I loved how flying commercial wasn't even an option for him. Before last year I'd never been on any kind of plane, never mind been spoiled into thinking a private jet was the only civilized way to go.
"No. It's okay. I'll take the commercial flight," I replied, pulling my fingers away. Upton, for the first time, seemed to sense the cold vibe I was giving off. His brow creased and he pushed his hands into his pockets, looking dejected.
"Are you sure?" Mr. Lange asked. "I can have the jet gassed and ready for you first thing in the morning."
"Yes, I'm sure," I replied. "I'll go today."
"I'll call my travel agent." Mr. Lange flipped open the phone again, but Noelle held up a hand.
"Wait, Daddy."
He did. She turned to face me.
"Reed, come on. Just sit tight one more day," she said. "We can
26
stay here on our beach, hang out at the house. I promise you won't have to see Poppy, Paige, or Sienna if you don't want to. You should get at least one day of relaxation out of this trip."
I looked into her eyes and realized with a start that she felt guilty. Like all of this was somehow her fault. Why? Because she was the one who had invited me here? That was crazy. She had been trying to do something nice for me. It wasn't her fault one of her friends had turned out to be a sociopath.
"Besides, you heard what Mr. Lange said," Upton added. "You can take the private jet in the morning. You'll be so much more comfortable and it'll take half the time."
Apparently my coldness hadn't completely shut him down. Which was kind of nice. Part of me was glad that he wasn't simply giving up on me. But if I stayed, I was going to have to talk to him. Figure out what had happened, what it meant, and where we stood. The very thought exhausted me.
"Please?" Noelle asked.
That one word stopped me cold. Noelle almost never said "please." To her, just saying the word was akin to begging, which was not her style. I felt my resolve start to cave. I glanced at Upton, whose blue eyes stared back at me, open, questioning, almost vulnerable.
"Okay, fine," I said finally, feeling my resolve melt. "But first thing in the morning, I am on that plane."
27
NONTRAGIC
I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with warm, tropical air, and held it as I looked up at the blue-and-white brocade pattern of the umbrella overhead. The breeze fluttered the trim and blew the pages of Noelle's magazine over her hand. Digging my toes into the toasty sand, I let out the breath and felt relaxed for the first time all day.
"Okay, maybe you were right," I said, lifting my head from the soft beach blanket. "Maybe staying another day was a good idea."
My parents hadn't been too psyched when I'd called them, and my mother hadn't said yes until I'd sent a picture of myself to her cell phone to prove I was okay. It had, of course, taken her an hour to find the picture and open it. Cell phone technology still eludes my parents. But in the end, they had agreed to let me stay.
"Never doubt me, Reed," Noelle said blithely, lifting her strawberry kiwi smoothie and taking a sip from the straw. She languidly turned a page of Vogue and continued to read. Down the beach, I saw
28
Paige, Poppy, Sienna, and Daniel, walking along, two by two. My heart caught and I instinctively curled my knees toward my chin, holding my breath as they got closer. One of those girls--most likely crazy little Poppy Simon--was trying to kill me. I was sure of it. Yet they were all friends with Noelle, so I was sure they were going to come over to say hi to her, while being fake-nice to me.
As they approached, I glanced at Noelle, whose eyes were trained on her magazine. I waited for her to lookup, to see them and greet them, but she just kept reading. And then . . . they were passing us by. I saw Paige and Sienna whisper to each other, and all four of them quickened their steps and kept walking. My heart pounded in my temples. What was that about? Any normal person would have wanted to get the gossip about the girl who had almost died at the Ryans' annual party. But then, they weren't normal. Maybe they didn't want to hear the gossip because they all knew that Poppy had pushed me, so they already knew all the details. But barring all of that, why didn't they at least stop to say hello to Noelle, their lifelong friend? I breathed in and out as they strolled farther down the beach and out of sight.
Weird. That had been totally, completely weird.
