“I don’t want to talk. You’re just crazy.” He turns away from me.
I yank the pillow off, turn him over. “Now, you listen here. You listen to me. Don’t you dare talk to me like that. I am your mother. And I am not crazy. I am … Things are changing, that’s all, Travis. They are changing because they have to. And don’t you slam doors at three in the morning, either! Some people are trying to sleep.”
He watches me through narrowed eyes, says nothing.
Finally, I say, “Well, what, Travis? What’s the big deal? So she snores.”
“She woke me up! I have to go to school tomorrow! I have to get a good night’s sleep!”
I refrain from commenting on this new interest in academic responsibilities, say instead, “Tomorrow’s Sunday, Travis.”
“Well, fine, but she probably snores every night.”
“I suppose she might. But you’ll get used to it. You really will. You’d be surprised what you can get used to. After a few nights, you won’t even notice it.”
“Who wants to get used to it? Who wants an old lady living here, anyway? She’s not even my grandma.”
“No, she’s not.”
“So why is she here?”
“I told you. Dad left. If we want to keep living here, we need a roommate to help pay for the mortgage. Remember, I told you that?”
Nothing.
“Travis?”
“Yes, I remember.” His voice is quiet now, resigned. I hate that he knows what a mortgage is.
“What if she dies here or something?” he asks.
“Pardon?”
“What if she dies here?”
“Well, Travis, I’m sure that’s not going to happen.” My God. What if it does? I see myself on the phone, abstractly weeping, saying, “I don’t know her medical history. She just moved in. But I think she’s dead.”
9
A little over a week later, on Monday morning, I sit alone at the kitchen table. Lydia got up early, had tea and toast with blackberry jam, and then went out with Thomas. She was going to accompany him to a doctor’s appointment, and then they were going to an afternoon concert at Symphony Hall. Travis ate his Cheerios sullenly, then left for school without saying good-bye. Now I sit with a fourth cup of coffee, feeling my heart beat too fast and not caring. Maybe this is a good way to kill yourself: an exuberant overdose of caffeine, I’m dying, I’m dying, I’m dying!! could be my last thought. Had to go!! Too painful!!
Oh, what I want to do is hand my life over to someone else. That’s all. And they could rearrange everything into something that would make sense. There, they could say; now, was that so hard? Well, for me, yes. It is too hard for me. I am no good at my own life.
I close my eyes, lean my head back, and begin to sob from a place deep in my stomach. I can’t be alone. I don’t want to be alone. I miss David so much, yes I do, I miss the presence of another person in my bed at night, even if he doesn’t touch me; the reliability of someone else being there in the morning, even if they only shave and stare straight ahead into the mirror while you lean against the bathroom doorjamb with your cup of coffee, chatting hopefully. And I miss my son; I miss the way that he was before, when he trusted me, when he thought I could take care of him.
And then suddenly I stop crying, push wet strands of hair back from my face. What is the point in this?
First, I will go on a diet. This grief has put five pounds on me so far. I have to be careful. There are some women for whom sorrow attracts fat, and I am one of them. I will go on a diet and then I will take some adult education courses. Oh, but then I’ll have to find some. And I’ll have to go and register somewhere, fill in tiresome blank after blank, put an X in the “Ms.” box. I’ve always put an X in the “Ms.” box, but now it’s pathetic. And I’ll have to get dressed. I’m not dressed now; I don’t get dressed right away anymore, Martha Stewart doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
I stare wearily at the kitchen table, at the swatch of sunlight that lies over the basket of paper napkins. The pattern on the napkins is illuminated; white-on-white roses. I never saw those roses before. I have lived my life blind.
I need to talk to someone. I go to the phone to call Rita, then stop. It’s too early. Who, then? Louise and I have never been close. I haven’t made any other real friends. There is no one. I have spent most of my life focusing on David, and he is gone. Nothing has rushed in to fill this void; there are no natural laws to make for an instant adjustment; humans are stupider than nature. I just have to go through this, that’s all. By myself. It is all up to me, things are too much up to me and I don’t like it. It is not exhilarating. It is not an opportunity to “grow.” It is hard work; scary, lonely stuff; and I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I want my old life back.
