personal,
Give no quarter.
PATRICK
Perfect. We await your signal.
(Swashbuckler approaches the house in question. He knocks at the door. After a few seconds a small trap opens, level with his head. He whispers the password. The door opens. He draws his sword and stabs the vigil. He proceeds to hand signaling his allies who join him in mere seconds)
SWASHBUCKLER
By groups of two. Do no end up isolated.
Yell loudly as soon as the papers are sighted.
(They enter a wide room ; two men are sitting at a table, their swords nearby ; they are startled)
TRAITOR 2
Fie! Alarm! Intruders! Our defense has been breached!
SWASHBUCKLER
Draw sword, gentlemen. Time for sermons to be preached…
With steel.
(Swashbuckler and Patrick pursue the two traitors and disappear from view. Four more arrive ; Henry battles two of them)
COLIN
And style.
ROBIN
And resolve.
HENRY
And an iron fist!
I feel reinvigorated.
ROBIN
An optimist,
Is what this mission will make out of you, Henry.
COLIN
(Patrick reenters, still fighting, Colin in the meantime is parring)
John?
PATRICK
No, this is Patrick.
COLIN
When will I learn? Marry!
My apologies, I expected your partner.
PATRICK
He must have been detained by an urgent matter.
He will sorely regret missing this great breakthrough.
He was filled with despair that we found nothing new.
(Exeunt Patrick and his opponent)
COLIN
Parry and thrust, thrice…This is getting tedious.
Throw some compound attacks in the lot. Be ingenious!
ROBIN
Colin, pray do not brag, it is not becoming.
COLIN
Why not? I am certain women find it charming.
ROBIN
Trust me, they do not! Plus, you will either end up
Bloodied, maimed, crippled –
COLIN
‘Tis a storm in a teacup…
ROBIN
…If you’re lucky that is.
(They pursue their opponents off stage. Exeunt. Enter Swashbuckler, alone)
HENRY
Care to give me a hand?
HENRY
Certainly, she’s eager, Pulchritude, my old brand.
HENRY
We now ken the information was genuine.
(Enter Irina)
IRINA
You also ascertained it will cause your ruin.
HENRY
(Henry spots Irina. She paces calmly the room while the men are fighting)
Krasota! Why am I not surprised you are there…
IRINA
You are not half bad, Henry, as I thought you were.
HENRY
Here I was, thinking you innocent…What a fool!
I should have known better.
IRINA
What’s the number one rule?
Do not trust anyone when it come to affairs
That pertain to the state. What is it that impairs,
Henry, your judgment? I hope you’re not getting soft…
HENRY
Do not get you hopes high too fast. It is not oft –
(He parries a blow at the last second)
I can retaliate your nefarious acts.
I’ll be a minute…
IRINA
Use it to straighten your facts,
I am not the traitor.
(Henry gets distracted, his sword flies away from his hand. He ends up on the floor as his opponent strikes him. As he goes to reach for his weapon, Irina stamps her foot on it)
HENRY
It does seem that you are…
IRINA
Don’t be a sore loser.
HENRY
Your heart is black as tar.
As appealing too!
IRINA
Please, no need to be vulgar,
I have known you voluble, even jocular,
But this…? Coarseness is but the refuge of the weak,
I trust you know it. Pray, do not appear so bleak…
I am sorry, Henry, for your predicament.
I really have to see what’s in that document.
HENRY
Please, as if you didn’t ken already!
IRINA
I don’t,
‘Tis why I’m here.
HENRY
Why believe you, it is your wont,
After all, to lie, cheat –
IRINA
And defend my country!
At least as much as you defend yours, obviously.
(There are shouts and yells in the background. Patrick and Robin are seen pursuing their opponents across the stage. Colin arrives by himself and approaches Irina)
COLIN
You kill, you kill, and new ones sprout worse than mushrooms.
IRINA
You should grab your legs while –
COLIN
And you should grab some brooms,
This place is fast becoming a mess. Your toothpick,
Drop it!
(He threatens Irina with his sword. Henry jumps on the occasion to grab his own and face the traitor)
IRINA
Boy, soon you might feel more than just a prick.
(They fight)
HENRY
Colin, my lad, please ensure you restrain your might,
I need her alive.
IRINA
I do not deserve that spite.
(One by one, Swashbuckler, Patrick and Robin come back)
SWASHBUCKLER
Give up, we are holding two of your men captive.
