Her response surprised me. Sorrowful excuses for lives?
“Ever look at them and feel inferior, feel small?” I added, really wanting to hear her answer.
Lexi fidgeted beside me, lifting her hands to create a frame with her fingers, her left eye closed as she studied Orion’s Belt like she was looking through a telescope. But her hands abruptly lowered and laid flat to her stomach, a guttering expression on her face. “I don’t need to look up at the stars to feel inferior, Austin. All I have to do is open my eyes and look at myself in the mirror.”
My attention snapped to her and a strange feeling rolled my stomach—sympathy?
Lexi yawned beside me and her eyelids began to droop, but she fought to stay awake, never taking her eyes off the stars. I couldn’t stop watching her. Something about her intrigued me. Or maybe it was the fact that she knew about me, about who I was, that drew me to her. I didn’t have to pretend just for right here, right now.
“Go to sleep,” I said after her third consecutive yawn, and she focused on me once more. She was making me fuckin’ tired, and I needed to stay alert.
Lexi simply shook her head and wrapped her arms around her chest, fighting off another yawn.
Damn stubborn chick.
“Lexi, go to fuckin’ sleep. We’re gonna be here all night anyway,” I ordered, and I watched her tired eyes widen.
“Are you gonna sleep?” she asked, and I frowned. Why the fuck did that matter?
“Probably, at some point,” I replied and shrugged my shoulders.
“Okay, then. But…” Her lips pursed in tension. “But please don’t touch me. I… can’t be touched… I’ll stay here hidden, just… don’t touch me.”
“I won’t,” I said vehemently through gritted teeth. Did she think I was gonna grope her in her sleep or some shit? What the hell did she think of me?
Lexi’s eyes closed and, within seconds, she was out, all curled up in the fetal position on the hardwood floor. She looked like a fallen, broken pixie.
I don’t know why I said it, but I leaned down and whispered, “This isn’t who I am, Lexi. I’m not the cold, unfeeling dick you think I am. I just wanted you to know that about me.”
Sighing deep, I pulled out my cell and sent a text to Axel:
Me: Frat house drug raid tonight. ‘H’ product found. Dean knows it’s the Heighters. He’s looking for me to question. I’m hiding out. This shit needs sorting ASAP! Can’t jeopardize football.
Axel replied immediately:
Axel: On it. Did that bitch say something to the dean? Do I need to shut her the hell up? We gotta tie up ALL loose ends.
What felt like panic worked its way up my throat as I read Axel’s text and looked down at Lexi. She was innocent in this mess, but I knew Axel wouldn’t let this go. Looking at her sleep, so tiny, I had the urge to protect her. She reminded me of Mamma—dragged into a shit situation through no fault of her own.
I ran my thumb over the glass of the screen and quickly typed:
Me: She said nothing. I made sure of it. This shit’s on you not being discreet. Sort it. Quick.
I turned off my cell. I couldn’t be fucked to deal with Axel right now. I was seething. Dropping my head to the cold wooden floor, I looked across at Lexi’s pixie face—all dark and gothic, but underneath all the war paint, she seemed terrified. Of what, I had no clue, but she was fighting some inner demon. I recognized the symptoms.
Closing my eyes, I tried to relax.
Within minutes, I was out.
I woke to the sun streaming through the skylight, Lexi still beside me. During the night, she’d turned over, her fingers touching the tips of mine. It was the first time I’d actually spent a full night with a chick. Don’t get me wrong. I’d fucked a few groupies along the way, but nothing serious, nothing to make them think they could sleep beside me in bed afterward.
It felt strange.
Pulling back my hand from hers, Lexi began to stir. Her eyes opened slowly and fixed on me, the confused expression on her face showing she was trying to make out how she got here, next to me.
Without speaking, I moved off the floor to check the coast was clear outside. Scouring the grounds through the curtains, all was quiet. Looking at the clock above the open fireplace, it read ten a.m. Campus PD’d be gone for at least an hour. They changed shifts at nine thirty, and patrolling didn’t recommence until way after eleven. Freshman year I learned pretty damn quick to study their schedules—old habits die hard.
