When that session was over, I tried to sit up with my knees close to my chest. My heart raced, my hands shook, I was sweating all over, and I was fucking cold despite the sun blazing in through the canopy. I put my head in my hands and just listened to myself breathe for a while.
“Do you want some water?” Raine asked.
“No, I don’t want any fucking water!” I yelled. Why did she keep talking? It occurred to me that somehow this was all her fault anyway. I pulled my hands from my face and glared at her. “What the fuck did you do, anyway?”
“Do? I haven’t done anything.”
“What the fuck did you do to make my ship sink, bitch?”
“Daniel, you aren’t making any sense,” Raine said, flinching away from me.
Like there was somewhere for her to go.
“Do you think I’m a fucking idiot?”
“No, Daniel,” she said softly. “I think you’re sick.”
“Sick?” I laughed and shook my head at her. “You think I’m sick? Baby, you have no idea all the sick, twisted shit I’ve done. The number of people I’ve slaughtered, the number of women I’ve fucked. Shit – I don’t even remember how many!”
I squeezed my eyes shut and just rocked back and forth, trying to keep pace with the shakes. At least I felt like I was trying to do something even though it wasn’t actually helping or anything. The pain in my head and my stomach was a lot like getting shot. It ached and stabbed and burned all at once, and there was no way I could move my body into a position where it would stop hurting.
I linked my elbows around my knees and put my forehead down against my arms. I kept rocking and trying to relax my muscles, but they were too tense. They wouldn’t loosen up no matter what I said to them. There was something soft on my shoulder, running up and down it.
One fucking shot…that’s all I needed. Just one fucking shot – vodka, rum, even fucking gin. It didn’t matter what. Just one little sip of anything to take the edge off. I could make it through if I could just take the edge off. I’d even settle for a fucking American beer.
“One fucking shot!” I screamed out, causing Raine to jump and let out a little squeaking sound. I narrowed my eyes, realizing she had been touching my shoulder again. “Are you a fucking mouse?”
“No,” Raine said cautiously. “Why would you ask me that?”
“Because you fucking squeak,” I snarled. “Don’t do that again.”
“You startled me.”
“I’ll do a whole hell of a lot more than that if you don’t shut the fuck up and quit touching me.”
I watched her eyes darken for a moment but couldn’t watch her face transform into that nasty little “I’m not taking any more of this shit” look she had yesterday because I was puking over the side again.
When I managed to pull myself back away from the water again, I felt my whole body go limp, and I lowered myself down on my side. I pulled my arms up and covered my face with my hands while I tried to figure out just how in the hell I managed to end up like this.
Left in a bar as a toddler. No parents to be found. No one interested in becoming my parents, either. No one wants to adopt a kid whose parents didn’t even want him. Different foster homes every couple of years until I started getting into trouble. Then it was group homes and eventually juvenile detention. Nice start to life. No wonder I was so fucked up.
“Please, talk to me, Daniel.”
I heard her voice again but didn’t want to yell at her any more. My throat felt like I had been yelling all day, and I probably had been. I took another deep breath and felt a sob come out of my chest. I didn’t realize I was crying. Fucking crying.
“They could have just left me in a fucking dumpster or something,” I heard myself sob. “Save the state a lot of cash.”
I heard her move a little closer to me, and I resisted the urge to lash out at her, at least for a few seconds. I didn’t want her anywhere near me. I didn’t want anyone anywhere near me. I sure as hell didn’t want anyone watching this happen to me or looking at me while I was crying.
I felt her hand on me again, tentatively stroking from my lower back up to my shoulder blades and then back down again. It was strangely comforting even though I didn’t want it. Her touch was so light, I could only barely feel it.
“Are you talking about your parents?”
“I don’t have any fucking parents!” I yelled, the sorrow I had been feeling immediately replaced by the most intense anger. I needed her to just stop talking and leave me alone. “How many times do I have to tell you to shut up and quit touching me, you stupid cunt?”
I could feel her stiffen, and she immediately withdrew her hand and backed away from me. It was about time.
My chest tightened, and I tried to push myself back up so I was sitting, but I slipped back down. It took three tries to sit up, and by then my chest hurt so bad I was fairly certain I was having a heart attack. I tried to get my breathing under control, but short panting breaths were all I could manage. My head got a little foggy as I hyperventilated which shot me into a panic.
I tried to stand up, which is a really bad idea on such a small raft on the ocean. It pitched wildly to the side, sending me flailing into the fabric wall before I fell on my face. I felt the stitches in my head rip open.
Fucking awesome.
Note sarcasm.
I pushed the flat of my palm against my head and then brought it away. Blood was clearly visible on my hand, and I could feel it start to trickle down the side of my face. I reached up to touch it and cringed as I ended up smearing it into the stubble on my face.
I growled incomprehensibly and slammed my fists into the floor of the raft on either side of me. The urge to hit something a hell of a lot harder was damn near overwhelming.
Note to self: next life raft gets equipped with a punching bag to go with the bottle of rum and carton of cigs.
Holy shit, I had forgotten about the smokes I had with me. I felt an immediate sense of relief as I pulled at the pouch containing the two I had left.