IRINA
You’re a soldier, and strong, but not too perceptive.
You should pay attention and remove your blindfold.
These are not my men. This house is not my stronghold.
You will have to separate the wheat from the chaff.
If you manage, that is.
(She drops her sword. Henry’s opponent surrenders. He approaches her)
HENRY
How about that last laugh?
IRINA
You are gloating again, Henry. When will you learn?
HENRY
When you are exiled for good, never to return.
SWASHBUCKLER
Let’s do what we came for, recover the treaty.
You, there, where is the product of your infamy?
TRAITOR 2
I will never betray –
(Swashbuckler smacks him in the stomach)
SWASHBUCKLER
Colin, watch over them.
Let us search this mansion.
(They each go their separate way. After a minute, a shout is heard off stage)
SWASHBUCKLER
I found it!
(Enter Swashbuckler)
It was hid upstairs, in a cupboard.
(He reads the first lines)
This time ‘tis ascertained. We could never afford
To find a different one again. Time is short.
IRINA
May…May I have a look?
HENRY
Aren’t you a good sport?!
(Swashbuckler rummages in his vest to get the other papers he kept. He gets distracted as one of the traitors tries to escape)
COLIN
Stand still, knave, your fate has been sealed!
SWASHBUCKLER
(Swashbuckler hands over papers to Robin who is standing next to him. He pockets the others)
Robin, my lad,
Please keep that in your coat.
ROBIN
I would be more than glad.
SWASHBUCKLER
&nb
sp; Perchance, if you have time, you can return them.
ROBIN
Yes.
(Robin places the documents as instructed)
PATRICK
What about those traitors?
COLIN
What about that traitress?
IRINA
(To Henry)
He’s not bright, is he?
HENRY
(To Irina)
He’s a man of principle.
PATRICK
Why don’t we take those wretched, god-awful people
And push them firmly, head first, in the Vltava?
HENRY
‘Twould not be cold enough for deadly Irina.
COLIN
They deserve to be hung.
ROBIN
Hanged!
COLIN
What’s the difference?
Can’t men be hung?
HENRY
It is not becoming parlance.
Only coats should be hung. Prithee leave it at that.
As for you Krasota…The so called diplomat.
SWASHBUCKLER
Colin, Robin, Patrick, escort our enemies
To the prison, where they’ll have time for reveries.
I want to thank you first for your contribution,
You helped preserve countries and their population.
You are unsung heroes, will always remain so
If royals show themselves ungrateful, you should know
That you have reasons to be satisfied and proud,
I take this opportunity to say it loud.
Thank you.
COLIN
Is the next round on you?
SWASHBUCKLER
The next three, yes!
COLIN
Hourrah!
SWASHBUCKLER
Also, tomorrow is a time of…liesse…
HENRY
Jubilation.
SWASHBUCKLER
Right, jubilation, revelry.
We get to see the ball…and we’re not on duty!
(Exeunt Colin, Robin, Patrick with the traitors)
HENRY
So, Irina. Are you willing to speak in sooth?
Do you wish to cooperate?
IRINA
I spoke the truth.
I was merely here because I was invited,
This morning, after breakfast. And I accepted.
I knew about the theft, ‘tis why I left Russia.
I suspected like you it would be Bohemia
Where the story would unfold. Again, I was right.
HENRY
Please…
IRINA
‘Tis true!
SWASHBUCKLER
Well, it would not be such a foresight…
IRINA
They needed to ensure Russia would have their ear,
That I…we would pay heed, not welcome them with jeer.
SWASHBUCKLER
What did they say, when they invited you?
IRINA
Not much.
That England and France were conspiring.
SWASHBUCKLER
Well, as such,
‘Tis not entirely false.
IRINA
I had to verify.
It is my drive, as a human and as a spy,
To protect my country. You, too, have the same urge.
‘Tis why we kill men, give birth to many a dirge.
HENRY
Swashbuckler?
SWASHBUCKLER
It has a ring of truth what she says.
If you promise to stay dormant a few more days…
Henry, I leave her all to you.
(Exit Swashbuckler)
Scene 5
IRINA
I make no excuses. I am a patriot,
You know it.
HENRY
Careful you don’t become a zealot.
The line is thin, as you are.
IRINA
Er…Thank you?
