“Oh.” Aside from their insane rules, Mr. and Mrs. Keller seemed like angels. What they were doing was good. And I was sure they had good reasons for their rules. But for me, I just couldn’t imagine not having Jackson in my life. They didn’t know how much we needed each other.
As I brushed my hair in the dresser mirror, I noticed Sophia behind me, watching with curiosity. “What?”
“Who did you call? Last night?” Her voice was soft, hesitant.
I turned around to face her. “My boyfriend.”
“You have a boyfriend?” Her face flushed. She moved to my bed and plopped down, wearing a giddy smile. “What’s he like? What’s his name? Oh my god, do you kiss him?”
I went toward her with the brush. She was dressed and ready for school, but she still had a swirly nest of bedhead just above the back of her neck. As I brushed out her hair I told her all about Jax like we were long-lost sisters. “He’s tall, with nice muscles.” I giggled. “He’s a really good swimmer, and he’s a great writer. He has golden-y brown hair and eyes, and his skin always has this glow to it. He’s very handsome.”
“And the kissing? Tell me about it, please. I’m dying. Oh my god, I’m dying to know what it’s like.”
“Girls!” Mrs. Keller’s voice boomed from the bottom of the stairs.
Sophia popped up and darted for the door. “Breakfast!” She turned in the doorway. “We gotta get down there. Promise you’ll tell me after school?”
“Promise.”
At the bottom of the stairs was a brand-new backpack and sweater. “Will that do?” Mr. Keller asked from where he was standing statue-like near the front door.
“Yes, it’s great, thank you.”
He nodded. “Better get in there and get your breakfast.”
We inhaled our French toast at the large oval table while Mr. Keller shouted out a minute-by-minute countdown. Thomas repeated Mr. Keller several times, his voice like a little robot’s.
“Ten minutes till the van leaves. Ten minutes, girls,” Thomas said over and over as he picked off all the dark parts of his toast and set them aside on a little napkin.
At the three-minute warning, Thomas jumped down from his chair and came up to me, his face inches from mine. “Three minutes till the van leaves. Three minutes, Emerson. You better go.” He looked terrified even though he wasn’t making eye contact. Brandon and Daniel sat quietly on the other side of the table. Their shaggy hair and transfixed gazes as they watched Thomas melt down made the twins look like they were in one of those “big eyes” paintings. Two little ragamuffins with giant alien-like saucers for eyes.
Daniel blurted out, “He does that because he doesn’t like it when people are late.”
“It’s okay,” I said, and then I lifted Thomas’s chin so that his eyes were more level with mine. “Thomas?”
“Yeah.” He still wouldn’t let his eyes meet mine. They were darting from the ceiling to the floor to the walls around me.
“Will you look at me?” He did, but he looked extremely uncomfortable when he did it. “Everything is going to be okay. Sophia and I are going to make it to school on time.” I smiled.
A brief look of serenity flashed in his eyes. He smiled back and then looked at the floor and muttered, “Okay, but now you only have two minutes. You better go.”
We all laughed except for Thomas, who went back to picking at his toast.
At the one-minute mark, Sophia and I were walking out to the Sprinter van in the driveway. “Have a good day at school, girls,” Mrs. Keller called from the doorway.
Mr. Keller was already in the driver’s seat. He didn’t say anything until we were pulling into the driveway at New Clayton High. “You’ll go to the office up that path for your schedule, Emerson. Your guidance counselor will walk you through it.”
“Okay, great.”
He glanced at me in the rearview mirror. “After school you’ll walk straight to the library in the center of town to meet Sophia. She gets out after you, so wait on the steps until she gets there. Mrs. Keller will pick you girls up at four p.m. Make sure your homework is done by then.”
“Got it, Mr. Keller. Thanks for everything. ’Bye, Sophie.”
“’Bye.” She leaned over and whispered, “I want to hear about the kissing later. Don’t forget.”
“I’m sure you’ll remind me.”
We laughed. I jumped out of the van, and right before I closed the door, Mr. Keller looked back at me and said, “Remember the rules, Emerson.”
