~*~
I could barely pull Amanda’s coat around my back to try to squeeze my other arm into it, which completely embarrassed me. I peeled off the tiny garment and handed it back to Amanda, feeling like the Incredible Hulk. “It’s too small,” I muttered, looking down.
She frowned, taking the fur-lined coat and hanging it back in her closet. “I guess you’ll have to wear your jacket because I don’t think my parka would fit you either.”
“It’ll be fine,” I said.
“It’s twelve degrees out there. You need a long coat, not that flimsy jacket you brought. We’ll have to run to Tyler’s house, I guess.”
“Maybe we shouldn’t go. I mean, you have to study for your tests…”
“Kristen would kill me if I didn’t show up,” Amanda said. “She’s been trying to hook up with Adam all year, and she needs me as wingman. Besides, what kind of host would I be if I didn’t show you the social scene?”
I shrugged. “It’s no big deal if we don’t go.”
“Move it, sister! You’re going to have fun on this visit if it kills you.”
We jogged across campus, my chest burning from inhaling frozen air. I could hear the bass beat around the corner, and I couldn’t believe how loud the music was once we made it inside the aging two-story home. The warmth of about forty people gathered in the dining room and kitchen was quite welcome, though.
“Ladies!” Tyler boomed, working the keg in one corner of the kitchen. He gestured for us, and we reluctantly trudged over to him. “Just tapped this baby, oo la la.” He handed us plastic cups with layers of foam covering the pee-yellow beer. “Drink up! Taper’s coming soon.”
I forced a smile.
Amanda leaned close. “I wonder how many calories this has?”
“I don’t know,” I answered. I was more worried about the disgusting bitter taste and the fact I’d signed a contract not to drink alcohol as a high school student-athlete.
Tyler’s gaze riveted to the front door, and I followed his eyes to see Sarah and Kristen walk in, sliding out of their coats.
Amanda excitedly waved at her roommate. Noticing me looking back and forth between Tyler and Sarah, trying to figure out what was going on, Amanda led me a step away from the keg. “Tyler has the hots for Sarah, but Sarah’s not interested,” she confided.
I nodded. Poor Tyler. First my sister had dissed him, and now Sarah. I’d thought Sarah seemed sort of snooty.
Kristen bopped over to ask Amanda if she’d seen Adam, the other men’s team captain, yet. As they huddled, whispering heatedly, I watched Sarah move to the other side of the house, away from Tyler. He frowned.
Just then a tall boy with curly black hair came bounding down the stairs, and from Kristen’s buzzing with exhilaration next to me, I surmised that Adam had arrived.
Adam beamed at Tyler. “The house looks great, honey!”
Tyler laughed, sashaying his hips. “Oh captain, my captain. I spiffed it up just for you.”
Adam went right up to him and leaned over the keg, smiling alluringly. Tyler leaned in too. Their mouths were centimeters from each other as they executed a sensual air-kiss.
“Nom-nom-nom,” Adam purred.
Tyler laughed and shoved his chest. “You’re such a fag, Adam.”
“And you’re my lil’ homo queen.” Adam reached around to pinch Tyler’s butt. “Pour me a beer, toots.”
My jaw had gone slack as I watched their interaction. To my horror, Kristen was giggling and Amanda smiled too. “The guys’ team likes to pretend they’re gay,” Amanda explained. “Isn’t it funny?”
I felt the urge to bolt, but I had no idea where I was and no clue how to get back to the dorm.
“Are you okay?” Amanda asked.
I clenched my teeth. “I’m fine.” Looking down at my untouched beer, I shakily drew the cup to my lips and forced a swallow. It was just as bad as I’d expected, but provided a useful distraction from my nausea.
“What’s he doing here?” Adam sneered.
I looked up to see Adam and Tyler glaring at the corner of the living room, where two guys stood in purple parkas. I inhaled sharply upon realizing the taller one was Reese, and I felt the hairs on the back of my neck bristle as I noted the positively murderous stare he aimed at Adam and Tyler.
“Brian brought him,” Tyler said. “They’re roommates and everything, and Brian said Reese’s still on the team so deserves to be here.”