HENRY
Your fate,
As it is, I decided it long ago.
IRINA
Great!
How will you get rid of me, Henry? What manner?
Will you kill me here, now? Or in London, later?
Drowned in the Vltava? Or stabbed under a porch?
Lathered with oil then set on fire with a torch?
Abandon me in a desert, island or wood?
Deprive me from sunlight, feed me your English food?
In truth I hope death comes from you, not your fledgling.
Wait…I get it! You found something more…becoming!
Poison of euphorbia – rather its latex?
(Henry is impassive)
Exile in Bedlam? In the Tower? In Sussex?
HENRY
I was thinking…Crete
IRINA
(Startled)
Crete? What’s there? The Labyrinth?
Will you maroon me there with bottles of absinth
Until I turn insane? Devilish contraption!
I know…The Samaria gorge…And dehydration.
Please, Henry, do not leave me hanging endlessly.
How will you write my fate, the end of my story?
HENRY
How does sound a pied-à-terre in Heraklion?
IRINA
What?!
(She pauses a second and finally asks, suspicious)
Who would be my jailer?
HENRY
Your…amphitryon…
Would be me.
IRINA
Are…Are you suggesting we…elope?
HENRY
‘Twould be sanctioned by England – possibly the Pope.
IRINA
(Blasé)
Of course it would. So, you would sacrifice yourself?
Give up your famed career, place your sword on a shelf?
HENRY
Worse still : at all times you would have the upper hand.
A small price to pay for the safety of England!
IRINA
What will the king say knowing his star captain flouts –
HENRY
As long as we are informed of your whereabouts…
‘Tis the opinion prevailing in our kingdom,
You shouldn’t be able to enjoy your freedom.
IRINA
What is yours?
HENRY
You are not fit for fetters either.
You deserve a mansion under a nice weather,
You deserve company other than a jailer ;
You should laugh and revel, it does do you wonder ;
You are meant to be served, not to become a slave,
It should be by a king, not by far by a knave.
You merit no scaffold, rather a pedestal,
Not a condemnation, rather an acquittal.
IRINA
Oh my, captain! Is the mask falling at long last?
Are you…?
HENRY
I am! I…and…well…It happened so fast.
I love you, Madame.
IRINA
I…
HENRY
Allow me to finish.
I am sure of it more than I know I’m English.
Alas, my daily trade is to deal in weapons ;
Not to court fair ladies, but to arrest felons.
I’m not gifted with words, I don’t ken how to woo,
But I do know my heart, and it says I love you.
The choice is yours, Irina.
IRINA
What’s to say, Henry?
(She pauses dramatically)
I thought you’d never ask! Now I’m truly happy.
I tried to sway my hopes, given our history…
You did win me over years ago already.
‘Tis on our third meeting you piqued my interest.
Following which, I made request after request,
So that, all over Europe, our paths would soon cross.
I wanted to make a move, that
time in Patmos…
I thought about what protest, what threat, what promise
It would necessitate for your heart to notice.
I was fast losing hope that you might get your cue.
You were blind. I thought it would never dawn on you.
I’m ashamed to say my duty and feelings mixed.
I had to act. One of the two had to be nixed.
My dear…
HENRY
So you did try to assassinate me!
IRINA
Henry, if I had wanted you dead, you would be!
I was merely trying to get your attention.
I got carried away…I blame it on passion.
Henry, let us put that behind us, finally.
If we weren’t engrossed in our vital duty,
All our missions, orders, unceasing commitments,
We could be playing the role of merry parents.
Heraklion it is!
HENRY
I now feel elated.
The anxiousness within finally abated.
I was afraid of how you might react.
IRINA
How quaint!
You’re adorable when you show such self-restraint.
Though we’ve known each other many years –
HENRY
And counting!
IRINA
I have never seen you like that. ‘Tis endearing.
You’re a good man, Henry, you needn’t feel bashful.
Or ashamed.
HENRY
I don’t, now, and it is wonderful.
IRINA
Now that it is established, let’s get back to Crete.
I have scores of questions, fear to be indiscreet.
What will we do there? What plans have you got in mind?
You must have imagined…
HENRY
Mostly we will unwind.
No more stress or deadly assignments, no more traps.
We can go swimming.
IRINA
Partying.
HENRY
Strolling.
IRINA
Take naps.
HENRY
We can grow grapes.
