‘I vow.’
‘I vow.’
‘I vow,’ says Josephine.
‘I vow,’ says Gabby.
‘Perhaps we can all go round the room telling everyone our names and a little about our divorce. I’d like to start by saying I’m Sally, and I started my first divorce support group eight years ago when I went through my own divorce. I thought I had been very happily married for twenty-three years, except my then-husband claimed I was wrong.’ She smiles. ‘It wasn’t, as I thought, a happy marriage, but a terrible one.’ There is a ripple of laughter through the room, this story clearly resonating with more than one woman there. ‘It was, without question, the most painful thing I have ever been through. I could not believe that my husband, the man I had loved for most of my adult life, was one day a loving husband, and the next, a stranger.’ Another ripple as a wave of familiarity washes over the room. ‘I tried leaning on the women I thought of as my closest friends, but it was as if a chasm had developed between us. They didn’t know what to say, or how to help, or, in some cases, how to be there for me in any way, shape or form, because they’d never been divorced themselves. I tried not to blame them, but I felt abandoned, and betrayed.’
Several women are now nodding, two leaning forward at exactly the same time to pluck a Kleenex from the box on the coffee table, dabbing at the corners of their eyes.
‘As a therapist myself, I am, of course, a huge believer in therapy, but I had been in therapy for years, and therapy alone couldn’t help my pain. I knew I needed to talk to other women who were going through what I was going through. I knew I could help them and, in doing so, I could help myself. I started this group not as a therapist but as a woman in pain, looking for help. The first group met here, in this library, on the tenth of October almost exactly eight years ago. The women who sat in a circle in this room are, today, amongst my closest friends.’ She smiles again. ‘And finally I have to tell you that there is life after divorce. I was married two years ago to the most wonderful man, a man who is, truly, my soulmate, my partner, in a way my prior husband never could have been. However much you feel your life is ending, I urge you to think of this as a new beginning. It won’t always be easy, but there is more joy and laughter and love to come, once you have worked through your pain and are open to it. Thank you.’
There is silence as the women digest what Sally has said, then she catches the eye of the woman sitting next to her, the gorgeous, glamorous, made-up woman, and gives her a small nod, indicating she should talk next.
‘Hi. I’m Michelle,’ she says, stretching out her legs and showing off high platform sandals and black toenails, an ankle bracelet glinting as she moves. ‘Wow. Where to begin.’ She gives a nervous laugh. ‘I have three beautiful children. Jason, who’s nine, and Emily, who’s six, and Alex, who is four. My … husband and I met in high school. We’ve been together for ever, and he is the love of my life.’ Her voice cracks. ‘He has his own business, a chain of retail stores, and for the last few months they’ve been struggling, so he’s had to work like a crazy person to get the business back up and running again. Or at least, that’s what he said. While he was at work, I was doing everything. I kept a happy home for him, and raised the children. I’m a full-time, stay-at-home mom, and proud of it. I loved being a wife, and a mother, and I stepped in to pick up the slack during those months when he wasn’t home. Two months ago he came home from work and I could see something was wrong. I thought he was losing the business, but he said …’ Her voice cracks again. ‘He said he was leaving me. He was in love with this woman who works for him. Gina.’ She spits out her name. ‘His slutty twenty-five-year-old assistant, who I had given jewellery to!’
She looks around the room at the women, their faces all aghast.
‘She’d babysat our kids when we went away and I gave her jewellery to thank her! On top of money! It turns out they have been having an affair for almost a year, and he wants to reinvent himself with her. We live in a big, gorgeous house in Fairfield, which is on the market now, and the bastard is refusing to pay for anything. I’m trying to cook for people to make some extra cash but I have no idea what I’m going to do. The lawyer says he’ll have to disclose all his assets, but I know my husband. If there is anything left in the business by the time we get to the divorce courts, he’ll have it wrapped and hidden so well even a forensic accountant won’t be able to find it. So here I am. Crying myself to sleep every night, then waking up two hours later and staying awake the rest of the night, worrying how I’m going to feed my children and where I’m going to live. The only good thing to have come of it is I’ve lost thirty pounds. Seriously. I’ve never been this size in my life.’ She smiles as Gabby mentally berates herself for judging. She thought this girl was one of the wealthy, entitled housewives, the kind of girl she crossed the room to avoid, but how wrong she was.
