“I can't be here. I have to go now.”
She grabbed my shoulder.
“Thanks for the water, babe.”
My voice shook.
“Keep it. It's on you. I mean, me.”
She smiled.
“Let me pay you back a little something.
Nikki walked close. I stopped breathing. Her chest pushed me against the glass wall. She put her arms up, fencing me in. She was so much taller than me, I had to look up to meet her gaze. Pippy snored and mumbled something about being infested with ghosts. Nikki looked into my eyes. She had something important to say.
“I know you've been watching me.” Her breath smelled like cheap beer. “Do you think about me when you're in bed? Do you touch yourself when you think about me? I have a secret. I think about you all the time – in bed, in the shower, in the kitchen...on the treadmill. I've wanted to kiss you for so long, lover.”
She closed her eyes and went in for the kill.
And I let her.
And it was glorious.
My heart imploded. I took in a deep breath and wrapped my arms around her and kissed her neck – ran my tongue up and down the bumps of her throat – slid my hands up her shirt and fondled her breasts. She moaned. “I want this. I won't regret this in the morning.”
Her hand rubbed my stomach...and slid down....
Elaine's face shot before my eyes, her head zooming out from darkness, eyes on fire, mouth full of snakes. It was only for a split second – enough for me to push Nikki away. She looked confused.
“What's wrong?” She massaged her breasts and puckered her lips. “Jag tycker om dig,” she said in Swedish. “Don't I do it for you, lover?”
I was getting a headache. I shut my eyes and rubbed my temples.
“My head hurts. Please...I'm sorry.”
I ran out of there, straight into the bathroom and threw up into a toilet. Did all that really happen? Did I dream it? A fat man in a red speedo walked out of a stall, saw me on all fours with vomit all over my mouth, gave me a disgusted look, and exited. I went to a sink and washed my face. When I looked into the mirror, it wasn't me I saw. It was Elaine's. She was dressed like the Devil – in one of those cheap Halloween costumes for kids. She flew like Superman out of the mirror and tackled me to the ground, strangling me, screeching at me, slobbering all over my mouth. Her eyes were reptilian.
“You cheated on me! You loser! You LOSER!”
I dug my feet into her belly and pushed. She sailed through the air and rolled across the ground. I got up and shook my head clear. I put Elaine in a headlock. She bit into my arm. I didn't feel it.
“I don't love you anymore, Elaine! I love someone else now! Goodbye!”
I yanked upwards and her head POPPED off. Instead of blood, flies shot out and buzzed over my head. Elaine spun around and banged into walls. I ripped her arms off, then her legs. I stuffed everything about her into a toilet. I threw her head in there, too. “Cheater!” she said, and spat in my face. I shut my eyes – squeezed – and opened them again....
On the water was her picture, all torn up.
“Get me out of here!” said the voice in my head. “Damn! Curses! Curses on you! Lonely forever! Lonely forever!”
I put my foot on the toilet tank handle, and flushed.
CHAPTER TWO
Zombies On Treadmills
I woke up in bed at 7 PM. Sober. I was impressed. Not one drink in three days. I felt...healthier. I jumped out of bed, did some jumping jacks, drank 12 raw eggs, took a freezing cold shower, got dressed, and left for Sweat Zombies. I walked to the bus stop with a smile on my face. I took big, confident steps. I waved to people – especially the elderly.
When I got off the bus in downtown Honolulu, I saw strange lights shooting out of a building. I walked by. It was another fitness center – a new one called The Hard Meat. The place was a night club plus fitness center. I looked through a window. Inside were guys in dress shirts and shiny shoes, holding drinks and staring at women lifting weights and doing yoga. Some men had a drink in one hand, a dumbbell in the other. A lot of men were just staring – and cheering – at how much their friends could lift. Most of the women were off to the side, exercising, some even in dresses and heels. The terrible dance music was timed with flashing lights that made me dizzy. There was an argument at the front door. A skinny kid wanted to get in. The Samoan bouncer in black wouldn't hear of it.
