“It was true Aiden, you must believe that. You have to also believe that though I am empty without him, I will do everything I can to come back to you and Abby. I love you; I don’t want either of you to experience anymore pain. I’m broken, but I will survive and I will continue to keep on living. Please believe me when I tell you that I do not have a death wish.”
Aiden’s eyes were filled with a sorrow that tore at me. There were tears in his eyes, tears I knew he would later shed for Cade and I. Tears that I was unable to shed for us. “I didn’t know Bethany.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry. I wish I could take this from you, I truly do. I’m your older brother, I should be protecting you. I should be the stronger one of the two of us, not you.”
I frowned at him, confused by his words. “But you are the stronger one Aiden.”
“You saw dad die, and you never cried. You saw Cade die, and you never cried.” I winced at his words, shying away from the awful memories they aroused. “You are the stronger one Bethany.”
I bit on my bottom lip as I shook my head. “No Aiden. That just makes me the colder one.”
The sadness in his eyes was almost more than I could bear. I embraced him tightly, knowing that I had to leave before I couldn’t. “I love you Bethy,” he said, cradling my head gently.
“I love you too Aiden. I’ll see you soon.”
“I know.”
CHAPTER 4
With just the four of us, we made pretty good time. If the terrain allowed, there were times we were able to jog for a couple of miles at a time before having to take a break. Lloyd would have been able to make even better time without us, but he never became irritated with our slower abilities. According to the GPS it was a little over twenty miles to the hospital. I wished that we could do it all in one day, but I knew eventually we would become tired, hungry, and more than likely come across some form of danger.
I still held out some small hope that we wouldn’t run into anything. The sooner this was over and done with, the happier I would be. Jenna was the first to tire. She had changed a lot from when the aliens had first attacked, but she had always been a girly girl and some habits were hard to break. Physical exercise was still not one of her favorite things, but she had been trying to adapt to our new world. That was the only reason I didn’t become annoyed when she asked for a break after only five miles.
She settled onto the ground, panting slightly as she wiped the sweat from her brow. I still didn’t understand why she had insisted on coming with us in the first place, but I wasn’t going to push her. There were things I preferred to keep secret also. Maybe she had simply wanted to escape the warehouse, and the people, for a bit. I had a feeling it had more to do with wanting to stay near Bret, but she surprisingly hadn’t pursued that relationship as aggressively as I’d thought she would after our break up. Though I suspected she had stayed away because Bret was mistakenly convinced that we would still get back together again one day.
Bret handed Jenna and I each a bottle of water and a power bar. The sun was moving over the horizon, it was getting closer to lunch. “I think we should rest for a couple of hours now. We’ll move again later on in the day,” Lloyd said softly.
“We can’t move as fast at night.”
“We can’t move as fast in the heat either,” Lloyd informed me.
I frowned but nodded my agreement. He was right, it was September but the day was unseasonably warm. The heat would drain our energy, and our water, far faster than any of us wanted. I settled down against a tree and closed my eyes. I hadn’t slept much last night, but I knew I wouldn’t sleep now. Sleep was a lost commodity to me, one that I had given up on a long time ago. I had actually gotten quite good at dealing with the depravation, though I would have welcomed at least a couple of minutes of rest. Anymore time than that and the dreams would start. Dreams that, while comforting at the time, left me lost and broken and aching for something I couldn’t ever have again when I awoke.
I listened to the sounds of the birds and squirrels moving through the trees, reassured and lulled by their presence. I had learned in the beginning that when the aliens were near, the animals became eerily quiet. Apparently they were even terrified, and scared off by the monsters lurking about. I listened to them jump and play, smiling softly as one squirrel yelled angrily at another before skittering down a tree.
It was all so peaceful at the moment, it was nearly perfect. If only…
And then Cade was sitting beside me, his midnight hair falling over his hard, handsome features. His stunning onyx eyes gleamed in the filtering light of the day. There was sadness in his gaze, but also a love so deep that I felt it to the very bottom of my soul. “Bethany,” he breathed. His strong, calloused hands ran gently over mine. His fingers played deliciously over my skin as he shifted closer. I could feel the heat of his lean, hard muscled body against mine. Shivers of delight and desire raced over me, I could hardly breathe past the need thumping through me. “My Bethany.”
Tears choked me. “Yes,” I agreed, unable to do anything else because it was so unbelievably true. I was his, I would always be his. “I’m dreaming again aren’t I?”
It had been awhile since he had haunted my dreams, awhile since I had dreamed even. I must have fallen asleep for far longer than I’d intended to. It was odd how very aware I was of these facts at this moment. This was a dream, he wasn’t real, it would all go away, but it was all so wonderfully perfect right now that I didn’t care.
“You are,” he confirmed.
“I miss you. So much.” My voice cracked on the words, his thumb gently wiped away the tear that slid free. “I’m broken without you.”
“You’re not broken Bethany, you’re just wounded. You’ve been here before, you will survive this too.”
“I know. I know I will. I just wish you were here. All the time I wish you were here.”
