Chapter 21
The next few days flew by in a blur as Wade floated through each day incognizant of his actions. He refused to rehire Mrs. Elway for although she had taken care of Louise during her pregnancy, she had left in such haste and had taken the situation so lightly that Wade was convinced of her fault in Louise’s death. So no matter what Wade did, he held the baby close to him, feeding him, rocking him, and changing him. They slept downstairs in the library in Louise’s favorite chair, drifting in and out of sleep. Each time the baby stirred, Wade awoke to take care of him, never missing a beat.
Wade’s son was baptized Cole William Hamilton for that name had been Louise’s favorite. They chose the name William because Wade’s uncle Will had been the most influential father figure in Wade’s life and Cole was Louise’s father’s given name. As Cole was being held by the minister during the baptismal ceremony, Wade gazed upon his son remembering the moments that he and Louise had discussed the names they could give this child. They knew that a man’s name influences his character and they discussed each name and its meaning, trying desperately to find the most suitable name for a child who would walk in Wade’s footsteps, living the life principles that they each held so dear. Finally, they chose the name Cole William, and Wade could not have been prouder to call out the name that would mold his son’s personality.
As the family gathered around the graveside, bidding farewell to Louise, reality began to set in, and Wade felt his body begin to quake with fear, anger, and grief. He stood above the casket as they lowered it into the ground, holding Cole tightly, unaware of his cries, his own tears drowning the sound of his child’s. His mind immediately flashed back to the moment he had watched his baby sister being buried, and he wondered if Aunt Melly’s funeral had been anything like this. He had been at Tara when Aunt Melly had been buried, and now he wished more than anything for the warmth and strength of Tara. He longed to be away from this scene, away from the grieving people and their sorrowful looks.
The minister had said such beautiful things about Louise, and yet it all seemed like in a dream, for none of them knew Louise the way that he did. They did not know of her hopes and dreams. They knew nothing of her kind and generous spirit, for all they had seen was her façade, her shyness masking her true feelings about the world around her. She had been loving and kind, and a great adventurer. Wade had never known another person with whom he could speak on any subject or who had been so knowledgeable about the world. Louise had longed to go to school and for the freedom to express her own views, and she had felt free with him.
Now, he felt utterly alone. His heart ached as he stared into the large hole in the ground, yearning to follow her, for his life felt empty without her. He knelt down, reeling close to the grave. He pictured her lovely face and remembered holding her in his arms and his body racked with sobs. He felt arms wrap around him, trying to hold him and another set try to take the baby, but he fought them off, refusing to give up his child that lay crying in his arms. This child, Cole, was the only link to his lovely wife, and he would not bear to part with him even for a moment.
He blinked his eyes, realizing that the dark clouds were being parted by the sun, and he delicately pulled the blanket over the baby’s eyes then stood carefully, walking backwards as people began filing beside him, throwing handfuls of dirt onto the tiny casket. He had enough. He could not stand here another moment, remembering, aching, and watching his life being buried. He turned suddenly and walked toward the carriage which had carried him to this desolate place and shouted for the driver to take him home. He knew the shame that would follow his decision to leave, but he could not stand there any longer. He longed for the silence and comfort of his own home where he could be alone in the home that had been hers.
When they finally arrived, he raced into the doorway and seated himself in Louise’s chair, feeding the tiny baby he held in his arms, rocking him gently. He spoke tenderly of Louise, telling Cole every detail of Louise’s life. He recanted tales that she had shared with him of her childhood, dreams they had shared, and moments they had lived. As Cole’s beautiful brown eyes began to drowse, Wade’s voice began to waver, fighting sleep, holding on to her for as long as his mind would allow then finally allowing sleep to take hold of him. Although reality tried to force its way into his mind, exhaustion took over, and he finally relented.
Over the next several days, faceless images of strangers came and went, offering words of encouragement and advice. Wade smiled and replied courteously, but he secretly longed to be left alone with his memories and his child. Cooks brought bottles for the baby into the library and pleaded with Wade to eat, but he refused. He couldn’t stand the thought of food for his mind was focused on the tiny life in his arms, and his lovely wife he had left in the cold ground. He avoided the bedroom at all costs remembering the scene he had witnessed there and the sounds he heard so clearly still ringing in his ears and trembling through his body. For hours, he sat in Louise’s chair, thinking of her, and when the tiny brown eyes opened, he would tell Cole about her all over again, repeating every image he could recall. Days droned on in this manner as Wade nursed his broken heart, hoping the pain would ease, but quickly losing the will to strive for recuperation.