“I will.”
I WAS THROWN into life with the Kellers, a version of foster home Stepford robots, with Daniel and Brandon, the precious, neglected, doe-eyed twins, and autistic Thomas and his pieces of toast, and Sophia—sweet, sweet Sophia. Then there was me, Emerson, the new girl at New Clayton with her new backpack, her new purplish sweater, and her new bruised eye, and a stitched lip to match.
I wasn’t even going to try to make friends on my first day at New Clayton High. I didn’t know how long I’d be living with the Kellers; on the drive over, Paula had told me they would look for family members who might be able to take me in. I thought that was hysterical, considering my own mother had abandoned me.
As other high schoolers rushed past me, I stood at the top of the walkway on campus and wondered, Who am I? Will I ever know? Will this shitty-ass life and my shitty-ass parents define who I am? Will I ever feel normal?
Thankfully, I had been way ahead in my classes at Neeble, so most of what I heard on my first day at New Clayton was review. The day went by in a blur.
After school, I did as I was told and walked to the library to wait for Sophia. As soon as she saw me, she ran from the corner, her heavy backpack swooshing back and forth behind her. When she was about twenty feet away, she called out, “The kissing! You’re going to tell me about the kissing!”
“Shhh, Sophia, not so loud.”
“What? You can’t get into trouble here; we have until four to do whatever we want.”
“That’s only about an hour.”
“Well, I got my homework done at lunch, so we can talk and look for books and you can tell me about kissing Jackson.”
I huffed. “Well, if you want to know the truth, Jackson and I only really kissed a couple of times.”
This did not deter her. “What was it like? Tell me, tell me!”
I closed my eyes and thought about our kiss. Tingles ran through my body. “Well, it’s like this. He closes his eyes and tilts his head, and I do the same, and our lips touch, and, well . . . that’s all you need to know at your age.”
She looked up to the sky, enchanted. “Wow. I totally want to kiss a boy.”
“When I was your age, I thought boys were gross. I even thought Jackson was gross.”
“You knew him when you were eight?”
“Yeah, I’ve known him my whole life.”
“So he’s like your brother?”
“No! That’s disgusting. He was the boy next door, then he became my friend, and then we became more when we got older.”
It occurred to me then that I might be able to use the hour after school to call Jackson or meet with him. I brightened at the thought. “So does Mrs. Keller pick us up at four every day?”
“Yep, like clockwork. It’s so we have a quiet place to study. The boys get antsy and loud in the afternoon.”
Sophia and I went into the library and checked out some books. I finished up a few geometry problems, and then we waited on the steps until the Sprinter van pulled up with Mrs. Keller at the helm and the three boys in their booster seats across the first backseat bench.
“Mrs. Keller, can I sit in front?” Sophia asked.
“Sure.”
I slid into the far backseat. It felt like I was riding the school bus again, but Jax wasn’t there to hold my hand. Mrs. Keller and Sophia talked about school. Although I think the Kellers tried very hard to maintain a sense of reserve and formality, I could sense a bond between Mrs. Keller and Sophia. It made me happy
for her. She deserved it.
Later that night, Sophia told me more about the Kellers.
“They have a son, Liam. He’s a hotshot lawyer in New York. I guess Mrs. Keller tried to have another baby for a long time but couldn’t. That’s why she does this.”
“Does Liam ever come to visit?”
“On holidays and stuff, but he doesn’t really hang out with the foster kids.”
“What about money?”
“What about it?”
I was thinking about how I could get money to call Jackson after school. “Do the Kellers give you an allowance?”
She laughed. “Yeah, right!”
7. Talking
“Go! Go! Go, baby!!” Trevor yelled at the TV and then leapt to his feet. “Woohoo!” He did a ridiculous touchdown dance while screaming at the top of his lungs. I looked up from my book and sniffled.
Cara peeked her head out of her room. “Keep it down, you big oaf!”