“Got any identification on you?”
The kid shook his head.
“You have to let me in. My girl's in there! I can't have drunk, wealthy, muscular men looking at her! I don't trust her. She'll leave me!”
The bouncer pointed at the mountains.
“Beat it. Don't make me put my finger down.”
The kid sulked, kicked invisible trash, and scurried away. I gave a final look into that place, laughed at the desperate men inside, and walked toward Sweat Zombies. When I got there, I saw Nikki running on her treadmill. This time, Japanese businessmen were outside staring up at her, chatting in an excited way. I went inside to talk to her – to explain my rudeness the other day. Still running, she grinned.
“Aww, you're cute.”
I shrugged.
“It's who I choose to be.”
She nodded to the window.
“Now forgive me for being rude, but you're gonna have to leave me alone now. Your ugliness is scaring away my customers.”
I looked. She was right. There was only one Japanese businessman outside, smiling and eating sushi. I said I understood, and moved on. I had to be more careful next time – more respectful. Never, ever bother her while she's working. Check. I went to my usual bench. A part of the ground was erected. The titles had given way, revealing dirt and grass and centipedes and millipedes. The spot was sealed off with police tape. Seria, dressed like a construction worker, handed me a yellow construction hat like the one she had on.
“Wear this. I need your help.”
“What's this about?”
“The spot where you dropped those weights made a little lump.”
“Oh. I didn't notice.”
“At first I didn't worry much about it. This morning, I get a phone call while taking a dump that, Jesus Christ, someone tripped and their barbell landed on their throat. That's not good for business.”
“That's not good for anyone.”
“Right. So I come in to see where it all went down, and low and behold, it's because of that damn lump. Only now it's not a lump. It's a hill.”
I examined the earth with my hand to my chin, and said, “Hrmmm. Interesting.” A kid climbed to the top of the hill, sat on a large piece of cardboard, and slid down with her hands in the air, going, “Yayyyy!” Seria told her to get lost and turned to me.
“I ain't payin' to get this monstrosity removed.”
“So we're doing it ourselves?”
“Brilliant. I knew choosing you was the right choice. Remind me to thank God later.”
We took hold of our shovels and started digging while someone played No Diggity by Blackstreet from their boombox.
After a few hours of straight digging, we made it deep into the ground and found ourselves at the entrance to a dripping tunnel. We turned on our flashlights. I gulped.
“What do you think is in there?”
Seria shined her light in my face.
“You go first.”
“Me? But it's your club.”
“You're the one that dropped those dumbbells, dummy. You remember that, don't you?”
I frowned.
“Vividly.”
I pushed her light away from my face and moved forward, hunched over. The ground was muddy. My back ached. After 15 minutes, we reached a cave high enough for us to stand up. I cracked my back. Seria's pointed to something up ahead.
“What's that!”
I shined my light on something that looked like a pile of black rocks. My belly started to get rotten.
“This place has a bad frequency,??
? I said. “Let's vamoose out of here.”
Seria rushed forward.
“Skulls,” she said. “These are human skulls!”
They glistened as she ran her light across them. I shook my head.
“We can't be here. This might be an ancient Hawaiian burial site. We can't be here.”
Seria walked to the pile and picked up a skull. I shuddered.
“No – don't touch it!”
She ignored me.
“This is excellent! I can see it all now: Come on down to Sweat Zombies! See famous skulls from olden times while you work out!”
I was speechless – horrified. She went on.
“I'll even say they're haunted – ooooh, scary! People love that stuff. I'll make millions. Millions, I tells ya, MILLIONS. I can finally pay for that height reduction surgery Nikki wants.”
I raised a finger to ask about that last part, when the ground shook. The pile of skulls fell over and scattered. The eye sockets glowed. Lights flew out from them. The cave was filled with demonic laughter. Wind from somewhere blew our hair back.
I yelled out, “Ghosts! You've disturbed them! Shit!”
The lights flew over us in a circle. Something bad was about to happen. I started taking off my shirt, yelling through all the noise.