Wade startled when he heard a rap on the door, and sat up quickly as the butler showed Mrs. Johnson into the library. She sat down in Wade’s chair, seeing that he had no intention of rising from his seat upon her entrance. He saw her face stiffen as she sat, but didn’t reply.
“Wade, darling it is so nice to see you. I have come by everyday, but your butler would not allow me entrance. Today, I insisted that I just had to see that beautiful baby.” She smiled graciously, hiding her concern.
“That’s fine,” Wade replied absently. He looked toward her without meeting her eyes then focused on the baby sleeping quietly.
Mrs. Johnson stood and walked softly toward the baby and pulled back the blanket covering his face. She smiled, “Oh Wade, he is just darling.” When Wade did not respond or offer to let her hold him, she retreated back to the other chair, fighting her need to yell in frustration. “It is lovely outside. Have you been out or taken the baby for a walk?”
“No,” Wade turned his head to look out the window, as streams of light drifted through, but he had no desire to step outside the comfort of his library.
She shifted her weight in the chair, trying to decide how to best approach him. “Wade, I have to say that I am astonished at your appearance.” She gazed at him, waiting for reaction, but he continued to stare out the window. “Would you have let Louise see you like this?”
Wade reached up and felt his unshaven face and shook his head. Immediately tears leapt into his eyes, and his heart felt heavy, but he had nothing to say. He had no reason to clean up, for as long as he took care of Cole, he was not worried about himself.
“You look like you are wearing the same clothes that you wore the day Cole was born. When was the last time you had anything to eat?”
Silently, he shook his head again, for he couldn’t remember when he had eaten, and it didn’t much matter.
Mrs. Johnson sighed as she stared at this man who had once been bronze and healthy. He looked weak and frail, as if he had been beaten by his grief with no sign of return from his painful memories. She was determined to bring him out of this, and although she had decided to use her planned tactics as a last resort, he looked far worse than she had imagined. The situation was dire, and she had to act now before he grieved himself into the grave beside Louise.
“Wade Hamilton, you will snap out of this right now. How do you think Louise is feeling right now? She is watching you from above, grieving yourself to death and there is nothing she can do.”
Wade raised his eyes, unmoved by her words.
“She left Cole in your care and you are letting her down. The baby looks fed and healthy, but what is he going to do when you kill yourself in this grief? He will be left here with no parent. Does he deserve tha
t?”
Wade shook his head again as tears flowed easily down his face, for now he was unabashedly ashamed, and no one’s presence could change the fact that he had become desperate for companionship. Only this woman could save him.
“Stand up right now. Give me the child, and I demand you go clean yourself up. I have ordered a large plate of food. It will be ready by the time you return. Then we will discuss what you will do.”
He hesitated, still unwilling to part with his child, but the look in her eyes gave no room for compromise. He slowly lifted the baby from his lap and handed him gently to her, keeping his eyes on the baby, expecting to reclaim the child with its first sign of waking. Stumbling, he left the room without a word and followed her orders under duress.
When he returned, a plate of food had been brought to the library, and Wade sat down to begin eating. He suddenly realized that he was famished, and he began throwing food into his mouth, swallowing quickly as if inhaling each morsel.
Mrs. Johnson laughed quietly, “You had better slow down or you will make yourself sick.” She looked at him, astonished that his clean clothes hung on him so loosely. He was cleanly shaven, and the dark circles under his eyes were even more prominent, but she hoped that her encouragement would brighten him slightly. He still had a long road ahead, and his pain would never fully leave, for she had felt the same pain in her youth, though no one knew.
After he had finished eating, he immediately reached for Cole, but she refused to give him up so quickly. “You sit there and rest for a few moments. We still have some things to talk about.” He sat back slowly, considering what she needed to tell him. “Wade, you need to make a plan for the rest of your life. I know that this is a low valley that you will need to claw your way through, but there are mountains on either side of you. You can be on top again.”
Wade considered his Uncle Ashley. Years had passed since Aunt Melly had passed away, and still there lingered a darkness in his eyes, the pain and misery of losing the love of his life and only living to raise the son that Aunt Melly had left him. “Mrs. Johnson, I know that you are trying to help, and I appreciate you encouraging me to eat and live, but I do not believe that I will rise to the top. I cannot see the future without her, and I do not have the will or the strength to live without her.”