Adam shook his head. “Pieces is a freaking traitor. He’s got some balls showing up here. Coach suspended him for a reason.”
I saw Reese arguing with the other swimmer — probably his roommate, Brian. Then Reese took out his phone. He closed his eyes as he looked at it and paused a moment before taking long strides to the back of the house with the phone jammed to his ear.
“Good. Maybe he’s leaving,” Adam said.
Kristen shimmied up to Adam. “Hey, will you show us your room?”
Adam immediately shifted his attention to the freshman smiling up at him, and he grinned as well. “You want to see my bachelor pad?”
She nodded, entranced. “Uh-huh.”
“This way, chicas.” He extended his arm toward the stairs, and Kristen grabbed Amanda’s hand to drag her along.
Amanda shot me a panicked look, mouthing “Sorry” as her roommate lugged her upstairs.
I sighed. Tyler was busy pouring beers for some of the guys, and I searched the room for Sarah, hoping to ask her about Suzie’s program for backstrokers. Failing to find her, I drifted toward the back of the house. The house was bigger than it looked, and I kept walking, relieved to get some distance from the pulsing stereo in the living room.
Finally I reached the end. At the back of the house I found two doors: one with peeling brown paint that led who knows where and a storm door that opened to the backyard. I’d just decided to return to the party when I heard a distraught male voice. “Coach already called you?”
I spun toward the brown door, noticing it was ajar, and peeked inside. It was a darkened stairwell, descending to the basement, but I could make out Reese’s lanky body perched halfway down on the stairs, his hand clutching his phone.
“Dad, I was going to call you, I promise, but it just happened today…yes, sir…I should’ve called right away…please, don’t make me come home…can I stay here? Please?”
His voice was heartbreaking, and I froze. I knew I should give him privacy, but I couldn’t. My meeting with Suzie had gone swimmingly, and this school was growing on me. I had to find out if there was something wrong with the swimming program before I committed the next four or five years of my life to it. I leaned my back against the wall, right next to the crack in the doorway.
“I know telling that to the recruit then wanting to stay here doesn’t make any sense, but I like it here. Even if I can’t swim, I like my classes…”
He sighed. “I can’t tell you. Dad, can you trust me? There’s a good reason why I said that. I was trying to do the right thing…”
Reese paused, and his words were careful. “No. Why would this have anything to do with my brother?” There were a few moments of silence. “I didn’t know Josh visited you guys.”
The silence extended for over a minute. I was surprised to hear Reese gasp. “Josh came out to you? Oh, Dad, I’ve been begging him to tell you for months! But he was worried since you’re a colonel and all…”
My lips parted, and I slumped against the wall. Reese’s brother was gay? My stomach began churning, and I set my cup of beer on the floor.
“What a relief. Does Mom know?…Are you mad?…Disappointed?…I knew you’d be okay with it.”
His military father okay with his son being gay? It seemed impossible.
“Yes, sir…I’m not trying to deflect attention away from my situation. But now that you know about Josh, I can tell you why I got suspended, okay?…It started back in October. Remember Tyler Jones? One of the captains? Yeah, well, he’s totally homophobic. Adam William
s too. Tyler started making cracks about guys staring at each other in the shower, and he accused some freshmen of being gay.”
How awful. I felt sick.
He sighed. “Yeah, he accused me most of all. But that wouldn’t have been such a big deal — I don’t care what they think about me — but, Dad, it killed Brian…yeah, my roommate, Brian. I’m not sure, but I think Brian might be gay. He hasn’t come out, but I caught him crying a couple of times, and he started drinking way too much after the teasing began.”
I noticed my hands trembling, and I clasped them together to make the shaking stop. I couldn’t stop listening to Reese.
