I wanted to see him. I wanted to know what he had to say about what had happened. At the same time, I was scared. What if what he said was a lie? What if I believed him? What if I was just gullible and wanted to believe him?
Fuck, I didn’t know, and I was still too weak to understand what I wanted, what I needed, and what was actually good for me.
The nurse and her aid finished getting me sorted, got some fizzy lemon-lime soda for me to drink, and then promised they wouldn’t bring food anywhere near me until I asked for it.
I shifted on the bed, trying to get comfortable. Closing my eyes, I tried to drift off, but all I could think about was the flowers and that damn sweet card.
Groaning, I reached for the card on the little rolling table and read it again. Then again and again until the words were burned into my brain. I traced my fingertips over each letter until I got to his name.
The door opened without a warning, and I lifted my head to find Kin walking in with a cup of coffee in her hands. Seeing me sitting up, she smiled.
“Aw, she lives,” she teased as she walked to the bed and took the seat on my left. She pulled something from her pocket and set it on my table. “Thought you might want that. You should think about hiring me as your personal assistant. I got your next two weeks of shoots sorted, plus took care of all the paperwork the bride’s mother was going on and on about yesterday. That woman has a serious vendetta against those caterers.”
“What paperwork?” I asked as I reached for my phone.
“Just, when you got sick, how sick you were, how much time you’ve been in here, and how long your doctor thinks you will stay. It’s for the lawsuit, I guess.”
“I’m so glad I didn’t want to become a chef when I was a kid,” I muttered as I pulled up the home screen on my phone.
My battery was fully charged, and Kin hadn’t touched my text messages because I still had a ridiculous number of unread ones.
Pulling up my messages, I saw that the majority was from Kale. Surprise, surprise. What really did surprise me, though, was that Sage’s mother had texted me.
Pulling it up, I saw that she was apologizing for how Sage had been acting lately. She asked how I was doing, said that she missed me … and she wondered if I thought her daughter was on drugs.
I seriously had no idea what to say to her. Drugs would explain how she had been acting before I moved out. Then again, Sage was a little bipolar with her moods, so I honestly didn’t know.
I shot her a quick text back, then checked the rest of my messages, skipping over Kale’s fifty plus texts … for now. It didn’t take long to deal with the other texts, and then I tossed my phone back onto the table, giving Kin my full attention.
“So …” She took a sip of her coffee, as if she were buying herself time. “We are supposed to fly out to Phoenix next weekend. I wasn’t sure if you were still up to going or …” She shrugged, her eyes going to the flowers by my window, not seeming surprised to see them.
Our plan was to fly out to Phoenix that Friday, surprise the guys at their show, and then stay with them until their tour officially ended that Sunday. Kin was going to ride back with them on the bus, but I had a shoot Monday afternoon, so I had planned on flying back Sunday night after the last show.
Now I wasn’t sure about anything. I didn’t know what to do, what to think, really.
“I don’t know, Kin. Things are a little crazy right now,” I told her honestly. “I’m not even sure Kale and I are still together.”
“Yeah, I get that.” She pressed her lips together, took another sip of her coffee, then blew out a long sigh. “Look, Kale is out in the waiting room. He’s been here since Monday night. The poor dude hasn’t left once. He wouldn’t leave because he was scared you would get worse, or that you might have wanted him. He hasn’t left once.”
Tears filled my eyes. I turned my head away so she couldn’t see them, but then my blurred eyes landed on the beautiful flowers and those damn words that were now tattooed into my memory filled my head.
“Of all the Tainted Knight guys, Kale is probably the most honorable,” she went on. “And that includes Jace. He’s a good guy, Santana. He’s sweet and kind, and yes, a total goofball at times. I’ve seen how he is with you. Hell, a blind man could see how he is with you. He cares about you, and I don’t think he would ever intentionally hurt you.”
“I suppose he’s told you what happened?” I turned my head, no longer caring if she saw me crying or not.