I glanced up the beach again, uncurling my legs. A guy in green board shorts and a white T-shirt was walking along the water. For a moment I thought it was Upton. Perhaps sensing that I wasn't quite ready to talk to him about everything just yet, he'd made some lame excuse to go home and promised to meet us for lunch. But one good squint and I realized I was looking at Sawyer, not Upton. I sat up and raised a hand to wave him down.
29
Noelle followed my gaze, saw Sawyer, then returned to her reading. As Sawyer turned his steps up the beach, I stood and dusted the sand off the back of my shorts. He was holding a single miniature conch shell, which he toyed with as he approached.
"Hey, Reed," he said, squinting one eye. "Noelle."
"What're you doing all the way down here?" Noelle asked.
"I just wanted to come over and see how Reed was doing," Sawyer said, looking at me. "Feelingbetter?"
"Yeah," I said. "Still a little sore, but better."
His eyes flicked down at my chest. "Hey. You're wearing the necklace," he said brightly.
Noelle glanced up as my fingers flew to the shell around my neck. "Yeah. I really like it."
"Cool." Sawyer was blushing. I could feel Noelle's gaze burning into the back of my neck. "So, do you ... I mean, are you okay to take a walk? " Sawyer asked as the wind blew his shaggy blond hair over his eyes.
"Definitely," I said. I grabbed my sunglasses off the beach blanket and put them on. I didn't want to get too far away from Noelle's house, which we were currently parked in front of, but a quick walk with Sawyer wasn't going to kill me. "We'll be right back."
"I'll be right here," Noelle said, refocusing on the magazine.
Sawyer and I walked down to the wet sand, where cool water lapped at our feet. He fiddled with his shell as we continued on down the beach.
"Listen, I wanted to thank you again," I said, biting my lip.
30
He reddened and shook his head. "You don't have to--"
"No. Not just for the dramatic rescue thing," I said with a laugh. "For sayingyou believe me about being pushed off the boat."
Sawyer's head snapped up. "I wasn't just saying that. I do believe you."
"I know. So thanks. I don't think anyone else really does," I told him, curling my toes into the wet, sloppy sand with each step.
"Not even Upton?" he asked, his voice tight.
"He says he does, but ..." I looked out at the water. "I think he doesn't want to believe that someone he knows could do that."
"That sucks," Sawyer said. He stopped, turned toward the ocean, and pulled his arm back. With a flick of his wrist he sent the shell flying. It made the tiniest splash out on the water. Then he stood there and stared after it for a long moment, his expression brooding. "After everything you've been through the past couple of years ... it must just suck when people don't have your back."
My skin prickled and I looked down at my bare toes. I hadn't told Sawyer anything about my . . . history. "I guess people are talking about me, huh?"
Sawyer sighed. "You've been a major topic the last couple of days." He glanced at me quickly as he stooped for another shell to throw. "Sorry."
"No. It's okay," I said, even as my heart squeezed. I hooked my thumbs into the back pockets of my shorts and drew a wide arc in the sand with my toe. It instantly disappeared, sucked away by the salty water. "Bad things just kind of.. . happen to me," I said. "Sometimes
31
I think there's this big gray cloud following me around. I want it to go away already."
Sawyer nodded. He threw the shell, then drew a long line with his own toe
. It disappeared, too. "I feel like that sometimes." He looked up, across the water at the horizon, and tucked his hands under his arms. "I guess you've heard that my sister died a few months ago."
"I did. I'm so sorry," I said, my heart going out to him. Noelle had told me about the Hathaways' loss earlier in the week. "What happened?" As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I heard the presumptuousness of them and wanted to take them back. "I mean, unless you don't want to talk about it. I completely understand if--"
"No. It's fine. I brought it up," Sawyer said flatly. "She killed herself, actually."
My hand covered my heart as I gasped. "What? Why?"
Sawyer looked at me for the first time. "That's the thing. I have no idea," he said, adjusting his arms over his chest, gripping himself even tighter. "She didn't even leave a note."
My hand was over my mouth now. "Omigod, Sawyer. I'm so sorry. That's gotta be so .. ."
"Yeah. It is," he said, nodding again and looking at the ground. "It's the worst part.. . the not knowing."