I felt Lexi before I saw her, and when I turned around, I knew she’d be right behind me. Our eyes met, and I nearly laughed. All her black makeup was smudged down her face, but her eyes were once again bright with curiosity.
“We free to leave yet?” she asked nervously.
“We’re good,” I replied, but neither of us moved from our place by the window, like we didn’t wanna go back to whatever was waiting for us outside that door. Our fucked-up realities on the other side of that thin piece of wood.
But we had to face it, didn’t we? We couldn’t stay in the quiet solace of the summerhouse forever. Life moved on, and our issues were here to stay.
“Lexi?” She lifted her head, indicating for me to continue speaking. “You need to stay away from me.”
Lexi’s face paled and she paused in her breathing. “Okay. If that’s what you want.” She went to turn away, and I held her shoulder before ripping my hand back to my side. She hadn’t wanted me to touch her. I’d forgotten about this fact.
“My brother’s asking questions about you. It isn’t safe if we talk, if we’re even around each other. If you see me around campus, walk by without a word, and I’ll do the same. The Heighters are suspecting you’ve talked about them to the dean—”
“I haven’t! I swear! I didn’t say a thing—” She interrupted, freaking right out, and I stopped her protest with a hand lifted in the air.
“I know. I told them that. But you need to be careful. My brother ain’t the one who’ll come after you to keep you quiet, and you don’t wanna meet the sadistic motherfucker who will.” I watched her swallow hard and knew my warning had hit home. “Stay low key, keep the hell outta the quad at night, and if you’re asked any more questions by the dean about the coke, keep your mouth shut. No one knows you know anything but me and Axel. I’ll make sure it stays that way.”
Lexi nodded apprehensively and, moving to the coffee table, picked up her purse. I watched her go, her tight top and short black tutu skirt showcasing her slender limbs.
Christ! I couldn’t like this chick. She was too much of a liability.
Just as Lexi reached the door, a question came to mind. For some reason I just needed to know the answer to it.
“Hey, Lexi?”
She turned to face me. “Yeah?”
“Why the war paint?” I gestured to her made-up face.
Adopting a stony expression, she simply replied, “Why the tattoos?” She pointed back at my inked arms and neck.
We both said nothing and stared at one another for what could have been an eternity. I could see in her eyes that the dark makeup was her shield. Just like my tattoos were mine, but neither of us were gonna admit to it.
Lexi sighed and laid her hand on her chest over her heart. “We all have secrets, Austin. Some people’s are bigger than others, that’s all. Wouldn’t you agree?”
My lack of response said it all.
Yeah. Yeah, I fuckin’ would.
Chapter Ten
Lexi
One month later…
Dear Daisy,
Weight: 96lbs
Calories: 1500
I saw myself on TV today, cheering for the Tide.
I couldn’t believe it was me.
When I look in the mirror, I see the flaws in the girl looking back. But seeing myself on screen had me almost recoiling in disgust. I looked so big, Daisy, too big. And I can’t get the image out of my mind.
I need to be more toned.
I need to just cut back
on food… just for a while… just so I look good on the field. I’ve lost a couple of pounds, but it’s still not enough.
I counted my ribs today. I could only count six. It’s all I can focus on. I can’t purge it from my mind.
Six. Six. Six.
And worse, Ally hugged me today, and I swear she thought I felt fat. It’s like I can’t bear people touching me anymore. The hugs will have to stop or I’m going to lose my mind. No one can touch me until I’ve lost more weight.
I’m still successfully playing my role of the fun-loving friend. None of my friends are suspicious. My secret’s still safe.
Just a few pounds, Daisy, and then everything will be all right.
“And do you think of Daisy much?”
I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block out the pain of my best friend’s death.
“Lexi. Answer the question,” Dr. Lund pushed.
