“Kelly,” Caleb grunted, adjusting his knees to give himself more leverage as his hips began to thrust harder.
Kelly forced out a wordless sound of response, squeezing him between her legs and fisting her hands in the pillow to keep herself from squeezing him with her arms too. Another orgasm was swelling up, and it felt like it was going to be powerful.
“Kelly,” Caleb rasped again, ducking his head down, his eyes never leaving her face.
Her hips were bucking up in clumsy jerks, bumping against his pelvis as she loosened and tightened her legs—her body so eager for her approaching orgasm that she was almost clumsy.
“Kelly,” Caleb muttered again. This time he seemed to be trying to get her attention. “You want this?”
She would have thought he was crazy—since she clearly wanted this so much she was about to scream—but she knew what he was asking.
If she wanted him. All of him. All the way.
“Yes.” The sensations bombarded her but refused to release themselves. “I want you. I want you.”
Caleb made a guttural sound. “I want you too. All of you. All of you.”
She turned her head to the side when a sliver of fear overwhelmed her. She squeezed her eyes shut. Squeezed her legs around Caleb’s middle, her heels digging brutally into the small of his back. Felt her entire body tightening in torturous anticipation.
It was still so wrong to want him this way.
“Kelly,” Caleb choked, his body just as tight as hers was. “Kelly, look at me.”
She didn’t want to, but couldn’t help herself. Her eyes flew open at his thick words, and she turned her head to stare up at his handsome, twisted face, at the inexpressible look in his eyes.
She whimpered, in desperate pleasure—and in something else.
“Kelly,” Caleb grunted again. His hand was still curved around the back of her head, and sweat was dripping down the sides of his face. His eyes were mesmerizing, demanding, and almost helpless, and Kelly just couldn’t look away from them, the intensity distracting her momentarily from the momentum of her orgasm. “Kelly,” he choked. “Say my name.”
It was more a plea than a demand, and something clenched hard in Kelly’s chest at the knowledge.
She couldn’t have resisted, even if she’d wanted to. Holding his gaze with her own, she gasped. “Caleb!”
At the sound of his name on her lips, her whole body began to shake, all of the friction of his pumping cock inside her and his rocking body above her finally pushing her to the limit.
“Again,” Caleb demanded thickly. He looked like he could swallow her, devour her, drown in her.
“Caleb,” she cried, her voice almost strangled by her impending release. She could feel the pressure finally coalesce into one overwhelmingly powerful peak. Forcing her eyes to remain open so she was still meeting his gaze, she sobbed out “Caleb!”
Her muscles began to clench ruthlessly around the pumping of his cock. Her body spasmed helplessly beneath him as she tried to ride out the waves of radiating pleasure.
Caleb was still trying to push inside her, but mostly he was trapped, by her contracting muscles or by the power of his own climax. His face contorted as he reached the limit of his control, but his eyes never left hers, not even when he grunted out a final, rough “Kelly, blossom,” as he came.
She started crying for real.
His weight rested on her afterward for a minute, his face buried in her hair, just above her shoulder.
Kelly accepted his hot weight. She tried to unwind her legs and wiggle some circulation back into her toes. She tried to stop crying.
But she couldn’t. Not really. She kept hearing Caleb murmuring to her, against her neck, “Oh, fuck, Kelly, blossom. I want everything from you too. You don’t have to hold anything back from me anymore.”
He was expecting her to calm down and be happy, but there was no way that was possible.
Her plan had worked. Caleb was vulnerable. Completely at her mercy.
He was hated. And not hated.
And her father was still dead.
She might have surrendered far too many parts of herself to Caleb, but her surrender would never lead to light.
“Kelly?” he prompted, after a couple of minutes, when she was still shaking in his arms.
There was no explanation she could give him. Nothing that would even come close to answering his unspoken question.
No lie she could tell him.
She had to get away. Right now. Before she broke down even more—shattered everything—even more than she already had. Before she blurted out the final truth.
She couldn’t stay here and be held by Caleb. Couldn’t stay here with him at all. She couldn’t stay and be who she’d been in his arms.
But she couldn’t get away without an explanation. “It was—so good,” she gasped, praying that he’d find it convincing. “Sorry about all the crying. It was—overwhelming. After all the angst and having to admit that and everything—the release—just did me in.”
He didn’t speak for a long time, and she had no idea if he believed her.
Finally, he said dryly, “If you keep crying every time I have sex with you, I’ll eventually start to wonder about my performance.”
The humor was so unexpected that Kelly choked on a real burst of amusement. But then she just choked. And panicked. It hit her so hard and so quickly that she felt the room spinning around her.
“I need to leave,” she said, pulling away from him, sitting up, gasping for air.
Caleb’s face twisted as he dropped his arms to his sides. “What?”
Trying to cling to the remaining control she had, Kelly got up and moved over toward her overnight bag that was tucked in the corner of the room. She started throwing some clothes in it, then realized she was naked.
She limped over to where her bra and shirt were tossed on the floor.
“I’m— It’s too much. I need some space.”
For once, the words weren’t even lies.
