“Emme, I am deeply and madly in love with you.”
I finally find the courage to say the words that have been stuck in my throat for four years. And once they’re out there, I realize that I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop.
“From the moment I saw you on our first day, I thought you were the most beautiful living creature that has ever graced this planet. When you came up to me in the cafeteria, I couldn’t believe that you would even speak to me. And every single second since, I have been in shock to have the fortune for you to be in my life.
“I never in a million years could ever think that you would see me as anything but the nerdy songwriter, so I’ve never said anything to you. I really cared about Kelsey, but she was a consolation prize because I couldn’t have you. And I know that sounds cruel, but it’s true. And all those girls at the show … I wanted you to see that some people found me attractive so that maybe you’d see me a different way. But I knew I was just making things worse. I knew you were so disappointed in me when I messed up. But part of me thought that if I kept messing up, it would give me a reason that you wouldn’t be with me. Not that I would ever have a chance. But then after you yelled at me, I had this feeling that you cared about me and, if you could be so passionate about me being an idiot, that if I could be a better person and not try to sabotage everything good in my life, you could see I’m just a guy who wants to do nothing but be in your presence.
“I don’t want to ruin our friendship and what we have, but I cannot for another minute stand in front of you without you knowing exactly how I feel. Because I can’t see past you. You are everything to me.”
I pause for a second. I try to swallow back some of the words. Emme’s eyes are wide. I have no idea what is going through her mind. But I need to tell her. I know that if I had to keep this charade up any longer, I would go mad.
I decide to go for broke. “Do you think you can trust me that I’ve changed, that I can be the person you need in your life and be with me? Emme?”
She blinks a few times and I feel dizzy when I see her bite her lip.
“Ethan … I didn’t know….”
“You had to know that I am crazy about you. Everybody knows.”
She shakes her head. “I didn’t think in such a … I guess …”
She goes over to a bench to sit down. I follow her and kneel so she has no choice but to look me in the eye.
“Ethan, I can’t imagine my life without you, but I think … I think … we should just be friends.”
I feel an ache in my chest at the sound of that word. Friend is the worst word you can hear when professing your love to someone. I guess if the only way I can have Emme is as a friend, I’ll have to settle for it. But I’m lying to myself if I think I can do that. And I’m so used to lying to myself, I know when I’m completely full of it. There’s no way I can do that.
A tear starts rolling down her face. “You know that if we were ever together, that if something went wrong, it would ruin the band, it would ruin what we have.”
“Or it can make it even better, even more amazing.”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
“Why?” I need to hear her say it. Whatever it is that is stopping her from being with me. Even if it’s that she finds me physically repulsive. I need to know, no matter how hard it hurts.
She lifts her head and looks me right in the eyes. “Because it would destroy me if you ever cheated on me. I could never handle that kind of betrayal from you.”
It feels as if the wind has been knocked out of me. Emme thinks that I would cheat on her. Because I cheated on Kelsey. A few times. In front of Emme.
“I would never do that to you. I have never betrayed you.”
Her shoulders begin to shake as I try to think of what else I could do. I’ve regretted a lot in my past, but never anything having to do with her, even now when my heart is being ripped in two.
She stands up. “I’m sorry, Ethan. I can’t.” She won’t even look at me before she runs away toward the street.
I stand there frozen until a pain surges in my forehead. I want to scream, I want to bash my head in, I want to shake Emme. No one will ever care for her as much as I do. Never. I need her to see that.
I shake my head, trying to clear the chaos of thoughts erupting in my mind.
There’s only one thing I know to do. One thing I can do to get a temporary reprieve from the misery I’m in.
I start to run home.
It takes me less than fifteen minutes to get home, and before I even get there, I already have the first two verses written.
I guess I was kidding myself when I thought that she’d come around. I only got a couple texts from Emme asking if I was okay and saying that she’s so sorry.
She’s basically apologizing for not loving me.
Yeah, I’m really sorry, too.
I start packing up my bag to head home. Emme and I haven’t really spoken since Saturday. Jack and Ben are more than aware that there’s something going on. When Jack made a joke about the tension during lunch on Monday, Emme started to cry and left the table. I think I’ve spoken about five words all week. And those would be “Just leave it alone, Jack.”
But we have a gig tonight and it’s hard to hide from each other in the tiny room backstage.
I dread even the thought of being in any room — big or small — having to look at Emme and pretend that my life hasn’t been shattered into a million little pieces. I force the school’s main door open with so much anger that the windows shake.
“Ethan?” I look over to see Carter reading a book on the steps. “Are you okay?”
He gets up.
“What are you doing here?” I don’t even pretend to be polite. Not that Carter did anything, but I’m so mad right now, I’d take it out on a blind nun.
