Then, almost in a blur, the group began to move toward the diner. Sam opened the door and his girlfriend slid past him. My body tensed even more. I swallowed down the bile that started to rise in my tight throat when the new guy placed his hand on the center of Rose’s little back and ushered her through the doorway a second later.
He had touched her with an air of familiarity, as if he owned her. And she had let him touch her. She had willingly allowed him to guide her though the door. An icy chill abruptly cooled me in the sweltering heat. I gazed at the sky to see dark, ominous clouds building on the horizon.
Yes, Rose had always been willing when it came to touching and kissing. Now I guessed she was doing those things with the guy that just pushed her through the door. The frosty tentacles filling my body invaded my heart. I sat frozen in place, unable to erase the disgusting image from my mind.
Matthew’s voice sounded distant when it cracked into my stunned mind. I blinked at him just in time to catch the Mountain Dew he tossed me.
“Hey, Noah, guess who we just saw in the diner.”
When I didn’t say anything, he continued loudly, “It was the English girl you dumped. She was with this tall guy.”
I didn’t think he had any idea that what was coming out of his mouth was killing me, but Jacob did. He roughly smacked Matthew on the head open handed and grunted, “Shut up, Matt—you idiot!”
I found my voice, hoping it wouldn’t waver when I said, “Don’t worry about it, Jacob. I don’t care in the least.”
Jacob wasn’t buying it, though, by the way he sympathetically shook his head and sighed loudly. While I was struggling to keep my composure, Mr. Denton climbed into the truck and revved up the loud diesel engine. Slowly he pulled out of the lot and away from Rose.
I had prayed so hard to get to see her, and God had answered my prayers. Now I knew that Rose had moved on. She was already enjoying someone else’s company and there was nothing I could do about it. The sight of that guy’s hand on her back had made my decision about Ella easy for me. Tonight I would ask her parents’ permission to begin courting her.
And I’d never look back.
* * *
Sitting at the end of the table with Matthew beside me, I took the last bite of food, not really tasting it. Everything was about appearances. I had to appear happy enough to be enjoying my dinner and that’s just what I was going to do. Even if I threw it up later.
“Um, about what I said earlier, Noah. I wasn’t really thinking.”
Looking over at him and his anxious chubby face, I decided I had no reason to be angry with him. All he did was say the truth. Yeah, I didn’t want to hear it at the time, but Matthew hadn’t meant anything malicious by it. He’d never been in love. How would he know what it felt like to see the girl who had once been mine with another guy?
“It’s all right. I really have gotten over her,” I said firmly, convincing myself of my words each time I pictured her kissing that guy.
“I heard you were going to ask to court my sister. Is it true?” he whispered cautiously.
“Yeah, I guess that’s the direction I’m heading,” I said with quiet resolve.
“That means we’ll be officially brothers someday,” he said cheerfully.
Seeing how happy he was at the idea, I couldn’t stop the slight smile from creeping onto my mouth. “I guess that’s true, Matthew.”
“Noah?” It was Father’s voice. He had walked to the table with Mr. Weaver close beside him. “Will you please go with Ella to the storeroom to bring a watermelon to the table?” His voice would have sounded innocent enough to anyone else, but I wasn’t fooled.
As if perfectly rehearsed, Ella appeared next to my chair, waiting expectantly for me to join her. Not very subtle, Father, I thought, getting up and proceeding to follow her into the house and down the stairs to the basement.
The storeroom was in the far corner and since we’d eaten outside, the room was empty of any people. An uncomfortable feeling gripped me as I realized that this was the first time I’d ever been completely alone with the girl. Crossing the smooth concrete floor slowly behind her, we entered the small space lined with shelves from the ceiling to the ground, where jars of varying sizes were tightly packed onto the boards, filled with a variety of colorful contents.
The proximity to Ella felt strange to me, but she, on the other hand, seemed to be perfectly okay with the situation when she pivoted around quickly. She openly eyed me up and down with a slight smile on her lips.
I’d never really taken the time to look closely at her before. Now I took the opportunity to examine her. She had a pretty face. That, I already knew, but her eyes were the wrong color and her lips weren’t full enough. Her nose was a little too turned up and I appraised her body, trying to imagine what she was hiding under her thick dark blue dress. From what I could gather, I decided her breasts weren’t full enough, and she was too tall, only a few inches shorter than me. Ella would have been beautiful to any other man, but to me she was just too different from my first love.
I waited for my body to respond to her nearness. Hoping that my heart would beat wildly or that wonderful tingling feeling would begin to surge from my groin. But my insides were quiet, almost…bored.
Bringing my eyes back to hers, she looked at me with a desire that was obvious, and I was suddenly unsure what to do. I never had to think about it when I was with Rose. My body had all the answers with her. It took charge of my brain, making it all so easy and natural.
I hesitated, wondering, when Ella took the initiative, stepping within a few inches of me. She looked up under fluttering eyes. Her eyes were definitely inviting me to kiss her. In a fluid motion of desperation, to see if this girl, or any other girl, for that matter, could make me feel as alive as Rose did, I bent down and placed my mouth on hers.
