Sweat Zombies
by
Raymund Hensley
Copyright 2013 by Raymund Hensley
https://www.facebook.com/RaymundHensley
Cover design by the author.
CONTENTS
DON'T TAP ON THE GLASS
CHAPTER ONE
Exercise To Exorcise
CHAPTER TWO
Zombies On Treadmills
CHAPTER THREE
A Pirate's Life For Me
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
BOOK PREVIEW
How I Met Barbara The Zombie Hunter
DON'T TAP ON THE GLASS
I wish that old lady would stop looking at me.
She was on drugs and had the eyes of a badger. I ran on that treadmill with my heart pounding in my ears. I had to focus on my workout. I had to concentrate. Forget about that crackhead outside trying to be sexy. She grabbed her crotch with her left hand and made little jumping movements and fondled her tongue and hollered sensual, gladiatorial sounds. All that passion made me shudder. I hated being up front. Just yesterday, three rich, Japanese women stopped at the window, pointed at me, laughed with their hands over their lips, and scurried away on their high heels. Why were they giggling? What did I do? I knew what they were talking about....
“He'll never have a chance with erotic, successful, Asian women like us,” says Lady #1.
“I'd rather stick my face in an overzealous alligator than kiss that guy,” says Lady #2.
Forget them. Focus on your exercise. On most days, you'd find me running near the back wall. That day was different. See, I was there for Nikki. She was on the center treadmill, five down from me. The plan? Go treadmill-hopping and get next to her. Just keep running, I thought. Don't look at her. Say nothing. Play it cool. Let her get used to your presence first – your scent.
Two men stood outside the window and looked at Nikki. They dressed like they were going to a hip, douchebag club – with their tongues hanging out, their tilted baseball caps, their white dress shirts, their blue jeans, their white shoes. They longed for her. Ah! This was perfect. They had her attention. It was time for me to get closer....The old crack addict in the blue church dress wobbled closer to the window and gazed up at me. She smiled and got nasty – drilled her right hand in and out of her mouth. She was determined. Her wooden teeth fell out and shattered on the pavement, some ricocheting off the window. Still running, I blurted:
“Good Lord! Help us sinners!”
I turned off the treadmill and sucked in air. The crackhead shoved in a new set of teeth and made a kissy face and massaged her breasts. The fitness center's security guard was standing nearby and eating a piece of cake with chopsticks. I reached out to him.
“Herb, can't you do something? Jesus, Mary and Jerome...I'm a disturbed paying customer.”
He shrugged.
“I'm on break. Can't you see I'm trying to learn how to eat cake with chopsticks? I have that Japan trip next month. It'll be great. I'm gonna buy so many panties from vending machines. Did you know they're from real high school girls?”
I shook my head.
“You idiot. That's a myth. Not to mention severely gross. Pervert Hell's waiting for you.”
I heard tapping on the window. The old woman's mouth was on it – tongue dancing and leaving behind trails of spit. She banged her fists on the glass. “I love you! I love you, boy!”
My eyes got real wide with shame. I looked around, then pointed to myself.
“Me?”
She kicked at the window.
“Just give me a chance! Don't judge me until you've sampled my wares!”
I jumped back, sure that she'd crash through. Then Nikki howled in frustration and jumped off her treadmill. The place shook a little. That's what happens when you're seven feet tall.
“I can't work under these bestial conditions!”
Herb rolled his eyes and groaned. “Stop your bellyaching, Nikki. Get back on that treadmill and do what you do.” He put his cake down and sauntered over to the window. He waved his hands around and spoke like an angel, like he was talking to a venomous snake.
“Easy, lady. You better leave before I call the cops.”
The old woman looked appalled.
“Peace be with you.”
She smiled, bowed, and skipped down the sidewalk, singing "Skip to My Lou".
I heard demanding voices. The two douchebags from earlier were at the front desk, asking about Nikki. The receptionist smiled and pulled on a cord. The owner of the joint – Seria – strutted out of her office and stuffed pamphlets into each man's paw.