“Hey, Avril Lavigne, why don’t you go find an open mic night somewhere?” I looked up from my book and marveled at how casually he teased Cara. Why didn’t Trevor and I have that same kind of playful dynamic? In fact, why didn’t I have that with anyone? The last person I’d been that close to was Jase.
Cara came up to the back of the couch and leaned over to look at me, smiling. “I never get his insults.” She paused. “Wait a minute, are you crying?”
“No,” I squeaked.
“Trevor, your woman is sitting here bawling her head off and you’re over there dancing around like a fool?”
I laughed through my tears. “I’m crying because of the dancing.”
In a low voice, Cara said, “Seriously, are you okay? Come talk to me.” Then she shook her head at Trevor and walked away.
Trevor came toward me with a look of faint concern. “Why are you crying—for real, Emi?”
I sat up and he sat down next to me. “I was just thinking about this little girl and these three little boys I was in foster care with.”
“You were in foster care? I thought your aunt adopted you when your parents died.”
I took a breath. “My mom and dad aren’t dead, Trevor. At least, my dad isn’t.”
He looked shocked. Of course he would be. I had been lying to him. “Where are they now? Why’d you go to live with Cyndi if your parents are alive?”
I took a deep breath. “My mom took off when I was ten. I don’t know where she is. And my dad’s in jail, I think. At least, he used to be.”
Trevor looked stunned. “For what?”
“Felony child abuse and neglect,” I said, trying hard not to make eye contact. If I saw pity on Trevor’s face, I would lose it.
“Wow, Emi. So he really beat you up?”
“He did the last time. Jase too, kind of.” I took another deep breath. “You know what? Maybe it’s not such a bad idea for you to read the book when I’m done. It’s fictionalized, but it’ll give you a good idea of what I went through as a kid.”
Trevor sank down next to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. “I’m really sorry, Emi. I wish you’d felt like you could have told me this a long time ago. You never talked about your past, and I didn’t want to push. I figured your parents were good people and that you were an orphan, not abused and neglected.”
I rested my head against his shoulder. “I’m sorry I lied to you. You really didn’t deserve that.” And I meant it. It was despicable that I had lied to him. “When we met, I was telling everyone they were dead. It was just easier that way. It’s hard for me to relive what I went through, but as I read Jase’s book, I’m forced to face it all again. It’s not easy.” I set the book down on the floor. “I think I’ve had enough for tonight.”
He squeezed my shoulder. “You know what’ll take your mind off that book?”
“What?” I asked hopefully.
“A Cal victory.” He jerked a thumb toward the TV. “Wanna watch with me?”
My heart sank for a moment. Trevor always took what I said at face value; he wasn’t the type to wade into emotional territory if he didn’t have to. Just one of the many reasons why it had been so easy to lie to him all those years ago.
I gave him a weak smile. “Sure.”
HOURS LATER, AFTER Cal won, we jumped up from the couch and ran through Cara’s door shouting, “Go Bears!” She sat at her desk, watching us with a smile.
I was trying so hard to be in the moment, but as we jumped up and down, I felt like I was outside of my body, watching some girl I barely recognized jumping with joy next to her perfect boyfriend and her perfect friend in her perfect apartment. But it wasn’t really me. Jase’s book had reminded me who I really was.
My smile faded as my mind went exactly where I didn’t want it to go. Why didn’t he look for me? Do I even want to be found?
“What happened, Emi?” Trevor asked.
I took a deep breath and realized I had stopped cheering. “I’m just tired.”
Cara watched me with concern. “Trevor, I think Emi and I need a girls’ night.” She arched her eyebrows at me.
I took his hand in mine and turned to face him. “That actually sounds nice. I could use some ice cream and John Hughes movies.”
“I get it, I get it.” He smiled, pecked me on the lips, and then called over his shoulder, “Have fun, ladies.”
The second we heard the front door close behind him, I turned toward Cara. “Thank you so much.”
“You just want to get back to that book, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
Cara smirked. “Then you’re totally going with me to his book event tomorrow to meet him. It’s in San Diego—lucky us.”