He leaned forward; his lips were soft against my cheeks as he kissed my tears away. Those lips, those wondrously marvelous and warm lips were everything that I remembered as my heart hammered in eager anticipation. I felt the brush of them in every fiber of my being as warmth spread out from the point of contact. The heat seeped through my body, warming all of my frozen cells. “I wish I was here too.”
A small sob escaped me, and then his lips were upon mine, desperate and fervent in his fierce need. My heart leapt and soared in my chest, everything within me screamed for so much more. I melted against him, clinging to him, never wanting to let go of his solid arms as my mind spun with happiness and desire. Even though I knew this wasn’t real, that it couldn’t last, I allowed myself to be swept up in the joy and wonder that filled me.
It may not be just an illusion, but it was so unbelievably right that the agony within me eased. I found I could actually breathe again as his tongue swept into my mouth. His hands found my cheeks, my hair, and my collarbone before stroking over my arms once more. He moved suddenly, lifting me and settling me into his lap. His hand entangled in my hair as he pulled my head back, his lips traveled over my throat for a brief moment.
“My Bethany,” he whispered again.
I was crying freely now, I couldn’t stop it as pleasure and sorrow encompassed me. “Yes,” I agreed over and over. “Forever,” I vowed.
He pulled slowly back; his midnight eyes were brilliant, sparkling in the bright light of day. I hated the grief in them, the loss. “You must hold onto your hope Bethany.”
“I can’t hope for you to return anymore, it’s too hard, it’s too much.” I could barely speak through the agony wrenching at my soul. “I’ll love you forever and always, but I have to let myself grieve for you now. I must.”
His fingers stroked lightly over my cheeks, his head tilted slightly to the side. He was magnificent in the light, heartbreakingly handsome, and he was mine. Even if he was gone forever, he would always be mine. “I did not say hope for me Bethany. You must grieve me, you must let me go one day, but you have to hold onto
your hope.”
“I have no hope anymore,” I breathed.
“Of course you do. You wouldn’t be here, and you wouldn’t be doing this, if you didn’t. You must cling to your hope, hold onto it, and use it to get you through these hard times.”
I frowned at him, not understanding what he meant, and then I got it. “I do have hope for mankind. I do have hope that we will survive.”
His grin was breathtaking, his eyes alight with delight. “I know you do, and as long as you hold onto that hope you will survive.”
I frowned; his words had broken my small bubble of bliss I’d discovered in this dream world. “Of course you know,” I whispered through the growing lump in my throat. “This is only a dream, you are only my subconscious. Of course you know that there is hope still within me, even if I hadn’t realized it until now.”
Sadness crept over him, his hands stroked through my honey colored hair as he spread it out before us. In the real world my hair wasn’t loose; it was tied back in a long braid and twisted into a bun in order to keep it from tangling to badly. It also wasn’t this clean as regular showers and bathes were a luxury that we didn’t always have anymore. I was glad that it was gleaming and shiny in this world though. I didn’t care if he was real or not, I still wanted to be clean and look as good as I possibly could for him, no matter what.
“Beautiful,” he whispered. “My beautiful Bethany.”
I closed my eyes. Even if I didn’t agree with his words, especially next to his masculine perfection, they were wonderful to hear. My nose was a little too pointy, my face still round, full, and babyish even though I’d lost weight. I was too skinny, awkward, and clumsy. There was no grace, no perfection about me, but in Cade’s eyes there was. Or at least there had been. I knew that with absolute certainty. Even with all of my imperfections he had found me beautiful, and he had loved me.
I opened my eyes, blinking away my tears as I tried to focus on his beloved face. “Magnificent Cade.”
That striking grin was back. It was even more beautiful for the rarity with which it had existed in real life. “If you say so.”
“I know so.”
His hand stilled in my hair, he bent to kiss me again. “It’s almost time for me to go, but you must remember what I said. You can do this Bethany; you can succeed where others wouldn’t. You’re so much stronger than even you realize. I know your soul, your heart, and though you’re wounded now, you will one day bring the pieces back together.”
“The biggest piece will always be missing.” He studied me for a long moment. Though this was my dream, his anguish and longing seemed almost real. Almost palpable. Once again I was struck by the strange reality of this dream. His need for me, his hurt for me and everything we’d had and everything we’d lost, was there. I could feel it. His torment beat against me so fiercely that I felt I had to say something to try and ease it. “But I can put the rest of the puzzle together,” I tried to assure him.
He smiled wanly at me as he began to stroke my face again. “I love you Bethany.”
I buried myself against him, clinging to him as I pressed my face into his neck and cried freely. I had never said those words to him in life, it was something that I would always regret, but I said them now, and I said them repeatedly, and fervently. I hoped that somehow he would be able to hear them, that somewhere a piece of him still existed and could feel the genuine outpouring of my love for him.
He held me tight to him, rocking me gently as he kissed my neck and cheeks. “I must go.”
“Not yet,” I breathed. “Please just one minute more.”
