Kelly raised a wary brow. “Lawyers don’t work for free. It all costs so much.”
“We’ve accounted for that, Kelly. Obviously.” Chase immediately regretted his tone. Kelly had a right to feel nervous.
“I was just asking.” Kelly tried to hide her hurt, but her eyes gave her away. She stood and headed for the kitchen, glancing first at Keith’s wife. “More coffee?”
“Definitely.” Lisa joined her, and they rounded the corner into the kitchen.
At the same time, Andi stood and headed to the back room to work on a paper for her English class. Once they were gone, Chase heard Kelly’s defeated laugh. “This thing is going to break us all — you ever feel that way?”
Chase couldn’t hear Lisa’s answer, but his wife’s lack of confidence made him feel suddenly tired — too tired to continue the conversation. He looked at Keith and saw his friend had also heard Kelly. He kept his voice low so the wives and Andi wouldn’t hear him. “I thought we were past this. A few months ago she was nothing but supportive.”
Keith was within arm’s reach, and he put his hand on Chase’s shoulder. “You can’t blame her for being worried.”
“Lisa’s not.”
“Of course she is.” Keith’s smile was layered with wisdom. “She doesn’t talk about it the way Kelly does, but if we don’t make our money back on this movie, we’ll lose our house.”
The news hit Chase with a cold wave of reality. “That bad?”
“Yes.” Keith clasped his hands and stared for a moment at the place between his feet. “We took out a second mortgage on the house, and the payments are way beyond our comfort zone. Same as you.”
Chase nodded, his mind drifting. He and Kelly rented the house they were in, so as long as he drew a salary from their work they wouldn’t be homeless. But their credit cards were maxed out. If the money ran dry, and if the studio waited too long for a DVD release, Chase and Keith could reach a point where there would be no money even for a meager paycheck. He pictured himself talking to Kelly, explaining that she would need to get a job so they could pay their bills, and he shuddered. He’d quit making movies and clean toilets at a gas station before he’d ask Kelly to get a job. Especially if it was to support him while he followed his dreams. The sobering reality of that made him understand a little of what had Kelly feeling down.
After the next round of coffee, Keith, Lisa, and Andi went home. Keith promised to pick up Chase for the drive to LA first thing Sunday morning. They wanted half a day to discuss their plans and meet with Ben Adams one more time before they returned to the editing room to begin their most intense week yet.
When they were gone, Chase leaned against the closed door and locked eyes with his wife. “Is it the money? Is that what’s eating you?”
“I’m not the problem.” Kelly touched her fingers to her chest, her expression anchored in disbelief. “We can’t walk around pretending we aren’t in trouble.” She paused, and raw fear flashed in her eyes. “What if the film doesn’t break even?”
Chase didn’t want to fight. He folded his arms and leaned his head against the cool wood door. His tone was quietly resigned. “It’s Thanksgiving, Kelly. We’re supposed to thankful.”
“I am. But I’m also realistic.” She tossed her hands and exhaled her frustration. “We’re running out of money, Chase. You’ve got a movie almost done, and that’s great. But where do we go from here?”
“Do we have to know?” His anger rose a level. “Whatever happened to trusting God? Believing He has a plan for us?”
“Don’t start with that.” Kelly let her hands fall to her sides. The girls were asleep down the hall, and he watched her fight to keep her voice in check. “Of course God has a plan. That doesn’t mean the plan is for you to make movies, right? Or did you get a memo from God and forget to tell me?”
Chase hated when she was sarcastic. Her eyebrows lowered and the lines deepened across her forehead. In moments like this she seemed a different person from the girl he’d married. As if the two of them had never laughed or loved at all.
He thought of all the responses he might give her. He could tell her sarcasm didn’t become her, and he could remind her that before they left the mission field they had agreed God wanted them here, in California … making movies. But again he was too tired for the battle. He brushed his hand in her direction. “Never mind.”