“I know, Dad. Heck, Josh told me about guys on his team at Yale — there’s a reason he didn’t come out till he’d graduated. But this goes way beyond that. Tyler and Adam are obsessed. They pretend to kiss each other all the time, grab each other’s butts, make gay jokes… It gets me so mad — thinking how much that stuff hurt Josh, and watching it hurt Brian. It’s so immature! When the recruit stayed with us last weekend, he totally saw the whole thing unfolding, and he looked disgusted by it, even though he tried to go along with it and laugh once or twice.” Reese paused. “I’m not sure. He might be gay — I mean, my psych 101 class said maybe ten percent of people are gay, so in a team of thirty guys, at least a few swimmers have to be. But nobody’s coming out on this team, that’s for sure. It’d be suicide. Anyway, when the recruit asked for my honest opinion about whether he should come to Northwestern…I had to tell him the truth. I had no idea it’d get back to Coach, but it did. And I couldn’t lie when Coach confronted me — I had to be honest.”
I felt my nose running, and when I reached up to my face, my fingertips met trails of tears. The trembling continued, and I slid down the wall to huddle in a ball near the baseboard.
For several moments Reese was quiet, and when he resumed speaking, he sounded wounded. “I — I thought you’d be proud of me, Dad. I stood up to bullies, like you taught me.” A childish pout crept into his voice. “No, sir. But…” He sighed. “I thought I was doing the right thing. What else can I do?…But I can’t tell them about Brian, and they don’t deserve to know about Josh now either. They can have their stupid team…” Reese sighed again, sounding defeated. “I do like some of the guys, yes. But it’s too late for me here. Maybe I can transfer?…” He exhaled loudly. “You never make it easy on me, huh? Making me figure things out for myself. Thanks a lot.”
I heard a smile in his voice, but I was so distressed it barely registered. His quick “Love you, Dad” also passed by in a breeze, and Reese must have ended the call and climbed the stairs because suddenly he was standing over me, looking alarmed.
He quickly knelt down, taking my hand. “What’s wrong?”
To my dismay, I realized I hadn’t stopped crying — if anything, the concern in his gaze and his hand cradling mine made me cry harder. Now he was seeing me in all my wretched blotchiness. “It’s nothing,” I whimpered.
“Nothing?” One eyebrow arched skyward. “Why aren’t you at the party?”
I swallowed, finding my throat dry. I’d probably dehydrated myself with my nonstop river of tears.
His lips parted as his head tilted. “Were you here the whole time? Did you, uh, listen?” Anger laced his voice. “Did you eavesdrop on my conversation?”
“I’m sorry,” I cried, the tears now flowing with abandon. “I didn’t mean to. I —” Reading the betrayal in those aquamarine eyes, I felt panicked, needing air. I somehow pushed myself up on wobbly legs and fled through the back door, stumbling down the concrete steps into a small fenced-in backyard. Snow crunched under my shoes.
There was the air I’d sought all right — icy knives pricked my lungs. Disoriented, I frantically searched for a way out. I thought I saw a hinged door in the fence and was heading toward it when Reese came up behind me. “Abby, wait! Let me get Amanda.”
“No,” I weakly protested when he clasped my shoulder and swiveled my body to face him.
“You don’t want Amanda?” He nodded knowingly. “She is kind of witchy.”
“She’s not. She’s just…malnourished.”
His eyebrows knitted together, and a hint of a smile crossed his face. I held my breath when he gently brushed his hand down my cheek, wiping away my tears. His smooth skin elicited goose-bumps.
When he saw me shiver, he frowned. “It’s freezing out here.” He shrugged out of his parka and wrapped me up in it, guiding my arms into the sleeves. I was too staggered by the moment to stop him. The lining was warm and soft, and the parka came down below my knees, even though I was five foot ten. The hem of the sleeves hung below my fingertips. It was nice to wear something too big for once.
“Abby, you can’t tell anyone what you heard back there, okay? What I said about Brian —”
“I won’t,” I promised. “I won’t tell anyone.”
He chewed on his lower lip. “Why…why were you crying?”
His question induced tears once again, and I angrily turned away.
Reese stepped closer. “Did something happen at the party?”
I shook my head, trying to get words out. “It happened long before I got here.”
“What happened?”
Looking up into those dark pools of light, shining in the crisp black night, I hesitated. I’d overheard his private conversation, and he deserved an honest answer from me. But I didn’t know if I could tell him.
I glanced down to his hands, noticing their tremble, and reached for them. “You’re so cold. I should give you back your coat?”
His gaze was unwavering. “What happened, Abby?”