“So, you’re leaving? After what just happened?” Caleb demanded. He was angry again, which should have been a good sign. But underneath the anger was an undeniable current of hurt. “After what we just said? You’re leaving me?”
Kelly redressed herself and tried to find the rest of her stuff to throw into her overnight bag. “I’m sorry, but it’s just too much. Maybe we can sort it out later.”
She kept her head hidden from him because, if she looked him in the eye, she would lose it completely.
Caleb didn’t answer. He didn’t try to stop her. She shot him a quick glance and saw he’d clearly pulled in on himself, all of his protective instincts on guard again. He’d made himself as vulnerable as he ever had, and she’d just slammed the door in his face.
Now he just watched every move she made with a cool, penetrating gaze.
Kelly wasn’t sure that she had everything in the bag, but she didn’t really care at the moment. Her purpose for being here at all was nowhere now, and the only thing that mattered was getting away. If she wanted to keep her sanity.
She’d just professed feelings for the man who may or may not have murdered her father. She’d just surrendered all of herself to him—so much more than just her body. There was no way to make sense of a world where that could happen.
So she just needed to get away. “I’m really sorry, Caleb,” she said as she heaved the bag up and started to leave the room. “I mean it. But I just can’t—”
He still didn’t answer. He felt as cold and hard as he’d been when they first met. Caleb followed her out of the room. Out of the house. Down to where her car was parked.
He grabbed her shoulder just before she got into the car Pete had pulled up to drive her home. “Kelly,” he said in a rough murmur. “You’re making a mistake.”
She shrugged weakly, and her voice cracked as she answered, “It’s not the first time.”
—
She had no idea where to go. Or what to do. O
r if she even had any options.
All she knew was that she had to get away.
She fell into a daze as she drove into the city—all her chaotic feelings, all her anger, all her angst freezing into a tight, fragile control.
Eventually, she ended up at an apartment building. At an apartment.
One she hadn’t consciously intended to drive to.
She knocked on the door.
It swung open.
Reese stood before her, gasping in surprise when she saw who was at her door.
“Kelly?” Reese breathed, her eyes huge and bewildered.
Kelly gulped and forced out a tight smile. “Hey there. Do you happen to have an extra bed for the night?”
Reese’s face changed, softened visibly. She reached out and put a gentle hand on Kelly’s arm. “Kelly, hon, are you all right?”
Kelly’s face crumpled. Then she shattered. Burst into pitiful tears.
Reese took her in.
Chapter 11
Reese immediately started puttering around, looking uncharacteristically helpless as she led Kelly into her apartment, took her sweater and leather bag, and then showed her into the living room, where she gestured toward her couch.
Kelly sank onto the couch gratefully, her back and thighs exhausted and already a little sore from the sex she’d just had with Caleb. She felt drained and totally leveled. And she was still choking on little sobs.
Reese sat down next to her. “What is it?” she asked, her voice softer than usual, and more urgent. “What’s happened? What’s been going on for the last few weeks?”
Shaking her head mutely, Kelly tried to come up with a reasonable explanation for her presence here and for her distress, but she couldn’t think of anything. “I can’t—it’s too complicated. I just don’t have anywhere else to go tonight. I can’t go home,” she said finally.
Reese studied her intently, scanning her friend from her messy hair to her elegantly shoed feet. After a tense moment, she asked, “Do I need to take you to the emergency room?”
Kelly just blinked at her, had no idea why she was asking that.
“It looks like you’ve—I mean, you’re starting to bruise here.” Reese pointed at the skin just over Kelly’s neckline, where Caleb had bitten hard enough to mark. “And your clothes”—Reese swallowed hard and seemed to force herself to conclude—“Kelly, if you’ve been raped—”
“I haven’t,” Kelly interrupted hurriedly. “I haven’t. I promise.”
After another searching look, Reese seemed to believe her, because her body relaxed a little.
Kelly felt a flood of bitterness well up in her chest, all directed inward. “I did just have sex, yes. That much must be obvious. But it was consensual.” She closed her eyes and wished she didn’t hate herself quite so much. “My choice. My choice.” Her voice faded off a little. “Mine.”
Reese’s brow furrowed, and her face twisted with sympathy. “Can’t you tell me?”
“No. I don’t think I can. I’m sorry. I know it’s horrible for me to show up here and not tell you anything—”
Reese brushed her apology away. “You don’t have to tell me anything tonight if you don’t feel up to it. I’m so glad you came here.” Reese’s eyes softened a little as they focused on Kelly. “I’m so glad to see you. I’ve been so worried. You seemed to just disappear.”
Guilt slammed into Kelly, on top of all her other tumultuous emotions. She felt like she would choke—there was just too much she was feeling and experiencing. It was too intense. Too chaotic. And how was one person supposed to deal with all of it?
She needed a break, a respite, a breath of air to recover herself.
Reese seemed to recognize this much, because she stood up. “It’s late. I’ll let you sleep. We can talk more tomorrow.” Glancing around her small apartment, she added, “We could share the bed if you—”
Kelly shook her head, dreading the idea of being that close to someone—anyone—tonight. “The couch will be great. I don’t need special treatment.”