“He has, yes.” I opened my mouth, but she stopped me. “No, babe. I’m not going to tell you. I’m not here to convince you one way or another about breaking up with him. That’s up to you. I just think you should give him a few minutes. Let him tell you in his own words what happened, and then, if you want him gone, I’ll be on the other side of the door to kick his ass out.”
I chewed that over for a few minutes. I knew she was right, and I knew that I needed to face this rather than continuing to put it off. I was a fucking adult, and I needed to face my problems head-on rather than ignoring them and hoping they would fix themselves. It was the pain that scared me, though. He had the power to decimate my heart, a heart that was already badly bruised from that stupid picture alone.
My gaze fell on the card lying on the table beside my phone. “I don’t know what to do, Kin. I was pretty sure I was in love with him until that picture. Now I feel kind of lost.”
“I’m sorry, babe.” She took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “But I think you’re going to continue feeling lost until you talk to him.”
She was right. I had to talk to him, if for no other reason than to give myself some closure.
“Okay,” I whispered. “You promise you’ll be right outside, though?”
“I promise. All you have to do is yell for me, and I’ll be right here to kick him in the balls. Or toss his ass out the window. Whatever you want.” She winked at me and stood. “I’ll go get him.”
I wanted to stop her. I wasn’t ready. This was too soon. Couldn’t it wait until tomorrow? Instead, I only nodded, and she went out the door.
I leaned my head back against the pillow that was surprisingly soft and comfortable. I had never stayed in the hospital before, but I’d thought the pillows were flat and hard.
I heard the door open and then close, but I didn’t immediately open my eyes. I knew what was going to happen when I looked at him after so many weeks apart. Despite the picture, I still missed him.
It had been too damn long since I had been able to feast my eyes on his delicious body, his sexy face, that freaking lip ring. It felt like an eternity since I had been held by him, felt his fingers stroking over my hair. I had dreamed of his kisses, of having his tongue play with mine, of his lips tasting every inch of my body.
“Doll,” his voice was rough, choked almost.
I lifted my lashes, my chin already trembling before my gaze landed on the man standing at the foot of my hospital bed.
He was wearing destressed jeans with holes in the knees. His T-shirt was wrinkled, like he had been wearing it for days.
When my eyes reached his face, I soaked up the sight of him. His skin was gray, and the dark circles under his eyes told me he hadn’t gotten much sleep recently. But it was the look in his eyes that tore my heart apart.
Tears had filled his eyes, just as they had mine.
I looked away, afraid he could see how much I loved him in my eyes.
I heard him move and saw him out of the corner of my eye as he came around the side of the bed. Then I felt his hands cupping the back of my head. It soothed something that only he could soothe, an ache that had been raw and festering for seven weeks without him.
He pressed his lips to my forehead, and out of all the kisses he could have given me, that one was my undoing.
A sob bubbled up into my throat, and I lost the fight on my tears as they spilled free.
“I’ve missed you so damn much, Santana.” His voice was hoarse, full of all the em
otions that were still swimming around in his eyes.
“I missed you, too,” I whispered in a voice that was so faint I wasn’t sure if he could hear me or not.
His hand tightened on my hair and tugged, pulling my head back so that I had no choice but to look up. His hazel eyes were almost all green right then, and the intensity in them took my breath away.
“I love you.”
“Don’t say that,” I whimpered. “You don’t get to say that yet. You … You—”
He brushed his lips over mine in a soft, barely-there kiss that effectively shut me up.
“I love you,” he said again. “And I’ll say it whenever I feel like it. I should have told you before I left, but I was afraid I’d scare you off. It was the biggest mistake of my life.”
I tried to pull away from him, not allowing myself to soak up the fact that he’d just told me he loved me. Twice.
He twisted his fingers in my hair, refusing to let me get away. He hadn’t let his tears fall, but they were still bright in his eyes.
