* * *
Thank you for downloading this eBook.
Find out about free book giveaways, exclusive content, and amazing sweepstakes! Plus get updates on your favorite books, authors, and more when you join the Simon & Schuster Teen mailing list.
CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE
or visit us online to sign up at
eBookNews.SimonandSchuster.com/teen
* * *
Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Acknowledgments
An excerpt from Hanna Moskowitz’s Break
An excerpt from Hanna Moskowitz’s Invincible Summer
An excerpt from Hanna Moskowitz’s Gone, Gone, Gone
About the Author
To my mom, who read me stories,
and my dad, who made them up
one
AT NIGHT THE OCEAN IS SO LOUD AND SO CLOSE THAT I LIE awake, sure it’s going to beat against the house’s supports until we all crumble onto the rocks and break into pieces. Our house is creaky, gray, weather stained. It’s probably held a dozen desperate families who found their cure and left before we’d even heard about this island.
We are a groan away from a watery death, and we’ll all drown without even waking up, because we’re so used to sleeping through unrelenting noise.
Sometimes I draw. Usually I keep as still as I can. I worry any movement from me will push us over the edge. I don’t even want to blink.
I feel the crashing building up. I always do. I lie in bed with my eyes open and focus on a peak in my uneven ceiling and pretend I know how to meditate. You are not moving. You are not drowning. It’s just rain. It’s your imagination. Go to sleep.
That pounding noise is pavement under your feet, is sex, is your mother’s hands on your brother’s chest, is something that is not water.
It’s not working, not tonight. I sit up and grab my pad and pen to sketch myself, standing. Dry.
Sometimes the waves hit the shore so hard that I can’t even hear the screaming.
But usually I can. Tonight I can, and it hits me too hard for me to draw. I need to learn how to draw a scream.
I close my eyes and listen. I always do this; I listen like I am trying to desensitize myself, like if I just let the screams fill my ears long enough, I will get bored and I will forget and I will go to sleep.
It doesn’t work. I need to calm down.
It’s just the wind.
Not water. Not anyone. Go to sleep.
Some nights the screams are louder than others. Some nights they’re impossible to explain away, like my mom tries, as really just the wind passing through the cliffs. “Like in an old novel,” she says. “It’s romantic.” Her room doesn’t face the ocean.
Fiona, down on the south end of the island, says it’s the ghost, but Fiona’s bag-of-bats crazy and just because we’re figuring out some magic is real doesn’t mean I’m allowed to skip straight to ghost in an effort to make my life either more simple or more exciting. God, what the fuck do I even want?
I should figure it out and then wish for it and see what happens. Who the hell knows? Magic island, after all.
Magic fish, anyway. They heal.
That’s the real story, that’s the story everyone knows, but it’s hardly the only one that darts around.
There are creatures in the water no one’s ever seen except out of the corner of his eyes.
The big house is haunted.
Maybe we’re all haunted.
I only take the legends seriously at night. The house is rocking, and the stories are the only thing to keep me company.
Stories, me, and ocean, and however the hell many magic fish, while my family sleeps downstairs and my real life sleeps a thousand miles away.
At home I never would have believed this shit. I used to be a reasonable person. But now we’re living on this island that is so small and isolated that it really feels like it’s another world, with rules like none I learned growing up. We came here from middle America. We stepped into a fairy tale.
And my brother is better but isn’t well, so color me increasingly despondent, magic fish.
Out in the ocean the shrieks continue, as high and hollow as whistles. I get up and press my face against the window. My room is the highest part of our kneeling house.
The panes on my windows are thick and uneven. Probably the windows were made by hand. Even if it weren’t so dark, I’d still hardly be able to see. Everything’s distorted like I’m looking through glasses that don’t belong to me.
But I can just make out the waves, grabbing on to the shore with foamy fingers and sliding back into the surf. I squint long enough and make out white peaks in the dark water.
“Go to sleep,” I say.
I close my eyes and listen to the screams. I pretend it’s my brother, my little brother, who has cystic fibrosis and this fucked-up chest and can’t scream at all. Pretend this island has done the magic it was supposed to do, and he’s okay. And we can go home.
It’s just that at home there’s so much green—trees and grass and Dad’s rosebushes—and the water isn’t ocean, it’s what comes from the garden hose and the sprinklers and the fire hydrant when me and my friends pry it open. It’s the sweat dripping down our faces. Home. We’d smoke cigarettes in the back of Abe’s van, still soaked from the hydrant, and brag about the stunts he’d pulled. I’d lie to them all and tell them stories about the time I was arrested or my dad was arrested or, hell, that my baby brother was arrested. Back when he was just a two-year-old with a bad cough, toddling down the steps to chase us.
Home, before we had any idea how shitty this could get. When lung transplants and miracle cures were for other people.
Before we were desperate enough to believe, before we were a family alone in a dark room with everything crashing.
You’ll cling to anything.