“Welcome, gentlemen! Let me give you a free tour of our fine establishment.”
They tried talking their way out of it, but Seria had them by the arms. After walking around, and looking at women in tights bending over and stretching, both men signed up as lifelong members. Minutes later, they were running next to Nikki...a man on each side...no way for me to get in. It was embarrassing watching them flirt with her. She kept her eyes straight ahead as she ran, smiling here and there. She had them. A fool could see that, but these guys didn't care. They spoke over each other. One guy tried to predict her astrology sign, the other guy tried to get sympathy by telling her how his wife died in a freak bullfighting accident. All the while, three more guys had gathered outside the window, staring up at Nikki as she ran. The men outside yelled and clapped, clearly drunkards.
She blew them kisses, messed around with her hair and tied it up. More cheering from the gallery. Minutes later, those guys strolled into the fitness center, signed up, and were running around Nikki – those fools all huffing and puffing and drunk and falling over. One of them dropped into a comatose state and vomited into his dreams. Apparently, he ate a lot of rice. The mess was disgusting. Everyone kept running. The stink of stomach acid was alive in the air.
At two in the morning, I packed up and walked toward the front door. I passed Seria's office and heard great laughter. I looked in, careful to not be seen. Seria was behind her desk, leaning back in her chair with a big cigar in her mouth, counting money into Nikki's smiling hands.
Nikki....
She looked just like Elaine.
CHAPTER ONE
Exercise To Exorcise
As a medical transcriptionist, I turned recordings into written documents. I loved being in the privacy of my own home and not having to deal with customers, but the gig came with problems. For one, my days were spent listening to doctors spitting into my ear all these horrible medical issues, like amputations, liver diseases, abortions, foot fungi, stomach worms, buttock worms, and so on. I'd have these terrible nightmares....The other thing negative about the job, was I never went out into the sun. Calcium was a concern. To help with my weak bones, I needed to take vitamin D and calcium supplement pills. Here's a quick health lesson: Contrary to popular belief, calcium is not in vitamin D. It's a mineral that you get from a variety of sources, like fish. Vitamin D is what you need for your body to make use of calcium.
To do my work, I always had to step on this pedal to start or end a recording. Nine times out of ten, you'd get a doctor that mumbles. I was always stopping and going to make sure I heard them right. I had to be careful. I was at the end of my rope – one mistake too many in my career. My boss warned me that if I got another complaint from a doctor, I'd get the boot. Ever since the economy went to shit, the transcriptionist field turned into a competitive battle ground. I had twenty people lined up to take my job. I could hear them clawing outside my front door like raccoons foaming at the mouth. The brutes....
At the end of every month, I'd go to the hospital to get my checks. I was in and out of that place for five years. Ben and Elaine were always there. They were the only ones I cared to say hello
to. Everyone else looked upset. The thing about Elaine was that, yes, she was cute, but I never thought any more of her. She didn't meet my “dream girl” requirements.
When I walked into the lobby and saw them kissing, I was confused by the knife in my heart. I felt betrayed. What was happening to me? In the elevator, I had to keep talking – had to hide how I was feeling – that I was rotting inside by the second.
“How long have you guys been seeing each other? A week?”
“A year,” Ben said, wrapping his arm around Elaine's waist.
I gave a forced laughed. “A year? How interesting. I had no idea.”
Elaine had her sights on Ben through the whole ride up.
“I've found the love of my life,” she said.
The words were like icicles falling into my eyes. I felt the tears coming, and the craziness. The elevator doors opened.
“I have to use the bathroom. I'm exploding,” I said, and ran out of there. I hid in a bathroom stall and cried on the toilet.
“What's wrong with me?”
You love her.
I ran to the sink and splashed water on my face.
“I do?”
My reflection shook its head.
She's always hugging you during goodbyes; laughing and touching your shoulder whenever you tell bad jokes....Don't you get it? She's put a spell on you.