I go to the phone, quickly dial David’s office number. When his secretary puts me through, I realize I have no idea what to say.
“… Sam?”
“How are you?” I was just going to call you! Sam, I’ve made a terrible mistake.
“I’m fine.” His voice is wary. Wary! But we were married, we were married, for nearly twenty years!
I lean against the wall. “David.” I squeeze the phone cord.
He waits.
“How come you did this?” I ask, finally.
“Sam—”
“I really feel terrible. And I don’t know who to tell. I don’t have anyone to tell who can understand what you … You were my friend. But you’re not my friend. I don’t understand how this happened, David. I don’t get it, really; I literally don’t. I mean, you didn’t give me a chance. You never really told me what was wrong.” Crying. Again.
“Where are you?” His voice is low. Impatient.
“I … In Paris, David. Where do you think I am? I’m home. Goddamnit, I hate you.”
“Look, I’ll come over after work. We’ll talk.”
“No!… Fine.”
“I’ll be there about seven.”
I hang up, embarrassed for myself in front of myself. Oh, what do I want back? What? The bored tolerance of a man who finds not one thing about me charming?
The doorbell sounds, and I wipe my face, go to look out the peephole. It is King, the man who helped Lydia move in, holding the leashes of three dogs. No, four. Between the legs of the German shepherd is the ridiculous face of a Chihuahua, barking wildly at nothing. There are twin cocker spaniels on braided leashes, sitting patiently as bookends and looking up as though they are the ones that rang the bell.
I open the door and the dogs all rush forward. King pulls them back, smiles expectantly at me. “Hi. Want to go for a walk?”
“Well, I’m kind of … not dressed. I’m …” I see the same accepting kindness in his pleasant face that I saw before. “I’ve been crying,” I say, laughing.
“Yes, I see that. Come for a walk with me. You won’t cry anymore. Come on, go get your leash.”
I start to say that I can’t. But why can’t I? I ask him to wait a moment, and go upstairs to dress. I select a blue sweater that is a flattering color for me.
When I walk down the steps with King, he offers me his arm, and I take it. Such a lovely thing. When did people stop doing it?
“Where are we going?” I ask. It’s a perfect November day—just cold enough for a coat, the sun bright.
“Anywhere.” He stops, holds out the tangle of leashes to me. “Dog?”
I smile, select the pink rhinestoned leash of the Chihuahua, whose hysteria has been silenced by the prospect of something interesting happening.
“Dad’s coming for dinner tonight,” I tell Travis. He is at the kitchen table, listlessly eating a snack of peanut-butter toast. He looks up at me, searching for a way to react.
“Okay?” I say.
“What for?”
“What do you mean, ‘what for?’ To eat.”
He shrugs, pushes his plate away. “I’m done.”
“What do you think we should have for dessert?” He’ll help me, Trav
is loves to help make dessert.
“I don’t care. What, is he moving back here?”
“Well.” I put his plate in the sink, run water on it. “No. He’s not moving back. He’s just coming for dinner.”
Travis nods, picks up his book bag, and starts out of the room.
“Where are you going?”
“Homework.”
“Travis?”
He turns, annoyed.
“I think you should—you know, remember that this was not my idea. I mean Dad moving out and everything. None of it was my idea.”
“I know.”
“Well, you act.… I don’t know why you’re so mad at me.” But even as I say it, I realize I do know. He’s mad at me for the same reason I’m mad at myself. Because although this was not my idea, it is my fault.
“I have to go do my homework.”
“Fine.”
I open the refrigerator, pull out the steak. I’m making beef Stroganoff, David’s favorite. God, that’s good! he said, last time I made it. You can cook, honey; that you can do. I slice the meat thinly, look out the window at the tree branches swaying in the wind. It’s supposed to storm tonight. A power outage, and David stays to take care of us, how could he leave?
