“Mmmhmm.” His heart was breaking, and there was no way he could show it. He didn’t want to ask the next question but he couldn’t stop himself. “And now?”
“I guess Tim got worried that he hadn’t really told her how he felt. So after the shoot one day last week he met her and shared exactly how he’s been feeling.”
Again Cody felt sick. He knew what day Andi was talking about because he’d been walking by on a path a ways off, and he’d seen the two of them. They’d been sitting where the filming had taken place that day, lost in conversation. He was too far off to tell if Tim had kissed her that afternoon, but even if he hadn’t, the two of them were very close, too caught up in each other and the moment to even notice him.
Andi was going on about how now that Bailey and Tim had talked, Bailey’s feelings for him were stronger. She hesitated, and her look said she was trying to figure him out. “It’s your turn.”
“The long story?”
“Yep.” She seemed comfortable with him, and less sad than before. “You used to live with Bailey’s family, right?”
“They pretty much rescued me. I needed a lot of help back then.” He remembered those early days with the Flanigans. He used to watch Bailey, the sweet way she had about her, the strong faith in God that was so much a part of who she was. He had told himself often that he would never be good enough for a girl like Bailey. He still told himself that.
“What happened to your family? Were they just, you know, okay with you leaving home?”
“It was only my mother, and she wasn’t doing well, either. She spent some time in prison, so … without the Flanigans, I would’ve been in foster care.”
“Hmmm.” She studied him, her tone understanding. “They’re really nice. I was at their house last weekend.”
“Very nice.”
“You said you needed a lot of help … were you in trouble?”
Cody wasn’t afraid to tell her the truth. Part of the greatest joy in his life was the distance he’d come since those days. “I was into girls and drinking—pretty heavily on both accounts.” He narrowed his eyes, seeing himself as he was. “When you talk about not wanting to live so safe and sheltered, it makes me cringe. I know what the other side’s like. There’s nothing good about it, no matter how it seems at the time.”
She wanted to know more details, and he told her how he’d come home one night so drunk that he’d fallen unconscious. “I nearly died. If the Flanigans hadn’t found me the next morning, I wouldn’t be here.” He gave a slow shake of his head. “It was close.”
“Cody … that’s awful.”
Her alarm told him that all of this was news to her. Bailey hadn’t said a word about his background, and the truth about that made him smile to himself. Even on a night when he had more proof than ever that Bailey and Tim were getting very serious. Bailey still cared, because she hadn’t casually talked about his background to her roommate.
“You and Bailey,” she looked slightly uncomfortable this time. “Did the two of you ever, you know … think about going out?”
“Not really.” He couldn’t say no, because the feelings they’d had for each other before he left for the war were real. No matter that nothing had come from them, they were real all the same. “We got close after my alcohol poisoning. She was having a hard time at high school, and I was there. We talked a lot, took walks, that sort of thing.”
Andi’s smile told him she was still waiting for an answer. “So …”
“So she was still in high school and I had enlisted in the army. I wouldn’t have dared cross that line with her back then, and … I don’t know, when I came back from the war things were different. A lot of time had passed.”
“And she was dating Tim?”
“Right.”
“You have feelings for her, though … don’t you? I mean, it seems like you do.”
“I still care about her.” He tried to look casual, hoped she couldn’t see the arrow still sticking out of his side. “She’ll always be like a sister to me, I guess. Tim was in her life even before I left for the war. He’s good for her. Really. I’m happy for them.”
Andi didn’t look completely convinced, but she let the moment pass. They talked awhile longer, about their classes and Campus Crusade and the mission trip to the Philippines some of the kids were taking next summer. By then, the stadium crowd began emptying, and Andi started looking for Bailey.
“Tim usually turns in pretty early. He lives at home.” Andi rested her chin on her steering wheel and searched the crowd. “Maybe I’ll go back with Bailey to her parents’ house.” She shot a quick smile at Cody. “It beats being alone.”
Cody understood how she felt. If he had the chance he would’ve gone back to the Flanigan house tonight, too. No matter how much time passed, the place would always feel like home. He yawned and put his hand on the door. “Thanks for talking.”
“Yeah, you’re a good listener. And it was nice getting to know you better.” Her eyes danced, more like they had the first time he sat by her at the Cru meeting. She held out her hand. “Give me your phone, and I’ll give you my number. We can text that way.”
“Sure.” He pulled out his phone, and after a minute they both had each other’s numbers. “Okay, well … see you around.” He opened the door and stepped out as she said a final goodbye.
“Hey,” she leaned across the passenger seat so she could see him better. “You going to Cru this week? Bailey and I have rehearsals so we might be a little late.”
“I’ll be there.”
“Sit near the back again and save us seats.” She grinned. “It’s more fun that way.”
He agreed and after another minute of talk about Cru, they parted ways. As he stood and headed for his car, he scanned the crowd of fans, in case Bailey might be among them. But there was no sign of her.