Reese must have read finality in her voice. She didn’t argue. She just showed Kelly the bathroom and brought in some bedding for the couch. After she’d gotten things arranged, she paused, obviously on her way back to her own bedroom. “If you need anything—”
The simple kindness was almost too much for Kelly. She wanted to flee. Run away from it. It was making her chest ache so much. “I’ll let you know,” she forced out of her painfully dry throat. “I might take a shower, but I’ll try not to make too much noise.”
“Make as much noise as you want. And wake me up for whatever reason.” Reese started to leave, but then she turned back and reached out to pull Kelly into a hug. “I’ve missed you so much.”
Tears burned in Kelly’s eyes, but they weren’t as painful as the excruciating pressure in her chest. She forced herself not to pull away from the hug—not wanting to hurt Reese’s feelings.
But it was so hard. So hard to be hugged this way, when physical touch had left her with so few defenses.
Reese went into her bedroom at last, and Kelly was relieved when the door shut so she could have a little space. She took her overnight bag and went into the bathroom, turning the shower on as hot as she could stand. She took off her wrinkled clothes, and stepped under the spray.
She let the water wash over her, and tried to imagine it cleansing her of everything impure that had ever touched her. She wished she could imagine all of her pain and bitterness and rage spilling down the drain with the water.
Wished her twisted heart—one that only knew how to betray—could melt away in the heat.
She couldn’t even imagine that much.
She cried a little more in the shower, although her sobs weren’t desperate or agonized, and she felt strange when she started to pull herself together. She had no idea what to do next.
What she ended up doing was curling up under the blankets and shaking helplessly in the fetal position for several minutes.
But she was more exhausted than she could ever remember being, and sometimes even trauma can’t keep you awake.
She eventually fell into sleep and to her surprise actually slept straight through nearly the whole night. She woke up only once at about four in the morning, and for a moment she panicked, not able to remember where she was.
But then, as her eyes adjusted to the dark, she started to recognize Reese’s apartment. She remembered everything that had happened, and knew Reese was sleeping in the bedroom. In her groggy state, Kelly experienced a strange sense of security.
As if, for this one night, she was safe. Protected. No one could touch her.
So, she drifted back into sleep and didn’t wake up until Reese gently shook her shoulder. “Kelly,” Reese was saying softly as Kelly finally managed to open her eyes. “Kelly.”
“Huh?” Kelly grunted, stretching out on the sofa and trying to orient herself.
“I have to go to work,” Reese explained. “I made coffee. Just make yourself at home.”
“Okay,” Kelly agreed automatically, her body aching—from fatigue, from stress—as she tried to prop herself up into a sitting position. “Thanks.”
Reese gave her a sharp look. “You’ll be here when I get back?”
Kelly had no idea if she would be here or not. “Yeah. I think so.”
Pressing her lips together, Reese insisted, “Promise me.”
Caleb had once said the exact same thing, in the exact same tone. It felt like ages—endless, aching years—ago.
“I don’t think I can promise you, Reese, but I think I will be here.” She let out a long breath. “I really don’t have anywhere else to go.”
After Reese left, Kelly spent the whole morning in her pajamas, making herself some breakfast and watching some TV. Doing her best not to think about Caleb.
She had hurt him. Really bad. She knew it, even though he had hardened into ice as she was leaving him. She’d wounded a part of him that had only just started opening
up.
He would be wounded so much more, so much deeper, if he ever found out the truth—why she’d ever been with him in the first place.
He might deserve it. He probably did. But she just didn’t know anymore.
Maybe it was better this way. Just end it now. Never talk to him again. Never pursue the lingering questions. Never let her heart get twisted more painfully than it already was.
She would never have justice. She would never have answers. She still would have broken herself. But nothing else would have changed. No one else would be hurt.
Maybe it was the right thing to do, or maybe it was the worst thing. She was no longer capable of judging rights and wrongs.
Every option left to her felt wrong.
—
“Come on, Kelly,” Reese said impatiently. “I’ve been kind and considerate all day, but I want to know what the hell is going on. Why the fuck won’t you tell me anything? I’m going crazy.”
Kelly gave her friend a faint smile. “I know. But it’s just not something I can talk about.”
Reese scowled at her. “That’s stupid. You could talk about it if you wanted to. I’ve been wondering for weeks what was happening to you. You barely replied to any of my texts and calls, and now you show up and won’t tell me anything.”
“I know,” Kelly acknowledged. “It’s not fair. I’m a selfish ass. I admit it.”
“So tell me,” Reese demanded.
They were sitting on the couch, watching a crime drama on TV, and Reese had burst out with her question in the middle of a commercial. Kelly could hardly blame her.
She sighed. “You know I had some bad stuff happen when I was a kid.”
“Yeah, sure. Your dad died and your mom left. I know how hard it was.”
“Well, there were some things left unresolved, and a few weeks ago my mom reappeared out of the blue, wanting me to resolve them.”
Reese clearly had no idea what she was talking about, but she listened quietly.
Kelly continued, “So I had to do some things that are pretty awful in order to take care of it. And there was a man involved, and it all got twisted.” When she saw her friend’s face, she added, “I know none of it makes sense, but this is as much as I can tell you. Please don’t ask for more details.”