“Stop talking like that! You must live. You have a son to raise. Now, you will need to think about hiring a nurse so that you can return to work, and you need to consider how you will finish school. You only have a year left, don’t you?”
Wade startled, “I cannot hire some stranger to come take care of the only thing in this world that I have left. It will not happen.”
“Then what do you expect to do? Wither away in this house, hiding and protecting him from the world? You have to let go at some point, and he needs to see a grown man taking care of his responsibilities if you expect him to be half the man that you want him to be.” Mrs. Johnson’s face began to redden. She had held her temper long enough and she strained herself to keep from screaming.
Wade paused, thinking about his options. He had no reason to finish school, for he had promised Aunt Melly, but she was gone just like Louise, and his other promise lie with Mr. Fontaine, who was apparently conspiring with his mother against Emily. Quite truthfully, he could not imagine how going to school would help Cole in the slightest.
“I will quit school. There is no way that I can continue my education at this point. As far as the bank is concerned, I will speak with Mr. Johnson about holding the position for me until I am ready to return.” Wade nodded his head, content with his own plan that neither accepted resignation nor required further assistance.
Mrs. Johnson nodded, breathing deeply, for this had not gone the way she had accepted, and she reluctantly decided to play her trump card. “Wade, if you refuse to help yourself and to accept the help that I am offering, I will have to call in reinforcements. Have you spoken or written to your mother explaining your predicament?”
Wade’s eyes widened, blazing with fury. “How dare you?”
“I will do what I have to do, Wade Hamilton, to wake you. If it requires contact with your mother, I will do it, for I will not allow you to waste away, killing yourself and scarring this child who happens to be my grandchild, as well.”
Wade glared at her angrily, knowing that she was just so bold as to throw his mother in his face. “When you mess with the devil, you get burned as well. You know very well that Louise and I cut off all contact with that woman. To bring her into this house and back into my life would be the death of me.”
“Actually, I have met her, and I believe that she would restore your life or at least your anger, which in turn would inspire you to get back up. Wade, I have no spite in my heart. Although you may not understand my motives, they are purely in your best interest and Cole’s.”
As Wade considered her words, flashes of Scarlett entered his mind. Suddenly peace fell over him as he remembered his first love. Tara. Tara would restore him. He could take Cole to Tara. There he would find comfort with the land and his family. Suellen could help him, and he could dig his hands deep into the earth, and it would repay him the love and work that he had poured into it in his youth. Tara would give him hope, and he could pass that hope on to Cole, for in Cole’s heart grew the love for the land.
Wade glanced up at Mrs. Johnson with brightness in his eyes that she did not recognize. “Mrs. Johnson, I appreciate your help, and I believe I have a solution. Cole and I will be going to Tara for a while. The sun that shines on that land heals all wounds.”
Mrs. Johnson nodded her head and unpursed her lips, “I remember the way that Louise raved about her visit there. She loved that land, as well.” She paused for a moment considering his decision, knowing that the plantation would provide a safe haven for him, and maybe restore his strength. “I think that is a lovely idea, and when you return, we will figure out your next step. I just hope that you don’t stay too terribly long, for I hate to be separated from this darling child for long.” She rose gently, and handed him back to Wade. The move startled the baby and he began to gurgle and coo when he saw his father’s face.
“Thank you Mrs. Johnson for your visit, and next time, I will ensure that you are allowed entrance.” Wade stood and extended his hand, for he yearned for her approval. She took his hand and squeezed it lightly before leaving the room.
Wade walked around the library, singing softly, and telling Cole about Tara, making plans for their departure as quickly as possible. Within a few days, Wade had made arrangements for travel to Atlanta, where he would stay with Uncle Ashley for a few days before he headed on to Tara. There were only two issues left to undertake.
As he walked down the main street of Athens pushing Cole in his carriage, he felt as if people were staring, and they were. Citizens throughout the town knew of his heartbreaking experience, and though they felt intense sorrow for him, most did not know how to show their sympathy. For the last two weeks, he had pushed everyone away, refusing visitors, ignoring calling cards, and declining invitations for dinner or help. He had shunned the rest of the world, and now, when he needed them the most, they were wary of him, afraid of his response to their offers of help. He kept his head lowered, walking through town toward the university without making eye contact.
When he entered the office of the dean of the university of law, his heart gripped within his chest, reminiscent of the first time he stepped foot in the university. Then he had been intensely afraid that he would be refused entrance, and now his fear was just as intense. He had built a reputation in this institution, a reputation of hard work and high marks, and now he had to withdraw from the program, possible losing the respect he had at one time longed to receive.