“That’s the biggest mistake of your life?” I cried, beyond pissed that he hadn’t owned up to the shit that had been going on in that fucking picture.
“Yes. It’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.” He lifted his free hand to my face, rubbing away my tears with his thumb before tracing them over my bottom lip. “I didn’t cheat on you, Santana. I would never do that. If I woke up tomorrow and my feelings for you had changed, I would man up and tell you. Not screw some random chick at a fucking party. But that will never happen, because for the first time in my life, I’m in love and I’m not about to ruin that.”
“So, what was going on in that picture, then? You had two girls in your lap. Two. They looked like they were having fun there, too. And you sure as fuck weren’t pushing anyone off you.”
He kept tracing my lips, which was distracting me from how mad I was. It wasn’t fair. Kale was there. Touching me. Telling me the one thing I had ached to hear. How was I supposed to think about anything else when I was getting all the things I’d been desperate for, for seven weeks.
“I didn’t want to go to that fucking party in the first place,” he told me, his expression dark as he remembered. “Travis said we had to, because it was Petrova, and we can’t say no to Petrova. So, I went, and I camped out on that couch with Sin and Gray for hours. I was half-drunk, bored, and missing you like crazy. All I wanted to do was call you and ask how the wedding went. I just wanted to hear your voice, doll.”
He pressed his forehead against mine for a few seconds before exhaling harshly and continuing. “Then Kassa got pissed and Gray ran off after her. Some chick came up to Sin and told him she wanted to suck his cock, so he left me, too. Two guys from another band sat down across from me, and I was talking to them about you.” He kissed me again, soft as a butterfly’s wing across my lips. “I always talk about you, because you’re the only thing on my mind whenever I’m not on stage, and sometimes, even then you’re front and center.”
I was melting. He was saying all the right things, and I wanted to believe him. My heart demanded I believe him, but I couldn’t trust him, let alone myself right then. My heart wasn’t smart where this guy was concerned.
“Those chicks, they dropped down into my lap, pulled that stupid shit, and I couldn’t get them off me fast enough.” He sighed. “If you had seen my face, you would have known I didn’t want any part of those bitches.”
I pushed at his chest, needing space from him so I could think clearly. He backed up, but only a few inches.
“But I couldn’t see your face, Kale. Some blonde had her tongue in your mouth.” Fresh tears burned my eyes, and I tried to blink them away, yet a few spilled free.
A groan sounded like it was being torn from him as he kissed away my tears. “I can’t think straight when I see your tears. Please don’t cry.”
I hated crying, yet I couldn’t seem to stop.
Kale shifted me on the bed and slid in beside me. His arms felt like a safe haven as he wrapped them around me and pressed my head to his chest. I cried until my throat hurt, until my eyes were so swollen that I could barely keep them open. It drained me of what little energy I had.
I couldn’t fight him, not when this was what I had been dreaming of for so many weeks now.
The feel of his fingers in my hair, gently combing through the thick length while his other hand rubbed soothing circles on my back began to relax me. The beat of his heart under my ear became my lullaby.
“I love you,” I thought I heard him whisper against my ear before I gave in and let sleep take me.
TWENTY ONE
Kale
I held her until her tears dried on my shirt, until her breathing evened out and she relaxed against me completely. I held her when the nurse came in to change the medication that went into her IV. Angie and Jenna came in, but as soon as they saw that she was sleeping, they quickly turned around and left. I didn’t move, except to continue rub her back and comb my fingers through her hair. She slept peacefully, and for the first time in weeks, I felt alive again with her in my arms.
I wanted to protect her from the outside world, protect her from more shit like that stupid picture in the tabloid. I knew I couldn’t, not completely. She was going to have to trust me.
I understood why it had been so bad. We hadn’t been together long before I’d had to leave her. There hadn’t been time for me to show her what she meant to me, that she was the only one I wanted and loved. It was going to take work, but I hoped she would still want to be a part of my life.