IRINA
Red. White.
HENRY
Reap them.
IRINA
Eat them.
HENRY
Make wine.
There are amazing landscapes, their food is divine.
IRINA
Will we kiss?
HENRY
I will smother you in caresses.
We shall talk about love like gods and goddesses,
We shall think about love as we would in Heaven,
We shall dream about love like a lad and maiden.
If it pleases you…
IRINA
And how shall we make love?
HENRY
(Tentatively)
Like…commoners?
IRINA
Better still : all of the above!
Henry MacHale, I must say, you have me convinced…
A woman fancies a man whose words are not minced.
I am ready for a life lived with abandon.
HENRY
You wondered, you mused, how death would be brought upon,
You have your answer : little by little.
IRINA
(She mulls it over a few seconds)
Clever…
The little death – La petite mort. Is there better?
HENRY
I love you and am glad you relish the prospect.
But…right now…
IRINA
It will need be delayed, I expect.
HENRY
Yes, love. If your mission is over, mine is not.
I have to kill some deceivers and end a plot.
Meanwhile, pray place yourself under the protection
Of Maria Carolina.
IRINA
Any action
In particular you would have me take?
HENRY
Stay hid.
Trust no one except her. Please do nothing stupid.
IRINA
Why, Henry, I thought you knew me better than that!
HENRY
I do, hence my admonition.
IRINA
I’m cloistered? Drat!
I imagine there’s worse than live in a castle,
Wear fancy dresses, give orders with a whistle,
Eat rare foods, enjoy rare drinks…
HENRY
‘Tis temporary.
IRINA
I know, dear. Only, a woman can dream, can’t she?
Meanwhile, do your best to return in one piece.
Crete won’t be as much fun – I say without malice –
If I have to live there by myself.
HENRY
Not a chance!
I’ll make sure I’m the one, my dear, to bring you thence.
Act V
Scene 1
(A room in Prague Castle. Enter Swashbuckler, Maria Carolina)
MARIA CAROLINA
You see, Armand? You never fail to deliver.
The idea of your failure…It makes me shiver.
I thank you, from the bottom of my – of our hearts.
SWASHBUCKLER
‘Tis a great pleasure to serve Justice. When it thwarts
Evil, as it is wont, I feel my job is done.
MARIA CAROLINA
You earned your rest, the gratitude of everyone.
Armand, let us leave official matters behind.
SWASHBUCKLER
Anything for you, Maria.
MARIA CAROLINA
You are too kind.
I wanted you to tell me more about yourself.
SWASHBUCKLER
I fear all I have to say fits on a bookshelf,
For books are all I know. There are also battles,
But they surely would not give your Highness chortles.
They do not make good conversation.
MARIA CAROLINA
You downplay
Your talents, your culture –
SWASHBUCKLER
But you come off as fey,
While I am…dull.
MARIA CAROLINA
How about your outspokenness?
SWASHBUCKLER
‘Tis naught.
MARIA CAROLINA
Nonsense! And your glibness? Loquaciousness?
You feel more at ease around me than many friends.
That means something, Armand, don’t you think?
SWASHBUCKLER
It depends…
MARIA CAROLINA
On what?
SWASHBUCKLER
On the reasons I have to be at ease.
MARIA CAROLINA
What are those reasons then?
SWASHBUCKLER
Maria, if you please,
I would rather not say.
MARIA CAROLINA
I will respect your stance.
But, needs must, you do have to fill my ignorance :
What happened since Paris? How have you been holding?
How is your regiment? Who have you been loving?
SWASHBUCKLER
Pardon?
MARIA CAROLINA
Your life reads like an adventure novel,
Do not shy from details on personal level.
SWASHBUCKLER
The chevaux-légers are fine, so are my siblings,
(Maria Carolina is distracted by some noise, he whispers)
My days are dull without you, so are my evenings.
MARIA CAROLINA
I am curious…Have you not found someone yet?
Une femme…
SWASHBUCKLER
(Curtly, visibly annoyed)
Has Your Ladyship not been betrothed yet?
MARIA CAROLINA
Did I say something wrong? Did I hurt your feelings?
SWASHBUCKLER
You are prying.
/> MARIA CAROLINA
I am sorry but your harshness stings.
I thought we were friends, Armand, what did I do wrong?
SWASHBUCKLER
Ours is not the kind of story ends with a song.
