She watched the bands of frothy white appear far out in the water, then vanish. “I don’t know, Austin,” Summer whispered. “I don’t know anything anymore. I thought I’d made the right decision about Seth.”
“Well, as you may recall, I offered a dissenting opinion on that one.”
“If I could have been so wrong about him, how can I know anything?”
Austin took her hands in his. “Do you remember what I told you when you were trying to decide about whether to reapply to Carlson?”
Summer watched his fingers tangle in her own, trying to stay neutral, trying not to feel the feelings tangle up inside her in response to his touch. “Something along the lines of, ‘Don’t crap out on it just because you’re afraid of failing.’”
“I’m sure it was much more eloquently phrased. Anyway, you see my point?”
Summer shook her head. “I need to go, Austin,” she said, trying to pull away.
“My point is, I’m just another Carlson. You did the noble thing. You stuck with old Seth, who turned out not to be Old Faithful. But that was just a diversionary tactic to keep you from dealing with your feelings for me. So I’m giving you one last chance to claim your prize. It’s the choice of a lifetime, Summer. Don’t blow it again.”
Summer smiled. “The choice of a lifetime, huh?”
“And don’t smile all-knowingly like that. You know it’s true. Besides, I find it incredibly sexy.”
Without warning, Austin bent down and kissed her. The scorching sun and the heat of his body, pressed close to hers, made it seem like much more than a kiss, made it seem almost dangerous.
When he pulled away, a troubled expression had replaced Austin’s confidence. “This is harder for me than you know, Summer,” he whispered. “I’m not sure it’s fair for me to try again like this. There are things about me…I don’t know. I’m just saying I’m maybe not the best choice for you. I’m saying maybe I’m being selfish here. Hell, I know I’m being selfish—” His voice caught.
“I don’t understand. What do you mean?”
“Nothing.” He gave a helpless shrug. “Except, of course, what you already know. That I love you.”
She watched him walk away without another word. Even when he’d vanished from her sight, she could still feel his fingers wrapped in hers, and she could still taste his kiss.
Austin walked home the long way, taking his time to skirt one of the less crowded beaches. He took off his shoes and let the waves cool his feet. The sun melted into his shoulders, and turned the waves to dazzling prisms. “The always wind-obeying deep,” Austin mumbled. That’s what Shakespeare had called it.
Austin smiled in spite of himself. Here he was strolling down a Florida beach—a lost, lovesick, poorly-groomed poet muttering Shakespeare at the waves. What would his brother say?
He hadn’t talked to his brother in a while. The messages kept accumulating on Austin’s machine. I know what you’re going through. It gets easier with time. Don’t give up hope, man. Variations on the theme of coping.
Not that Dave was coping all that well. But then, the knowledge that you were going to die early, in exactly the same slow, awful way your father was dying, was bound to wear you down. Dave’s fiancée had dumped him, he’d contemplated suicide, he was drinking heavily.
Not that Austin was doing much better.
He was hardly one to preach to Summer about how to make hard choices. What the hell did he know about choices? All he knew was that the idea of being without Summer so filled him with fear that he couldn’t let her go. He’d humiliated himself again and again, returning to her life, making his case like an overeager lawyer filing endless appeals.
Even though he knew the kindest thing, the right thing, was to let her go. She didn’t deserve to watch him get sick and die. She didn’t deserve any of it.
Of course, that assumed a long and happy relationship together first. But he did assume that, like he assumed the sun would rise tomorrow and the ocean would still be blue and Baywatch would still be on the air. He loved her that completely.
It could be years, decades, before he had any symptoms. There was research going on, things were always changing. Austin had told his brother that after Dave had gotten the news. Dave had told Austin the same thing when Austin had forced himself to find out the truth about his own future.
Austin paused to toss a shell far out into the ocean. He watched it get sucked deep into the sea without a sound. The wind-obeying deep.