As he reached his car, he realized he felt better than he had in a while. The conversation with Andi was nice, nicer than he’d expected. She was kind and pretty and though she maybe had a wild streak, he could see through it to the God-fearing girl she was deep inside. If it weren’t for Bailey he might’ve been interested in a girl like Andi Ellison. But there were two problems that would keep anything from ever developing between him and Andi. First, because she was Bailey’s roommate.
And second, because no matter how wonderful she was, she would never be the girl he really wanted.
A girl who could only be Bailey Flanigan.
Twenty
KELLY RYAN OPENED THE WINDOW OF their three-bedroom house and felt the warm autumn afternoon air move by her. Fall in San Jose was absolutely perfect. A hint of color in the trees, the distant mountains and hills clear against the blue sky, and the countryside dotted with fully ripe vineyards, ready for harvest season or “crush” as the locals called it. Kelly stared out the window and sighed. None of it looked as beautiful as usual this time around for one reason.
Chase was two thousand miles away.
Last night’s talk hadn’t ended well. He was exhausted from the showdown with the union, and he admitted that with the setback in filming, they didn’t have enough money to finish the film.
“What?” She didn’t want to sound alarmed. She’d done everything she could to support his decision to make this movie. She managed the house and the girls and their life back in San Jose by herself and tried to understand when he couldn’t call until late each night. But this was exactly what she’d feared all along. If they ran out of money, they’d have to repay something to the investors. Bankruptcy was almost a certainty.
She felt her stomach tighten, something that had been happening often lately. God … is this really why you brought us here? To get caught up in the weirdness of Hollywood only to lose everything?
An answer would’ve been nice, an assurance that if the Lord owned the cattle on a thousand hills, certainly He could send a few investors their way. But God hadn’t been sending answers or investors—not lately. Kelly breathed in the warm a
ir and tried to will away the heaviness in her heart. Nothing about herself or her life felt right, and she no longer had any idea how to escape the dark clouds around her.
“Mommy, come see my picture!” Molly’s sing-song voice rang out through the house. “Hurry, Mommy. ’Fore Macy rips it up!”
She fought against the weariness as she headed toward the sound of her daughter’s voice. “Coming, baby.” She rounded the corner and there was Molly, sitting on her knees at their old wooden kitchen table. The surface wobbled as she worked her blue crayon across the top of the page.
“The table’s breaking, I think.” Molly pushed her straight blonde hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. Then she peered under the table and gave the nearest leg a shake. “Yep, it’s breaking.”
Kelly tried not to let the news discourage her. They’d bought the table at a garage sale when they first returned from Indonesia. Fifty bucks, including four chairs. She came closer and sat next to her four-year-old. “Daddy will fix it when he gets back.”
She cocked her head, her big blue eyes wide with concern. “When does he get back again? Tomorrow?”
“No, baby. A few more weeks.”
“Oh.” She frowned and then turned her attention back to her drawing. “Weeks are a long time.” She pointed to her drawing. “See this? I made it for Daddy.”
Kelly studied the intricate picture. “Let’s see … that’s you, right? With the long blonde hair?”
“Right.” She pointed at the other stick figure, this one much taller, larger than life. “And this one’s Daddy. It’s a picture of when we see each other again.” She pointed to the blue sky and bright yellow sun. “See? It’s the happiest day ever!”
At that moment, Macy came tearing into the room, her baby doll high in the air. She had the toy stretched out in front of her, flying the doll around the house. While she ran, she made a low rumbling sound like a jet, and when she reached Molly, she swept the doll in low over her paper.
“Don’t!” Molly shielded her artwork with her body and glared at her sister. “See, Mommy. I told you Macy’s gonna rip it.”
“Mace, sweetie … let’s calm down a little.” Kelly wanted to go in the other room, lay down, and sleep until morning. And it was only two in the afternoon.
“Baby’s flying.” Macy stopped and sent Kelly a pleading look. “Please, Mama … baby likes flying.” Macy had talked well since before her second birthday last spring. With Molly as her role model, she did everything she could to keep up.
“Okay, but you can’t fly your baby over Molly’s picture.” Kelly had no idea where her youngest had gotten such an idea. Flying babies. “Why’s your baby flying, anyway?”
A smile lit up Macy’s face. “To see Daddy!”
Kelly wasn’t sure if it was the weariness in her soul or the way both her daughters clearly missed their father, but Macy’s answer brought tears to her eyes. Tired, angry tears. Chase should’ve been home with them, not off chasing some crazy idea that was going to send them to financial ruin.
Molly looked at her and touched her fingertips to Kelly’s cheek. “Are you sad, Mommy? Because of Daddy?”
“Yes, baby. I want him to come home, too.” She had to find a way to lift the mood. Otherwise none of them were going to make it. “Okay, girls … how ’bout some lemonade?”
The girls bounced in place and let out a string of happy cries and shouts.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” She owed it to her daughters to keep things as normal as possible, happy and centered around a routine. They still did devotions each morning and read storybooks about princesses at night. But after last night’s talk with Chase, Kelly wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep a happy face—even for the girls. She measured out three scoops of powdered lemonade mix in a plastic pitcher, and coughed a few times when the fine yellow powder filled her nose.