MARIA CAROLINA
I don’t –
SWASHBUCKLER
Or ‘tis one that befits a swan, maybe.
Allow me to be blunt, to speak with honesty.
There’s a wall between us, even…a mountain range.
Not a thousand more epic feats could make that change.
MARIA CAROLINA
Wait…What are you saying?
SWASHBUCKLER
I’m sure you understand.
I am not one either to do things underhand.
I do not wish false hopes, one more douleur exquise,
I’m a soldier, barely noble…you’re a marquise.
Or a Duchess, or more.
MARIA CAROLINA
A title is not all.
SWASHBUCKLER
Thank you, but we both know this was rhetorical.
MARIA CAROLINA
It is true.
SWASHBUCKLER
It is not reality that you paint,
Only a gentle frieze.
MARIA CAROLINA
My feelings are not feint.
SWASHBUCKLER
There is one thing worse than not having what you want,
It is to have half of it. Please, pardon my rant,
But this is how I feel.
MARIA CAROLINA
What if there’s no barrier?
What if it’s in your head, has a name, it is…fear?
Your exploits warrant your stock. Now, if I just talk –
SWASHBUCKLER
Pray, don’t. I’m afraid of the answer. Let me walk,
Walk away from all of this, this dream, illusion…
I will never give in to that stark delusion.
We are too…
MARIA CAROLINA
What?
SWASHBUCKLER
Bakotxak bere bidea.
MARIA CAROLINA
What does it mean, Armand?
SWASHBUCKLER
If means, dear Maria,
That we’re all here to do what we’re all here to do.
It does apply to me, to your Mother, to you…
We have naught in common. Stars belong in the sky,
Not in a shabby house, even less in a sty.
You know it is true.
MARIA CAROLINA
Stars need shadows to stand out.
You should not be like that, lacking faith, filled with doubt.
SWASHBUCKLER
I belong in the streets, and you in a palace.
I remember that time when you lived in Paris,
How I longed for the moments in which you appeared,
How each time you went out I dreaded and I feared.
I wanted to shield you from the horrid mundane,
Wanted to shelter you from the uncouth profane.
I took the liberty to get all those who leered,
I beat up passers-by who whistled or who jeered.
I was in the shadows, sanitizing your path,
Which was what I needed to unravel my wrath.
Many people gazed, stared, gawked, who were unworthy,
I took upon myself to save your chastity.
I learnt to distinguish between all your outfits ;
I know which are loose, I know which one befits
You most. I can tell the difference when you care –
And when you don’t too – about your choice of nightwear.
I know which robes you don when you feel excited,
Which dresses you put on when you’re dispirited.
I can describe by heart which colors suit you best,
Or how widely you smile after you make a jest.
I know the beauty spots that you have on your cheeks.
You devour strawberries, you are repelled by leeks.
You get mildly annoyed when you are offered tea :
You are partial to blacker and stronger coffee.
Yet I never forgot my role of protector.
MARIA CAROLINA
Then you know a lot more than many a suitor,
All those royals who think they’re entitled to me,
Because they bear a title of nobility.
SWASHBUCKLER
I have flaws, you, foibles, I strut while you sashay,
You have a race, a pedigree, while I’m a stray.
Watching your ebullience is like drinking a cup
Filled with the laughter of children. I can’t keep up…
Sun rays have nothing on you, me, they render blind.
I carry not Cupid’s odd bow, barely his mind.
I am a good soldier, but otherwise clumsy,
I have naught to offer of which you are worthy.
MARIA CAROLINA
See? That is why, Armand, I need a man like you,
Someone who every day looks upon me anew.
Someone who notices the tiniest details,
Who knows all the problems my position entails :
The court, the appearances, or the etiquette,
The curtsies, the obligations, or the corset.
SWASHBUCKLER
Yet you need a title to bear all that with you.
Your Mother would say so.
MARIA CAROLINA
My mother has no clue!
(Hastily)
Please, don’t tell her I said that!
SWASHBUCKLER
Your secret is safe.
If I slip, may God strike me, turn me in a waif.
MARIA CAROLINA
Thank you. I will now resume what I was saying.
My dear sister, Marie-Antoinette, her wedding
Will take place in a few weeks, as you are aware.
SWASHBUCKLER
I am.
MARIA CAROLINA
That’s it. Political alliances
Are no longer needed.