Getting the pouch open on my belt with my hands shaking was nearly impossible, but at least once I got the baggie out, I could just dump the smokes onto the floor of the raft. I grabbed the lighter and put the cigarette between my lips. The lighter had dried out enough that it sparked, but with my shaking hands, I couldn’t hold the damn thing on long enough to light it. I kept trying, and the edge of my thumb was getting raw from flicking the wheel over and over again while the lighter got hotter on the metal end. Eventually, I managed to burn my thumb and still didn’t have the cigarette lit.
I let out a long string of curses before my eyes met up with hers again.
“Get over here and light this fucking thing for me.”
Raine’s eyes narrowed, and she just looked at me for a moment as I held the cigarette and the lighter out to her, my hands making them vibrate in the air between us.
“Are you fucking deaf now, too?”
“No,” she said, her voice sounding relatively calm, all things considered. “I’ve never lit one before. I mean, I’m not sure how…”
“Jesus fucking Christ!” I screamed. “Just fucking light it!”
I threw the lighter at her, which she managed to catch. I thought better of throwing the smoke because if it got wet or broke, I was going to seriously lose it. I put my shaking hand out again and held it there until she took it from me.
“Just do it,” I snarled again.
“Are you going to keep yelling at me?”
“Quit doing shit to piss me off,” I retorted.
“Not being a smoker pisses you off?”
“At the moment, yes. Now light the fucking cigarette.”
She held it between her fingers like a joint and flicked the lighter. She didn’t put it in her mouth or inhale, so of course it didn’t work.
“You are stupid, aren’t you?” I growled. “Put it in your mouth and suck, bitch.”
“Look,” she said, holding both the smoke
and the lighter out towards me. “I’ve just about had enough…”
“You look,” I interrupted, staring into her face and glaring at her. My tone dropped low. “Stick the fucking cigarette in your mouth and light it for me, or I swear to God I’m going to beat the shit out of you and throw you to the fucking sharks. Are we clear?”
Her eyes grew wide, and I could see her swallow hard. She slowly brought the cigarette up to her lips and the lighter to the end of it, never taking her eyes from me. The tip glowed red for a second before she started coughing and held the now lit smoke out for me to take.
I almost dropped the damn thing after all of that. I closed my eyes and sucked smoke through the filter and into my lungs. I didn’t even open my eyes again until I was halfway done with it. I tried to slow down a little, knowing once it was gone there was only one left. My hands were still trembling as I held it up to my lips, and I started rocking back and forth again.
I smoked the cigarette down to the filter and tossed the butt out the opening. Once it was gone, I glanced at Raine out of the corner of my eye. She wasn’t looking at me but was sitting with her legs curled under her and just staring down at her hands in her lap.
Shit.
I had basically told her I was going to kill her.
“I wouldn’t do that,” I said, but not very loud.
“Do what?”
“What I said…about beating you up and sharks. I wouldn’t fucking do that, okay?”
“Good to know,” she said quietly.
Shit.
I was about to say something else when I doubled over, and a stabbing pain raced through my gut again. I ended up on my side with my arms wrapped around myself. I think I might have screamed. The shaking suddenly stopped, but I started retching again. I couldn’t make it to the side, so it was good there wasn’t anything in my stomach for me to throw up.
“Daniel, what should I do?”
I felt my muscles tense up and my vision blurred. I tried to open my mouth and tell her to shut the fuck up again, but it wouldn’t open and I couldn’t move my tongue. It felt too big for my mouth. I was abruptly staring at the domed canopy above me, and I could feel my body jerking against the floor.
Oh shit, I thought. I’m seizing.
* * * * *
Something soft was making slow, deliberate lines from my temple, through the hair behind my ear, and across my jaw before starting over at my temple again.
My eyes were closed, but I could hear gentle splashing of waves against the side of the raft and feel the cooling evening breeze through the openings in the sides. My head was still pounding, but at least it felt like the shaking had stopped.
I was pretty sure I had a seizure though I had never had one before. I knew it was a possibility. I hadn’t been without alcohol in my system for that long for a good four years. My body just couldn’t take it.
I took a couple of deliberate breaths and tried to take inventory of myself.
I was lying on my right side with my right arm bent up, and my head was resting on my forearm. There was something soft under my arm – probably one of the towels. My knees were drawn up, and all the muscles in my stomach felt like they had been punched repeatedly. Actually, most of my body was feeling like I had come really close to losing a fight which hadn’t happened too often. My throat and mouth were really, really dry.
The something soft was still stroking slowly from my temple to my chin. There was something similar running over the knuckles of my left hand, which was stretched out away from my body a little and slightly elevated from the raft bottom.
I cautiously opened my eyes and saw Raine sitting next to me with her legs crossed and my hand in her lap. She was stroking the back of my hand with her thumb. Her fingers briefly obscured my view as they passed back over the side of my face. The sensation was…calming. When my eyes settled on hers, I could see the tears running across her cheeks. I tried to comprehend why she would be crying and could only come up with one answer – she was crying for me.