He liked that. Wind obeying. If the sea couldn’t fight the wind, how could he? Whatever Summer decided, that would be it. He’d said it before, but this time he felt it. No more pleading, no more humiliating pitches like a desperate ad man. He would blow with the wind, let things fall where they might.
There was no point in fighting fate. It was up to karma. The great cosmic game plan. It was up to secrets coded deep in his cells. It was up to the wind.
It was up to Summer.
11
Not Good Enough
Diana slapped the Cheerios box to the floor with a satisfying whap. “Gotcha,” she muttered.
The door to the apartment opened. “Anybody call?” Marquez asked hopefully as she tossed her waitress apron onto the couch.
“Nope. Sorry. No word on Diver?”
“Nothing.” Marquez dropped into a chair. “And not that you and I are speaking anymore, but why are you crawling around on the floor with a box of cereal?”
“Not that you and I are speaking anymore, but I’ve spent all afternoon in search of the elusive Moby-Roach. This building is such a dump. He kept me awake all night, scrabbling around on the floor.”
“Sure it wasn’t your conscience keeping you awake?”
Diana ignored the question. “He’s trapped inside this box. Now I just need to get rid of him.”
“Finally. A guy who’s your type. You should have shopped other species a long time ago. If it doesn’t work out with Moby, you might try a cobra. Or a rat. Maybe a weasel.”
Diana stared wearily at the Cheerios box. She knew Marquez was spoiling for a fight, but she just wasn’t up for it.
Seth had stopped by this morning to pick up a duffel bag he’d left behind. He’d spent last night at his grandfather’s, he’d informed her. No, he was not going back to California anytime soon. No, he did not want to talk to Diana about Summer, or about anything else, for that matter.
Marquez tried again. “It took you a while, Diana, but I knew you’d realize Seth was out of your league.”
“This isn’t going to work, is it?” Diana asked softly. “Just the two of us here in this apartment, I mean. Without Summer here, it’s like there’s no buffer zone to keep us from killing each other.”
“I’m up for it. Swords or pistols?”
“Maybe I should move. I could go back to my mom’s.”
Marquez fell silent. The sound of laughter coming from the pool area in the backyard drifted through the window. “I gotta go look for Diver with Summer,” she said, jumping to her feet.
Diana felt her will to stay cool in front of Marquez slipping. She bit down on her lower lip until it stung. “Look, could we at least just stop the fighting? I’m not up for it right now.”
“You should have thought of that before you ruined Summer’s life.”
Marquez disappeared into her bedroom. She emerged a few minutes later, wearing what Diana had come to think of as Marquez’s uniform—baggy T-shirt, baggy jeans.
In the old days Diana had gotten great pleasure needling Marquez about her tacky, too bright, I’m extremely available clothes. No more.
Marquez grabbed her car keys and her purse. “If Diver calls, tell him…I don’t know, just tell him to come home.”
She was almost out the door when Diana asked, “How was the counseling?”
Marquez paused, hand on the doorknob. “Fine, great. I’m a new woman.”
“You didn’t go, did you?”
“Actually, I did.”
?
??I saw a counselor for a while, did I ever tell you that? After all the stuff with Ross, with him trying to rape me….”
Diana could feel Marquez’s eyes on her. But she just plunged ahead, stringing one word after another, touching each one like beads on a rosary.
“I went to this counselor, Lori, this one who worked at the Dolphin Institute. She was already kind of a friend—I mean, I knew her, so it should have been easy. But I went to her office three times and sat in my car and cranked up the CD player. I just sat there. I couldn’t go in.”
“Diana, I need to go.”
“It was like I was afraid if I started talking about the feelings, I’d just dissolve in them. Like, you know”—she smiled—“like the Wicked Witch of the West. Which you probably would agree is not a bad analogy.”
“Diana.” Marquez was less angry than mystified now. “Why are you telling me this?”
“You have to try to get help, Marquez. Because if you don’t, it just kills you. You die a little bit at a time.”