“You're an asshole. There's no spell on me. I'm out of here.”
I got my check from the boss lady – Linda.
“Hold it a minute,” she said. “I have an important announcement. We're firing you.”
“WHAT!”
“And everyone else. The days of the medical transcriptionist are over. Blame technology. Doctors are using computers now that understand their mumbling and print out their medical notes. Time for us to freshen up on our cashiering skills.”
“This is a nightmare. I can't work out there with people. They'll crucify me!” I slapped my hands over my chest. “A heart attack....Perfect! I'd rather die than handle customers!”
My legs gave out. I fell into Linda's arms. We eased to the floor. She looked over her shoulder.
“Medic! Man down!”
Ben and Elaine ran up in slow motion. My eyes were all on her. I wanted Elaine to be the last thing I remembered before I died.
“Come back as a butterfly,” I told myself. “Come back as a butterfly and live in Elaine's closet.”
Somewhere in the hospital, a baby cried.
I woke up in a hospital bed. My eyes adjusted. I could make out a figure of a woman next to me. It was Elaine.
“I missed you,” she said. “I was so afraid.”
I smiled and touched her face with the back of my hand.
“I dreamed of you. I dreamed that we were running through tall grass and holding hands.”
She brushed back my hair.
“I have a secret I've been wanting to tell you for a long time.”
My heart braced for impact. She leaned in and said the words that lifted my soul.
“I love you. I've always loved you. I want to be with you forever. Do you love me?”
I sat up in bed.
“Yes, yes, my love! Yes! Let's be together!”
I closed my eyes and puckered my lips. She leaned in...and...her face turned into Linda's.
She screamed and fell out of her chair.
“He's a pervert!”
I looked around for Elaine.
“What happened just now?”
“Well...you started yakking in your sleep...something about a supernatural field made of human hands. I was scared.”
“Why am I in this hospital bed?”
“You stupid or somethin'? You had a heart attack, remember?”
“You're a liar. I'm healthy as a spring chicken. I take vitamin supplements.”
A knock at the door, and the doctor walked in with a clipboard.
“I'm late for my dinner with millionaires, so I'll make this quick. You had a heart attack. Exercise more. Call me in the morning. Goodbye.”
The doctor ran down the hallway, shrieking, “I'm late! I'm late!”
Linda looked at me like she was looking at a poor, wounded lamb.
“Awww. You poor, wounded lamb. Don't hate Dr. Purr. I'm sure if you were rich and successful he'd care more.”
I got out of bed and wobbled my way to the bathroom. I paused....
“Did Elaine drop by?”
Linda thought for a moment and shook her head.
“Nope. Last I saw, she had her teeth all over Ben. I knew they'd get together.”
“You did?”
“She's always hugging him during goodbyes; laughing and touching his shoulder whenever he tells bad jokes....Such a lovely couple. Like angels, they are. God loves them.”
I groaned and walked into the bathroom and closed the door and sat on the toilet. They were somewhere out there in the world, kissing, fondling each other. I put my elbows on my knees and gripped my head.
“Get out of my head, Elaine. Leave me alone. Get out of my head.”
My reflection appeared in the mirror over the sink.
I'm getting tired of this. Yank yourself together and make something of yourself. Go out there and pretend to be somebody!
I fished my head out from my hands.
“I deserve this suffering. I'm bad. I'm EVIL. I should be happy for my friends. Elaine, give me peace. Be with ME. Love me. Hold me. Cradle me. Tongue me. Shower me with kisses. Rub the small of my back, and then the large of my front. Someone help! I need mental help, dammit! At least I always have myself for support.”
A shadow of something big fell and swung in the air.
Myself had hung himself.
A note was taped to his chest.
Praise Jesus! it read. I no longer have to listen to your drivel. It's depressing. I have better people to watch over.
After a few days at the hospital, it was time to leave.