“Wait …”
He didn’t want to. Without looking back, he walked to the kitchen and surveyed the dishes still crowded around the sink. He rolled up his shirt sleeves and began scrubbing the sweet potatoes and dried-on stuffing. Four of the plates were already washed when Kelly came to him. She studied him for a minute, and then joined in, wrapping up the leftover pie and putting away spices and whipped cream left out from dessert. From the corner of his eye, Chase watched her linger near the spice cupboard, searching for something.
Then, almost abruptly, she straightened and with only the slightest hesitation she told him good night and she was gone. As she walked away, he saw something he hadn’t noticed before. She was wearing stretch pants — the kind she wore when she struggled with her weight. He’d noticed she was a little heavier than usual, but the pants were a sure sign.
He dried his hands and stooped down near the spice cupboard. Far in the back, where he would never have otherwise noticed it, was a wadded-up plastic grocery bag. He reached back and pulled it out. Even before he opened it, he had an idea of what he’d found. This was Kelly’s weakness — hiding food. Sneaking chocolate and cookies so that no one would know she struggled. He opened the bag and there was the proof. It held at least fifty Hershey’s Kisses, and just as many empty wrappers.
Anger rattled his nerves once more. He stood and moved to the trashcan beneath the sink, but he stopped before slamming the bag into the trash. Instead he set the bag out on the counter in plain sight. If she wanted to eat candy, she could eat it. He would love her no matter what.
“Why, God?” The prayer felt as worn out as he did. Did their money troubles really have her that depressed?
He massaged his thumb and fingers into his temples and willed the tension there to ease. Compassion tempered his frustration. Kelly didn’t want to eat like this. She was worried and discouraged, afraid of their money troubles and Chase’s future as a filmmaker. He looked out the window again.
What can I do, God? How can I love her so that I’m all she needs?
Almost as soon as he’d laid the question before God, Chase knew the answer. He would never satisfy all Kelly’s needs. Only the Lord could do that. And until she learned to turn to Him when she felt overwhelmed, the struggle would continue.
How long had she been discouraged this time? She’d come to the shoot and together they’d shared alone time — something rare for them. She’d been supportive and loving and sure that God would see them through. But after his second LA editing trip, he’d noticed something different about her. She seemed distant and short. Now he understood just how hopeless she must be feeling.
Please, God … give her strength. I’m not sure how much I can help her.
No matter how he approached the subject, he couldn’t win, couldn’t help her. He finished the dishes, praying for her the entire time. Clearly the answer was the one God had placed on his heart moments ago: she needed Christ — His satisfaction, His fulfillment, His strength.
As he turned off the lights he no longer felt angry. Instead he was determined to do the one thing he could do: pray for her without ceasing, that she might find the strength to do the same.
Before her discouragement grew any worse.
SHE’D BEEN FOUND OUT.
Kelly knew it early Friday morning as soon as she saw the bag of candy on the counter. Her heart slid into a fast and frantic rhythm, because if Chase knew … If he knew, then she wasn’t sure how she could face him. He and the girls were asleep, but they’d wake up soon. Chase would give her that look, the one that said he was aware of her struggles and that he was disappointed in her.
She would be forced to come clean about her eating, and she would feel like a fat failure in front of her husband. Too depressed to find her way to daylight.
Her heart found its regular beat again. Defiance muddied the stagnant water of her heart. If Chase knew, there was no point hiding the candy. She moved the bag back to the spice cupboard, right up front. She could eat what she wanted to eat, and if she gained weight, then so be it. She had to keep the house and yard up, pay the bills, and keep the family going on almost no money. She would find control later, after the New Year. Chase was never home anyway, gone running after a dream that seemed less and less likely.
The pans were still soaking in the sink. She studied them, defeated, and caught her reflection in the mirror. She stopped short and stared at herself, hating what she saw. The weight was piling on, and she could do nothing to hide the fact. Her face looked pasty and puffy, creased with concern and deceit.