Nodding my head, I replied, “Yes. I think of her all the time.”
“And what do you think of?” I could hear Dr. Lund scribbling on his clipboard, making notes on what I had to say.
“I think of how she would always smile despite the fact that she was dying inside. I think of how whenever I was down, she was there for me to talk to… to pick me back up.” Tears welled in my eyes and I said, “And I think about her final minutes as she held my hand and quietly slipped away, but not before begging me to not succumb to the disorder too. To not… die too.”
“Do you ever envy how thin she got?”
Every part of me tensed, and I kept my gaze on the floor. “Yes…” I whispered. “I envy that she reached perfection. She hit her ideal weight.”
Dr. Lund put his clipboard on the desk beside him and leaned forward, his hands in a steeple clasp. “Lexi. Do you understand that her severe weight loss was what killed her? That her heart failed under the strain?”
“Yes, I understand that. But you asked me if I envied how thin she got. And I do. I envy her final weight.”
“Have you been having any unhealthy thoughts about your weight of late? Anything we should discuss?”
I shook my head and began picking at my nails. “No. I’ve been good.”
Now, Lexington, you are lying. And to your doctor, no less. You know you are allowing me in more. You are giving me control. What is it you have lost in the last few weeks? A couple of pounds? I am here with you as you stand on the scale, rejoicing at your achievement. All you have to do is give me the reins… Give me the control… You can be like her…
My fingers began to ache, and when I looked down, they were gripping the arms of my chair. My knuckles were white with tension.
Lexington, give me control… Lexington, let me in… Lexington, just a few pounds more…
“Lexi?” a deep voice sounded beside me, pulling me back to reality.
I followed the sound of the voice and my stomach immediately dropped. “Dr. Lund,” I said, remembering where I was: counseling.
“You’ve lost some weight,” Dr. Lund said directly. “You are losing concentration more, and I’m beginning to worry.”
“I don’t think—”
“It’s very noticeable, Lexi. You’re slight to begin with. A few pounds of weight loss is extremely noticeable on your petite frame.”
My head instinctively ducked, and I couldn’t meet his eyes. “It’s just because I’ve been so busy, I swear.”
Yes, Lexington, keep him from the truth. Keep him from knowing you have started to cut back on calories because you think you are too fat in your cheerleading uniform. That thinking of Daisy at her goal weight is driving you there too. And you are right. You are looking fat. It is merely a couple of pounds that you have lost. A couple of pounds are nothing. Maybe you should lose a few more, just to be sure… to be absolutely sure…
“Lexi, our time is up, but I expect you at group this week, yes?” I nodded my head. “I think we need to discuss the cheerleading. You know it is your primary trigger. Maybe it is too much, right now. I was never fully convinced you were ready to take that step again the first place.”
I nodded without replying and moved from my seat and practically ran outside the room, pausing to hit my back against the wall.
I knew cheerleading was my trigger, and I was getting more concerned that I looked fat on the field.
The voice is right, isn’t it? And Dr. Lund doesn’t know everything, does he? I’ll be fine losing just a few more pounds, just to be sure I don’t look too big on camera. After all, the camera adds ten pounds, so I’ll just be making up for that, balancing out. I can stop after ten pounds. It’ll be easy. I’m stronger this time. I’ll be able to stop just fine. It won’t spiral out of control. It’ll make me feel that much healthier with some weight gone. That much more confident.
It’ll be easy.
Yes, Lexington, yes. Let me guide you to perfection. I can make it so easy for you…
My heart rate increased as my excitement grew, and I started to make a plan. I’d exercise more, yes. That should do it. I could jog more, hit the gym more. And maybe I should cut out a few more carbs… right? Right? I asked the voice in my head.
That will be a start, Lexington, the voice answered back in approval, and I let myself relax. Just for a moment, I let go.
Yes, Lexington, I shall willingly take the reins.