“Take off your clothes and lie down and they won't hurt you!”
Seria was stiff.
“What? I....”
I shot her a look.
“Just do it, woman!”
We took off everything but our socks and underwear and stayed on the ground. The ghosts screamed and flew out the tunnel. I rolled Seria over. She cried with her hands over her face.
“I'm sorry. I'm so stupid. Jesus, forgive me!”
I helped her up. As we hunched our asses out of there, I explained, “Legend has it ancient ghosts only kill people dressed in weird, modern clothing.”
She was still crying, “I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.”
I wasn't even sure if she heard me. When we made it back to the fitness center, Nikki reached down and helped us up. Seria hugged Nikki and looked at her.
“I'm so sorry!”
I looked around in a panic.
“Did you see the ghosts? Is everyone all right? Where are the ghosts?”
Nikki frowned.
“There ain't no such thing as ghosts. That's crazy talk. You're crazy.”
I said in a low voice, “You mean, you didn't see anything unusual fly out of that hole? No lights? No nothing?”
“The only thing I see coming out from that hole is two half-naked people.” She looked at us weird. “Where are your clothes?”
Before I could answer, Seria said, “Ghosts hate modern clothes. It scares them.”
Nikki put her hand to Seria's forehead.
“Hell, Mom, are you feeling alright?”
Seria waved her away.
“I'm fine. Just a little malnourished, is all. Are you sure everyone here is fine? No one's been hurt?”
Nikki smiled.
“Hurt? Look at all these people. They're more alive than they've ever been their whole lives! It's a miracle! Speaking of which, I gotta get back to my treadmill. Tata!”
She ran off, did a front flip, and landed on her treadmill. She pressed a few buttons and ran faster and faster. Smoke came out from the belt followed by a burst of fire. Herb, the security guard, waddled over and put it out with a fire extinguisher. Nikki yelled out, “Hot damn! I love exercising! I love the feeling of my blood rushing through my tubes!”
I looked at everyone working out. They were mad with devotion.
It was intimidating.
I turned to Seria.
“What are we gonna do about them skulls?”
Seria walked away and came back with gasoline. She climbed down the hole. I made to follow. She held her hand up.
“Stop. This is something I have to do on my own.”
A little later, black, foul-smelling smoke rose from the hole. No one cared. They kept exercising. Seria climbed out and gave me my clothes. She looked happy.
“Help me cover up this hole,” she said, throwing me a shovel. “No one must ever know my terrible secret.”
It took all day to fill up the hole. We put cement and new tiles over it. That didn't keep the stink from rising through the floor. Seria and I put on gas masks. I had that thing on my face for four damn days while doing my workouts. The others didn't mind the odor at all – not even Nikki. No masks; no nuttin'.
“Smells fresh as a daisy!” Nikki said.
“Smells delightful! Like a newborn baby!” said someone else.
I told Seria that maybe she should shut the place down for a bit until things got more sanitary. She just laughed and laughed with her breath fogging up her mask.
“You crazy? Look out that window. Look at all those potential customers out there. Nikki be doing a fine job. A fine job, indeed! I ain't shutting this place down – not for a single day. I almost have enough money saved up to buy her that mansion she's always wanted.” She put her hands to her mouth like a microphone. “Keep running, honeychild! Keep running until your feet burn off and my pockets are filled! Yeehaw!”
I was disgusted for obvious reasons.
When I got home, I found a letter in the mailbox. It was from Elaine. It was a wedding invitation. She was tying the knot with Mr. Wonderful. I got sick all over. It was a frightening feeling. I couldn't control it. I felt fucking doomed. I crumpled the invite and stuffed it in my mouth and chewed and cried and moaned and spat it out and stepped on it and jumped on it. I was a monster. Some girls walked by and laughed at me. I wiped away my tears and took in deep breaths.
Only one thing could make me feel better.
Exercise.