I rinse off the mushrooms, recall King pointing out a leaf on one of the trees we passed. “Maple,” he said. “Their leaves look too big for the tree, don’t you think? Like kittens’ paws.”
I’d asked him the names of the other trees we passed. He knew them all, tried to show me how to identify a tree by looking at the bark, the leaves, the structure of the branches. I learned Dutch elms, oaks. Birches, of course. Black locust, whose blossoms he told me smelled like grape lollipops. “Cardinal,” he said, about a sound we heard coming from the tops of one of the trees, “hear how it’s like a whistle?” I asked if he could see the bird and he handed me the dogs’ leashes and used his big hands to make a frame, and then I saw him, too. I learned blue jay (creaky gate) and catbird. “It does sound like a cat!” I said, and King smiled. “Ain’t life a playground?”
“What are you doing with all these dogs, anyway?” I asked, when we stopped in a park to rest. And he told me walking dogs was his job for the day, he took jobs by the day. Just so happened that his assigned area was near my neighborhood. Yesterday he’d handed out samples of cheese at a supermarket. Smoked Gouda. Very good.
“I see,” I said. I didn’t really see. I think what he does is pretty nutty. But I like him. He’s such a nice man, plain but really good, like bread and butter. And so easy to be with. Relief. I told him to come by tomorrow, if he could.
David ate less than half of what was on his plate. Clearing it, I ask, “No good?”
“No,” he says, “it’s fine. It’s great. I’m just … I’m trying to cut down on that stuff a little. You know.”
“Oh. Sure.” He had half a glass of wine to my three, too. I put the plates in the dishwasher. I should have made chicken. Fish. No. I should have made something brand-new, oh God, of course I should have.
“Dessert?” I ask.
“Aw, Sam. I have to pass. But God knows Travis will finish it.” Travis had taken a huge piece of lemon meringue pie up to his room, then come down for another.
“Coffee?” My voice is thin, taut. “Want coffee at least?”
If he refuses that, I’ll tell him to leave.
“Sure,” he says. “But let me go and say good night to Travis. Then we can talk.”
About what? I think. After Travis left the table, we went over money, what days were whose with our son. Then there was an awkward silence that lasted so long I had a strange impulse to burst out laughing. David was looking down and chewing at his lip, an old nervous habit, and it was no longer my job to remind him not to do it. He moved his spoon left, right. Left. I wanted to snatch it from his hand and say, “Look at me!” but I didn’t know what I’d say after that.
“Be right back,” he says.
I watch him walk toward the stairs. I have always loved how he looks from behind. The bit of hair over his collar. His broad shoulders, a good butt, even Rita always admitted that. I hear the stairs at the top of the landing creak in their familiar way. A father, going upstairs to say good night to his son. What has happened here? How have I lost this? I pour two mugs of coffee, bring them into the family room and set them on the coffee table. I sit at the end of the sofa, then move to the middle. I use my finger to quickly check the corners of my eyes for chunks of mascara, ruffle my hair to make it look fuller.
When he comes back downstairs, David says, “He’s asleep already!”
“Yeah. He’s been doing that.”
He looks at his watch. “Eight-thirty?”
“He’s been getting up earlier lately.”
David takes his mug of coffee, sits at the edge of his recliner. He looks like he has a body-wide itch he can’t scratch. He doesn’t really want to talk, not about anything. He was just being polite, he feels sorry for me. “Where’s your roommate?” he asks.
“Spending the night at her boyfriend’s. Sometimes she does that.”
“Really!”
“Yes.”
“Well.” David clears his throat, sets his coffee down no good? and then there is silence except for a slight humming sound from one of the lamps. Quiet! I want to tell it. Can’t you let me think? Can’t you see I’m trying to do something here?
“Sam …” David finally says, and as soon as he does, I am up and moving toward him. Come back, come back, please come back, is at the back of my throat.
