Page 47
Author: Molly McAdams
People came by the house for a couple hours after the funeral, continuing with their condolences, bringing meals and telling stories of Chase. Once everyone left, Dad, Mom, Konrad, Bree and I held each other, said I love yous over and over, and cried. Everyone split to take naps sometime later, Konrad with Bree, Dad with Mom, and me with my gummy bear. I was aware of the time passing, the room changing from light to dark, Mom bringing food and sitting there until I finished it all, and Bree coming in every few hours to lay next to me and cry. Other than necessities in the restroom, I didn't leave the bed for quite some time. I couldn't find a reason to, I just wanted to be surrounded by his things.
Brandon sat down on the bed, I don't know when it was, I just registered there was light coming through the windows.
“Hey sweetheart. ” He whispered and let his fingertips trail along my back.
I tried to ask why he was there, but I hadn't used my voice in who knows how long, and it was so hoarse and low I was surprised anything came out at all.
“You need to get out of bed Harper. You're going to take a shower, we're going to get you out in the sun, and you're going to try to resume your life. ”
Shaking my head, I roughly whispered, “I can't. ”
“You need to. Chase wouldn't want this, and you need to take care of your baby. ” I opened my mouth and I swear it's like he read my mind, “Eating and taking your vitamins isn't enough. The funeral was five days ago Harper, you need to get out of this house. ”
“Why are you here? And why aren't you in Arizona?”
“Bree called me. They're all worried about you Harper. This family is hurting, but they're trying to cope and move on. You need to too. ”
“I don't know how,” I sobbed, “this is all my fault. ”
“No it's not, this isn't anyone's fault. ” Brandon pulled me onto his lap and cradled me to his chest.
“I should have told him I loved him. I shouldn't have let him leave. I should have trusted him. He died thinking I hated him!” I soaked his shirt in my tears as I continued to tell him everything I wish I could have changed from that day.
Brandon sat there silently rocking me back and forth until my sobs quieted and my tears ran dry. A few minutes later he climbed off the bed, with me still in his arms and walked me to the bathroom. He set me on the counter and turned the shower on, testing the water after a few minutes. Bree must have been waiting for this because she walked in moments after the water had started running. Brandon pulled me off the counter and kept his hands around my shoulders until I was steady. When he was convinced, he kissed my temple and walked out, saying he'd be waiting downstairs.
Bree helped me undress and shower, I couldn't even find it in me to be embarrassed by her having to care for me like I was a toddler. Actually, I think a toddler would have been easier. I just stood there not moving or helping at all. I had to admit though, I felt more alive after pouring out my thoughts to Brandon and the shower, than I had since I saw Chase get pulled from his truck. We dried my hair, Breanna put make-up on my face and picked out an outfit for me to wear. I would have been perfectly happy with wet hair, sweats and a bare face, but according to her, unless I began taking care of myself I wouldn't start healing. What those two things have to do with each other? I have no idea. But she just lost her brother, and she seemed to be doing much better than I was, so I didn't complain or ask questions.
I heard sighs of relief when I walked down the stairs and immediately went into Mom's arms, then Chase's grandmother's. Claire's mom had decided to stay with us for a while, I just hadn't realized she was still here. I apologized for hiding from them and promised to start living and taking care of myself. Once again, I’d failed to think of everyone else, I had only been concerned with my own hurt. We all sat around the kitchen table talking while Mom kept shoving pieces of fruit my way. I really wasn't hungry, but I knew she was worried so I kept eating everything that was set in front of me. Konrad walked in an hour later and after a lingering kiss to Bree, he hugged the rest of us and patted my stomach. I'd forgotten he was living here now too. After the accident, he'd decided not to go back to Oregon. From his wet hair, I'm guessing he'd just gotten back from working out and showering.
“You guys ready to go?” He asked, pulling Bree up from the chair.
“We're going somewhere?” I tried not to frown, they were all right, I needed to get out.
“Just having a day out, you girls need it. ”
Bree and I looked at each other and started walking for the door. Mom and Nana had their own day out planned and gave us strict instructions not to come back until the earliest, ten. Thirteen hours away from the house, and away from Chase's things. I had to take a few deep breaths before continuing out the door. Brandon sat in the back with me, but stayed against the door on his side and I was glad for it. I appreciated how he'd been there for me since last Saturday morning, but I was afraid with how much I'd fallen into his arms during my emotional break downs, he would think I wanted him physically closer to me all the time.