‘Thank you for sharing with us, Michelle,’ Sally says, looking at the next woman.
Four women later, Gabby has heard roughly the same story four times, but with slightly different scenery in each retelling. In every story the husband has unexpectedly left the wife; in every story the wife thought she had, if not the perfect marriage, then certainly one that was good enough. The women are angry, resentful, upset. They do not understand why this has happened to them. They do not know what they did to deserve this, other than be a wonderful wife, a faithful wife, a wife who bore their husband’s children and raised them well, kept beautiful homes.
And then it is Gabby’s turn.
‘I’m Gabby,’ she says quietly. ‘And, as you can hear, I’m English. As you can probably see, I’m also pregnant. I am married to a wonderful man. Like many of you, I married the great love of my life. He is the kindest, funniest, greatest guy, and there was never any question in my mind that I would grow old and die with him. And I screwed it up. I made a mistake that threw everything I cared about into jeopardy, and I am so disgusted with myself I can barely even look at my reflection in the mirror. I wish I could sit here and say I have no idea why he left, but I know exactly why. And I don’t blame him. I just wish I could turn back the clock.’
The other women wait for her to carry on; they want to hear more, wonder what mistake she is talking about.
But Gabby is done. She turns her head to Josephine with a half-smile. ‘There’s nothing more I can say right now. Sorry.’
‘My turn?’ Josephine asks and Gabby shrugs apologetically. ‘Great,’ she says. ‘I’m Josephine and I left my husband. I married him seven years ago, thinking I was doing the right thing, even though I knew I didn’t love him, not in the way you’re supposed to love your husband. But I wanted kids, and love had always been so difficult for me, so when he came along and promised to take care of me, it felt like I’d been sent a knight in shining armour. I was a good girl; I was trained to say the right thing. When he asked me to marry him I thought it would be rude to say no. So we got married, and we had kids. Two boys. I adore them. My husband, who had been so incredibly charming, and wonderful, and gentle during the courtship, started to change. He became aggressive and demanding. And so controlling. He’d tell me what I could and couldn’t eat, what I was and wasn’t allowed to wear. He’d put me down in front of friends, and scream at me about how incompetent I was. I had been so strong before I met him, and I started off fighting back, but after a while the fight went out of me and I just … gave up. He never hit me, not slapping, or punching, but when his rages were out of control he was terrifying, and often he’d push me into a wall, or shove me across a room.’
She is dispassionate as she talks, the story made even more powerful by her lack of emotion.
‘I used to lie in bed at night and dream about divorce, but I was too terrified to leave. I knew that if I ever said I wanted a divorce he’d fly into a rage so awful I couldn’t even begin to contemplate it. I thought I was stuck. I was terrified of what he would do. I could actually see him spitting with rage, “You want to leave? You leave. I’m keep
ing the house. And the boys.” When the boys leave for college, I thought, then I’ll go. When they’re protected and he has no power over me any more. But then –’ a small smile crosses her lips – ‘I met someone. Not an affair,’ she quickly explains. ‘He’s a friend. We’ve become very close. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever been so close to anyone before. He knows everything about me, and I know it was this friendship that gave me the strength to leave. It made me see that marriages don’t have to be filled with rage, and anger, and fear. It made me see that there are men out there that are kind. And gentle. And loving.’ She sighs. ‘You know, the truth is I think I am a little bit in love with my friend. And he says he’s a little bit in love with me, but nothing’s happened. Nothing will happen,’ she says firmly. ‘We’ve agreed we are only ever going to be friends. But it’s his love that gave me the strength to leave. I started looking ahead to the future, to a future without my husband, rather than dwelling in the fear of anticipation that was based on the past. So now I’m on my own, and, remarkably, I am still in the family home, and I thought getting rid of my husband would be fantastic, and some of the time it is.’
She stops as her voice begins to break, and leans over for a tissue.