“I’m outta here.” Marquez yanked open the door.
“I got to this point, this really low point, where I was sure I was going to kill myself. But then I thought about all the things Lori had taught me. You know, how strong I really was, how things would get better.” She smiled a little. “And it turned out she was right. I got through it. And so can you.”
“Damn it, Diana!” Marquez cried. She slammed the door shut. “Damn it, Diana,” she said more softly. “I don’t need this right now.”
Diana sighed. “I know where it’s coming from, the dieting and stuff.”
“How could you know? You’ve never had an excess ounce on your bod.”
“It’s not just about that,” Diana said. “It’s something else—it’s like you have to clamp down and take control of your life. It’s like there’s just too much…stuff in your head, and you have to find a way to shut it out.”
Marquez said nothing. But she was nodding slightly, looking away. “How could you know?” she said at last.
“There’s this feeling. This feeling that you get that you’re not…” She met Marquez’s eyes. “Not good enough.”
Marquez cocked her head. “What is with you? You’re not, you know, cracking up, are you? I mean, this is not the most likely time to suddenly be baring your soul to me.”
Diana shrugged. “You’re right. Go ahead, go. I’m sorry. I’m sort of bummed out, and you were the nearest thing to a human being I had around.”
Seconds passed. Neither girl spoke. “I gotta find Diver,” Marquez said at last.
“I know.”
“You’re okay, right? I mean, not that I care, but I don’t want to come home and have to call the paramedics.”
“Like Summer did with you?”
“I wasn’t trying to kill myself, Diana. I was trying to improve the shape of my thighs. There’s a slight but significant difference.” Marquez opened the door. “Want me to dump the roach?”
“I’ll do it. I don’t have much else planned.”
“Bye, then,” Marquez said, but she still wasn’t moving. She stared at Diana with a clouded, annoyed expression.
“You know the thing I always thought was really great about you, Marquez?” Diana said.
“My voluptuous figure.”
“The way you actually believed you were the coolest person on earth.”
“Yeah, well, it was an act, okay? Is that what you want to hear?”
“But we’re all acting, one way or another. And if you practice the act long enough, you start believing it.”
“Maybe.”
“You need to start believing in yourself again, Marquez. Trust yourself that it’s all going to be okay.”
“The person I love most in the world just ran out on me. Forgive me if I’m not feeling all that much like the coolest person on the planet.”
“This isn’t about Diver.” Diana sighed. “This is about sitting in your car, afraid to go inside. Try the counseling. Please try it.”
“You know, I’m not the one who just destroyed her cousin’s life. Maybe you should take your own advice.”
The door slammed shut. After a while Diana took the Cheerios box down to the backyard. She watched the ugly, fat bug vanish into the grass. It was not particularly satisfying.
Still, she realized with resignation, it was the closest she’d come in recent memory to helping anyone.
12
In Search of Diver and Other Babes
“I feel like we’ve searched every beach in the Keys.” Summer sighed as she and Marquez trudged back to Marquez’s old car. The air was rich with the smell of coconut oil and the salty tang of the ocean. It was afternoon, and so hot that most of the beaches were nearly deserted, which had made the search for Diver quicker than it might otherwise have been.
Summer eased onto the torn front seat, gingerly lowering her bare legs onto the superheated vinyl. “You sure you don’t want me to drive?”
“Nah,” Marquez said. “The only way I can take out my frustrations is with the gas pedal. By the way, have I mentioned this is really nice of you, dragging around with me like this? You sure it’s okay with your job?”
“Jared was great about it. Although he did mention that my life reminded him of a soap opera.”
“Guess it’s better than telling you it reminds him of CNN.”
“Or ER,” Summer said. “So. We’ve done Turtle Beach, Smuggler’s Beach, Las Palmas Cove, and most of Coral Island. What next?”
“Much farther and we’ll end up in Key West.” Marquez tapped out a nervous beat on the steering wheel. “Maybe it’s time to call it quits. For today, anyway. Who knows, maybe he called.”