Because if she did, I would make sure that she never doubted who my heart belonged to.
As the sun set and the room began to darken, I felt my own eyes begin to get heavy. I was about to give in, when the doctor knocked on the door and stepped inside.
Seeing me lying in bed with her, his brows lifted, but he didn’t comment on it. I had talked to the man several times over the last few days, so we weren’t exactly strangers.
“How has she been?” he asked as he looked down at the chart in his hands.
“She’s been sleeping most of the day.”
“Good, good.” He nodded. “The rest is the best thing for her right now.”
Santana stirred in my arms. Opening her eyes, she smiled up at me for a second before reality seemed to fall over her. She didn’t pull away from me until she saw the doctor standing at the foot of the bed, though.
“How are you feeling, Miss Palmer?” the doctor asked as he pulled his stethoscope from around his neck.
She fought back a yawn and shifted in my arms. “I’m feeling a lot better, actually.”
“Well, your vitals are looking good.” He took a minute to listen to her heart, lungs, and stomach. When he was done, he nodded. “Good, good. How about a little dinner?”
She made a face. “I’d rather not.”
“After what you’ve been through, I can understand why you would be reluctant to eat, but your body needs food.” He patted her on the arm. “We’ll go easy. I think some Jell-O and broth. Maybe even some pudding if you’re up to it. Tomorrow, if you can eat some breakfast and keep it down, I may release you.”
That perked her up. “I’d like that. I’m not a fan of hospitals.”
The doctor grinned. “I imagine not, but Mr. Conway here has you set up in the best suite we have, so your stay couldn’t be all that bad.”
“What do you mean?” She turned her head, scanning my face, but I didn’t offer her any answers.
I hadn’t wanted her to know that I had arranged for her to get her own private room. The thought of her being put on the same floor with all the other food poison patients, with the nurses being run off their asses and unable to keep up with everyone hadn’t sat well with me.
I hadn’t been able to help my mother when she had been sick, but I could do something to make Santana more comfortable while she was in the hospital.
“Kale?” She shifted away from me now to look at me mo
re easily. “What did you do?”
I shrugged. “I’m covering your stay here, doll. No way was I letting them put you downstairs with everyone else. It’s a nightmare down there.”
“You’re the reason I got a private room?” Her voice was a little breathless, but before I could figure out if she was upset or not, she turned back to the doctor. “So, I get to go home tomorrow?”
“If you keep down breakfast, most likely.” He scribbled something on the chart in his hands. “The nurse will bring you in some dinner in a little while. Go slow, but try to eat at least a little of it.” He tapped her on the foot with the chart then headed for the door. “Good evening, Miss Palmer, Mr. Conway.”
“Doctor,” I muttered.
She watched him go, not speaking, even after the door had closed behind him.
“Don’t be mad,” I said when she just sat there. “I only wanted you to be comfortable.”
She blew out a long sigh. “I’m not mad.”
“But you are upset.”
She wouldn’t look at me, and her body was stiff beside mine.
“I don’t know what I am right now.” She tossed her hair over her shoulder and grimaced. “I don’t know what to say. Fuck, I don’t know anything, really.”
I stroked my fingertips over her cheek until I reached her chin, then pulled her face around until she was looking at me. “The only think I want you to know is that I love you. Nothing else matters.” I kissed her, slow and deep. I poured everything I felt for her into that kiss, praying that she understood, that she believed and trusted me.
She kissed me back, her tongue sneaking out to play with mine. We were both lost in it for long minutes, until she pulled back.
Pressing her hands to my chest, she pushed me back. “This isn’t fair. I can’t think when you do this. I need … time.”
My heart sank. “Time for what, doll?”
“To think. To figure everything out.” She tossed her hair over her shoulder again in that adorable way I loved so much. “Everything was dropped on me like a ton of bricks all at once, and I haven’t had a chance to figure out what’s what.”