"God, I know how that feels," I breathed.
Sawyer looked at me. I could feel him wanting to ask what I meant, but unlike me, he knew how to hold his tongue.
"My boyfriend Thomas . . . I'm sure you heard ... He was killed last year," I said.
32
"Ariana," Sawyer said.
I froze at the unexpected uttering of her name. For a moment I'd spaced on the fact that she was part of the St. Barths crew. That Sawyer had actually known her.
"Yeah. But before we knew that he was dead, he just went missing. And those few days when I had no idea where he was or why he'd gone or if he was hurt or dead or just avoiding me . . . those were the worst few days ever. Not knowing something that huge is unbearable."
"But you beared it . . . bore it . . . whatever," Sawyer said with a quick laugh.
There was a pang of sorrow in my chest. I had never thought about it that way before. At the time I'd thought there was no way I would ever get through those days. But I had. And I had come out the other side.
"Yeah. I guess I did," I replied with a slight smile.
"My dad always says, 'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger,'" Sawyer said confidently. Suddenly his whole demeanor changed. He rolled his shoulders back and his chest lifted, as if just saying those words pumped him up from the inside.
"I like that," I said. "If it's true, I should be about as strong as the Hulk by now."
Sawyer laughed and I grinned. I had made the brooding boy laugh. Gome.
"Listen, there's something I want to tell you. Graham said not to, but I think you should know," Sawyer said.
My heart skipped a foreboding beat. "What is it?"
33
"That night on the boat, Kiran and Taylor realized you and Upton were gone and they started joking around about it. You know, stupid immature crap about where you were ... what you were doing...," he said, avoiding eye contact.
I blushed and looked away.
"But then all of a sudden, Paige grabbed Daniel and pulled him off the craps table and they were all whispering and stuff and then they just disappeared," Sawyer continued, his words tumbling over one another. "They didn't come back until right before Upton and Poppy did."
I swallowed a huge lump in my throat. So Upton had been with Poppy while I was getting almost-killed. What the hell was it with those two?
Focus, Reed. So not the point here.
"So you think... I mean, do you think that Paige or Daniel could've been the one who pushed me?" I asked, my voice quavering.
"I don't know," Sawyer replied firmly. "That's all I saw. And five minutes later Upton realized you hadn't come back to the party and we all started searching the boat. Including Paige and Daniel."
I nodded, my heart slamming against my rib cage. I'd never liked the Ryan twins. Never trusted them. Now it seemed like I had a good reason.
"Should I not have told you?" Sawyer asked, his eyes full of worry.
"No. I mean, yes. It's fine," I said. "It's good to know."
For a long moment, I just let this information sink in. I stared out at the water and felt a wall of fear rising up inside my chest. A couple
34
of nights ago I had been out there somewhere, alone and scared and freezing. I had almost died in that ocean. I had always suspected that Poppy might be behind the horse-riding incident and the Jet Ski thing. She was irate that Upton had dumped her and seemed a bit off in general--she'd even disappeared for a couple days without telling anyone. But perhaps I was wrong about her. Was it possible the Ryans were to blame?
"You wanna head back?" Sawyer asked.
I looked up the beach at Noelle. She was watching us from behind her big black sunglasses, keeping an eye on me as promised. I wanted to run over there and tell her what Sawyer had just told me, but I hesitated. What if she said I was crazy? What if she took Paige's side? I so didn't want to deal with being talked down to again.
Part of me wanted to stick close to her, simply because I always felt safe when Noelle was around, but I felt safe here, too. If anything, I felt more comfortable with Sawyer than I did with pretty much anyone else on the island. Not only did he believe my story, but he was actually trying to help me. Going against this stupid "since zygotes" St. Barths cult and telling me the truth.
Besides, not everyone had been through the sorts of losses we had been through. Not Upton, certainly. He thought he was so worldly, but nothing bad had ever happened to the guy. If I was living under a dark cloud, he was basking in the sun. It made him lucky, yes, but when it came down to it, it also made him kind of naive.