She took a step closer. Rebelliousness didn’t become her. When had her eyes lost the shine that marked them a few months ago when she went to Bloomington, Indiana, and declared to Chase her absolute support? Punch drunk, that’s how she looked, battered by the abuse she wielded on her own body. Her blank eyes reminded her of someone lost somewhere in the middle rounds of a boxing match against depression. A match she was destined to lose.
A realization began to take root, and she felt conviction taking hold of her, shaking her and ordering her out of the ring. Life wasn’t meant to be a web of lies, and only one reason could explain why Chase had found out about her recent mindless eating.
God wanted him to find out.
She hung her head and didn’t try to stop the gathering tears. A long, slow sigh made its way from her, taking with it every argument she’d ever made in favor of hiding food and falling prey to a diet of chocolate and McDonald’s. None of this was Chase’s fault; it was her own. Chase loved her and cared for her and the girls in a way too great for words. His time away was a necessary part of the commitment of filmmaking — an adventure she’d agreed to and supported even as recently as her trip to Indiana.
Footsteps sounded in the hallway, and Kelly ran her fingertips beneath her eyes. She sniffed and looked at herself once more. God, I need You. I can’t do this without You. The next few minutes were going to be humiliating, but if they were God’s way of taking her out of the fight, then she had no choice but to go along. However awful she felt.
“Kelly?” Chase came up behind her and stopped a few feet away. “I didn’t hear you get up.”
“Sorry.” She wasn’t willing to look at her husband yet. She knew exactly what she’d find in his eyes. Disapproval, disgust, and disappointment. The three Ds. “The pans needed washing.”
She held her breath and turned, facing him. But as they looked at each other, Kelly found she could barely exhale. Chase’s expression wasn’t angry or suspicious. His light-brown eyes showed a vulnerability, a love and concern that melted Kelly and shattered her defenses.
“Can you come here?” His words were kind and without accusation. He made no attempt to come to her, almost as if he could sense her vulnerability and he wanted her to know he wasn’t on the attack.
She came to him, her eyes never leaving his. He wasn’t her accuser, he was her friend, the one who had stood by her regardless of her highs and lows. As she reached him, he held out his hands and she wove her fingers between his. The touch of his skin felt intoxicating, lightening her spirit more than anything hidden in the cupboards — as if the unspoken honesty between them resurrected an intimacy long buried in layers of guilt.
Her body came up against his and she rested her head on his chest. “I’m sorry.” Looking at him was still too painful. “About the candy.”
He kissed the top of her head, their hands still linked. “You don’t have to hide from me, Kelly. You’re under a lot of pressure here. I know that.”
“But …” She lifted her eyes to his again. “I’m turning to all the wrong things.”
There was no need for him to say anything about that. “I’m here, Kel. If you need help, I’m here. I love you no matter what you eat, or how you look. I just want you to be happy.”
The reference to her looks cut, and she winced a little. He’d have to be blind not to notice the weight she’d put on these past few months. At the same time, she believed he meant what he said — that he loved her whatever her size. But meaning it and living it out were two very different realities. If she didn’t want their marriage to suffer, she had to find her way out of the darkness. “I’ve been so down, running everything here by myself.”
“I’m sorry.” His words were deeply sincere. “I hate being gone.”
She released his hands and slid her arms around his waist. “I wish you weren’t leaving so soon.” If only he could stay this next week, take walks with her and shop with her, help her have a normal week. Maybe then she could make things right with herself and him, and even God.
“I love you, do you know that?” He leaned back enough to see her, study her. “You couldn’t do anything to change that, Kel. I mean it. But don’t hide things from me.”
“I won’t. Never again.” Kelly laid her head against his chest once more and heard his heartbeat. The heartbeat of a man who loved her unconditionally. She tried to imagine telling Chase about surviving on candy and macaroni so she could find the energy to drag herself through a day of mowing the lawn and clipping coupons, washing dishes and doing laundry. All while trying to be both mother and father to their girls. No wonder she hid her stash of junk food. It was proof she was beyond discouraged and relying on all the wrong sources to survive.