I blinked several times. His eyes were so caring, but I didn’t want to admit the truth.
He stepped closer. “What happened?”
I finally caved. “My dad —” My breaths came in hyperventilated gasps. “He left my mom.”
He nodded, trying to understand why that upset me so greatly.
“He left my mom…for another man,” I managed before the tears began again. Through the blur I watched Reese’s mouth drop open, and then I was in his arms. I collapsed into him, sobbing into his navy shirt, and his strong arms held me tight.
“When did that happen?” he asked, his deep voice rumbling in his chest.
I sniffed. “August.”
“That’s a lot to take in,” he murmured. “First your parents split, then you find out your dad’s gay. That’d flatten anyone.”
I kept crying, relieved he could put into words what I couldn’t. All I could do was cling to him, and thankfully he let me.
After some time he pulled back and stared down at me. “You heard about my brother, Josh, right?”
I nodded.
“He came out to me over a year ago. And sometimes it’s still hard to deal with.” He sighed. “But my parents knowing, that seems easier now. I don’t have to hide it from them. Josh doesn’t have to hide from them either. He can be himself now.”
He rubbed my back, his hand swishing across the nylon parka. “I bet your dad feels the same way. He doesn’t have to pretend anymore.”
I instantly stepped back, breaking his hold. “So you’re saying it’s a good thing he left my mom?”
“No, of course not. You must be devastated.” He hid a shiver and slid his hands up and down his arms, stomping his feet.
My flash of anger fizzled, replaced by guilt. I reached for the zipper to take off his parka.
“Keep it on. C’mon, let’s go inside. I want to talk to you.” He grabbed the sleeve of the coat and tugged, leading me back into the house. I trudged along obediently, exhausted by my tears.
We skulked into the back room, which was still empty. Somebody had turned down the music, thankfully.
“Agh,” he breathed, exhaling warm air into his cupped palms then rubbing them together. “Too cold out there.”
“Take your coat back till you warm up,” I demanded, sliding out of one sleeve, but he caught my arm before I broke entirely free.
“You need to warm up too,” he said. His lips pressed together, then one corner of his mouth quirked. “We’ll have to share, I guess. One sacrifice of living in Chicago.”
He slid his long arm into the sleeve I’d vacated, forcing us to share the coat and pressing his body against mine. My heart rate soared, and I was surrounded by his yummy male scent.
He shot me a nervous look. “Is this okay?”
I nodded. As if I’d protest!
“My brother,” he said, getting us back on topic. “When he came out to some of his guy friends, he told them it was normal to wonder if he was attracted to them. And if he wasn’t attracted to them, it was normal for them to wonder ‘Why the hell not?’”
I surprised myself by grinning.
“He told me I could ask him any question. He was really cool about it.” Reese’s free arm had snaked around my waist — by necessity, of course — and I now felt his long fingers gently squeeze my hip. “How’d your dad tell you?”
My tears had dried, and I tried not to start them again. “He didn’t. My mom told me he was leaving.”
“He didn’t talk to you about it?”
“He tried.” I felt my cheeks blush. “I didn’t want to talk to him. I was too mad. I said some bad things.”
“But you’ve talked to him since August, right?”
I took a deep breath, fighting the tightness in my throat. “I won’t answer his calls.”
“Oh, Abby, you’ve been dealing with this all alone.” He drew me to his chest, and I found a little alcove of muscle in the crook of his shoulder, which comforted me greatly. I snuggled into him.
We held each other for a few moments, then drifted apart a few inches. In a small voice, I asked, “Do you ever wonder if you’re, um, if you’re gay too? I mean, I read online it might be genetic.”
“I think sexual orientation is genetic. If you’d seen what my brother went through… He was seriously depressed before he came out. Suicidal even, he told me. That’s no choice.”
I frowned, considering his words. “I’m sorry he had to go through that.”
“Me too.” He looked pensive. “Maybe sometimes I do wonder if I’m gay. I mean, I think I like girls, but I haven’t really had many girlfriends.”
My honest streak was even more powerful in his presence, and I heard myself confess, “I haven’t had many boyfriends, either.” Like zero.