‘But on the weekends,’ she says, her voice quieter than before, ‘when my kids are with him, and I’m in my house without them, I have no idea who I’m supposed to be. If I’m not someone’s wife, someone’s mother, who the hell am I? He’s spreading stories about me having an affair, which isn’t true, and I’ve been cut dead by some of the women in school, which shouldn’t bother me because it’s not like I liked these women anyway, but it does. And I honestly have no idea if I can make it on my own. I’m relieved, and scared, and overwhelmed, and I needed to talk to others who understand.’
‘Well done,’ Sally says gently. ‘You sound like a woman of tremendous courage.’
The introductions and personal stories take up the entire hour. Gabby still feels, as she so often does, like a fish out of water, and rather than mill around afterwards, talking to strangers, she heads for the door, hoping to make it to the car park without getting caught.
But she is caught. By Josephine.
‘Do you want to grab some tea?’ she asks.
Gabby is about to decline and make her excuses, but this fresh-faced woman looks exactly like someone Gabby would be friends with, and instead she finds herself saying yes.
‘The thing is …’ Josephine stops to tear open a packet of sugar and tip it into her tea, stirring it with a plastic spoon. ‘It isn’t the same when you’ve left your husband. It just isn’t the same as having them walk out on you. Those women seem … I don’t know. I’m sure they’re nice, but the only one I felt I had anything in common with is you.’
‘Do you think that matters, though?’ Gabby can’t help but feel flattered. ‘Do we have to like each other? Obviously it’s nicer for everyone if we do, but I don’t know that it’s essential.’
‘All I know is that if you hadn’t been there I’m not sure I’d be coming back. It just seemed that so many of those other women were angry. I’m not angry. I’m relieved. And terrified.’
‘Tell me about it,’ Gabby says. ‘I still wake up every morning thinking this is a bad dream.’
‘So what was your mistake? How did you screw it up?’
‘Isn’t it obvious?’ Gabby gestures to her stomach.
‘You had an affair?’
‘I’m not even sure you could call it that. An emotional affair, perhaps. I had a … friendship. Probably one just like yours. Lots of flirtatious emails, lots of banter. It made me feel beautiful again. And alive. We slept together once, but once is all you need, it seems. I thought I was going through the menopause and pregnancy was the last thing I’d have to worry about.’
‘I know this sounds deceitful, but didn’t you think about telling your husband it was his? If it was just once, couldn’t you have just, I don’t know, put it behind you and moved on?’
‘I could have done. If my husband hadn’t had a vasectomy last year.’
Josephine claps her hands over her mouth. ‘Oh shit!’
‘Exactly.’ Even Gabby smiles at the irony. ‘Oh shit indeed.’
‘Okay,’ Josephine says, leaning forward. ‘Seeing as we’re now at secret level, I will confess that my … friendship …’
‘You’re sleeping with him,’ Gabby says matter-of-factly.
Josephine’s face falls. ‘How do you know?’
‘I didn’t know for sure, but it seemed likely. Only because you left your husband. I don’t know that women ever leave their husbands unless there’s someone else. Actually, I don’t think you necessarily have to be sleeping with them, but you have to be emotionally attached to someone other than your husband. A close friendship with an unspoken attraction, maybe. An unfulfilled dream. Or, in my case, a flirtation with an inappropriate man and one night that screws everything up.’
‘You realize you just got hugely unlucky, don’t you?’ Josephine says. ‘If you hadn’t got pregnant, you could have got away with it.’
Gabby gives a deep sigh. ‘That’s the thing I can’t believe. It still would have been wrong, and I would have had to live with the fact that I had betrayed my husband. And honestly? I don’t know that I would have been able to do it, but at least he would still be my husband. At least the man I love, the only man I have ever loved, would still be by my side.’ She looks at Josephine. ‘Enough about me. Did you sleep with your friend before or after leaving your husband?’
‘After!’ Josephine looks shocked. ‘I could never sleep with another man then climb into bed with my husband! Oh Lord.’ She realizes who she’s talking to. ‘I’m sorry. I’m not judging you. It’s just a personal thing …’
‘Oh trust me, I’m not offended. I never thought that either – I never thought I could sleep with another man then climb into bed with my husband. Amazing the things you end up doing during your mid-life crisis. Are you going to run off into the sunset with this other man and live happily ever after?’