Molly spun around. “You’re not getting sick, are you Mommy?”
“No, baby. I’m fine.” She laughed despite the heartache she was feeling. Molly was the caretaker of the two, looking out not only for Macy, but for everyone in the family. If anyone sneezed or coughed or held their hand to their head, she wanted to know immediately if there was a problem.
They sipped lemonade while Molly moved on to another picture—this one for Kelly—and Macy continued to fly her baby doll through the living room. With every minute that passed, Kelly tried to convince herself she was fine, that this was only a phase in life, a season. One day soon Chase would come home and they would sort through the financial aftermath. Even if they went bankrupt over the failed movie, they would find their way to the surface again someday. That’s what Christians did, right? As long as they had God and each other and the precious girls humming and drawing and playing around them, everything would be okay.
But today the convincing was an almost impossible struggle. Instead of joy and strength, Kelly felt filled with sorrow and emptiness, too tired to think of even one Bible verse that might dispel the gloom and give her hope for tomorrow. When the girls were down for their nap, she wandered into her bedroom and slid out a box of old letters and photo albums from beneath the bed. Maybe if she allowed herself to go back to the beginning she could remember why she had fallen in love with Chase in the first place.
They’d all been students at Cal State University Northridge, Kelly and Lisa Ellison taking classes for international studies degrees, and Chase and Keith working toward film production degrees. By then, Keith had spent years trying to make it as an actor. He earned bit parts and one small independent film project. But he and Lisa married and Andi came along, and God made it clear to Keith that he needed to pursue something else. That’s when he went back to school to be a producer.
But along the way he and Lisa and Kelly took a mission trip to Indonesia. Everything about their dreams and goals changed in one week. Practically overnight Keith and Lisa were convinced they needed to move overseas and tell people about the salvation of Jesus Christ, teaching them to anchor their lives on God’s eternal truth in the Bible.
The news was fantastic for Kelly. She’d gone into college with the idea of being a missionary, and now she had two friends who wanted to go with her. Chase entered the picture that next year. Even today Kelly wasn’t sure if he really wanted to live in the jungle, or if he was simply that taken with her.
She ran her hand along the plastic box of memories. She could still hear Lisa’s reaction when she heard the news that Chase was going to leave everything and join them in Indonesia. Lisa had laughed out loud, not a mocking laugh but one that said she was beyond amazed.
“Seriously? That guy would follow you to the ends of the earth.” She let her shock show in her face. “He’s such a pretty boy, Kelly. Are you sure he can handle Indonesia?”
Kelly had laughed then and often through that first year in the jungle. But the experience changed and matured Chase, and when he proposed to her a year later, her yes was nothing more than a formality. She was wholly and completely in love with Chase Ryan.
She sighed and just that effort alone felt wearying. For the third time that week she wondered if she was maybe depressed, if maybe she needed medication to find her way clear of the clouds. But she dismissed the idea. She needed God and she needed Chase, and she needed to know they would still have a roof over their heads a year from now. As far as she knew, that combination wasn’t something she could get with a prescription.
The plastic lid to the storage box had long since been tossed—too warped to fit. So the contents contained a fine layer of dust on the top items—including an oversized photo album that held pictures from their entire time overseas. She brushed her fingers along the beige cloth cover and in the afternoon sunlight she saw a small cloud of dust take to the air. She watched it dissipate and wondered. Maybe that was the problem with her life and her marriage. Even her faith. She’d let a layer of dust build up along the surface.
“You should be here, Chase,” she whispered. Again tear
s blurred her vision, and she blinked a few times so she could see. When he finally came home, they could sit on the floor and look at these pictures together. That would have to give them a reason to feel strong again, right? She gazed out the window at the brilliant blue sky. Give me strength, please God … I can’t encourage Chase when I feel like this.
She waited, but again there was no answer. Just the subtle winds of sadness and discontent that blew across her barren heart. For ten minutes she looked through the book, through the chapters and years of their lives on the mission field. But no matter how hard she tried, she could barely recognize herself. It wasn’t only that she was older, or that she could stand to lose twenty pounds. There was something in her expression, in the confident way she came across in every photo, that seemed foreign to her now.
“Who are you?” she brushed her fingers across the younger beaming happy face she’d had back then. “Who are you, Kelly Ryan … missionary girl?” Her throat felt tight, and more tears filled her eyes. “And how did I lose you along the way?”
The memories were bright and brilliant, but they felt like they belonged to another person, another lifetime. She shut the book and set it to the side. The rest of the box had letters her parents had sent to them in Indonesia, an entire stack rubber-banded together. That had been the hardest part about their years away, how much her parents had missed. Her father had only recently retired from his job in LA, and they were making plans to move to San Jose so they could watch Molly and Macy grow up.
She set the stack of letters next to the photo album and sifted through an old velvet jewelry case with the broken necklace Chase had given her their first Christmas together. She opened the hinged box and moved her finger around the neglected pieces. She was always going to get it fixed. The necklace had a small white gold heart with a single tiny diamond. But the chain had broken three years ago or so and the pieces had stayed in this box beneath the bed ever since.