Verses flooded her mind, Scriptures that ordered God’s people to keep their deeds in the light, to avoid all darkness where sin could grow unchecked. Rather than flinch away from them, she embraced them, accepted them as truth. For another five minutes they stood there, clinging to each other, breathing to the beat of each other’s heart, and believing that Kelly’s secret, mindless eating was behind them. She would move ahead in honesty and light. She would tell him when she was tempted to spend an entire day eating ice cream bars and chocolate chip cookies. She wanted a fresh start now, so she could enjoy Christmas without the feelings of stomach pains and indigestion, without the oppressive guilt and weight gain. She was finished with it, once and for all. As soon as the moment passed, before anything could deter or distract her, Kelly would visit her hiding places and gather the garbage, taking it directly to the trashcan in the garage. And that would be that.
But before she could make a move, the girls woke up. They came down the hall holding hands, their flannel nightgowns covering all but their bare feet and fingers. When they reached the place where their parents stood hugging each other, the girls began to giggle.
The moment was suddenly over, and the girls clamored for breakfast and a trip to the park and piggy-back rides on Chase. There were eggs to make and dishes to wash and laundry to start, and in the mix of laughter and chaos that was their morning, Kelly never got around to throwing out the junk food, never made her way to her hiding spots.
She still intended to, of course. She would toss everything as soon as she had a chance, as soon as the morning allowed.
And for at least half the day, she actually believed that.
By noon, a compromise began to take shape. She wouldn’t toss the food just yet, because what if the girls wanted a sweet snack? Money was tight, so it was practically sinful to throw out perfectly good cookies and candy. She could put them out when company came, the next time Laurie Weeks stopped by, maybe.
The compromise grew and swelled, and by nightfall she was already planning a trip to McDonald’s with the girls as soon as Chase left for LA. They could eat cheaper from the dollar menu than anything she could cook, and at least she’d get one night without dishes. As for the other junk food, she wouldn’t eat it now. She’d merely keep it around for a pick-me-up.
Just in case.
Seven
; ANDI MET BAILEY FOR LUNCH THE day Scrooge opened at Indiana University’s performance auditorium. She’d never been in a musical, and her stomach hadn’t been right all day. She took a table in the midst of the confusion of the cafeteria and scanned the doorway for her roommate. She was still looking when a guy from her science class walked up.
He was biracial — white and Middle Eastern, maybe. Tall with a nice smile. Once in a while he’d asked her about lecture notes, but his name escaped her. “Waiting for someone?”
“My friend.” Andi was careful not to seem interested. The guy was nice looking, and he seemed charming in his own way. But she’d already gotten into too much trouble with guys she didn’t know. She smiled, but kept the walls up behind her eyes. “She’ll be here any minute.”
“That’s okay.” He sat down and put his backpack on the table. “I’m Taz. You’ve seen me in science class, but I’m also a film student. You’re an actress, right?”
An actress. “I am.” She liked the sound of it, even if so far she’d only been an extra in her dad’s movie. “How’d you know?”
“You’re gorgeous. Your dad’s a producer — I saw you as an extra when he was filming on campus. And you’re starring in Scrooge, which opens tonight.” He winked at her. “I’ll be there, by the way. Me and my roommates. They’re film students too.”
He pulled an envelope from a pocket in his backpack and slid it across the table. “This is for you. I didn’t want to give it to you in class.”
Andi’s nerves were already on edge because in six hours she’d be slipping into the flowing gown that made up her costume for Scrooge, hoping she could still breathe when the curtain went up. She stared at the guy, now sitting in Bailey’s seat. A little pushy, she thought. But something about his approach appealed to her. “You wrote me a letter?”
“Sort of. It’s more of an offer.” He leaned back and smiled, definitely satisfied with himself.
“Hmmm.” Andi ignored the slight wave of anxiety his mention of opening night caused her. She felt her defenses fall. The film student stuff piqued her interest. “You’re making a film? Is that what you’re saying?”