He offered his free hand to the dean and took a seat, nestling Cole in his lap. He gathered his courage, and spoke, “Sir, it is with great disappointment that I have resolved to take a sabbatical from study. I have come into a difficult situation, and my atten
tion must be diverted. I am not sure how long I will need to be away.”
The dean looked at Wade with fondness, “I am sorry to hear that. I have heard of your situation, and I had hoped you would come to a different conclusion, but I am not sure I would have made a different decision myself. Do you have any idea when you will return, and where you will go in the mean time?”
Wade took a deep breath, knowing he would have to express his true intentions. Finally, he replied, “I do not know that I will return at all. I am going back to Tara, and I do not think I can bear to return to Athens, knowing that Louise is not here.” Tears began to well in his eyes, and he closed his mouth quickly in order to stop the flow of emotion that he knew would ensue.
“I see.” The dean looked at his hands. “You surprise me.” He stood and walked around to sit on the corner of his desk, looking down at Wade. “I remember when I first met you. I was convinced that you would never make it here, for you were very young, uneducated, and riding on your father’s coattails, with nothing to support you but your mother’s money. You proved yourself beyond what I ever would have expected for you have been an exemplary student.”
“Thank you sir,” Wade replied shyly.
“Yet, I am still surprised to see you overtaken so easily. I understand that you have had a difficult time, and you are overcome with grief and responsibility at this moment, but don’t make any rash decisions just yet. You may get to a point in your life where you can return to finish your degree.”
Wade nodded carefully, but showed no sign of agreement.
“Wade, I want you to know that any time you decide you are ready, you always have a place here. Also, if you raise your son to be the kind of man that I know you are, he is also welcome. It would be a pleasure to have another generation of Hamilton’s here.” He held out his hand in a gesture of friendship, and Wade sighed with relief, knowing that he had not made any enemies and he had maintained his respect. “By the way, in case you did not know this, you have many prospects with the education and experience that you have gained thus far. With your plantation, you can establish a business where you are the lien holder and you have other small farmers working your land. There are a variety of other options, as well. Speak with your Uncle Ashley before you make any further decisions. I would trust and respect his opinion.” He smiled generously, and shook Wade’s hand before leading him to the door.
“Thank you, sir.” Wade retreated. He felt relief that he had conquered one issue; now only one more stood in his way of departure from this city he had once loved, but had now become torturous.
As he walked from the university to the bank where he had worked for several years, he felt his heart begin to pound in his chest. He had not yet faced Mr. Johnson since Louise’s funeral, and he did not know how the man would react, knowing that Louise had died because of their irresponsible decision to have a child. He walked slowly, delaying the meeting as long as possible, speaking to Cole as if he were another adult. They passed by the apartment where he had lived when he first arrived in Athens, and his brow clenched, remembering the pain he had felt when he lost Emily. At that point, he thought he would never recover, but that pain was nothing compared to the pain he felt right now. He passed quickly, keeping his head lowered toward the buggy cradling Cole, chattering nervously as he neared the bank.
He nervously opened the door to Mr. Johnson’s office and took a seat upon invitation. He took Cole out of the buggy and placed him on his lap without allowing his eyes to rise and meet Mr. Johnson’s.
Mr. Johnson remained seated, staring at Wade with gleaming eyes. “So you decided to name him Cole. That must have been Louise’s idea. She was always such a good girl.”
“Yes, sir, she wanted to name him after you,” Wade looked up, hoping to see a warm face, but only coldness dwelt in the man across from him.
“It is just too bad that she will not get to see her son grow.” Mr. Johnson’s eyes became red around the rims before he blinked quickly to hide any emotion. “So, Wade have you come to twist the knife that you so painfully plunged into my back?”
Wade startled, “I am sure I do not know what you mean.”
“I mean, Louise had been advised by the doctor to avoid children until she became stronger. It was a possibility that she would never have children. But you couldn’t wait could you? You had to have a child to carry on your name, or you had to satisfy your carnal lusts without thought to the damage it would cause. In the process, you took her life. I trusted my lovely first-born daughter to your care and you sabotaged her. She is dead because of you.”
“I never knew. She never told me.” Wade bowed his head feeling tears roll down his face.
“It is a little late for sorrow. Why have you come?”