Sadness crosses Josephine’s face. ‘That’s the thing. It’s complicated. He was incredible when I was sharing my unhappiness with him, and then immediately after I left, when things became physical, I presumed we’d be together. I told everyone else I was leaving Chris because I was so unhappy and because I’d had enough, and, even though that was true, I knew deep down I wouldn’t be leaving if James wasn’t waiting in the wings.’
‘And?’
‘Now James isn’t sure we should get involved. Not seriously. He says he loves me but he’s worried he’s the rebound guy, and I need to heal before he can get involved with me.’
‘What do you think?’
‘I think it’s bullshit. I think this is one of the things men say when they’re trying to let you down gently. It’s like that whole “it’s not me, it’s you” thing. I’m on this goddamned roller coaster where I have no idea what’s going on. When he calls and says he’s coming over I’m flying high as a kite, then when he doesn’t respond to a text, or disappears for two days, I sink into the depths of depression and all I can do is lie in bed and cry. You probably think I’m crazy.’
Gabby smiles. ‘I do. But only because I’ve experienced all kinds of crazy myself. That was me with the guy who got me pregnant. A roller coaster. I was obsessed with him, to the exclusion of everything that was important in my life. My husband, my kids. All I thought about was him. I had no idea how crazy, and how unhealthy, it was. Nor did I have any idea how it would screw up my life.’
‘Do you think this is crazy and unhealthy?’ Josephine’s voice is a fearful whisper.
‘What do you think?’ Gabby asks gently.
‘I think it’s crazy and unhealthy.’ She grimaces as she says the words. ‘I know it is. But I can’t help it. I feel like I’ve jumped into the ocean and he’s the only lifeline I have.’
‘He can’t be a lifeline when he’s drifting away from you,’ says Gabby. ‘Look. I?
??m not saying you were wrong to leave your husband. Clearly you were terribly unhappy, and he sounds like a dreadfully abusive and difficult man. You needed to leave, and this man – James?’ Josephine nods. ‘James saved your life. You should always be grateful to him for getting you out of the marriage, but the ones that get you out are never the ones you end up with.’
‘You don’t think so?’
‘I think it can happen but it’s rare. He had a specific role in your life: to get you over the fear enough for you to leave your husband. Of course it’s scary. Trust me, I know how terrifying it is to face the prospect of life on your own when you’ve had a partner for so many years, but you have to face those fears. You can’t immediately look to another man to rescue you. That will bring you nothing but pain.’
‘I know you’re right,’ Josephine says. ‘It’s still pretty shitty to hear. It’s a shame you’re pregnant – I could do with a glass of wine just about now.’
‘It’s the middle of the afternoon!’ Gabby laughs. ‘A bit early, isn’t it?’
‘Never too early for a glass of wine when you’re going through a divorce!’ Josephine laughs too, lifting her mug of tea. ‘Cheers. I’m glad I met you, and I’m glad I came today. I didn’t expect this, but I feel a little bit better already.’
Gabby opens the front door, immediately seeing Olivia’s Uggs, kicked off in the hallway in just the way that always drives her nuts. Usually she would shout up the stairs, demanding Olivia come down and put her boots away in the cubby, where they belong, but the very fact that Olivia is here is so thrilling that she doesn’t want to do anything to destroy whatever peace she may have brought with her.
Should she go upstairs and knock on Olivia’s door? Should she bring tea? Olivia has refused to speak to Gabby for weeks, and Gabby wants to make this easy, doesn’t want to do anything to further stir up the situation.
Things are not easy, apparently, at Tim and Claire’s house. The house really isn’t big enough for two extra bodies, and nerves are starting to fray. Elliott is on the sofa bed in the TV room, which is fine during the week, but disastrous at the weekends. Elliott likes to sleep in then, but Tim and Claire’s kids like to tumble downstairs at the crack of dawn, to flop on the sofa in the TV room and watch the Disney Channel for hours, until someone remembers to scream at them to turn the damned thing off.