sure I saw you at your best just a few minutes ago. If not then, it was when you told me not to be scared. You can't fool me anymore, Bastian. I know too much. I know you've been hurt, and I know you're scared."
"I'm not..." I couldn't even bring myself to finish the sentence. I stared down at the empty cup in my hands until her fingers reached over and took it from me. I glanced up at her and saw the start of tears. Fuck.
"Let me in, Bastian," she whispered. "Tell me what she did to you."
I stared at her, the internal war within my mind escalating beyond control. I wanted to tell her. I didn’t want to tell her. I wanted to hold her and feel something for her. I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t do that. I needed her to understand that I couldn’t be that for her. I was so fucked up, I didn’t even know where to start, so I went back to the basics and closed up.
"She didn't love me back," I finally said with a shrug. Pathetically, I felt the shield go back up around me. I could shut myself down – I knew how to do that. I knew how to shut out every emotion, every feeling, and every thought that wasn’t what I wanted to think about. It was comfortable and safe. "No big deal."
"Bastian..."
"Raine..." I mocked, tearing my eyes away from her. "Just fucking let it go."
"How about we make a deal?" Raine said.
“Not likely,” I said. I continued not to look at her.
“You haven’t heard it yet,” she said softly. I sighed heavily, and she continued on. “How about I let you…um…do what you said you could. You know…without touching me?”
My ears, eyes, and several other parts of me perked up.
“You mean make you come?”
“Um…yeah, that.” She turned the darkest shade of red I had seen on her yet. “I’ll let you do that, and then you tell me what she did to you.”
“You’re serious,” I said, trying to figure out if this was some sort of prank or not. My dick was willing to believe it was not some sort of joke and decided to make me as uncomfortable in my shorts as possible even though I was going commando.
“I think so,” Raine said softly. Her eyes dropped down to her hands in her lap. “I mean, what you said before – about me not knowing what it really felt like? Or what it was supposed to feel like, anyway. Well, I was thinking about that when I…um…when I thought maybe we weren’t going to make it.”
I think my hands started to tremble. I wanted this. I wanted to do this. I didn’t want to want this. I didn’t want to feel this way. Even if it was the closest I got to fucking her, I wanted to do this. I couldn’t let myself feel anything, though. I couldn’t want it too much.
“So, I’d let you do that,” Raine continued, “and then you tell me about…um…about the woman that hurt you.”
Even the briefest mention of her, though not by name, was almost enough to kill my erection. I’m not sure if I was more pissed off at my dick for constantly being in overdrive or Raine for bringing all this shit up over and over again. My fingers tapped against my knees, and I realized I had way too much energy in my body again. The water and the food had reenergized me, and I didn’t have anywhere to put the excess. No wonder I couldn’t think straight.
"Let me see if I understand your proposal," I said, trying to keep my twitchy cock from getting too far ahead of the situation. "I make you come, sans hands, and then I get to tell you all about the bitch that fucked me over?"
"Yes."
"How exactly is this a deal?" I asked. “It sounds like I get to satisfy both your cunt and your curiosity."
"Don't say that word!" Raine cringed.
"What, cunt?" I laughed. "Why not?"
"It's foul."
"So am I," I reminded her. My leg was starting to bounce up and down, and I couldn’t make it stop. I hated when it did that.
"It's an act."
"An act?" I scoffed. "I've had my dick in as many as six women in one night. I never fucked the same one two nights in a row because there was always another one just waiting her turn.”
“But you weren’t like that with Jillian, were you?”
“Don’t fucking say…” I felt all my muscles tighten up again, and I closed my eyes and tightened my jaw. I wanted to yell, scream, curse, and maybe do worse. My mind and body were going in too many different directions. I didn’t want to talk about her; there was no question about that. The thought of seeing Raine with her head tossed back and moaning…well, that I definitely found very intriguing, and the thought had brought my dick right back up to attention. Actually, he was just about to start marking his territory – maybe even designing a little flag to make sure all the other cocks out there knew which areas he claimed – at the very thought of maybe going a little further with Raine. At the very least, he hoped to get the chance to jack off, either with or without her assistance.