Other than the music that was turned down low, the car ride to the beach was completely silent. We trudged towards the shore, Bree and I continued walking until we were a few feet from the tide while Konrad and Brandon set down the blanket and stood waiting for when we came back.
“I'm sorry I checked out Bree, I haven't even asked how you're doing since the funeral. ”
“I'm dealing,” she sniffed and wiped at her cheeks, “you?”
I thought about that for a few minutes, “I'm really not sure. I thought I preferred being numb, but I can't live that way forever. Even after this short time since you and Brandon rescued me, I can see how bad it would be for me to continue on like that. ”
“Chase wouldn't want us to be like this. ” she grabbed my hand and echoed Brandon's words from earlier, “It's going to hurt for a long time, probably forever, but you know he'd kick our asses if all we did was sulk. ”
I cried out a small laugh and squeezed her hand tighter.
“We need to try to move on Harper, for him. ”
“Then that's what we'll do. ” I sighed.
Konrad took Bree for a walk when we joined back up, and I settled onto the blanket with Brandon.
“Brandon?”
“Hmm?”
“Don't take this the wrong way, but why are you here?”
His face fell slightly, “Do you want me to leave?”
“No. No, of course not. But you should be in Arizona, you should be dating again. Not here comforting the girl that broke your heart. ”
“I told you last weekend –”
“I know what you said, but I can't be anything more than your friend Brandon. You should be out finding someone that will make you happy. ”
“Harper. ” He sighed and lay back on the blanket, one arm behind his head, the other draped across his stomach where his shirt had ridden up.
“You have no idea how much I appreciate you being here, but I can't do this to you. ”
“If you don't want me around, then I'll leave Harper. But not because you think you're holding me back from something. ”
“What about Arizona? What about your mom and Jeremy? You need to go home. ”
He glanced over at me, then back to the sky, “I was going to tell you that morning in the kitchen, before the day went to hell. They moved out here to be closer to my Dad's side of the family. ”
“So they're here in San Diego?”
“Carlsbad. Mom bought a house and shipped everything here over the last month, once Jeremy's school year ended, they moved. ”
“Oh. ”
“Look Harper, if all you want from me is a friend, then that's what I'll be. But you need me, I'm not going anywhere. ”
I leaned back on my elbows and closed my eyes, letting the rays soak into my skin, “I need you to live your own life. ” I whispered.
&n
bsp; “I am. ” he rolled over and got on his knees, leaning over me. “This is where I want to be, I need you too. ”
He softly kissed his way from my forehead, to my temple, to my cheek and finally my neck before his whole body went rigid and he sucked in an audible breath. Getting up, he shrugged out of his shirt and started toward the ocean. I tried not to look at him, but my eyes betrayed me. While he walked towards the water I admired the muscles that stretched across his strong shoulders and arms. He was far enough away now that I couldn't be sure, but I thought I saw some more tattoos, and frowned when I saw a large bruise on his waist spreading to his back. Not that I had a right to know anything about his life anymore, but I hadn't known he started again. I'd never asked him to stop fighting when we were together, but I think my freak out after the fight that had landed him in the hospital had pushed him to quit. After walking out a ways into the water, he dove under some waves and tread for a few minutes before coming back to shore and the blanket.
“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. ”
I knew what he was apologizing for, though I didn't want him to. I couldn't handle him pressing his lips to me again either, but I hadn't responded to the kisses, and he knew we could only be friends. “For cooling off? You should be, it's hot out today and I don't have a suit. ” I turned to look at him, his face was guarded, but his eyes were thankful.
“We can go stand in it, if you want?”
Bree and Konrad were still nowhere in sight, and it was actually really warm today. “Okay. ” I stood up and headed out, thankful Bree had picked out shorts for me today, that way I could go in a little further without soaking my clothes. “Oh my God, it's freezing!” I screeched and back away. “I change my mind, it's not that hot out. ”
Brandon grabbed my hand before I could make it far and slowly pulled me back into the water. I squealed again when it hit my ankle but bit the inside of my cheek and kept going.