“He might even be home by now,” Summer suggested, trying her best to sound like she believed it.
Marquez looked at her hopefully. Her big dark eyes had shiny circles under them. She’d lost so much weight that her cheekbones and chin had taken on a strange sharpness. She didn’t look like Marquez anymore, but more like one of those caricature sketches they did on the boardwalk in Crab Claw.
“Want to get something to eat?” Summer suggested.
“I’m not hungry.” Marquez jammed the key in the ignition. “I ate before.”
“Tell me some more about the counseling.”
“I told you. It was okay, no biggie. Not like in TV movies. Pretty mellow.”
“And you liked the counselor?”
“Yeah. She was okay, I guess. For a shrink.”
“So you’re going back for sure, right?”
Marquez gave her a back off look. Summer held up her hands. “Okay, okay. I’m being nosy. It’s just that you’re my best friend, Marquez. I want you to be okay.”
“I’ll be okay when I find Diver.”
“I know. But in the meantime you have to take care of yourself.”
Marquez closed her eyes. “God, Summer, why is he doing this? I thought…I thought he loved me.”
“Diver loves you completely, Marquez. You know that.”
“Uh-huh. You didn’t see the way he was looking at Caroline at the beach party.”
Summer recalled what Austin had told her about his encounter with Caroline that morning. “Whatever this is about,” she said firmly, “it has nothing to do with how much he loves you.”
“But why, then?”
“I don’t know.” Summer tried to keep her fury at her irresponsible, selfish brother out of her voice. There was no point in getting Marquez more worked up. “I guess we have to remember Diver’s had a really messed-up life. He’s so laid-back and calm, sometimes we forget all those problems have probably taken a toll on him.”
“Yeah, well, now he’s taking a toll on me.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
Marquez clutched the wheel so tightly, her knuckles were white. “I thought I knew him. I thought I understood him. You know what I mean?”
“I do know. Too well.”
“You’re thinking about Seth.”
Summer smiled grimly. “Trying not to, actually.” She nudged Marquez. “Come on. Let’s hit the road, crank this baby up to fifty.”
“It starts shaking uncontrollably at forty-five.”
Marquez pulled onto the two-lane road that skirted the beach. Summer watched two Jet Skis fly across the calm water. “Remember when we took the Olans’ Jet Skis out for a spin and they ran out of gas and we thought we were going to drown?”
“It was your idea,” Marquez said.
“Whoa. Reality check. That was so totally your idea!”
They fell silent, the hot wind whipping their hair into tornadoes. “Sometimes,” Summer said at last, “I feel a lot older than I was last year. Not just a year. More like, I don’t know, five years or ten.”
“Five years,” Marquez considered. “That would make you a college graduate. An official adult.”
“Well, just older in some ways. It’s like everything got complicated. It went from black and white to shades of gray. Last summer I was worried about not ever having a boyfriend. Now I’ve had two loves and lost both of them. Last summer I had a brother who’d disappeared before I was even born. Now I have a brother who—”
“Who’s disappeared all over again,” Marquez finished for her.
Summer squinted at a sign up the road. “Hey, would you mind taking a little detour? Could we run by Carlson for a second?”
Marquez put on the blinker. “When do you think you’ll hear from them?”
Summer shrugged. “I have no idea. I reapplied so late. They’ll probably reject me for being so indecisive.”
“It’d be so cool if you went. I’ll be right down the road at FCU. You could move back into the apartment, maybe, and then—”
“Not with Diana,” Summer said darkly.
Marquez glanced at her. “I understand why you had to move out, but do you have any idea what it’s like for me living with her without you? It’s like having a pet scorpion in the apartment. I can’t ever let my guard down.”
“Maybe this fall, when the lease is up, we could get something….” Summer let her voice trail off. “There’s no point in planning on it. Carlson’s a long shot.”