It felt good not to fight the voice. I was growing tired of all the fighting, the striving to be strong… to be normal… to be cured. The longer I was without Daisy, the easier the voice found it to worm its way into my brain.
Checking the coast was clear, I made my way to the private family room two hallways down. I needed some alone time, to pull myself together before going back to the sorority house, before again having to act like nothing was wrong to my friends. But just as I was about to enter, a guy burst from the door and began sprinting down the hallway. His heavy black boots echoed on the tiles of the sterile floor, causing me to look his way.
My pulse began racing as I realized who it was. All black clothes, tattoos, piercings, black ear gauges, and dark hair, almost black.
Austin Carillo.
Just as Austin ran out of sight, I started as my daddy came out of the family room, dressed in his long white coat, his eyes searching the long, sparsely populated corridor for which direction Austin went.
Daddy hadn’t seen me standing there, staring at the unfolding scene, too concerned with Austin running away in the distance. Shaking his head, seemingly in sorrow, he turned to shut the family room door and finally looked my way.
Daddy’s eyebrows arched in surprise. “Lexi?” he said, seeming taken aback. I’d barely seen my parents in the last couple months. Daddy was always busy with his patients, my momma was busy with her dressmaking business, and I’d been busy with school.
“Hey, Daddy!” I said happily as I moved toward him. “I didn’t know you’d be here tonight.”
My daddy leaned his head down to press a kiss on my cheek.
“I didn’t realize you’d be here tonight, sweetheart,” he said and looked nervously down the hallway once more.
“I was with Dr. Lund. We had to reschedule, as I have an away game coming up.”
My daddy’s eyes dropped low at my answer, and he sighed heavily. “And how did it go?”
Pulling my long sleeves forward along my palms, I shrugged. “Okay, I suppose.”
My daddy stepped closer to me and quieted his voice. “Are you sure you’re okay? You look like you’ve lost some weight.”
Anger boiled in my veins. “I’m fine! It’s y’all who think I’m not coping! I’m doing fine! Why can’t everyone leave me alone!” I snapped.
Then I heard the voice in my head.
But you are not handling it well, are you, Lexington? You are slowly coming back to me. You want to be here too. And I want you back. I miss you…
“Lexi?” my daddy whispered sadly, and I whipped my head up, interrupting him before he could say more. I couldn’t hear any more!
“
Was that Austin Carillo you were talking to in there?” I blurted out, attempting to change the subject, pointing to the family room.
Deflection, an anorexic’s greatest tool.
My daddy rocked on his feet and his face reddened. That meant it was.
“Doctor-patient confidentiality, Lexi. You know I can’t tell you why.”
I nodded my head and looked wistfully down the hallway once more.
My daddy cleared his throat. “Do you know Austin Carillo, Lexi? You’ve never mentioned him before,” he asked cautiously. I wanted to roll my eyes. It was because he was a Heighter. But I wasn’t sure Austin was as bad as he seemed. At least, he wasn’t that night in the summerhouse. A part of me kinda thought I saw the real him that night.
“I only know him from cheerleading,” I replied. “He plays for the Tide. He’s a wide receiver. But I don’t know him well, no.”
Daddy exhaled a pent-up breath in—I surmised—relief and rubbed his forehead with his hand. He was stressed. I reached out and tugged on the sleeve of his white coat, flashing him a proud smile. He was such an exceptional doctor because he cared deeply for his patients. He was, simply put, an exceptional human being. Maxwell Hart MD was the chief oncologist for the district of Tuscaloosa because of his compassion and kindness for people—from any walk of life. He volunteered for free clinics just so people without insurance didn’t have to suffer in pain. Goes from hospital to hospital helping out where he can.
My stomach churned in sudden fear. My daddy’s an oncologist. That meant… Oh no! That meant someone in Carillo’s family must have cancer.
“Who is it?” I whispered, deep empathy clogging my throat. I fixed my eyes on my daddy’s.
“Who is what?” he asked in confusion.