And then there was that
other, little bitty, stupidly moronic, and possibly masochistic part of me that just wanted to wrap my arms back around her, kiss her gently, and tell her I was going to protect her. I wanted her to run her hand though my hair because it calmed my body as much as any exercise. I wanted to feel the warmth of her body next to mine while she slept. I wanted to feel her breath against my cheek. These were the dangerous thoughts. These were the ones I didn’t want to have. But I did want them. I wanted to feel this way. I didn’t want to feel this way.
Fuck!
Somehow she had managed to move back up close to me again.
“Bastian?”
“What?” I snapped, my voice more harsh than I meant to be.
“I’m sorry, Bastian.”
“For what?” I asked, confused now. My head was starting to pound with all the different directions it was trying to go at once.
“I already know she hurt you.” Raine reached back up and placed her hand on the side of my face again. My leg stopped jumping around, and I felt an automatic, slow exhale escape my lungs. “I don’t need to know the details. I’m sorry I pushed. I just…I want to know you.”
“You really ought to stay away from me,” I warned her, and at the same time I leaned into her touch.
“That doesn’t seem possible at the moment,” Raine smiled and glanced around the small craft. “Even if it were, I wouldn’t want to stay away from you.”
“I’m not…a nice guy, Raine.” I didn’t know how to make her understand that there wasn’t anything else to me despite what she wanted to believe. I was what I was – violent, crude, and utterly unlovable. Maybe if I told her everything, she would understand, but I really didn’t want her to know.
“I think maybe you should let me decide that.” Raine dropped her hand from my face and put both of her fists on her hips. “You know, I’m starting to get a little tired of this.”
“What?” I asked. I shifted back a little, and I was pretty sure my cock might have actually shrunk back from her glare, too.
“You took care of me,” she said, her darkened eyes staring into mine. “You watched over me and took care of me all this time. I would be dead if it weren’t for you. I’m tired of you telling me you’re some kind of evil creature. If you were evil, you never would have pulled me out of the water. You never would have taught me how to use the collection system or the flares, and you wouldn’t have held me at night when I was scared I was going to die!”
“You want me to list all the nasty shit I’ve done in the past couple of weeks, too?” I didn’t know if it was her words making me angry or if it was because she wasn’t touching me anymore. I probably should have known the real reason, but I didn’t want to let myself know. “I bet my numbers are going to outweigh yours. Did you forget about me backhanding you?”
“No, I did not,” Raine snarled, “but drunk and detoxifying you isn’t the real you. You can’t hide from me anymore, Bastian! I have seen into you, and I don’t understand why you won’t just admit it!”
“Because I’m fucking terrified of feeling something for you, okay?” I screamed back at her, and my whole body went cold.
I guess I couldn’t shut down completely after all.
Chapter 9 - Hold
I dropped my head into my hands. I’d always had a problem keeping my mouth shut, and obviously today wasn’t any different from any other day in the past. I closed my eyes and dug the heels of my hands into my eye sockets. I was not trying to hold back tears. I wasn’t.
“I know you are, Bastian.”
I had a flash of implausible thought focused on Raine reading my mind, but I then realized she was referring to my previous statement. She meant the words that never should have left my mouth in the first place, not my internal ramblings.
“I didn’t mean…I’m not…I mean…look, Raine…”
I didn’t really have anything coherent to say, so I gave up and dropped my head again. When Raine spoke again, her voice was quiet and concerned.
“Are you saying that because you think we’re going to die?”
“No,” I responded, keeping my hands over my face. There was a long pause before I could manage to speak again. “That would make it easier, actually.”
“Why do you say that?”
Because you wouldn’t have the chance to hurt me.
“Because I’m not going to care about anything if I’m dead,” I said out loud. “You probably won’t give a shit at that point, either.”
My leg was bouncing again, and it was going to drive me insane.
“Bastian…” I heard her moving close to me and looked up quickly. She was reaching out to touch me, and I flinched back, pushing with my heels to move away from her.
“Don’t!” I growled.
“Don’t what?” Raine asked. She stopped coming closer.
“Don’t touch me,” I clarified.
“Why not?”
Because I want it and I don’t deserve it.