Her lips parted very little. They felt stiff and unyielding beneath mine. Her scent was all wrong, too. Instead of the warm lavender smell that was burned into my senses, my nostrils were being invaded with a cool, soapy smell that was totally unsatisfying.
I wasn’t going to give up so easily, though. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her tighter into my embrace, attempting to press her into me enough that I could feel her body through the heavy dress.
A soft gasp escaped her lips, and her mouth began to move more urgently on mine. I waited for the powerful feelings of anticipation and desire to wash over me, but they were held at bay, with only a dull ache deep within me that was incredibly disappointing.
Everything about her was completely wrong to me: the smell; the touch; even the taste. Maybe in time she’d become familiar to me, and my feelings toward her would change, but I doubted it. And I didn’t want to wait for it to happen. Not being able to handle another second of trying to force myself to respond to her, I pulled back suddenly. I would have let go of her completely, but she swayed and I kept my hand on her waist to steady her. The last thing I needed was for her to faint.
“Oh, Noah, I knew you had feelings for me,” she exclaimed breathlessly.
At that moment, looking at her flushed face and her bright eyes, I realized she was exhibiting more life than I’d ever seen from her before. Abruptly, I felt like a complete and utter dog. It wasn’t her fault that I didn’t find her attractive. Most of the boys, if not all of them in the community, would have been turned on by her kiss. With me it was different, though. Rose had ruined me for any other girl.
“I’m sorry about that kiss, Ella,” I apologized.
“Oh—it’s fine with me, Noah. Will you be talking to my father tonight?” she asked confidently.
What was I to say to that? After all, I had just kissed her, and in our community that usually meant a courtship would follow quickly.
“Not tonight, Ella,” I said without meeting her eyes. Glimpsing the watermelons on the bottom shelf, I squeezed past her to pick up the largest one and hurry from the small room. I could hear her footsteps softly behind me. I hoped tha
t she wouldn’t blab the kiss to all the other girls, knowing full well that the entire community would know about it by morning.
I managed to avoid her by playing volleyball with the other guys until the sun disappeared, to be replaced by the semidarkness of a clouded-over sky. Occasionally, a sliver of the moon slipped through. The air was heavy with dampness, and the smell of rain was quickly surrounding me.
When it was too dark to play ball any longer, the older boys started a bonfire behind the house, and everyone gathered around it to roast marshmallows. Without looking in the direction where Ella sat with her sisters beside the flames, I made my way to Father and bent down to whisper in his ear.
“Father, I’m not feeling well. May I leave for home now?”
He scrutinized me with sharp eyes, trying to detect any rebellion. I must have acted my part well, because I breathed a little easier when he answered, “You may go, son. But I am trusting that you really are sick and don’t have any mischief in your heart.”
I could only nod in agreement, feeling slightly guilty, but not enough to deter me. I quickly went to the barn and led Rumor out of the tie stall. In little time I had the horse harnessed and hooked up to the buggy. I was just about to step up to the seat when the crackle of pebbles underfoot sounded behind me, causing me to jump slightly before I whirled around to see Ella watching me.
“Why are you leaving before everyone else, Noah?” she asked suspiciously. I remembered instantly why I’d never liked her before.
Without missing a beat, I told her, “I’m not feeling well. We ate at the diner for lunch today. I think I have food poisoning,” I lied.
“Will I see you tomorrow?” Her tone was slightly demanding and her face was set in a tight grimace.
Climbing into the buggy, I said distractedly, “We’ll see how my stomach is doing.” The disbelief was evident in her eyes, and I quickly added, “Let’s not rush into anything, Ella—okay?”
Snapping the reins, I rolled away and left her standing in the driveway. I thought things were bad before. Now I was truly going to hell. Forgetting Ella, I pushed Rumor to cover the distance between the Weavers’ farm and ours quickly.
When I turned into the driveway, probably ten minutes had passed, but it felt like ten hours. Poor Rumor was lathered with sweat from the hard trotting I had asked of him. Normally, I would have taken him straight to the barn, removing his harness and rubbing him down before I did anything else. But tonight I had other ideas. With my heart pounding in my chest, I parked the horse and buggy by the shed, setting the brake. Jumping down, I moved around the front of Rumor, pausing to pat him on the neck and promise him that I’d be taking care of him soon.
Then I did what was probably the stupidest thing in my life by walking rapidly to the phone. Without hesitation, I picked the handle up, dialing the number that I had memorized weeks ago. Settling myself on the bale of hay, I covered my face with my hands and waited for her to answer.
23
Rose
Seeing the Light
HIDING IN THE corner, I peered across the misty, smoke-filled room. The crowd of teenagers was so thick that I could barely see between the dancing bodies, especially with many of the bodies mashed together in passionate embraces. Feeling the color flooding my cheeks, I looked away, trying to avoid the R-rated show by listening to the booming music instead. Feeling the rhythm vibrating through me, I swayed to a song I really liked. The beat made my blood feel warm, pumping more surely than it had since I last saw Noah. Closing my eyes, I let the sensation wash over me.