But it was too late; I could already feel him slipping away from me. Already feel him drifting toward a place where I would never see him again. I was acutely aware of the fact that he would not be returning. Another sob wrenched from me, I struggled to retain my hold on him, but he was already gone beyond my reach. Forever.
***
“Bethany, come on Bethany, wake up.”
I struggled to break free from the realm of sleep clinging tightly to me. I didn’t want to wake up, I knew what awaited me there, but it was impossible to fight the inevitable. I opened my eyes to find Jenna kneeling before me; her bright green eyes shimmered with worry. I turned away from the sorrowful look in her eyes, unable to stand the pity there as I angrily wiped the tears from my face. I was ashamed that she had seen me cry, ashamed that she had seen me so vulnerable and weak.
“Are you ok?” she asked softly.
I glanced quickly around but I didn’t see Bret or Lloyd. “Where are they?”
Jenna glanced over her shoulder. “They went to scout ahead.” That was a relief; at least they hadn’t seen me crying like a baby over a dream. “Bret wanted to give you a chance to sleep a little more. Bethany…”
“I’m fine.” I realized that was the first time I had said it and felt as if it might actually be true, or at least not a complete bold faced lie. Cade had been killed, I still lived, and there still was, and always would be, hope. I sat up straighter against the tree.
Jenna rested her hand on my shoulder, stopping me before I could rise. I frowned at her, unable to understand the sympathy in her eyes. Jenna had always disliked me, we had never run in the same circles, and her disdain of everything that I was had always been obvious. As had her desire for Bret. We’d started to get along a little better over the past few weeks, I would grieve for her if something were to happen, but I wouldn’t exactly consider us friends.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” I inquired wearily.
Jenna sighed as she sat slowly beside me. She dropped her chin to her knees for a brief moment before turning to me. “I was mean to you in high school,” she admitted. “I know that, but it was all so petty, and silly. And high school.” She snorted softly as she shook her head and dropped her arm over her knees. “It seems so long ago, so pointless, and stupid.”
“It does,” I agreed.
“God I was so foolish.” She sat silently for a long moment, her strawberry colored hair blowing lightly in the breeze. She tucked it loosely behind her ear. She was far more delicate than I, with pretty features, and a petite frame. She’d been perfect in high school, the golden girl with her manicured nails, styled hair, and high priced clothes. It was not the same girl sitting beside me now, though I noticed her nails were a pretty pink color. I smiled over the simple, small gesture to retain something from her old life. I knew how she felt; I was clinging to as much as I could too, but everyday it seemed as if there was less and less to hold onto. “It was so easy back then though,” she breathed.
I thought back to those days, the ones where my mom was still alive, and I was dating Bret. The aliens had loomed over us my entire junior year, but after the first few months a false sense of security had settled over us. Even while the aliens had been stripping us of our rights, and our freedoms. We had all been so foolish, so silly to even remotely think they meant well, but hindsight was twenty twenty after all. And there was no changing the past, but we could still change the future.
“I’m sorry for the way I was back then.”
My gaze slid slowly toward her, I struggled to keep my disbelief hidden. “It’s ok.”
“No, I was mean to you and I am sorry for that. It was just that…”
“You like Bret.”
Her lips quirked as she smiled softly. “Yeah, I do.”
“And you were used to getting what you wanted.”
She chuckled softly. “I certainly wasn’t used to losing a guy to someone like you. No offense.”
I grinned at her as I brushed back a lose strand of hair. “None taking, I never understood it either. We’re not together anymore, why haven’t you gone after him?”
She shrugged indifferently, but sadness crept over her. “Cause he still loves you.”
“But…”
“It’s ok. I think he’ll come around one day, or I’ll move on. If we can ever find some cute survivors somewhere,” she added nonchalantly.
/>
“Jenna…”
“Right now we all need each other. I understand that. When all of this first happened, I didn’t get that. I kept waiting to wake up, kept waiting for the punch line, kept waiting for it all not to be real. But there is no punch line, and all we have is each other. Trying to get Bret to notice me is no longer a priority.”
I stared at her for a long moment, startled by how much she had grown up in these past few weeks. How much she had changed. But then, she had lost both of her parents in the attack. She didn’t say it, but I knew that she retained some hope they were still alive. Not that I blamed her. She hadn’t seen either of them die, didn’t even know if they had been frozen, and if Bishop’s blood type theory was correct then at least one of her parents, perhaps both, had escaped The Freezing. There was still a chance they might be alive.
“If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that we don’t know how much time we have left. It could end today for all we know. Getting Bret to notice you may not be a priority, but I would at least tell him how you feel. I love Bret, he’s a great friend, but he can be a bit obtuse about some things.”
“You mean like his firm belief that you will eventually get over Cade.”
I tried to cover up my involuntary flinch over Cade’s name, but I knew she had seen it. “Yes, like that.”
Jenna heaved a long sigh, forced a small smile, and climbed slowly to her feet. “You’re right about not knowing how much time is left, but Bret needs time to come to terms with losing you. I also need time. We’ve lost a lot, this isn’t our world anymore.”