I was stunned when his lips abruptly met mine. They were warm and sweet, and I held completely still for a moment, reveling in the sensation of such closeness, fluttering my eyelids shut. Just as I was about to break my dreamy haze and get with the program by kissing him back, he pulled away.
Perturbed, I looked up at him, then read in his glittery eyes a request for permission to continue. To answer I gave him a huge smile and slowly snaked my free hand up to the back of his neck, guiding his face toward me. I didn’t really know what I was doing, but the firecracker chemical reaction inside me somehow led the charge. I molded my mouth to his as the intensity of our kiss increased.
We were completely smashed together, the tightly stretched parka cocooning us in purple heaven. He reached for my hair, skimming his hand down the side of my head. His lips skated up to the tip of my nose and then left a hot trail toward my ear, resting languorously on my jawline. As I kneaded his mess of blond hair, his mouth planted scorching kisses down one side of my neck. I shivered, but not from cold.
Our lips met again, and I felt my heart skip, riding the peaking wave of his fluid kisses. I was lightheaded and floating. The warmth of our bodies pressed together was overwhelming.
Things had definitely heated up, and we both instinctively broke free, wriggling out of the parka and dropping it to the floor.
He clutched my hand, drawing me close. His eyes poured their adoration into me. “Wow.”
I nodded, unable to think of a better word to describe the cascade of emotions roaring through me.
Together we said, “Definitely not gay.”
He let out a deep, resonant laugh, which I echoed. Beaming at me, he leaned in for another smooch. It felt so good to have his smiling mouth sculpted around mine. I hadn’t done much smiling since August.
My elation began fading, though, as I simultaneously thought of the past and worried for the future. “Will your dad let you stay at Northwestern? ’Cause I think I want to go to school here.”
“You do?”
“That kiss sealed the deal.”
At first he grinned proudly, then a crease formed on his forehead. “You shouldn’t pick a university just because of some boy.”
“You’re not some boy,” I argued. “Listen, I realize we just met, but you’re the only person who knows about my dad, besides my mom and sister. That must mean something, right?”
“And you’re one of the few who know about my brother. But, Abby, I might have to leave Northwestern. I’m trying to pretend I could make it without swimming, but I’m probably fooling myself. I’ve been in the water since I was five — it’s in my blood. I can’t just walk away, even if Coach doesn’t let me back on the team.”
“Then fight to stay on it,” I said.
His face darkened. “I don’t want teammates like Adam and Tyler.”
“I don’t know Adam, but Tyler’s from my high school team in Cincinnati. I know he wouldn’t intentionally be a jerk like that. He’s just sexually frustrated.”
Reese’s eyes danced with amusement. “He’s what?”
“He had a thing for my sister, and she turned him down. Now he’s after Sarah, and apparently she won’t give him the time of day. The way I figure it, Tyler’s channeling all his sexual frustration into phony homoerotic foreplay. Or who knows, maybe he’s gay too.”
“Huh.” Reese folded his arms across his chest. “You figured this out when?”
“Stupid people leaving beer on the floor,” Tyler grumbled, swooping down and picking up my abandoned cup as he swept into the back room. Luckily, I didn’t think he’d overheard us. Noticing us standing in close proximity, he scowled.
I observed Reese take a step back from me and lower his head, like he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t.
“Didn’t I tell you to stay away from this loser?” Tyler asked me.
I opened my mouth to respond but Tyler had already moved toward Reese, approaching him with a hint of menace. Reese probably had about six inches over Tyler, but the captain knew how to use his position of power to his advantage.
“You losing us another star recruit, McGowan?” Tyler asked.
I jutted out my jaw. “No! If anything, he’s convinced me to come here.”
Tyler looked surprised. “Well, that’s a first.”
Watching Reese stare at his shoes, I frowned. “I like Reese. A lot.” To emphasize my point, I leaned up and kissed him on the cheek.
“Whoa!” Tyler chuckled. “I’m not sure he bats for your team, sugar.” Tyler’s eyes roamed over Reese’s lean, lanky physique. “Abby, you might be missing the right equipment —”
“Shut up!” Reese snarled, making both Tyler and me step back.