She shouldn’t be doing that. If there was anyone who didn’t deserve her tears, I would be that person. My heavy eyes closed again, and I tried to open my mouth. My lips felt cracked and dry, and trying to wet them with my equally dry tongue didn’t make a whole lot of difference. I tried taking a deeper breath – I wanted to tell her not to cry for me – but no sound came out. She should be saving her tears for someone else. My head was still pounding, and though the memories weren’t clear, I knew I had said some pretty fucking horrific things to her.
I tried to gather some saliva up in my mouth to wet my lips again. I paired that up with another breath in hopes of telling her to stop crying for me. I only actually managed to get one word out, though.
“Stop,” I murmured in a throaty, croaky voice. I narrowed my eyes at her and tried to convey that I was completely unworthy of her tears. Obviously what I said and what I meant didn’t come out right at all, and she immediately pulled her hand away from my face and moved a half foot away from me entirely. My hand dropped out of her lap and onto the floor of the raft.
No, I thought. Don’t stop that…
Shit.
Not only had I managed to convey the wrong message, now she thought I didn’t want her to touch me when that was actually feeling pretty good. I wanted her to keep touching me the way she had been, but I couldn’t get any kind of words out to tell her. As a flash of memory reminded me I had been repeatedly throwing up for hours, I realized the main reason for this was some pretty severe dehydration. I needed water.
I tried to push myself up with my hands and immediately fell back to the floor. My head swam, and my fingers were starting to shake a little. I tried again.
“Daniel – please, just stay down. There’s nowhere to go.”
I let myself drop back down and closed my eyes for a moment. I tried licking my lips again, but there wasn’t enough moisture to make any difference. My breathing was still ragged and ineffective, and my stomach felt like it was on fire. I forced a couple of slow deep breaths into my body and opened my eyes to her.
“Water,” I croaked.
She nodded and quickly brought me a cup. She had to hold my head up so I could drink it, but I was too fucking thirsty to care about how humiliating it was for her to have to do that. I managed to get a couple of mouthfuls down my throat before she lowered my head back down. She sat next to me but still kept a little distance between us. I looked up at her and wanted to tell her to keep touching my face like she had been, but even with the moisture from the drink of water, I couldn’t do it. I tried to get the words out, but they just wouldn’t come. With a lot of effort, I managed to reach out with the hand she had been holding so it was a little closer to her. I found the energy to turn it palm up and then looked back into her eyes.
Raine looked from me to my hand and back again. She slowly reached out and took my hand in hers, watching for my reaction. I looked from our hands back up to her face and tried to give her a wary smile, but it hurt to move even that much. I closed my eyes and sighed as she pulled my hand back into her lap, and her soft fingers began caressing the back of my hand.
* * * * *
It was dark when I opened my eyes, and I felt a little well of panic form before I pushed it down and reminded myself where I was. As my eyes adjusted to the nearly pitch black inside the raft, I could make out Raine’s form lying next to me, just a foot and a half away. I could still feel our hands clasped together.
Her fingers were all intertwined with mine, and I tried to remember the last time I held a girl’s hand without actually having my cock shoved up in her at the same time. Hand holding took time, and most of the chicks I had been with recently charged by the hour. The last time I had participated in this particular act probably went back to Jillian, but I quickly put thoughts of her out of my mind before I became downright violent.
I watched as best I could in the darkness as my thumb ran over her palm so I could feel how soft her skin was. Her fingers tw
itched just a bit, so I stopped. I didn’t want to wake her up, and touching her was giving me ideas about other places I could be touching her. Any additional touching was going to lead to an activity that wasn’t the best idea under the circumstances. Conserving whatever meager energy I had left was pretty important at this point. I pulled my hand out from under hers and immediately noticed a strange sense of loss when I wasn’t touching her anymore. I shook my head and pushed myself up to a sitting position.
My head was still throbbing, but not as bad as it had been. It was probably due to dehydration as much as any residual delirium tremens effects, so I reached over and got myself a cup of water. I took the first mouthful, and then I ran my tongue along the inside of my mouth where it felt like raw meat. I must have bit down on the inside of my cheek at some point because it really hurt. My thumb rubbed the skin just under my bottom lip and came away with dried blood.
Fucking lovely.
I grabbed the towel that Raine had apparently put under my head and stuck it out the opening long enough to get the corner wet. I rubbed my face, neck, and hands with it and then washed it out again.
I smelled like I had just spent a couple of days in a sealed up raft, sweating and puking. I tried to wash some of my upper body as well and then used the corner of the towel to clean my teeth off a bit. I finished by washing out the towel in salt water and hanging it up inside the raft to dry.
I looked back to Raine, who was still sound asleep but looked restless. I reached over and looked through the carb bars in the survival kit. There were three fewer bars than the last time I looked which meant – if she had followed directions – I had been out of it for a good thirty-six hours. I took a deep breath and ate one of the bars. I figured at this point I was going to need the energy, and eating the whole thing was probably for the best. I hadn’t had one in nearly two days, anyway.
Two days, which meant it had been three days since The Oblation sank. I checked the flares and saw the last one was gone. I tried not to mentally calculate our chances without signal flares, but I couldn’t really help it.