“I’m meeting Emme….” He stops himself. His head cocks to the side as if he gets what’s going on. “You know this is hard on her, too.”
I hate how he can read people like we are all some open book here for his amusement.
“She’s not the one who is being rejected.” I fold my arms and glare at him.
“It’s not that simple.”
I start to walk away. What does Carter Harrison know about anything? And I guess he’s officially replacing me now? He’s Emme’s new confidant. I wonder if they’re anything else.
My body jerks as Carter grabs my arm. It takes every ounce of self-control to not punch him. “What do you want?”
He returns the hard stare. “Ethan, have you put yourself in Emme’s shoes? I don’t think she’s gotten over how betrayed she was by Sophie. Her best friend for nearly ten years turns out to be a fake who calls her out in front of the entire school. You, Ben, and Jack have been there for her since the beginning of freshman year. Do you have any idea of how scared she is of being hurt again, especially by someone who means as much to her as you?”
“I’d never hurt Emme. I’ve told her that, but she doesn’t believe me. She doesn’t want to hear it.”
“Then do something to make her hear you.”
He drops his grip and walks away.
It pains me to say it, but Carter is right.
I know what I need to do. It’s not like I’ve never done it before. But this time it’s different. Because I can’t lose the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
It’s like old times up onstage with the group. And it’s not that nostalgic feeling you have when reminiscing about the past.
No, I’ve become a mute between songs. I do my best to engage the crowd, but I can’t focus on them. I’ve only got one goal before me and it has nothing to do with the mass of people standing in front of me.
I’ve caught Ben and Emme exchanging knowing looks during the set. They know something is wrong. But neither one of them has any idea how wrong it all is.
We end with “Beat It,” since that’s become our signature song. The four of us take a bow and the others start to walk away. But
I don’t move.
I see Emme pause for a second as she steps offstage. But I start to tune my guitar and try not to wuss out.
Because I’m about ready to do the biggest audition of my life.
“Thanks, everybody.” The crowd quiets down. “I’m actually going to do one more number, if that’s okay with you.” They scream. I block out the movement coming from the side of the stage.
I strum the first few chords of the song. “This is a song I wrote this past weekend, and the guys haven’t had a chance to hear it yet.” More applause. “As some of you who are familiar with the band know, a lot of my writing comes from the stupid things I’ve done. And I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve dug my own grave a few times.” There are a few approving screams from the audience. “But sometimes something wonderful comes into your life that forces you to man up. So this song is for that radiant person.”
I refuse to even look at Emme. I already know she’s staring at the floor.
My hands are shaking as I smooth out the piece of paper with the words on it and set it on the floor. It’s a page from the notebook Emme gave me at Christmas.
I start to pick a melody from the guitar and then sing:
There are so many words bottled up inside
They scream out to be released
You’ve cast a spell over me
Been blinded for long, but can now see
You’re the only thing that matters in my life
All that I’ve done is for you
The biggest piece, the biggest part
The one person who controls my heart
If I could kiss away your pain, I would
If I could hold you every night, I would
If I could erase every mistake, every other face
I wouldn’t change a thing
Because all those things led me to this place
And to you
Because I … I could never break your heart
I wouldn’t know where to start
All I know to be true
Is the only breaking will be done by you
If I could make you smile all day, I would
If I could be the person you want, I would
If I could erase every mistake, every other face
I wouldn’t change a thing
Because all those things led me to this place
And to you
Because I … I could never break your heart
I wouldn’t know where to start
All I know to be true
Is the only breaking will be done by you
The last note hangs in the air. I grab the lyrics from the floor and head off the stage. I hear the crowd reacting, but I don’t care. It wasn’t for them. It never has been.
I turn for the first time to see her reaction. Her eyes are wide, her lips are pursed, her face pale. She looks down at the ground as I approach. Ben grabs Jack and they walk away.
“Emme.” I see her shiver slightly.
She starts shaking her head. She’s saying something, but I can’t hear her over the crowd.
I lean in so I’m close to her. “I’m sorry,” she says.
My entire body aches at her apology. “Because you don’t have feelings for me?”
She looks up at me and I can tell she’s mad. “I do have feelings for you, Ethan. That’s the problem. We’re best friends, you’re the closest person in the world to me. Why can’t we just keep things the way they are now?”
“Because I love you.”
“And I love you, too.”
I’ve wanted to hear those words from her for so long. Although I know her love and my love are two very different things. “But just not in that way, right?”
She doesn’t respond. I feel a madness creep over me. I need to get out of here, away from Emme.
I hear a voice call out after me. But it’s not Emme’s voice, so I don’t care.
A hand wraps itself tightly around my arm. “Ethan, are you okay?”
It’s Ben. I yank my arm free.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
I turn my back and walk away from Emme, from the band, from my life.