“You and Adam think you’re so funny, giving air kisses and pinching each other’s butts.” I watched a vein throb on Reese’s neck as he railed. “It’s not funny. It’s really offensive and hurtful.”
“C’mon, we’re just joking.” Tyler waved his hand dismissively. “We mean nothing by it.”
“What if there are guys on the team who are gay? What do you think it’s like for them to see you carry on like that?”
Tyler paused. “We don’t have gay guys on the team.”
“How do you know?” Reese challenged. “Do you think they’d ever admit it? Hell no. Not with you mocking them every chance you get.”
Appearing nonplussed by the direction the conversation had taken, Tyler looked to me for help. “Listen to Reese, Tyler,” I said. “I know you guys weren’t intentionally trying to hurt anyone, but it’s not right what you’ve been do
ing.”
“Nobody’s getting hurt,” Tyler countered.
Reese fixed him with a measured stare. “My brother’s gay. And this stuff hurts me.”
Tyler’s eyes widened. “Your older brother? He — he swam at Yale, right?”
“Yeah. I haven’t wanted him to visit me because I was worried what you guys would do — how you’d make him feel. I was embarrassed to be part of this team.”
Tyler cast his eyes down. “I didn’t know.” He looked up, bravely meeting Reese’s eyes. “I’m sorry, man. I feel like a douche.”
Reese looked at me in shock, and I gave him an I-told-you-so smirk.
“Wait a minute,” Tyler said. “Is this why you told that recruit not to come here?”
“Absolutely.”
Tyler cocked his head to one side, the pieces clicking together. “Was that recruit gay?”
“How should I know?” Reese shook his head, exasperated. “What does it matter, anyway? He asked me how I liked the team, and I was really ticked off at you and Adam that day. I answered honestly.”
“And Coach suspended you for it?” Tyler scratched his chin. “That’s not cool, man. No wonder you don’t like me.”
“There you are!” Amanda walked in, holding my coat. She gave a puzzled look to Tyler and a glare to Reese. “We’re heading home. Are you ready?”
“Um…” I looked at Reese.
“I can walk you home,” he offered.
I nodded eagerly. “That’d be great.” Maybe we could kiss again on the walk. My cheeks flushed at the thought.
“I don’t know,” Amanda said, her glare communicating insults her mouth was too polite to say. “Suzie said I’m responsible for you. Maybe you should come with me.”
“Thanks, Amanda, but I’d rather go with Reese. We’ll be home soon. I won’t keep you up waiting.”
Reluctantly she handed me my coat. As she turned to leave, Adam brushed by her on his way in. His eyes narrowed when he saw Reese.
I watched Reese from the corner of my eye. His shoulders were back, his head up, and his gaze directed right at Adam, challenging him.
Adam clamped his mouth shut, seeming to decide not to go forward with whatever cutting remark he’d had in mind. Instead, he turned to Tyler. “I was missing you, lover.”
Tyler’s mouth tightened. “Adam, dude, we need to talk.” He pushed his co-captain out of the room, leaving Reese and me alone.
I jumped up and down, feeling giddy. “You did it!”
“We did it,” he corrected. He bent down and scooped up his parka, draping it over me. His hands perched on my shoulders, and he gazed down at me fondly.
“Do you think your coach will let you back on the team?”
Reese shrugged. “Not sure. If he does, I need to see if I can be proud of this team first, before coming back.”
“Well, Brian should be proud of you. Your brother too. You fought for them.”
He brushed the back of his hand across my temple. “I get what my dad was trying to tell me now. He always said we should directly confront issues, not talk behind people’s backs. I really screwed up when I said that to the recruit. I should’ve been talking to Tyler and Adam all along.”
“It’s a tough thing to do — talk to people directly,” I rasped. I tried to clear my throat. “Sounds like your dad would be proud of you too.”
Sadness weighed down the corners of his mouth. “Are you thinking about your dad?” he asked me.
“Please.” I shook my head, fighting the burning in my nose. “I don’t want to cry again.”
“Sorry.”
He enveloped me in his long arms, tucking me close to his body. I closed my eyes, feeling my upper lip tremble. I knew my dad wouldn’t be proud of me. Not at all.