I kneel at his feet, put my arms around his waist, hold my breath to keep from sobbing. I am horrified; somewhere over my head, a miniature version of myself looks down in disgust, hands on hips, head shaking. But there, there is the feel of his hand on the back of my head, his voice saying my name again, but softer. I close my eyes. And now his fingers are on my neck, so warm. I push my face harder into him. He cradles my head, wordless and still, and I open my eyes and see his belt buckle. Which I know. Here he is.
I close my eyes again, begins to kiss gently around the area of his zipper. The fabric smells warm, ironed, clean. I start to unzip his pants, hear him pull in his breath sharply. I stop, wait.
Nothing.
I finish unzipping, reach inside his underwear. Let me. I am aware of my own wetness, the sweet, specific ache of desire. Oh, let me, let me. He is flaccid. I rub, gently. Nothing. I pull my hair back, take him into my mouth. “Sam,” he says. “Don’t.” But he does not push me away, and so I continue. In a minute, he will respond. And then I will say I heard you, I heard everything you said at dinner but you don’t mean it, you see? You can’t mean it, we just need time, we just need to change a few things about the way we were together. You don’t really want to leave, look how you still care for me.
But he is still limp. What am I doing wrong? My knees hurt. I want to change position, but I’m afraid to move. I take in more of him, change my rhythm.
And now, still soft, David pulls away from me. I don’t know where to look. Even in the worst of times, this has always worked.
I sit back on my heels, looking down at the floor, hear him zip up. My humiliation is huge in me, it holds me to the floor.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
I nod.
“It probably isn’t a good idea, anyway, Sam.”
“No.”
“I should go.”
“Right.”
“Are you okay?”
Nothing.
“Sam?”
“Yes. I’m … You should go.”
“Is there anything else you needed to talk about?”
“No.” Here, in my stomach, a blunt feeling of something landing. And then a slight nausea.
He stands, reaches down a hand to me.
“Just go,” I tell him.
I hear the front door close, then his car door. I go to the window, watch him drive away. I should have tried to recall a scene from one of the adult movies we’d ren
ted, something we tried a few times when our lovemaking had sputtered, then stalled. But when I think of those movies now, I can only remember how sorry I felt for the women—their terrible, flat eyes, their bad teeth.
The movies hadn’t worked at the time, either. The last time we’d watched one, I, lying beside David in the obligatory flimsy black nightgown, aware of his erection, had nonetheless asked, “Oh, God, what would their dads think?”
David had frowned, and I had stared at the screen, thinking, well, what would they think? Some of the girls had bruises—subtle bluish marks that the makeup couldn’t quite cover. The background music was so ridiculous, and the moaning so loud and urgent it was completely unconvincing. “I think there ought to be some element of surprise in the plot,” I said. “And there needs to be some vulnerability in the characters. In the men.”
“What the hell do you think this is for, Sam?” David asked, then sighed and turned the TV off. Which I was glad about. Who could watch those things, really, and not laugh? Or weep? I always envisioned the girls coming home from those jobs, their heels click clicking back to too-warm apartment vestibules, to dented mailboxes with only bills in them, the girls’ first names indifferent initials.
He was trying to tell me something, renting those movies. Why didn’t I listen? Once again, I feel a movement in my stomach, a nausea. I go upstairs quickly and vomit in the hall bathroom. After I flush and turn on the cold water to wash my face, I hear a knocking at the door. I open it to find Travis, his eyes squinting in the light. “Are you sick?”
I reach down to hug him, kiss his cheek. “No, I’m okay, honey. Go back to bed.” I watch him start back toward his bedroom, then call, “Travis? Were you sleeping till now? Did you just wake up?”
“Yeah,” he says sleepily.
“Okay. Good night.”
What could I have been thinking? What if Travis had come downstairs? “What are you doing, Mom?” he would have asked. “Gross!” I would have pulled away quickly, fingered the button at the top of my silk blouse, blushing furiously, and David would have zipped up fast, covering his uncooperative penis that had lain in his lap like a grubworm. Actually, maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad to be discovered. At least then David would have been embarrassed, too.