I always knew that senior year would be full of challenges — the showcase, the school auditions, leaving CPA behind.
But never did I imagine that the hardest part of senior year would be losing two people who mean so much to me.
What’s odd is that I didn’t even really feel the loss of Sophie. I found that I had a lot more time to focus on my music and the band.
But Ethan … watching him slip away has been harder than I could’ve ever imagined.
Sure, he’s still in class, but he keeps to himself. He hardly looks at me anymore. He won’t commit to any more shows. It’s like he’s shut himself off from us.
And it’s all my fault.
When he confessed his feelings for me, I was so torn. Part of me wanted to kiss him and not hesitate to jump into a relationship with him. But another part of me was scared. And that part won.
Then I froze after he sang that song.
I was scared of losing Ethan. But I lost him anyway.
And every time I see him, I’m reminded of what a mistake I’ve made.
It’s been two weeks since our concert. It has been the emptiest two weeks of my life. I’ve tried to talk to him, but it doesn’t work.
I head to my locker after class. While packing my bag, I open my phone and check my e-mail. I have one from Carter telling me he’s passed the GED. I’m about to e-mail him back when another message comes in. A chill rushes through me as I see the one e-mail I’ve been waiting for my entire life.
“Hey, Red!” Jack comes up to me. “I got this —”
“Have you seen Ethan?” I blurt out.
Jack stops and points toward the exit. “He was walking out the —”
I sprint toward the door and run down the street to try to catch Ethan. I weave through the mass of students heading home and the tourists going to Lincoln Center. I’ve walked to Ethan’s house with him so many times that I have his route memorized. I turn the corner and spot his red and gray backpack in the distance. I ignore the sharp pain in my side and continue to run.
I try calling out his name, but he has his earphones in and can’t hear me. I’m less than a block away. I concentrate on him and nearly run over a group of tourists trying to take a picture.
“ETHAN!” I scream, although I know he can’t hear me.
I’m only a few feet away from him and I reach my hand out to tap him. He stops dead in his tracks and I run right into him.
Before I know what hits me, I find myself lying on the sidewalk. Ethan’s eyes are wide as he takes out his headphones. “Are you okay?”
He reaches down and helps me up.
“What’s goin’ on over here?” A police offer approaches us. “Did you not see the traffic light?”
I brush the dirt off my pants. “Sorry, officer. I was trying to catch up to my friend.” I’m trying to catch my breath; all the cold air is burning my lungs.
“You could’ve gotten hit by a car.” He shakes his head and goes back to directing traffic.
The light changes, and Ethan and I cross the street.
He finally speaks. “What was that all about?”
“Sorry, I was trying to catch up to you. I didn’t see that you were at a crosswalk.”
“No, I mean, why are you here?”
I stop walking. “Ethan, I got into Juilliard.”
His face lights up. “Emme, congratulations!” It’s the first smile I’ve seen from him in weeks. He gives me one of his Ethan hugs. I thought I missed him, but being here with him, in his arms, makes the reality of what I lost much more traumatic.
“But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. I mean, it is. But …” I try to compose myself. I didn’t really have a plan but to find him. “When I saw the e-mail, you were the first person I thought of. It’s like nothing happens to me unless you know about it. And it’s
like these last two weeks didn’t exist because you weren’t a part of them. My biggest fear this entire time was losing you, but all I was doing was pushing you away. I don’t want you to be away. I want you to be here. I need you, and not because of the band or because you help me, but because I love you. And as much as I was trying to pretend that it was just in a friendly way, it wasn’t.
“You being with Kelsey made me not ever have to come to terms with my feelings for you. And the reason I got so mad at you for cheating was because I always felt like you were cheating on me as well. And when you two finally broke up, it frightened me. Because then I was going to have to figure out how I really felt. When I think back to the alumni night, the memory that sticks in my head isn’t being onstage, it is afterward when you kissed me. And then when you apologized I thought you saw me like those girls who throw themselves at you during our shows. But I never regretted that kiss. The only thing I regret is that I didn’t have the courage to take a chance on us.”
Ethan entwines his hand in mine. “Let’s walk.”
“Oh.” I’m surprised and a little disappointed that’s all he has to say to me.
“We need to stop having these conversations in front of people.” He gestures toward the group of people drinking coffee outside. “Plus, it would be nice to not have an audience when I kiss you again.”
The shortness of breath I have is no longer from running.
“So I’m going to need you to excuse me because it is going to be very hard for me to contain myself for the next three blocks.”
Ethan doesn’t say anything, but picks up his pace as we walk into his apartment building. We stand only inches apart in the elevator and I find myself utterly aware of his presence.
He stays silent until we get to his room. He turns around and studies me. I’ve seen that look one other time from him and it was before he kissed me.