Tethered
By Tasha Van Der Hyde
Tethered
By Tasha Van Der Hyde
Copyright 2013 Tasha Van Der Hyde
Chapter 1
I knew something was off. He was distant, trying not to be but, distant all the same. And not in the “I have a lot on my mind distant.” This was like a siren going off in my head, like the kind that warns a nuclear attack is imminent. Nuclear attack sirens and red flags and flashing lights all warning me of the danger I was in. And not physical danger, I would have welcomed that in comparison. I knew what was coming and it was going to hit me hard. Even in the heated car I felt a chill that had nothing to do with the cold November night.
“What’s wrong?” I asked nervously. I already knew the answer though.
“Nothing.” he replied with a smile that was so forced it almost hurt me to witness it. His eyes darted around nervously and he couldn’t really look at me.
The sirens in my head got louder.
He was waiting. We were on our way back from town where he’d played the most focused game of mini golf known to man. You’d have thought he was playing a Master’s tournament and that funky green blazer was on the line. Another warning sign. Usually, he was laughing, joking, circling me in his arms and placing kisses on my jaw…but not tonight.
I knew what was coming. It made me nauseous to think of it, my heart already breaking. He was stalling though, waiting until he could look me in the eye and break it to me. That was proper, that was right and that was the way he did things. He would wait until he could look me in the eye when he shattered my world. He was a decent guy. Better than decent really, he was good, kind, considerate, and good looking to boot. It had always muddled me how I ever ended up with him in the first place. He was out of my league and I had always known that. If we were wines, he would be something expensive and French and impossible for me to pronounce or afford. I, on the other hand, would be Boone’s Farm.
“Something is wrong, I know you.” I pushed, doing my best to hide the anxiety in my voice and failing royally.
I waited for his response and watched his jaw jut side to side as he ground his teeth. This was a telltale nervous tick for him. “Let’s talk when we get back.” He said kindly. He was nervous and uncomfortable because confrontation of any kind really was not his thing.
It was, however, my thing.
I bit the inside of my cheek to concentrate on something other than the panic and pain threatening to take over. I pushed up my coat sleeve and rubbed the birthmark on the inside of my left wrist, trying to get lost in the sun shaped figure a few shades darker than my fair skin, my own telltale nervous tick. Tears welled in my eyes and I tried to blink them back, but only succeeded in sending them racing down my cheeks, one after the other.
Turning my head toward the window, I breathing in and out slowly trying to quell the apprehensive sludge that was pumping slowly through my body, heavy and thick like molasses. I couldn’t sit idly by and wait for him to bust up my heart on his terms.
“No. No, if you’re gonna do it, just go ahead and do it. Let’s not wait for a setting in which you feel more comfortable breaking my heart.” I spat at him, only just managing to reign in the sobs trying to escape my chest.
He let out a long breath, staring out at the road as he drove. “Where do you see us in five years?”
“Together.” I answered in a tone that said this was the obvious and only answer to the question.
His eyes slid slowly toward mine and he gave me a look…a look filled with pity. It was the way you look at a small child before you tell them their puppy got run over or Santa doesn’t really exist. “Dani, I…I just think we’d miss out on too much if we don’t go our separate ways and see what else is out there. We’ll be graduating soon and then we’ll be off to college and there’s just so much out there….” He trailed off, letting the words hang in the air between us.
A lump formed in my throat and the air in my esophagus struggled to flow around it. After some effort I formulated a response. “How long have you known we were headed here?” Disbelief colored my tone as it sank in that this breakup was the result of drawn out, logical thinking. I could see it written on his face in the way he looked at me like he felt sorry for me that I thought we’d stay together, like I was a silly little child who didn’t know any better and he pitied me for it. But, he’d known. He was that guy, nothing spur of the moment. Everything in his world was carefully planned and thought out.
“Dani…” he sighed, his voice pleading.
“How. Long.” My words were clipped as they slid between my clenched teeth.
“I mean, it’s not as if I had it keyed into my Blackberry!” He glanced at me and I watched as the guilt passed over his face.
Maybe it wasn’t literally in his Blackberry but, it may as well have been.
I started laughing, quietly at first and then a little manically. “I am so stupid, so foolish.” And suddenly I was angry. Angry at him for his stupid, logical decision making process, for his ability to hide his plans just well enough that I was able to dismiss his subtle changes as the result of stress or a busy schedule or a bad day. I knew, in my heart of hearts it was coming, I did but, I reasoned it away making excuses and justifying his actions in my head.
My temper flared. “Why would you hold onto me all this time, Jones? You should’ve just let me go, let me get on with my life! I could have been getting over you instead of stupidly falling more for you every day!” I was raging now, my voice getting louder with each word. I paused to reign in my emotions and leveled him with a look. In my most even tone I asked again. “How long?”
“I, I don’t,” he glanced at my face and resigned himself to answer my question. “I first started thinking about all this about…about six months ago.” He glanced at me again, his face apologetic.
I was struggling to hold it together now, the levy was about to break again and I knew it so the words came out in a rush. “Then you should have just done it then! You should have just let me go!” My voice was torn between pain and anger, cracking on the last word as the pain won out.
“You would rather we hadn’t been together these last six months then?” He sounded wounded, incredulous even. He pulled off to the side of the two lane road we’d been traveling to look at me as if I’d just sprouted antlers.
My breathing hitched and I struggled to get it under control so I could speak clearly. Tears were once again welling in my eyes, threatening to spill over. The thought that I would actually prefer to be set free rather than stay with him for his allotted amount of time hurt him. But, he had hurt me, cut me, made me bleed. I wanted to cut him back for this. I turned to look at him, staring into his eyes for a moment before delivering my answer. “Absolutely,” I replied calmly and turned my head to stare out into the night.
“Dani, I’m sorry. It’s just that, I really think we’d miss out on too much if we stay together.” I felt him touch my hand and instantly recoiled.
As the tears escaped again to spill down my cheeks, I turned to look at him once more. “I guess that’s the difference between us then. I thought whatever I was missing out on, you’d be worth it.” Then I popped open the door to his car and ran off into the black night.