What I really needed right then was to be around someone who understood.
35
"Let's walk a little farther," I said.
"You sure?" Sawyer asked, concerned. "You must be tired."
"I think exercise is probably good for me," I told him, turning my back on Noelle and starting down the beach again. "But let's talk about something else."
"Something nontragic?" Sawyer said with a smirk.
"Nontragic would be perfect," I replied.
36
SAFE
"Nothing's going to happen to you in a crowded restaurant," Noelle said as we got out of her BMW, which she'd just parked in front of Shutters, the St. Barths crew's favorite hangout. She handed her keys to the valet and walked around the front of the car. Waiting for us under the colorful awning was a whole host of familiar faces. Dash McCafferty, Noelle's maybe-on-again boyfriend, all polo-shirt preppy and blond, stood between Kiran Hayes and Taylor Bell, all of them watching me with a mixture of encouragement and pity. Kiran was wearing a red sundress, her long dark hair tied back in a loose French braid, while Taylor wore a cute madras dress, her blond curls still wet from the shower or the ocean. Upton was talking to Tiffany Goulbourne, gesturing hugely as he told some story that had her laughing. Sawyer, meanwhile, was standing next to Amberly Carmichael, watching me as she chatted his ear off.
37
"We're all going to get a big table in the middle of the patio," Noelle said, hooking her arm through mine. "You know you can trust these guys at least, right? "
I cast a suspicious look at Amberly. She blushed as she noticed her bra strap showing under the boat neck of her light blue dress and she quickly tucked it away.
"Yeah. I guess." I said. But I'd be keeping my eye on the freshman, just in case. If there was one thing I'd learned over the past year, it was that sometimes the most innocent-looking people, the people you never considered, were the most evil people you'd ever encounter. And I already knew Amberly wasn't as sweet as she appeared on the outside. But Noelle was family friends with her, and she was officially in Billings, the dorm I'd be moving back into when we got home, so it appeared I was stuck with her.
"Hi, Reed! How are you feeling!?" Amberly gushed as we approached. She didn't care about me. She just wanted to feel like she was part of the drama.
"Fine," I said, striding right
past her.
I might be stuck with her, but that didn't mean I had to be nice.
Taylor, Kiran, and Tiffany rushed over to greet me with hugs and cheek kisses and questions and concerns. Everyone was talking at once, and suddenly I felt completely overwhelmed.
"Come on, people. This isn't a press conference," Noelle said, tugging on my arm. "I'm sure they have our table waiting."
Everyone immediately backed off. Noellewas, as always, in charge. I shot her a grateful look as we walked through the interior lounge area
38
of the restaurant. We were about to hit the outside patio and seating area when Upton fell into step with me.
"You looklovely," he said, planting a kiss on my cheek. "Relaxed."
"Thanks," I replied.
He slipped his hand into mine and entwined our fingers together. Part of me wanted to resist, but his expression was so hopeful, I let him hold on to me. We could talk about our issues later. For now, it felt nice to have his warm fingers clutching mine. Noelle let Upton and me walk ahead while she fell back to walk with Dash. I glanced over my shoulder at them and saw him brush her fingers with his. Noelle pulled her hand away but blushed as she suddenly became very interested in Kiran's new shoes.
Things were finally getting back to normal.
We walked through the open double doors and out onto the patio en masse. The maitre d' grabbed a stack of menus and started toward a large round table right at the center of the patio. The slatted roof overhead allowed the sun to pour in over the white linen tablecloth, and all the silverware and glassware gleamed. The scents of Caribbean barbecue filled my senses, and my stomach growled audibly. Once again, I had to concede: Noelle had had a good idea.
Maybe I should just let her run my life from now on.
Upton pulled out a chair for me and I was about to sit when I heard a familiar, cloying laugh. Poppy's laugh. I stood up straight and whirled around. Poppy, Paige, and Sienna were all seated at a small table near the corner, framed by gorgeous tropical flowers bursting from the planters all along the edge of the patio. Sitting there in their designer