“Just don’t fucking touch me!” My hands were starting to shake along with my leg, and I wondered if you could go through withdrawal twice without actually imbibing in between. Long story short – I wanted a drink. I fucking needed a drink, and there was nowhere to get one. My hands found my hair and tugged against the roots.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Stark?”
“Don’t fucking talk to me,” I snarled.
“You aren’t seriously pining for that bitch, are you? I mean, really, she’s fucked half the guys in the organization, and that’s just this week.”
“Don’t you fucking talk about her that way!” I screamed, heading towards him and ready for blood. I watched my fist connect with his temple.
This sort of thing was exactly why I lived in a fucking bottle as often as possible. I didn’t need this. I didn’t need to be thinking about this shit and remembering all the fucked up moments in my life. I certainly didn’t need this tiny little girl fucking with my life this way. I needed time to clear my head, and I needed to be away from Raine before she sent me completely over the edge.
Over the edge.
That’s what I needed.
I pushed past Raine and crawled over to the raft opening. I raised myself up on my knees and started unbuttoning my shorts.
“What are you doing?” Raine cried out.
“I need a swim,” I said. I rose up enough to pull the shorts down over my hips and then twisted a bit to pull them off. I grabbed the end of the tether and started tying it to my waist. Once it was secure, I looked over my shoulder to see Raine with her hands over her face.
“I don’t care if you look, you know,” I said bluntly.
“I do.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to,” Raine said softly.
“Are you afraid you are going to like it?” I taunted. I wanted her to be angry with me. I wanted her to scream obscenities and tell me what a fucking asshole I was. I didn’t want her help, her kindness, or anything else from her. I couldn’t let myself feel anything for her, and pissing her off was the best recourse for making sure she hated me. I needed to be able justify whatever it was I was trying to bury inside myself, and she needed to stay the fuck away from me before I brought her down to my level.
“No,” Raine said. I didn’t need to see her glare – I could hear it. “Why are you going swimming?”
There was fear in her voice, and it occurred to me she probably thought I wasn’t coming back. I wanted to yell at her to not be so fucking pathetic, but couldn’t bring myself to do it even if it would be the means to the end I sought. Everything in my body was tensed, and I could feel my muscles rallying around the contradictory mental messages to run, to fight, to embrace, to kill…
“I have too much energy and no where to put it,” I told her. “There aren’t that many options around here.”
“Well, what are your options?”
“Besides swimming?” Distracted by her question, I looked around and considered the options. I came up wi
th nothing that didn’t involve getting Raine in a similar outfit to the one I was wearing at that exact moment, minus the tether. Well…maybe even with the tether. Shit. “If this fucking raft came with a weight room, I’d be set.”
“I think it’s located right past the en suite bath,” Raine smiled, and all thoughts of making her hate me vanished.
I looked over to her, my eyes dropped down her body and back up again, but for once I wasn’t actually thinking about getting her naked. I was actually wondering if she’d be adverse to me using her in a totally different way.
“How much do you weigh?”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me.”
“That’s kind of a personal question,” Raine said, her face turning red.
“Maybe a hundred pounds?” I pressed.
“One-fifteen, if you really have to know.”
“Maybe when you first got here,” I said. “I bet you aren’t more than a hundred now. Good enough, though. You can be my weight room.”
“What in the world are you talking about now?”
“I want to start with bench pressing you, and then see what else might work. I have to get rid of some of this energy, or I’m going to go ballistic.”
“There is no way I am going to let you bench press me,” Raine said, her voice firm.
All right, she had a point. Though I was pretty sure I could do it, the logistics of the act inside an inflated raft floating around on the sea would be a little difficult. Fucking her would be really interesting, though. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. That could be extremely interesting…
I had to stop thinking like that.
“Maybe next time,” I shrugged, turned, and dived in the water, almost wishing I had forgotten the tether. I sank into the waves, toying with the idea of just untying the damn thing, though I would never actually do it. Aside from the fact that my death would pretty much seal Raine’s fate, giving up just wasn’t something I did. No matter what, if you just kept fighting you could persevere in some form or another. Shit, with what I had been through, if I was going to off myself, I would have done so already.