Wade forced his sobs into submission and faced Mr. Johnson, addressing him with a shaking voice, full of remorse. “I have come to let you know that I will be leaving town. Cole and I will be leaving for Tara tomorrow and I am not sure when we will return. I request a leave of absence, but if you cannot hold my position for an undetermined amount of time, I certainly understand.”
“Mrs. Johnson related that information earlier. I wondered if you would have the courage to tell me yourself.” Mrs. Johnson stared at Wade. “We also discussed another alternative that I think you will appreciate. In fact, it would be insane to pass on an offer of this magnitude.”
Cole began to wiggle and Wade tucked the blankets around him more closely, whispered something in his ear then rocked him gently. When he raised his eyes back to Mr. Johnson, he found him staring at the baby with a gleam in his eye.
“Wade I am prepared to offer you one million dollars in gold. We will walk downstairs to the vault, and I will give it to you immediately.”
Wade’s jaw dropped open. His heart began to beat uncontrollably, for he had never held or owned that amount of money. He could not conceive what one million dollars in gold would look like, and he was certainly surprised that this man would own such an amount. “Why would you make such an offer? What do you want from me?”
“It is very simple. I want you to leave Cole with us, go to Tara, and never return. We will raise Cole as if he was ours.” Mr. Johnson was surprised to see the blood drain from Wade’s face and a look of astonishment wash across his face. “You know that you are not well equipped to raise a child. I think that this arrangement would be what Louise would want.”
Wade continued to stare at him, speechless. The proposal was inconceivable. He was being offered an immense amount of money, enough money to completely restore Tara, a task he had always thought to be beyond his ability. To accept this offer would replace his torturous responsibility with the revival of his first true love. He would be able to restore the house to its full splendor and hire help to once again rise as a cotton king. Such an immense amount of money would set his entire family at ease, but would it set his own mind at ease? Could he live with the fact that he committed the same act that had once made him so angry with his mother?
Would Louise really want that for her son? She had risked her life to have this child, a child beholding the traits of qualities that they each held. She had loved this child, whom she had never met, enough to give her life for it, never questioning her decision. She had left this child with him to raise, trusting Wade to care for him, nurture him, and love him the way she would if she were here. He considered Mr. Johnson’s words in every possible light then made up his mind.
“Louise knew the risk of having a child, and she knew that if she told me about the risk, I would have never let her take it. However, she wanted a child. She wanted us to have a child. It was worth the risk to Louise, and this child is priceless to me.” Wade stood quickly, placed Cole in the buggy and left the office without offering any further explanation or saying good-bye.
As he walked home this time, he held his head high, greeting passers-by with great pride. He had regained the strength to stand up for himself and his child. His fatherhood had been
established at that moment as he was faced with a proposal beyond comprehension, for it was no decision at all. He loved this child beyond reason, and he suddenly understood the depth of his new responsibility. Now, he understood the importance of his own health and his own life, for this child depended on him for everything.
This child would grow in his image, and he only hoped that he could live up to what he thought Louise expected of him. Louise had voiced her love for this child and the qualities that she wanted him to display. She wanted Cole to show the characteristics that she saw in Wade, heroism, love, loyalty, honesty, and trustworthiness. Wade believed that at this moment, he had truly shown the characteristics that she saw in him but he had never seen in himself. With her inspiration, Wade felt a renewed sense of ability to fulfill her wishes and raise this child.
As soon as he walked in the door of his home, he began giving instructions to the servants to gather his belongings and ready them for the trip to Tara, however he was stopped short. On the table lay a telegram from Tara.
WILL SICK STOP COME HOME STOP
Wade read the telegram several times. He had planned to surprise everyone at Tara with their arrival, but now he had to change his plans. He had to leave immediately, for Will was sick. He finished packing and he and Cole left for the train station immediately. Before boarding the train, he sent a telegram to Uncle Ashley.
WILL NOT VISIT STOP GOING TO TARA STOP UNCLE WILL IS SICK STOP
Then he sent a telegram to Tara asking Suellen to arrange for transportation from Jonesboro to Tara. He only hoped that someone would be able to drive them home. He had looked forward to this visit since the moment he had decided to return, but now he felt a sense of doom in his heart, for he did not know what he would find when he got home. Pictures of death and sickness played through his mind, and he forced himself to continue on the path which could lead to more destruction, but his sense of duty propelled him to head forward. As he traveled, he carried Cole in his arms, focusing on the new life he held, for the scene he would face in just a few hours was more than he could bear.