I fall asleep imagining I’m on a plane home. There isn’t even an airport here.
two
WE HAVEN’T EVEN LIVED HERE TWO MONTHS, AND WE ALREADY have our routine down pat. My father stands in the gray granite kitchen, chopping potatoes and onions for omelets. Mom is on the balcony facing the ocean, my brother on her lap, hitting junk out of his lungs and letting the sea air slap them both awake. Two fish boil in the pot on the stove. Both for Dylan.
I trip over Dylan’s rainbow xylophone on my way down the stairs. It’s the only color in the whole house.
Dylan’s talking a little; I can hear a bit of his voice drifting in through the open balcony doors. He must be having a good day.
“This thing’s a biohazard,” I say, giving the xylophone a nudge.
“I think it needs blood to be a biohazard.”
“Nuh-uh.”
“Trust me. I’m a doctor.”
“I can straighten up. I’m not being a good kid, don’t give me that proud face. I’m a useless shit and you know it.”
“I never forget.”
“It drives me insane. Fucking . . . stuff everywhere.” I load my arms up with toys and cardboard books and my sketch pads.
Dad sa
ys, “Someday he’ll learn to pick up his own stuff,” and he smiles a little.
His hair is still damp from his shower. It’s so humid here. We never dry. I try to shower as little as I can, because I hate being cold, and because there isn’t anyone here I need to look nice for, anyway.
There’s no one my age here, no one even close. There are two kids, around Dylan’s age, both as sick as he is, if not sicker, though they’ve all been here longer so they’re more hopped up on fish than the kid here, doing a little better. The next youngest person, after me, is thirty-two. She’s here with her mother, who has lymphoma. I feel more camaraderie with her, when I catch her eye at the marketplace, than I do with anyone else here, my family included. I can tell she’s here because she’s obligated.
I don’t think she’s ever going to leave.
In two years I’ll be in college. This will be the strange place I’ll ferry to on summer vacation.
These three will go from my whole world to a picture in my wallet. That’s how it’s supposed to be.
I can taste it, and it doesn’t taste like salt water.
Anyway, sometimes I wash my hair to look nice for my mom, which I guess is weird.
“How’d you sleep?” Dad asks.
“Recklessly,” I say, just to say something.
“That was some storm. Wind was howling like crazy.”
“Maybe a ghost,” I say, because I like the way his face contorts. The fact that my father will not even consider a ghost reminds me that not entirely everything has changed. We are not entirely crazy.
I steal a piece of potato. One piece, a rough cube, cold and grainy. It splinters against my tongue.
I tug my hood up over my head before I step out onto the balcony. The wind hits me, cold and heavy, and I taste it underneath my tongue. Below us, Mr. Towner is strolling with his bag, handing out copies of the newspaper he prints in his attic. It never says anything we didn’t already know.
Mom turns around and smiles when she hears me. Every morning she gives me this bright smile, like every morning she’s surprised I’m still here.
I kiss her cheek, then Dylan’s.
Dylan is twisting his shirt in his hands. His chest heaves up and down while he breathes. Each exhale wheezes out of his throat, like a miniature version of the screams that keep me awake. Even though his chest is tight, his breathing’s pretty clear, because Mom just finished smacking him clean. When we first moved here, there was this instant, amazing moment of “Dylan is so much better”—but since then it’s been slow. They warned us that would happen when we moved here. Get a cut on your arm and the fish will heal you right away, but my coughy little brother is still coughing.
“How’s it going, short stack?”
Mom says, “I think he sounds a little better today.”
Routine.
But he doesn’t sound very good, and I can tell by the glance she gives me that he had a rough night. He has been better since we moved here, but there are still times we really, really worry.
Back home sometimes I’d stay up listening to him cough. I can’t hear him anymore.
I give Dylan my fist to tap with his, and then he goes back to telling Mom, quietly, about the cartoon robot he saw on TV. I’ve never met a kid who cares as much about TV as Dyl.
I sit down next to Mom and zip up my hoodie. When I was a kid, I thought beaches were always warm. But it’s only September here and I already feel frozen all the time. Something about the cold makes me want to pace all the time, but it drives my whole family crazy, so I try my hardest to keep still when I’m here and go for walks whenever I can.
“I need a heavier coat,” I tell Mom.
She nods, immediately, and then more slowly as she keeps considering. “We’ll have to order one,” she says. There’s a little farm here for milk and eggs and meat, but most other stuff rolls in on the slowest boat in the world. Like we did. Twenty days puking on a rocking boat, the opposite of immigrants coming to a better land.
“Ms. Delaney invited us all over for dinner tonight,” she says.
“What about Dylan?”
Dylan looks up at me with those brown eyes. People usually estimate him as two and a half, which is almost exactly how old he was when we realized he was sick.
And the two and a half years of sheltering that came after mean that my goofy-ass little brother completely lacks social skills. My parents keep him cooped up because they’re afraid someone will cough on him, but I do it because not everyone is as receptive to endless talk about octopuses and body fluids as we are, you weird kid, come curl up and tell me and leave the normal people out of it.