My heart started racing. “Um, I can’t.”
“What? Why not? What do you have to do tomorrow?” She watched me cautiously from her desk as I slowly lowered myself to the edge of her bed. “Why are you acting so weird?”
“Because . . .” I sighed. I couldn’t hide it any longer. “Because I know him,” I said under my breath. My heart started beating even faster.
“You know who?”
“The author. J. Colby.”
“What? Are you fucking kidding me?” She stood up from her desk chair, almost knocking it over in the process. “What do you mean you know him? You didn’t even know about this book until a few days ago.”
“I know him, Cara.” I widened my eyes for emphasis.
“Like, in the biblical sense?”
“That’s not exactly was I was implying, but . . . yeah. I know him that way too.”
I could see the wheels turning as she tried to put it all together. “You’re from Ohio . . . and he’s from Ohio.” She stared ahead blankly, like a zombie, then went into the kitchen, grabbed the bottle of tequila, and returned. She took a swig and handed the bottle over to me. “Talk,” she demanded.
“I don’t have to. You’ve just read everything you need to know about me.”
Her eyes widened. “So it’s you? You’re Emerson?”
I nodded. “It’s all true. He glosses over some things, but yeah . . . it all happened.”
“Jesus. You haven’t finished yet, I take it?”
“No, I’m at the part when Emerson goes to the Kellers’. So far it’s all true, except maybe the part about Jax’s six-pack.” I rolled my eyes.
She was silent for a minute and then she began laughing hysterically, almost psychotically, until I started laughing too. She buckled over, in tears. “This is insane, Emi. In. Sane. This guy wrote a whole book about you and you didn’t even know it until you started reading it?” She laughed even harder and then stopped abruptly. “So wait . . . does that mean you were in a foster home with four other kids?”
My own laughter died down. “Yeah, but not for very long.”
“Do you have any contact with the little girl?”
I shook my head no. I wished I’d stayed in touch with her. I owed it to her. But like everything else remotely relating to Ohio, I had compartmentalized h
er away, too afraid to indulge in any memories. “I guess she’d be in college by now.” My eyes welled up again.
“Was it true what happened to her? What you did?”
“You mean before I left?”
“Yeah.”
“I haven’t gotten that far yet, but so far everything that I’ve read really happened.”
Cara stood up and hugged me. “I’m so glad I know you, Emi.” I started crying immediately, giving in to the emotional roller-coaster ride. She pulled me closer toward her. “None of it was your fault. You know that, right?”
Years of therapy had tried to convince me of the same thing.
“Fine, let’s avoid the hard stuff. Tell me more about the guy. Is he as hot as I’m imagining him to be? Was every girl in love with him in high school?”
I laughed through my tears. “His name is Jase Colbertson. He and I used to finish each other’s sentences. He knew me inside and out. We spent so many years together, playing and talking. We wrote hundreds of short stories and spent pretty much every moment together. Up until I went to live with Cyndi and Sharon, he was the only person who ever truly cared about me.”
“He obviously thought very highly of you,” Cara said soothingly as she rubbed my back.
“I mean, maybe in fiction. In real life, he hasn’t reached out to me in twelve years.” I was still heartbroken that he had never looked for me. After I went to college, I had looked for him a few times online, but never got any hits. As more time passed, I figured he had gotten over us and moved on. I could see now that I was right. Jase was living his life in California the way he had dreamed he would, but I wasn’t a part of it.
When we were kids he’d say, I’m gonna publish a book by the time I’m thirty. And he had done it. He had a bestselling novel and a book tour set up by a publisher, and he’d done it all without me. He was gorgeous and talented and had everything he wanted. Why would he ever come looking for me? That bastard.
Cara pulled back and looked me in the eyes. “You should finish the book and go with me to see him tomorrow.”
I sniffled. “I don’t know. Maybe.” I thought about all those deleted messages I hadn’t sent through his website. A part of me still wanted to give him a piece of my mind. “I might be a little curious to see him, but I need to finish the book first.”