I wasn’t at all worried about being bothered by any of the guys at the party, even though every male in the room had checked out pretty much every female that arrived. It appeared that Hunter had placed an invisible force field around my body when he decided to shadow my every move in the house.
Sam, of course, had immediately abandoned me, bounding upstairs with his Barbie doll, leaving me to face the roomful of strangers alone. I wasn’t in a social mood, thoroughly disgruntled that I had been tricked into coming to the party. I must have been giving off the “leave me alone and don’t talk to me” vibes, because all the other kids did just that, steering clear of me. Except for Hunter, who would occasionally bring me a fresh soda and say a few words. After he’d run a drink errand, he’d retreat to a safe distance of about ten feet away, spending his time broodingly drinking beer and staring at me.
Ignoring his hot eyes, I continued to move to the music. It was weird to be surrounded by all these people yet still feel absolutely alone. Sadness squeezed my insides. I struggled to hold the tears back, when I suddenly felt large hands on my waist and a deep voice in my ear.
“Do you want to get some fresh air, Rose?” Hunter said loudly enough to be heard over the blaring noise.
I could smell the beer on his breath. I thought about saying no, but the cold loneliness that I was experiencing compelled me to answer weakly, “Sure.”
Taking the hand he offered me, I let him pull me through the press of bodies in the center of the room, coming uncomfortably close to several couples tongue tied together. That really grossed me out. Yuck. I actually began pushing on Hunter’s back to get off the makeshift dance floor quicker.
Finally, we broke through all the writhing bodies and moved down a narrow hall to the back door. Leaving the stuffy warmth of the house behind, I breathed the fresh, cooler air in deeply. Letting it fill my lungs to capacity in an attempt to cleanse the disgusting cigarette smoke from the tissues.
If Hunter didn’t have a firm grip on my hand as he pulled me across the dark, unfamiliar yard, I probably would have stumbled onto my face. I glanced up at the heavy clouds that were hiding any glimpse of the moon. The atmosphere tingled with the prospect of rain.
I could see his target now. A pretty little gazebo with an intricate railing of swirls and curlicues nestled between a few large pine trees. The white paint made the structure leap out of the blackness. Although I was glad to be able to see something, nervousness suddenly slammed into me, constricting my stomach, the breath catching in my throat.
Hunter’s big feet thudded onto the wooden floor, stabbing the night air. Guiding me to the bench, he sat beside me with his legs stretched out, leaning his back against the spindles leisurely. His overly relaxed posture, arms spread out along the railing, his legs crossed over, reminded me of a stuck-up house cat. Even though his face was well hidden in the shadows, I imagined it held the same arrogant confidence his body was exhibiting. The whole picture really bugged the crap out of me.
My irritation wasn’t enough to erase the nervousness. I sat rigidly on the edge of the seat, not really wanting to kiss him, but knowing that it was probably inevitable at this point. I couldn’t keep from wondering at the same time if his kiss would be similar to Noah’s. My heart began to race, more from terror than anticipation while I waited for something to happen.
He wasted no time when a few seconds later his hands closed over my shoulders. Surprising me, instead of kissing, he began pushing his thumbs firmly into my shoulder blades. I definitely wasn’t expecting a massage. Wow. It felt pretty good. Although his touch made me want to bolt back to the house at first, his fingers were expertly working to rub the anxiety out of my sore muscles. Even though my mind was screaming in protest, my back relaxed, slumping a little when the tension was released. This wasn’t so bad, I decided, losing myself to the pleasurable sensations for a minute. It certainly wasn’t the same as when Noah touched me. I wasn’t experiencing all the crazy palpitations in my gut or the blood surging below my skin. But it was okay.
“Your muscles are so tight, Rose,” he said slowly, speaking in rhythm with his hand movements.
“Yeah, I’ve been pretty stressed-out lately,” I commented almost to myself, letting him continue. Only now his strong fingers had moved up onto my neck and I wondered how he had learned to work his fingers like that. I was about to ask him when he interrupted my musings.
“Were you and that guy pr
etty serious?” he asked softly, his hands pausing while he waited for my answer.
Not only could I hear the curiosity in his voice, but also the deep sound of physical attraction. I wasn’t just an inexperienced girl anymore. Noah had made sure of that. Thoughts of him popping into my head pricked me into awareness and suddenly Hunter’s touch, as good as it felt a moment ago, bristled my skin now and queasiness bubbled in my belly.
What the heck was I doing out here in the dark with this pumped-up jock anyway? I wanted Noah touching me, not Hunter. The knowledge flooded my brain, leaving me with the realization that I wouldn’t ever want another guy to touch me the way Noah had. I’d probably end up running away to a convent to become a nun.
Sighing, I mumbled, “Yeah, we were close.”
I had been feeling fairly certain that he would behave himself, especially since my big brother, his newest and best buddy, wasn’t far away in the house. And even though Sam was preoccupied, he still was here somewhere.