“Dylan can come,” Mom says. “Maybe it will be easier to breathe, with the altitude.”
“I think it works the opposite of that.” I palm Dylan’s head, and he makes this big show of trying to squirm away.
“It’s only another hundred feet up, anyway,” Mom says. “And she promised to show us a new fish recipe.”
The rest of us usually only sample it, but Dylan eats nothing but fish—not just any fish, but fish, the kind people here mean when they say fish—technically Silver Enki Fish: fat glittery balls of scales that hide in the darkest water and under rocks in the marina. They’re rare here but nonexistent everywhere else in the world. The Delaneys are the ones who discovered the fish, I’m pretty sure. Way back, decades ago, one of them was sick. And then they never left the island.
It’s somehow still a fairly well-kept secret that the fish here keep people healthy, probably because it sounds so fucking fake. I had to lie to my friends about why we were going. I used the same lie people migrating here have used for generations—we think the sea air might help.
There’s a reason seventy percent of the island’s population is over sixty-five. This is a place for last resorts. The fish add years and years and years.
Being here is a good thing.
Dylan crawls off Mom’s lap and onto mine. I let him stay until Dad comes out with breakfast. Omelets for us. Boiled fish for Dylan.
I eat as quickly as I can.
“Going for a run,” I say.
Dad says, “Put some shoes on.”
I have some mental block about shoes. I don’t know. I’m always cold and I just won’t put shoes on unless I’m forced to. I have no explanation. But I’m not going to put shoes on.
I stand up and Mom says, “Rudy, can you stop off by the marketplace, pick me up a bottle of milk?”
“Sure.” I think she does that on purpose. Gives me goals. I like it.
I hop off our bottom step and make my way to the thick sand by the rocks, the damp stuff that takes a half second before it gives under my feet. The grains creep underneath my toenails. We are on the edge of the island and we have the longest walk of anyone to the marketplace, but we don’t complain. My mom, I think, has this secret fear that if we piss anyone off, they’ll stage an uprising and kill us, and no one will ever know. This island does feel like the perfect place for a murder.
I jog by one of my favorite places here—a long dock surrounded on either side by jetties of rocks. It’s impossible to see if you aren’t at a specific angle. My father fishes there sometimes, but he’s never caught anything. There are tricks to catching Enki fish that nobody knows.
I think that dock is where the real fishermen used to work, but now they have a camp not far from our house, in the opposite direction of the marketplace. We hear them grunting and cursing at the fish and their massive nets, when the water isn’t too loud.
The Delaneys’ mansion sits above all of this, at the top of its dune, all its doors and windows shut tight. That house could be hit by a tsunami and never budge. Ms. Delaney rarely comes to the marketplace. I’ve seen her once. She has this guy who does the shopping for her. I don’t think he’s sleeping with her. He looks too happy for that.
The marketplace is only open on Tuesday mornings, and it’s the highlight of everyone’s week. A lot of the houses are clustered around here, the ones tha
t aren’t hideously cheap, like ours, or hideously expensive, like the Delaneys’.
The peddlers, who are just neighbors most of the week, but peddlers now, drive hard bargains as they hop from their stand to the others. The whole place sounds like the eggs and bacon frying at the farmer’s station, and my mouth is almost shaking from the smell, but I don’t have cash with me for anything but milk. I’m still not used to a world where credit cards are useless.
I nod at Ms. Klesko selling jars of jam and shake hands with Sam as he hands me a milk bottle. “How’s your brother?” he asks.
“He’s good. Eating well.”
“Always a pleasure,” he says.
Fiona the fortune-teller stops me with a hand on my arm as I start to go. She looks at me, the wrinkles around her eyes deepening as she searches my face. I don’t think Fiona touches anyone as much as she touches me. This should probably bother me more than it does. To be honest—and this sounds really stupid—I feel sometimes now like I’m actually starving for someone to touch me. God, it sounds even more stupid than I thought it would.
“The ghost is with you,” she says.
I kiss her cheek so she’ll let me go and then I head home, the bottle of milk cold and tempting in my hand. Halfway home, I give up and take a sip. Milk here is so heavy and thick. My mom used to tell me that milk was a food, not a drink. I never believed her before.
So I guess what I do is eat half the bottle. Mom is going to kill me.
To distract myself from the rest of the milk, I follow the path of the shoreline, looking for sand dollars. Today is too cold to even touch the water, but even when it isn’t, I rarely go in past my knees. I’m not a strong swimmer. I don’t think I’ve put my head under since we’ve moved.
Maybe I’ll drop off the milk and then run more, blow off my schoolwork, go past my house until I hit the marina. I’ll scale the cliffs. I’ll watch the grimy fishermen catch my brother’s meals.
And then I hear someone whistle.
I turn away from Ms. Delaney’s mansion and that’s when I see him, sitting on a rock with a piece of seaweed hanging out of his mouth.