A nurse rolled me out in a wheelchair. A muscular doctor, fresh from the ER and covered in gore, strolled by. The nurse floated after him with hearts in her eyes. He put a leash around her neck and shoved a dollar into her mouth. They vanished into a dark room. I walked to the bus stop, still wearing what I called “the hospital dress”.
At home, I stayed in bed for two days...crying over Elaine every hour, pissing myself because I was too drunk and depressed to get up. Every time I tried to get up, I felt waves of hopelessness crash over me. When I couldn't stand the pain of my stomach eating itself, I got up and made a bowl of 12 scrambled eggs. I washed it down with beer and passed out on the floor in front of the TV. At around three in the morning, I woke up to the sound of a crazy person screaming about how unattractive I was. Since I had been crying in my sleep, my eyes were shut sight tight due to “eye boogers”. I held my breath and forced them open. Many eyelashes were torn then. At least I could see.
The woman on TV was standing in a gym. Sweating, groaning, beautiful people lifting weights surrounded her. She pointed at me.
“You!”
I sat up.
“Whaaa...”
The woman grinned. Under her face appeared the text: Seria Serious – Owner.
“Not happy with your looks? Do potential lovers throw rotten fruit at you to scare you away? Then you should work out at Sweat Zombies! We have the best gear and the best instructors guaranteed to make you beautifuler.”
The camera turned to a scientist holding a boiling beaker in one hand and a pie chart in the other.
“Hello. I'm a smart scientist. My studies have confirmed what I've believed since I was a wee lad, and it is this: Exercise and exercisING makes you more attractive; but you don't have to take myyy word for it. Listen to these satisfied customers.”
A satisfied Chinese man walked out from behind a red curtain.
“Hi. I'm a muscular Chinese man. Once I was lost, but now I am found. I was ugly before I came to Sweat Zombies. Look at me now!”
He flexed his arms, and
so much meat popped out. I was horrified and impressed at the same time. This Asian fellow took out a can of beans, held it between his knees, and squeezed until the can exploded. Chinese toddlers ran up and cheered and ate the mess with their hands. It was a grand feast. All were merry. Their sexy mothers ran up to the man and started fondling him in a nasty way and kissed his cheeks, eyes, nose, lips, ears, neck, and scalp.
A cymbal crashed. Ninja smoke filled the screen. Kids screamed and begged for mercy and ran off. The owner of the fitness center walked out from the mess, coughing and waving away the smoke.
“So come on dowwwn to Sweat Zombies.” A rope fell next to her head. She pulled on it. A red curtain nearby opened revealing a flock of attractive males and females, gyrating all over each other – plus much slobbering and smelling. The owner stood in the middle of all this sexual activity. Everyone pointed at the camera and said at the same time:
“Your new life awaits you!”
I turned the TV off. I'd seen enough. It was amazing. I imagined myself in that Chinese fellow's muscular shoes. I imagined Elaine all over my new body – wanting me, kissing me, loving me. I leaned back in my chair and began imagining our future family, our future life. I saw us running across the beach, splashing water at each other, then tonguing and hugging and giggling. My eyes sprung open.
“Elaine...if you can read my mind...just know that I love you. I mean, I think I love you. I can't get you out of my brain. If that ain't love, I don't know what is.”
I ate some cheesecake and guzzled three more beers and enjoyed the dizziness. My mind was set: In the morning, I'd go to Sweat Zombies and sign up.
“New me, here I come.”
I got there at 1pm.
A group of threatening, loud women with short hair, dressed as bikers stared up at a window. A lady was on the other side, running on a treadmill. She blew the biker girls kisses. They hooted and pumped their fists into the air. I thought to myself, My, my, that runner is indeed the pretty one.
Elaine ran through the kitchen in my skull, kicking over a table and throwing dinner plates on the ground.
“You traitor! I thought you only had eyes for me?!”
Baby, I'm sorry. You're the prettiest girl in the world. All other girls are shit.