I ran to my front door. A letter was taped it, from my landlord. PAY YOUR RENT! it read. I snatched it off and crumpled it and put it in my mouth, chewed it, and spat it out. Inside, I took a shower and washed all my precious areas. I brushed my teeth at the sink. I stopped to stare at my reflection. Looking at myself made me sick. I wasn't good enough – not handsome enough – not rich enough – not Mr. Wonderful enough. She was getting married. Someone not me was going to have free sex with her. I threw my toothbrush into the sink. She was killing me, and she'd never know, 'cause I'd never tell.
Something in the shower fell. I spun around and held my breath, expecting to see some zombified version of Elaine all stitched together.
There was nothing there. And I'd be lying if I said some part of me didn't want to see her standing there.
I went to bed and did two thousand situps, then I did some more until I fell back unconscious.
I only remember having one dream that night.
I'm in the middle of the ocean...treading water under the sun...something's coming for me...swimming towards me...I'm ready for it. I want it.
The next day, I went to a flower shop and bought a bunch of roses. The old lady at the counter asked if they were for my girlfriend. I thought for a moment, smiling.
“Yes, they are,” I said.
At Sweat Zombies, the air inside was nice enough for me to take off my gas mask. I couldn't believe it. The other members were still exercising. How long had they been at it? When was the last time they went home? Did they even leave since the hole incident? The stink of body odor hung in the air. Everyone – must've been around fifty people that morning – was pale and ill-looking. A man with dark circles around his eyes, lifting weights, threw up pizza all over his feet, then went back to working out. He gave me a worried smile.
“I'm fine as rain. Honest!”
I jumped back and covered my nose. His breath smelled like a dead kitten stuffed with used socks. I squinted and leaned towards him, staring. He had things crawling out of his mouth. He noticed and giggled.
“Aww, shucks. Don't mind these ants in my mouth. They're cleaning my teeth. Honest!”
Nikki was on the treadmill, doing her job. I gave her the roses. She threw them to the grou
nd.
“Get these things away from me, idiot! People outside have to think I'm single – that they have a chance with me if they sign up.”
She was right. I picked up the flowers.
“It'll never happen again. Gosh, Nikki, you're so smart.”
She snorted and spat blood onto the floor. I examined her.
“Are you feeling alright? You guys look sickly. Take a break.”
She waved me away and went, “Blahhh! The only thing that matters is exercise. Now go play some racquetball and leave me be. You have become irksome. Be gone!”
I put the roses next to a wall.
“I'll just put these here until you've got time to smell them. They're very expensive.”
She had her headphones on.
Pippy was on the racquetball court, running and jumping around, hitting the ball with rage – screaming with each swing. Intimidated, I walked in and closed the door behind me. She kept playing.
“I hope you're ready for me,” she said. “I'm been playing nonstop since yesterday.”
I was shocked.
“Nonstop? Damn. That's why you look like death.”
“But I feel so alive! So great! I'm a winner! Come on, boy, jump in. Let's play!”
She hit the ball at me. I screamed and hit it with blind luck. It bounced off the wall, and the game was on. The match lasted for an unusual thirty minutes. I lost and collapsed onto the floor. I had trouble breathing. Pippy kept playing.
“Loser!” she laughed. “I'm the best! I knew all this training would pay off! I'm the best! I'm the bessssssssssssssssssssssssss....”
She stopped jumping around and got quiet. I stood up.
“Pippy? Something wrong?”
She stared at the floor.
“My heart. It feels weird.”
“Jesus! Does your shoulder hurt? You may be having a heart attack. Sit down.”
She cried out in pain and gripped her chest. She fell into my arms. Yellow jelly shot out of her mouth. Her eyes turned white. She took my arms and pulled me close and snarled and came damn close to biting off my face. I pushed her away and ran for the door. She jumped on my back. I hit the ground and started crawling away. She ran shrieking toward me. The sound reminded me of an elephant falling off a building. She jumped in the air with her claws out. I snatched up my racquet and shoved it in her mouth right when she landed on me. I kicked her off. Pippy ran around the court, spinning around, trying to yank out the racquet. I bolted out of there screaming for help.